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- Edition: As You Like It
Everyman In His Humor (Modern)
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[To Prospero] Yes, faith, sir, we were at your lodging to seek you too.
Oh, I came not there tonight.
Your brother delivered us as much.
Who, Giuliano?
Giuliano. Signor Prospero, I know not in what kind you value 881me, but let me tell you this: as sure as God, I do hold 882it so much out of mine honor and reputation if I should but cast 883the least regard upon such a dunghill of flesh. I protest to you, as 884I have a soul to be saved, I ne'er saw any gentlemanlike part in 885him. An there were no more men living upon the face of the earth, 886I should not fancy him, by Phoebus.
Troth, nor I. He is of a rustical cut -- I know not how. He doth not carry himself like a gentleman.
Oh, Signor Matheo, that's a grace peculiar but to a few. 889Quos aequus amavit Jupiter.
I understand you, sir.
No question you do, sir. -- Lorenzo! Now, on my soul, 893welcome! How dost thou, sweet rascal, my genius? 'Sblood, I shall love Apollo and 894the mad Thespian girls the better while I live, for this. My dear villain, 895now I see there's some spirit in thee. [Prospero and Lorenzo Jr. talk privately 896apart.] Sirrah, these be the two [Indicating Bobadilla and Matheo] I writ to thee 897of. Nay, what a drowsy humor is this now? Why dost thou not speak?
Oh, you are a fine gallant. You sent me a rare letter.
Why, was't not rare?
Yes, I'll be sworn I was ne'er guilty of reading 901the like. Match it in all Pliny's Familiar Epistles, and I'll have my judgment 902burned in the ear for a rogue. Make much of thy vein, for it 903is inimitable. But I mar'l what camel it was that had the carriage of 904it? For doubtless he was no ordinary beast that brought it.
Why?
"Why?" sayest thou? Why, dost thou think that any reasonable 907creature, especially in the morning -- the sober time of the day too -- 908would have ta'en my father for me?
'Sblood, you jest, I hope.
Indeed, the best use we can turn it to is 911to make a jest on't now. But I'll assure you, my father had the 912proving of your copy some hour before I saw it.
What a dull slave was this! But sirrah, what said he to it, i'faith?
Nay, I know not what he said. But I have a shrewd guess what he thought.
What? What?
Marry, that thou art a damned, dissolute villain, and I some grain or two better in keeping thee company.
Tut, that thought is like the moon in the last quarter; 918'twill change shortly. But, sirrah, I pray thee be acquainted with my two zanies 919here. Thou wilt take exceeding pleasure in them if thou hear'st them once. But
920[Indicating Stephano] what strange piece of silence is this? The sign of the Dumb Man?
Oh, sir, a kinsman of mine, one that may make 922our music the fuller, an he please. He hath his humor, sir.
Oh, what is't? What is't?
Nay, I'll neither do thy judgment nor his folly that 925wrong as to prepare thy apprehension; I'll leave him to the mercy of the time. If you can take him, so.
Well, Signor Bobadilla, Signor Matheo, I pray you, know this gentleman 929here; he is a friend of mine and one that will well deserve your 930affection. [To Stephano] I know not your name, signor, but I shall be glad 931of any good occasion to be more familiar with you.
My name is Signor Stephano, sir. I am this gentleman's cousin, 933sir; his father is mine uncle, sir. I am somewhat melancholy, but you shall 934command me, sir, in whatsoever is incident to a gentleman.
[To Lorenzo Jr.] Signor, I must tell you this: I am 936no general man. Embrace it as a most high favor, for, by the host 937of Egypt, but that I conceive you to be a gentleman of some parts 938-- I love few words. You have wit; imagine.
Ay, truly, sir, I am mightily given to melancholy.
Oh, Lord, sir, it's your only best humor, sir. Your true 941melancholy breeds your perfect fine wit, sir. I am melancholy myself divers times, sir, 942and then do I no more but take your pen and paper presently, and 943write you your half-score or your dozen of sonnets at a sitting.
[Aside to Prospero] Mass, then he utters them by the gross.
[To Matheo] Truly, sir, and I love such things out of measure.
[Aside to Prospero] I'faith, as well as in measure.
[To Stephano] Why, I pray you, signor, make use of my study. It's at your service.
I thank you, sir; I shall be bold, I warrant you. Have you a close stool there?
Faith, sir, I have some papers there, toys of mine own 950doing at idle hours, that you'll say there's some sparks of wit in them 951when you shall see them.
[Aside to Lorenzo Jr.] Would they were kindled once and a 953good fire made! I might see self-love burned for her heresy.
[To Lorenzo Jr.] Cousin, is it well? Am I melancholy enough?
Oh, ay, excellent.
Signor Bobadilla, why muse you so?
[Aside to Prospero] He is melancholy too.
Faith, sir, I was thinking of a most honorable piece of 959service was performed, tomorrow being Saint Mark's day, shall be some ten years.
In what place was that service, I pray you, sir?
Why, at the beleag'ring of Ghibeletto, where, in less than two 962hours, seven hundred resolute gentlemen as any were in Europe lost their lives upon 963the breach. I'll tell you, gentlemen, it was the first but the best leaguer 964that ever I beheld with these eyes, except the taking in of Tortosa last 965year by the Genoese; but that of all other was the most fatal and 966dangerous exploit that ever I was ranged in since I first bore arms before 967the face of the enemy, as I am a gentleman and a soldier.
[Aside] 'So, I had as lief as an angel I could 969swear as well as that gentleman!
[To Bobadilla] Then you were a servitor at both, it seems.
Oh, Lord, sir! By Phaethon, I was the first man that 972entered the breach, and, had I not effected it with resolution, I had been 973slain if I had had a million of lives.
Indeed, sir?
Nay, an you heard him discourse, you would say so. How like you him?
[To Lorenzo Jr.] I assure you, upon my salvation, 'tis true, and yourself shall confess.
[Aside] You must bring him to the rack first.
Observe me judicially, sweet signor. They had planted me a demi-culverin 979just in the mouth of the breach. Now, sir, as we were to ascend, 980their master gunner -- a man of no mean skill and courage, you must 981think -- confronts me with his linstock ready to give fire. I, spying his 982intendment, discharged my petronel in his bosom, and with this instrument
[Pointing to his 983weapon], my poor rapier, ran violently upon the Moors that guarded the ordnance and 984put them pell-mell to the sword.
To the sword? To the rapier, signor.
[To Prospero] Oh, it was a good figure observed, sir. 987-- But did you all this, signor, without hurting your blade?
Without any impeach on the earth. You shall perceive, sir. It 989is the most fortunate weapon that ever rid on a poor gentleman's thigh. Shall 990I tell you, sir? You talk of Morglay, Excalibur, Durindana, or so; tut, I 991lend no credit to that is reported of them. I know the virtue of 992mine own, and therefore I dare the boldlier maintain it.
I mar'l whether it be a Toledo or no?
A most perfect Toledo, I assure you, signor.
I have a countryman of his here.
Pray you, let's see, sir.
[He examines Stephano's weapon.] Yes, faith, it is.
This a Toledo? Pish!
Why do you "pish," signor?
A Fleming, by Phoebus. I'll buy them for a guilder apiece, 1000and I'll have a thousand of them.
[To Stephano] How say you, cousin? I told you thus much.
Where bought you it, signor?
Of a scurvy rogue soldier, a pox of God on him! He swore it was a Toledo.
A provant rapier, no better.
Mass, I think it be, indeed.
Tut, now it's too late to look on it.
[To 1007Stephano] Put it up, put it up.
Well, I will not put it up, but, by God's foot, an e'er I meet him --
Oh, it is past remedy now, sir. You must have patience.
Whoreson, coney-catching rascal! Oh, I could eat the very hilts for anger!
A sign you have a good ostrich stomach, cousin.
A stomach? Would I had him here! You should see an I had a stomach.
It's better as 'tis. -- Come, gentlemen, shall we go?
A miracle, cousin. Look here, look here!
[To Musco] Oh, God's lid, by your leave, do you know me, sir?
Ay, sir. I know you by sight.
You sold me a rapier, did you not?
Yes, marry, did I, sir.
You said it was a Toledo, ha?
True, I did so.
But it is none.
No, sir, I confess it, it is none.
Gentlemen, bear witness he has confessed it. -- By God's lid, an you had not confessed it --
Oh, cousin, forbear, forbear.
Nay, I have done, cousin.
Why, you have done like a gentleman. He has confessed it; what would you more?
[Aside to Prospero] Sirrah, how dost thou like him?
[Aside to Lorenzo Jr.] Oh, it's a precious good fool! Make 1030much on him. I can compare him to nothing more happily than a barber's virginals, for everyone may play upon him.
[To Lorenzo Jr.] Gentleman, shall I entreat a word with you?
With all my heart, sir. You have not another Toledo to sell, have ye?
You are pleasant.
[They talk privately.] Your name is Signor Lorenzo, as I take it?
You are in the right. -- 'Sblood, he means to catechize me, I think.
No, sir, I leave that to the curate. I am none 1037of that coat.
And yet of as bare a coat. Well, say, sir.
Faith, signor, I am but servant to god Mars extraordinary, and 1040indeed -- this brass varnish being washed off and three or four other tricks sublated -- I appear yours in reversion, after the decease of your good father -- Musco!
Musco! 'Sblood, what wind hath blown thee hither in this shape?
Your easterly wind, sir -- the same that blew your father hither.
My father?
Nay, never start, it's true. He is come to town of purpose to seek you.
[To Prospero, who joins them] Sirrah Prospero, what shall we do, sirrah? My father is come to the city.
Thy father? Where is he?
At a gentleman's house, yonder by Saint Anthony's, where he but stays my return, and then --
Who's this? Musco?
The same, sir.
Why, how com'st thou transmuted thus?
Faith, a device, a device. Nay, for the love of God, stand not here, gentlemen; house yourselves and I'll tell you all.
But art thou sure he will stay thy return?
Do I live, sir? What a question is that?
Well, we'll prorogue his expectation a little. Musco, thou shalt go 1057with us.
[Calling to the others] Come on, gentlemen. [To Lorenzo Jr.] Nay, I 1058pray thee, good rascal, droop not; 'sheart, an our wits be so gouty that 1059one old, plodding brain can outstrip us all, Lord, I beseech thee, may they 1060lie and starve in some miserable spital, where they may never see the face 1061of any true spirit again, but be perpetually haunted with some churchyard hobgoblin in saecula saeculorum.
Amen, amen!
Exeunt.