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- Edition: As You Like It
As You Like It (Modern)
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Dost thou believe, Orlando, that the boy
I sometimes do believe and sometimes do not,
2579Enter Rosalind, Silvius, and Phoebe.
Patience once more, whiles our compact is urged.
[To the Duke]
That would I, had I kingdoms to give with her.
[To Orlando]
And you say you will have her when I bring her?
That would I, were I of all kingdoms king.
[To Phoebe]
You say you'll marry me, if I be willing?
That will I, should I die the hour after.
But if you do refuse to marry me,
So is the bargain.
[To Silvius]
You say that you'll have Phoebe if she will?
Though to have her and death were both one 2593thing.
I have promised to make all this matter even.
Exeunt Rosalind and Celia.
I do remember in this shepherd boy
My lord, the first time that I ever saw him
2610Enter [Touchstone the] Clown and Audrey.
There is, sure, another flood toward, and these 2613couples are coming to the ark. Here comes a pair 2614of very strange beasts, which in all tongues are called 2615fools.
Salutation and greeting to you all!
[To the Duke]
Good my lord, bid him welcome. This is the 2618motley-minded gentleman that I have so often met in 2619the forest. He hath been a courtier, he swears.
If any man doubt that, let him put me to my 2621purgation. I have trod a measure; I have flattered a lady; 2622I have been politic with my friend, smooth with mine 2623enemy; I have undone three tailors; I have had four 2624quarrels, and like to have fought one.
And how was that ta'en up?
Faith, we met, and found the quarrel was upon 2627the seventh cause.
How seventh cause? -- Good my lord, like this 2629fellow.
I like him very well.
God 'ild you, sir, I desire you of the like. I press 2632in here, sir, amongst the rest of the country copulatives, 2633to swear and to forswear, according as marriage binds 2634and blood breaks. A poor virgin, sir, an ill-favored thing, 2635sir, but mine own; a poor humor of mine, sir, to take 2636that that no man else will. Rich honesty dwells like a miser, 2637sir, in a poor house, as your pearl in your foul 2638oyster.
By my faith, he is very swift and sententious.
According to the fool's bolt, sir, and such 2641dulcet diseases.
But for the seventh cause. How did you find 2643the quarrel on the seventh cause?
Upon a lie seven times removed -- bear your 2645body more seeming, Audrey -- as thus, sir. I did dislike the 2646cut of a certain courtier's beard. He sent me word, if I 2647said his beard was not cut well, he was in the mind it 2648was. This is called the Retort Courteous. If I sent him 2649word again it was not well cut, he would send me word 2650he cut it to please himself. This is called the Quip Modest. 2651If again it was not well cut, he disabled my judgment. 2652This is called the Reply Churlish. If again it was not well 2653cut, he would answer I spake not true. This is called the 2654Reproof Valiant. If again it was not well cut, he would 2655say I lie. This is called the Countercheck Quarrelsome. 2656And so to the Lie Circumstantial and the Lie Direct.
And how oft did you say his beard was not well 2658cut?
I durst go no further than the Lie Circumstantial, 2660nor he durst not give me the Lie Direct; and so we 2661measured swords and parted.
Can you nominate in order now the degrees of 2663the lie?
Oh, sir, we quarrel in print, by the book, as you 2665have books for good manners. I will name you the degrees. 2666The first, the Retort Courteous; the second, the2667 Quip Modest; the third, the Reply Churlish; the fourth, 2668the Reproof Valiant; the fifth, the Countercheck Quarrelsome; 2669the sixth, the Lie with Circumstance; the seventh, 2670the Lie Direct. All these you may avoid but the 2671Lie Direct; and you may avoid that too, with an If. I 2672knew when seven justices could not take up a quarrel, but 2673when the parties were met themselves, one of them 2674thought but of an If, as: "If you said so, then I said so"; 2675and they shook hands, and swore brothers. Your If is 2676the only peace-maker; much virtue in If.
[To the Duke]
Is not this a rare fellow, my lord? He's as good 2678at anything, and yet a fool.
He uses his folly like a stalking-horse, and under 2680the presentation of that he shoots his wit.
Then is there mirth in heaven,
[To the Duke]
To you I give myself, for I am yours.
[To Orlando]
If there be truth in sight, you are my daughter.
If there be truth in sight, you are my Rosalind.
If sight and shape be true,
5.4.67Why then, my love adieu!
[To the Duke]
I'll have no father, if you be not he;
[To Orlando]
[To Phoebe]
Peace, ho! I bar confusion.
[To Orlando and Rosalind]
[To Oliver and Celia]
[To Phoebe]
[To Touchstone and Audrey]
[To All]
2715Song.
[To Celia]
O my dear niece, welcome thou art to me!
[To Silvius]
I will not eat my word, now thou art mine;
2726Enter Second Brother [Jaques de Boys].
Let me have audience for a word or two.
2743Duke Senior
Welcome, young man.
Sir, by your patience. [To Jaques de Boys] If I heard you rightly,
He hath.
To him will I. Out of these convertites
[To the Duke]
[To Orlando]
[To Oliver]
[To Silvius]
[To Touchstone]
Stay, Jaques, stay!
To see no pastime, I. What you would have
Exit.
Proceed, proceed. We'll begin these rites,
[They dance.] Exeunt [all but Rosalind].