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  • Title: Everyman In His Humor (Modern)
  • Editor: David Bevington

  • Copyright David Bevington. This text may be freely used for educational, non-profit purposes; for all other uses contact the Editor.
    Author: Ben Jonson
    Editor: David Bevington
    Not Peer Reviewed

    Everyman In His Humor (Modern)

    2245[Enter Musco alone [wearing the gown and carrying the mace of a "varlet" or arresting officer].
    Well, of all my disguises yet, now am I most like myself, being in this varlet's suit. A man of my present profession never counterfeits till he lay hold upon a debtor and says he 'rests him, for then he brings him to all manner of unrest. A kind of little kings we 2250are, bearing the diminutive of a mace made like a young artichoke that always carries pepper and salt in itself. Well, I know not what danger I undergo by this exploit. Pray God I come well off.
    [Enter Bobadilla and Matheo.
    See, I think yonder is the varlet.
    Let's go in quest of him.
    [To Musco] God save you, friend. Are not you here by the appointment of Doctor Clement's man?
    Yes, an please you, sir. He told me two gentlemen had willed him to procure an arrest upon one Signor Giuliano by a warrant from his master, which I have about me.
    It is honestly done of you both. And see where he comes you must arrest. Upon him, for God's sake, before he be ware!
    [Enter Stephano [wearing Giuliano's cloak].
    Bear back, Matheo!
    Signor Giuliano, I arrest you, sir, in the duke's name.
    Signor Giuliano? Am I Signor Giuliano? I am one Signor Stephano, I tell you, and you do not well, by God's lid, to arrest me, I tell you truly. I am not in your master's books, I would you should well know. Ay, and a plague of God on you for making me afraid thus!
    Why, how are you deceived, gentlemen!
    He wears such a cloak, and that deceived us. But see, here 'a comes. Officer, this is he.
    [Enter Giuliano.
    [To Stephano] Why, how now, Signor Gull, are you turned filcher of late? Come, deliver my cloak.
    Your cloak, sir? I bought it even now in the market.
    Signor Giuliano, I must arrest you, sir.
    Arrest me, sir? At whose suit?
    At these two gentlemen's.
    I obey thee, varlet; but for these villains --
    Keep the peace, I charge you, sir, in the duke's name, sir.
    What's the matter, varlet?
    You must go before Master Doctor Clement, sir, to answer what these gentlemen will object against you. Hark you, sir, I will use you kindly.
    [To Giuliano] We'll be even with you, sir. -- Come, Signor Bobadilla, we'll go before and prepare the Doctor. -- Varlet, look to him.
    The varlet is a tall man, by Jesu.
    Away, you rascals!
    Exeunt Bobadilla and Matheo.
    [To Stephano] Signor, I shall have my cloak.
    Your cloak? I say once again I bought it, and I'll keep it.
    You will keep it?
    Ay, that I will.
    [To Musco] Varlet, stay! Here's thy fee. Arrest him. [He gives Musco money.]
    Signor Stephano, I arrest you.
    Arrest me? There, take your cloak; I'll none of it.
    Nay, that shall not serve your turn. -- Varlet, bring him away. I'll go with thee now to the Doctor's. And carry him along.
    Why, is not here your cloak? What would you have?
    I care not for that.
    I pray you, sir.
    Never talk of it. I will have him answer it.
    Well, sir, then I'll leave you. I'll take this gentleman's word for his appearance, as I have done yours.
    Tut, I'll have no words taken. Bring him along to answer it.
    Good sir, I pity the gentleman's case. Here's your money again.
    God's bread, tell not me of my money. Bring him away, I say.
    I warrant you, he will go with you of himself.
    Yet more ado?
    [Aside] I have made a fair mash of it.
    Must I go?