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- Edition: As You Like It
Everyman In His Humor (Modern)
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[To Lorenzo Jr.] Signor, did you ever see the like clown 1824of him where we were today, Signor Prospero's brother? I think the whole earth 1825cannot show his like, by Jesu.
We were now speaking of him. Signor Bobadilla tells me he is fallen foul of you two.
Oh, ay, sir, he threatened me with the bastinado.
Ay, but I think I taught you a trick this morning 1829for that. You shall kill him, without all question, if you be so minded.
Indeed, it is a most excellent trick.
Oh, you do not give spirit enough to your motion. You 1833are too dull, too tardy. Oh, it must be done like lightning. Hay![He demonstrates.]
Oh, rare!
Tut, 'tis nothing, an't be not done in a -- .
Signor, did you never play with any of our masters here?
Oh, good sir!
Nay, for a more instance of their preposterous humor, there came 1839three or four of them to me at a gentleman's house, where it was 1840my chance to be resident at that time, to entreat my presence at their 1841schools, and withal so much importuned me that -- I protest to you, as 1842I am a gentleman -- I was ashamed of their rude demeanor out of 1843all measure. Well, I told them that to come to a public school, they 1844should pardon me, it was opposite to my humor; but if so they would 1845attend me at my lodging, I protested to do them what right or favor 1846I could, as I was a gentleman, et cetera.
So, sir, then you tried their skill?
Alas, soon tried! You shall hear, sir. Within two or three 1849days after, they came, and, by Jesu, good signor, believe me, I graced them 1850exceedingly, showed them some two or three tricks of prevention hath got them since 1851admirable credit. They cannot deny this. And yet now they hate me; and why? 1852Because I am excellent, and for no other reason on the earth.
This is strange and vile as ever I heard.
I will tell you, sir. Upon my first coming to the 1855city they assaulted me, some three, four, five, six of them together, as I 1856have walked alone in divers places of the city, as upon the Exchange, at 1857my lodging, and at my ordinary, where I have driven them afore me the 1858whole length of a street in the open view of all our gallants, pitying 1859to hurt them, believe me. Yet all this lenity will not depress their spleen; 1860they will be doing with the pismire, raising a hill a man may spurn abroad with his foot at pleasure. By my soul, I could have slain them 1862all, but I delight not in murder. I am loath to bear any other 1863but a bastinado for them, and yet I hold it good policy not to 1864go disarmed, for, though I be skillful, I may be suppressed with multitudes.
Ay, by Jesu, may you, sir, and in my conceit 1866our whole nation should sustain the loss by it, if it were so.
Alas, no. What's a peculiar man to a nation? Not seen.
Ay, but your skill, sir.
Indeed, that might be some loss, but who respects it? I 1870will tell you, signor, in private: I am a gentleman and live here obscure 1871and to myself. But were I known to the duke, observe me, I would 1872undertake, upon my head and life, for the public benefit of the state, not 1873only to spare the entire lives of his subjects in general, but to save 1874the one half -- nay, three parts -- of his yearly charges in holding 1875wars generally against all his enemies. And how will I do it, think you?
Nay, I know not, nor can I conceive.
Marry, thus: I would select nineteen more to myself throughout the 1878land; gentlemen they should be of good spirit, strong and able constitution. I would 1879choose them by an instinct, a trick that I have. And I would teach 1880these nineteen the special tricks -- as your punto, your reverso, your stoccato, your 1881imbroccato, your passado, your montanto -- till they could all play very near or 1882altogether as well as myself. This done, say the enemy were forty thousand strong: 1883we twenty would come into the field the tenth of March or thereabouts and 1884would challenge twenty of the enemy. They could not in their honor refuse the 1885combat. Well, we would kill them; challenge twenty more, kill them; twenty more, kill 1886them; twenty more, kill them too. And thus would we kill every man his 1887twenty a day, that's twenty score; twenty score, that's two hundred; two hundred a 1888day, five days a thousand. Forty thousand -- forty times five, five times forty 1889-- two hundred days kills them all, by computation. And this will I venture my life to perform, provided there by no treason practiced upon us.
Why, are you so sure of your hand at all times?
Tut, never mistrust, upon my soul.
Mass, I would not stand in Signor Giuliano's state, then, an you meet him, for the wealth of Florence.
Why, signor, by Jesu, if he were here now, I would 1894not draw my weapon on him. Let this gentleman do his mind, but I 1895will bastinado him, by heaven, an ever I meet him.
Faith, and I'll have a fling at him.
Look, yonder he goes, I think.
[To himself] 'Sblood, what luck have I! I cannot meet with these bragging rascals. And goes out again.
It's not he, is it?
Yes, faith, it is he.
I'll be hanged, then, if that were he.
Before God, it was he. You make me swear.
Upon my salvation, it was he.
Well, had I thought it had been he, he could not 1906have gone so. But I cannot be induced to believe it was he yet.
[To Bobadilla] Oh, gallant, have I found you? Draw. To your tools! Draw! Or, by God's will, I'll thrash you.
Signor, hear me!
Draw your weapons, then.
Signor, I never thought on it till now: body of Saint 1912George, I have a warrant of the peace served on me even now as 1913I came along, by a waterbearer. This gentleman saw it -- Signor Matheo.
Matheo runs away.
The peace? 'Sblood, you will not draw?
Hold, signor, hold! Under thy favor, forbear!
[To Bobadilla] Prate again as you like this, you whoreson cowardly 1918rascal! You'll control the point, you? Your consort, he is gone? Had he stayed, 1919he had shared with you, in faith. Exit Giuliano [leaving his cloak] behind him 1920in his haste].
Well, gentlemen, bear witness I was bound to the peace, by Jesu.
Why, and though you were, sir, the law allows you to defend yourself. That's but a poor excuse.
I cannot tell. I never sustained the like disgrace, by heaven. 1924Sure I was struck with a planet then, for I had no power to 1925touch my weapon.
Ay, like enough. I have heard of many that have 1927been beaten under a planet. Go, get you to the surgeon's. 'Sblood, an these 1928be your tricks, your passados and your montantos, I'll none of them.
[Taking up Giuliano's cloak] Mass, I'll have this cloak.
God's will, it's Giuliano's.
Nay, but 'tis mine now; another might have ta'en it up as well as I. I'll wear it, so I will.
How an he see it? He'll challenge it, assure yourself.
Ay, but he shall not have it. I'll say I bought it.
Advise you, cousin, take heed he give not you as much.
Exeunt.