Not Peer Reviewed
- Edition: As You Like It
Everyman In His Humor (Modern)
- Introduction
- Texts of this edition
- Contextual materials
- Facsimiles
I think this be the house. [He knocks.] What ho!
Who's there? Oh, Signor Matheo! God give you good morrow, sir.
What, Cob? How dost thou, good Cob? Dost thou inhabit here, Cob?
Ay, sir, I and my lineage have kept a poor house in our days.
Why, sir, an ancient lineage and a princely. Mine ance'try came 302from a king's loins, no worse man; and yet no man neither, but Herring, 303the king of fish, one of the monarchs of the world, I assure you. 304I do fetch my pedigree and name from the first red herring that was 305eaten in Adam and Eve's kitchen. His cob was my great, great, mighty-great grandfather.
Why mighty? Why mighty?
Oh, it's a mighty while ago, sir, and it was a mighty great cob.
How knowest thou that?
How know I? Why, his ghost comes to me every night.
Oh, unsavory jest! The ghost of a herring cob!
Ay, why not the ghost of a herring cob as well 312as the ghost of Rashero Bacono? They were both broiled on the coals. You 313are a scholar; upsolve me that, now.
Oh, rude ignorance! Cob, canst thou show me of a gentleman, one Signor Bobadilla, where his lodging is?
Oh, my guest, sir, you mean?
Thy guest? Alas! Ha, ha!
Why do you laugh, sir? Do you not mean Signor Bobadilla?
Cob, I pray thee, advise thyself well; do not wrong the 319gentleman and thyself too. I dare be sworn he scorns thy house, he. He 320lodge in such a base, obscure place as thy house? Tut, I know his 321disposition so well, he would not lie in thy bed if thou'dst give it him.
I will not give it him. Mass, I thought somewhat was 323in it; we could not get him to bed all night. Well, sir, though 324he lie not on my bed, he lies on my bench. An't please you 325to go up, sir, you shall find him with two cushions under his head 326and his cloak wrapped about him as though he had neither won nor lost, 327and yet I warrant he ne'er cast better in his life than he hath done tonight.
Why, was he drunk?
Drunk, sir? You hear me not say so. Perhaps he swallowed 330a tavern token or some such device, sir. I have nothing to do withal; 331I deal with water and not with wine.
[Calling offstage] Give me my tankard 332there, ho! -- God be with you, sir. It's six o'clock; I should have 333carried two turns by this. [Calling offstage] What ho! My stopple, come!
Lie in a waterbearer's house, a gentleman of his note? Well, I'll tell him my mind.
What, Tib, show this gentleman up to Signor Bobadilla.
Exit [Matheo with Tib].
1.3.28338Oh, an my house were the Brazen Head now! Faith, it would 339e'en cry, 'Mo fools yet!' You should have some now would take him to 340be a gentleman at the least. Alas, God help the simple! His father's an 341honest man, a good fishmonger, and so forth, and now doth he creep and 342wriggle into acquaintance with all the brave gallants about the town, such as my 343guest is -- oh, my guest is a fine man! -- and they flout 344him invincibly. He useth every day to a merchant's house where I serve water, 345one Master Thorello's, and here's the jest: he is in love with my master's 346sister, and calls her 'mistress'. And there he sits a whole afternoon sometimes, reading 347of these same abominable, vile -- a pox on them, I cannot abide them! 348-- rascally verses, poetry, poetry, and speaking of interludes. 'Twill make a man burst 349to hear him. And the wenches, they do so jeer and tee-hee at him! 350Well, should they do as much to me, I'd forswear them all, by the 351life of Pharaoh. There's an oath! How many waterbearers shall you hear swear such 352an oath? Oh, I have a guest, he teacheth me, he doth swear the 353best of any man christened: "By Phoebus," "By the life of Pharaoh," "By the body of me," "As I am a gentleman and a soldier" -- such dainty oaths! And 354withal he doth take this same filthy, roguish tobacco, the finest and cleanliest. It 355would do a man good to see the fume come forth at his nostrils. 356Well, he owes me forty shillings my wife lent him out of her purse 357by sixpence a time, besides his lodging. I would I had it. I shall 358have it, he saith, next action. Helter skelter, hang sorrow, care will kill a cat, uptails all, and a pox on the hangman! Exit.
Hostess! Hostess!
What say you, sir?
A cup of your small beer, sweet hostess.
Sir, there's a gentleman below would speak with you.
A gentleman! Godso, I am not within.
My husband told him you were, sir.
What a plague! What meant he?
(Within) Signor Bobadilla!
[Calling] Who's there? -- Take away the basin, good hostess. -- Come up, sir!
[Calling down as though to Matheo] He would desire you to come up, sir.
[To Bobadilla] God save you sir, God save you.
Signor Matheo, is't you, sir? Please you sit down.
I thank you, good signor; you may see I am somewhat audacious.
Not so, signor. I was requested to supper yesternight by a 377sort of gallants, where you were wished for and drunk to, I assure you.
Vouchsafe me by whom, good signor.
Marry, by Signor Prospero and others. -- Why, hostess, a stool here for this gentleman.
No haste, sir, it is very well.
Body of me, it was so late ere we parted last 382night I can scarce open mine eyes yet; I was but new risen as 383you came. How passes the day abroad, sir? You can tell.
Faith, some half hour to seven. Now trust me, you have an exceeding fine lodging here, very neat and private.
Ay, sir, sit down, I pray you. [Exit Tib.]
1.3.53386Signor Matheo, in any case possess no gentleman of your acquaintance with notice of my lodging.
Who, I, sir? No.
Not that I need to care who know it, but in regard I would not be so popular and general, as some be.
True, signor, I conceive you.
For do you see, sir, by the heart of myself, except 391it be to some peculiar and choice spirits to whom I am extraordinarily engaged, 392as yourself or so, I would not extend thus far.
Oh, Lord, sir! I resolve so.
What new book have you there? What, "Go by, Hieronimo!"?
Ay, did you ever see it acted? Is't not well penned?
Well penned? I would fain see all the poets of our 397time pen such another play as that was. They'll prate and swagger and keep 398a stir of art and devices, when, by Godso, they are the most shallow, 399pitiful fellows that live upon the face of the earth again.
Indeed, here are a number of fine speeches in this book: 401"O eyes, no eyes, but fountains fraught with tears!" There's a conceit! "Fountains fraught with tears!" "O life, no life, but lively form of death!" 402Is't not excellent? "O world, no world, but mass of public wrongs!" Oh, God's me! "Confused and filled with murder and misdeeds." Is't not simply the best that ever you heard? Ha? How do you like it?
'Tis good.
[Reciting] To thee, the purest object to my sense,
Nay, proceed, proceed. Where's this? Where's this?
This, sir? A toy of mine own in my nonage. But 413when will you come and see my study? Good faith, I can show you 414some very good things I have done of late. -- That boot becomes your 415leg passing well, sir, methinks.
So so. It's a fashion gentlemen use.
Mass, sir, and, now you speak of the fashion, Signor Prospero's 418elder brother and I are fallen out exceedingly. This other day I happened to 419enter into some discourse of a hanger, which, I assure you, both for fashion 420and workmanship was most beautiful and gentleman-like; yet he condemned it for the most 421pied and ridiculous that ever he saw.
Signor Giuliano, was it not? The elder brother?
Ay, sir, he.
Hang him, rook. He? Why, he has no more judgment than 425a malt-horse. By Saint George, I hold him the most peremptory, absurd clown -- 426one o'them -- in Christendom. I protest to you, as I am a gentleman 427and a soldier, I ne'er talked with the like of him. He has not 428so much as a good word in his belly. All iron, iron-- a good 429commodity for a smith to make hobnails on.
Ay, and he thinks to carry it away with his manhood 431still where he comes. He brags he will give me the bastinado, as I hear.
How, the bastinado? How came he by that word, trow?
Nay, indeed, he said "cudgel" me. I termed it so for the more grace.
That may be, for I was sure it was none of his word. But when? When said he so?
Faith, yesterday, they say. A young gallant, a friend of mine, told me so.
By the life of Pharaoh, an 'twere my case now, I 437should send him a challenge presently. The bastinado? Come hither, you shall challenge him. 438I'll show you a trick or two. You shall kill him at pleasure; the 439first, stoccado, if you will, by this air.
Indeed, you have absolute knowledge in the mystery, I have heard, sir.
Of whom? Of whom, I pray?
Faith, I have heard it spoken of divers that you have very rare skill, sir.
By heaven, no, not I, no skill in the earth; some 444small science -- know my time, distance, or so. I have professed it more 445for noblemen and gentlemen's use than mine own practice, I assure you. [Calling offstage] 446Hostess, lend us another bedstaff here quickly. [He demonstrates fencing maneuvers with a bedstaff.] 447Look you, sir, exalt not your point above this state at any hand, and 448let your poniard maintain your defense thus.
1.3.90451So, sir, come on. [They fence.] Oh, twine your body more about, 452that you may come to a more sweet, comely, gentleman-like guard. [They fence again.] 453So, indifferent. Hollow your body more, sir, thus. [He demonstrates.] Now stand fast on 454your left leg. Note your distance; keep your due proportion of time. [Matheo tries.] 455Oh, you disorder your point most vilely!
[Trying again] How is the bearing of it now, sir?
Oh, out of measure ill. A well experienced man would pass upon you at pleasure.
How mean you, "pass upon" me?
Why, thus, sir. Make a thrust at me; come in upon 460my time; control your point, and make a full career at the body. The 461best-practiced gentlemen of the time term it the passado -- a most desperate thrust, believe it.
Well, come, sir.
[They fence again.]
Why, you do not manage your weapons with that facility and 464grace that you should do. I have no spirit to play with you; your 465dearth of judgment makes you seem tedious.
But one veny, sir.
Fie, "veny"! Most gross denomination as ever I heard! Oh, 468the stoccado, while you live, signor, note that. Come, put on your cloak, and 469we'll go to some private place where you are acquainted, some tavern or so, 470and we'll send for one of these fencers, where he shall breathe you at 471my direction, and then I'll teach you that trick you shall kill him with 472it at the first, if you please. Why, I'll learn you, by the true 473judgment of the eye, hand, and foot, to control any man's point in the 474world. Should your adversary confront you with a pistol, 'twere nothing; you should, by 475the same rule, control the bullet, most certain, by Phoebus, unless it were hail-shot. What money have you about you, sir?
Faith, I have not past two shillings or so.
'Tis somewhat with the least. But come. When we have done, 478we'll call up Signor Prospero. Perhaps we shall meet with Corydon his brother there.
Exeunt.