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Everyman In His Humor (Modern)
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Every Man In His Humor
Now trust me, here's a goodly day toward.
I will, sir, presently.
1.1.8Lorenzo Sr.
But hear you, sirrah:
Very good, sir.
Exit Musco.
How happy would I estimate myself
Nothing but e'en come to see how you do, uncle.
That's kindly done. You are welcome, cousin.
Ay, I know that, sir; I would not have come else. How doth my cousin, uncle?
Oh, well, well. Go in and see. I doubt he's scarce stirring yet.
Uncle, afore I go in, can you tell me an he 33have e'er a book of the sciences of hawking and hunting? I would fain 34borrow it.
Why, I hope you will not a-hawking now, will you?
No, wusse, but I'll practice against next year. I have bought 37me a hawk and bells and all; I lack nothing but a book to 38keep it by.
Oh, most ridiculous!
Nay, look you now, you are angry, uncle. Why, you know, 41an a man have not skill in hawking and hunting nowadays, I'll not give 42a rush for him. He is for no gentleman's company; and, by God's will, 43I scorn it, I, so I do, to be a consort for every humdrum. 44Hang them, scroyles! There's nothing in them in the world. What do you talk 45on it? A gentleman must show himself like a gentleman. Uncle, I pray you 46be not angry. I know what I have to do, I trow; I am no novice.
Go to, you are a prodigal and self-willed fool.
What would you have me do, trow?
What would I have you do? Marry,
Gentlemen, God save you.
Welcome, good friend. We do not stand much upon our gentility, 85yet I can assure you mine uncle is a man of a thousand pound 86land a year. He hath but one son in the world; I am his 87next heir, as simple as I stand here, if my cousin die. I have 88a fair living of mine own, too, beside.
In good time, sir.
"In good time, sir"? You do not flout, do you?
Not I, sir.
An you should, here be them can perceive it, and that 93quickly too. Go to. And they can give it again soundly, an need be.
Why, sir, let this satisfy you. Good faith, I had no such intent.
By God, an I thought you had, sir, I would talk with you.
So you may, sir, and at your pleasure.
And so I would, sir, an you were out of mine uncle's ground, I can tell you.
Why, how now, cousin, will this ne'er be left?
Whoreson base fellow! By God's lid, an 'twere not for shame, I would --
What would you do? You peremptory ass,
Exit Stephano.
I pray you, sir, is this Pazzi house?
Yes, marry, is it, sir.
I should inquire for a gentleman here, one Signor Lorenzo di Pazzi. Do you know any such, sir, I pray you?
Yes, sir, or else I should forget myself.
I cry you mercy, sir. I was requested by a gentleman 114of Florence, having some occasion to ride this way, to deliver you this letter.
To me, sir? What do you mean? I pray you, 117remember your court'sy. [He reads.] "To his dear and most elected friend, Signor Lorenzo di Pazzi." [To the Servingman] What might the gentleman's name 118be, sir, that sent it? Nay, pray you, be covered.
Signor Prospero.
Signor Prospero? A young gentleman of the family of Strozzi, is he not?
Ay, sir, the same. Signor Thorello, the rich Florentine merchant, married his sister.
You say very true.
[Calling] Musco!
Sir?
Make this gentleman drink here.
1.1.108126[To the Servingman] I pray you, go in, sir, an't please you. Exeunt [Servingman and Musco].
1.1.117135[He reads.] "Sirrah Lorenzo, I muse we cannot see thee at Florence. 'Sblood, I doubt Apollo hath got thee to be his ingle, that thou commest not abroad to visit thine old friends. Well, take heed of him Apollo; he may do somewhat for his household servants or so, but for his retainers, I am sure I have known some of them that have followed him three, four, five year together, scorning the world with their bare heels, and at length been glad for a shift -- though no clean shift -- to lie a whole winter in half a sheet, cursing Charles' Wain and the rest of the stars intolerably. But quis contra divos? Well, sirrah, sweet villain, come and 136see me. But spend one minute in my company and 'tis enough. I think 137I have a world of good jests for thee. Oh, sirrah, I can show 138thee two of the most perfect, rare, and absolute true gulls that ever thou 139saw'st, if thou wilt come. 'Sblood, invent some famous, memorable lie or other to 140flap thy father in the mouth withal. Thou hast been father of a thousand 141in thy days; thou couldst be no poet else. Any scurvy, roguish excuse will 142serve; say thou com'st but to fetch wool for thine inkhorn. And then, too, 143thy father will say thy wits are a-woolgathering. But it's no matter; the worse, 144the better. Anything is good enough for the old man. Sirrah, how if thy 145father should see this now? What would he think of me? Well, however I 146write to thee, I reverence him in my soul for the general good all 147Florence delivers of him. Lorenzo, I conjure thee -- by what, let me see 148-- by the depth of our love, by all the strange sights we have 149seen in our days (ay, or nights either), to come to me to Florence 150this day. Go to, you shall come, and let your muses go spin for 151once. If thou wilt not, 'sheart, what's your god's name? Apollo? Ay. -- Apollo, 152if this melancholy rogue Lorenzo here do not come, grant that he do turn 153fool presently, and never hereafter be able to make a good jest or a 154blank verse, but live in more penury of wit and invention than either the Hall Beadle or Poet Nuntius."
[Calling] Musco!
Sir?
What, is the fellow gone that brought this letter?
Yes, sir, a pretty while since.
And where's Lorenzo?
In his chamber, sir.
He spake not with the fellow, did he?
No, sir, he saw him not.
[Handing him the letter] Then, Musco, take this letter and deliver it
Oh, Lord, sir, that were a jest indeed!
Exit Musco.
I am resolved I will not cross his journey.
Exit.
Yes, sir, on my word, he opened it and read the contents.
It scarce contents me that he did so. But Musco, 199didst thou observe his countenance in the reading of it, whether he were angry 200or pleased?
Why, sir, I saw him not read it.
No? How knowest thou then that he opened it?
Marry, sir, because he charged me on my life to tell 204nobody that he opened it, which, unless he had done, he would never fear 205to have it revealed.
That's true. Well, Musco, hie thee in again,
1.2.12210[Enter Stephano. [Lorenzo Jr., busy with the letter from Prospero, does not notice Stephano].
Oh, Musco, didst thou not see a fellow here in a what-sha'-call-'em doublet? He brought mine uncle a letter even now.
Yes, sir, what of him?
Where is he, canst thou tell?
Why, he is gone.
Gone? Which way? When went he? How long since?
It's almost half an hour ago since he rid hence.
Whoreson Scanderbag rogue! Oh, that I had a horse! By God's lid, I'd fetch him back again, with heave and ho.
Why, you may have my master's bay gelding, an you will.
But I have no boots, that's the spite on it.
Then it's no boot to follow him. Let him go and hang, sir.
Ay, by my troth. Musco, I pray thee, help to truss me a little. Nothing angers me but I have waited such a while for 223him, all unlaced and untrussed yonder, and now to see he is gone the other way!
[Helping Stephano with his clothing] Nay, I pray you, stand still, sir.
I will, I will. Oh, how it vexes me!
Tut, never vex yourself with the thought of such a base follow as he.
Nay, to see he stood upon points with me, too!
Like enough so. That was because he saw you had so few at your hose.
What, hast thou done? God-a-mercy, good Musco.
I mar'l, sir, you wear such ill-favored coarse stockings, having so good a leg as you have.
Foh! The stockings be good enough for this time of the 232year, but I'll have a pair of silk ere it be long. I think 233my leg would show well in a silk hose.
Ay, afore God would it, rarely well.
In sadness, I think it would. I have a reasonable good leg.
You have an excellent good leg, sir. I pray you pardon me, I have a little haste in, sir.
A thousand thanks, good Musco.
Exit [Musco].
[unaware still of Stephano] Here is a style, indeed, for 241a man's senses to leap over ere they come at it. Why, it is 242able to break the shins of any old man's patience in the world. My 243father read this with patience? Then will I be made an eunuch and learn 244to sing ballads. I do not deny but my father may have as much 245patience as any other man, for he uses to take physic, and oft taking 246physic makes a man a very patient creature. But, Signor Prospero, had your swaggering 247epistle here arrived in my father's hands at such an hour of his patience 248-- I mean, when he had ta'en physic -- it is to be doubted 249whether I should have read "sweet villain" here. [Noticing Stephano, but not speaking to him] 250But what? My wise cousin! Nay, then, I'll furnish our feast with one gull 251more toward a mess. He writes to me of two, and here's one: that's three, i'faith. Oh, for a fourth! Now, Fortune, or never, Fortune!
[Aside] Oh, now I see who he laughed at: he laughed 253at somebody in that letter. By this good light, an he had laughed at 254me, I would have told mine uncle.
[Aloud] Cousin Stephano! Good morrow, good cousin. How fare you?
The better for your asking, I will assure you. I have 257been all about to seek you; since I came, I saw mine uncle. And, 258i'faith, how have you done this great while? Good Lord, by my troth, I 259am glad you are well, cousin.
And I am glad at your coming, I protest to 261you, for I am sent for by a private gentleman, my most special dear 262friend, to come to him to Florence this morning; and you shall go with 263me, cousin, if it please you, not else. I will enjoin you no further 264than stands with your own consent and the condition of a friend.
Why, cousin, you shall command me an 'twere twice so far 266as Florence, to do you good. What, do you think I will not go 267with you? I protest --
Nay, nay, you shall not protest.
By God, but I will, sir, by your leave; I'll protest more to my friend than I'll speak of at this time.
You speak very well, sir.
Nay, not so, neither; but I speak to serve my turn.
Your turn? Why, cousin, a gentleman of so fair sort 273as you are, of so true carriage, so special good parts, of so dear 274and choice estimation, one whose lowest condition bears the stamp of a great spirit? 275Nay, more, a man so graced, gilded, or rather, to use a more fit 276metaphor, tinfoiled by nature -- not that you have a leaden constitution, coz, although 277perhaps a little inclining to that temper and so the more apt to melt 278with pity when you fall into the fire of rage -- but for your 279luster only, which reflects as bright to the world as an old alewife's pewter again' a good time. And will you now, with nice modesty, hide such real 281ornaments as these, and shadow their glory as a milliner's wife doth her wrought stomacher with a smoky lawn or a black cypress? Come, come, for shame, do 283not wrong the quality of your desert in so poor a kind, but let 284the idea of what you are be portrayed in your aspect, that men may read in your looks: "Here within this place is to be seen the most admirable, rare, and accomplished work of nature." Cousin, what think you of this?
Marry, I do think of it, and I will be more melancholy and gentleman-like than I have been, I do ensure you.
Why, this is well.
[Aside] Now, if I can but 287hold up this humor in him as it is begun, cazzo for Florence! 288Match him an she can! -- Come, cousin.
I'll follow you.
Follow me? You must go before.
Must I? Nay then, I pray you show me, good cousin.
I think this be the house. [He knocks.] What ho!
Who's there? Oh, Signor Matheo! God give you good morrow, sir.
What, Cob? How dost thou, good Cob? Dost thou inhabit here, Cob?
Ay, sir, I and my lineage have kept a poor house in our days.
Why, sir, an ancient lineage and a princely. Mine ance'try came 302from a king's loins, no worse man; and yet no man neither, but Herring, 303the king of fish, one of the monarchs of the world, I assure you. 304I do fetch my pedigree and name from the first red herring that was 305eaten in Adam and Eve's kitchen. His cob was my great, great, mighty-great grandfather.
Why mighty? Why mighty?
Oh, it's a mighty while ago, sir, and it was a mighty great cob.
How knowest thou that?
How know I? Why, his ghost comes to me every night.
Oh, unsavory jest! The ghost of a herring cob!
Ay, why not the ghost of a herring cob as well 312as the ghost of Rashero Bacono? They were both broiled on the coals. You 313are a scholar; upsolve me that, now.
Oh, rude ignorance! Cob, canst thou show me of a gentleman, one Signor Bobadilla, where his lodging is?
Oh, my guest, sir, you mean?
Thy guest? Alas! Ha, ha!
Why do you laugh, sir? Do you not mean Signor Bobadilla?
Cob, I pray thee, advise thyself well; do not wrong the 319gentleman and thyself too. I dare be sworn he scorns thy house, he. He 320lodge in such a base, obscure place as thy house? Tut, I know his 321disposition so well, he would not lie in thy bed if thou'dst give it him.
I will not give it him. Mass, I thought somewhat was 323in it; we could not get him to bed all night. Well, sir, though 324he lie not on my bed, he lies on my bench. An't please you 325to go up, sir, you shall find him with two cushions under his head 326and his cloak wrapped about him as though he had neither won nor lost, 327and yet I warrant he ne'er cast better in his life than he hath done tonight.
Why, was he drunk?
Drunk, sir? You hear me not say so. Perhaps he swallowed 330a tavern token or some such device, sir. I have nothing to do withal; 331I deal with water and not with wine.
[Calling offstage] Give me my tankard 332there, ho! -- God be with you, sir. It's six o'clock; I should have 333carried two turns by this. [Calling offstage] What ho! My stopple, come!
Lie in a waterbearer's house, a gentleman of his note? Well, I'll tell him my mind.
What, Tib, show this gentleman up to Signor Bobadilla.
Exit [Matheo with Tib].
1.3.28338Oh, an my house were the Brazen Head now! Faith, it would 339e'en cry, 'Mo fools yet!' You should have some now would take him to 340be a gentleman at the least. Alas, God help the simple! His father's an 341honest man, a good fishmonger, and so forth, and now doth he creep and 342wriggle into acquaintance with all the brave gallants about the town, such as my 343guest is -- oh, my guest is a fine man! -- and they flout 344him invincibly. He useth every day to a merchant's house where I serve water, 345one Master Thorello's, and here's the jest: he is in love with my master's 346sister, and calls her 'mistress'. And there he sits a whole afternoon sometimes, reading 347of these same abominable, vile -- a pox on them, I cannot abide them! 348-- rascally verses, poetry, poetry, and speaking of interludes. 'Twill make a man burst 349to hear him. And the wenches, they do so jeer and tee-hee at him! 350Well, should they do as much to me, I'd forswear them all, by the 351life of Pharaoh. There's an oath! How many waterbearers shall you hear swear such 352an oath? Oh, I have a guest, he teacheth me, he doth swear the 353best of any man christened: "By Phoebus," "By the life of Pharaoh," "By the body of me," "As I am a gentleman and a soldier" -- such dainty oaths! And 354withal he doth take this same filthy, roguish tobacco, the finest and cleanliest. It 355would do a man good to see the fume come forth at his nostrils. 356Well, he owes me forty shillings my wife lent him out of her purse 357by sixpence a time, besides his lodging. I would I had it. I shall 358have it, he saith, next action. Helter skelter, hang sorrow, care will kill a cat, uptails all, and a pox on the hangman! Exit.
Hostess! Hostess!
What say you, sir?
A cup of your small beer, sweet hostess.
Sir, there's a gentleman below would speak with you.
A gentleman! Godso, I am not within.
My husband told him you were, sir.
What a plague! What meant he?
(Within) Signor Bobadilla!
[Calling] Who's there? -- Take away the basin, good hostess. -- Come up, sir!
[Calling down as though to Matheo] He would desire you to come up, sir.
[To Bobadilla] God save you sir, God save you.
Signor Matheo, is't you, sir? Please you sit down.
I thank you, good signor; you may see I am somewhat audacious.
Not so, signor. I was requested to supper yesternight by a 377sort of gallants, where you were wished for and drunk to, I assure you.
Vouchsafe me by whom, good signor.
Marry, by Signor Prospero and others. -- Why, hostess, a stool here for this gentleman.
No haste, sir, it is very well.
Body of me, it was so late ere we parted last 382night I can scarce open mine eyes yet; I was but new risen as 383you came. How passes the day abroad, sir? You can tell.
Faith, some half hour to seven. Now trust me, you have an exceeding fine lodging here, very neat and private.
Ay, sir, sit down, I pray you. [Exit Tib.]
1.3.53386Signor Matheo, in any case possess no gentleman of your acquaintance with notice of my lodging.
Who, I, sir? No.
Not that I need to care who know it, but in regard I would not be so popular and general, as some be.
True, signor, I conceive you.
For do you see, sir, by the heart of myself, except 391it be to some peculiar and choice spirits to whom I am extraordinarily engaged, 392as yourself or so, I would not extend thus far.
Oh, Lord, sir! I resolve so.
What new book have you there? What, "Go by, Hieronimo!"?
Ay, did you ever see it acted? Is't not well penned?
Well penned? I would fain see all the poets of our 397time pen such another play as that was. They'll prate and swagger and keep 398a stir of art and devices, when, by Godso, they are the most shallow, 399pitiful fellows that live upon the face of the earth again.
Indeed, here are a number of fine speeches in this book: 401"O eyes, no eyes, but fountains fraught with tears!" There's a conceit! "Fountains fraught with tears!" "O life, no life, but lively form of death!" 402Is't not excellent? "O world, no world, but mass of public wrongs!" Oh, God's me! "Confused and filled with murder and misdeeds." Is't not simply the best that ever you heard? Ha? How do you like it?
'Tis good.
[Reciting] To thee, the purest object to my sense,
Nay, proceed, proceed. Where's this? Where's this?
This, sir? A toy of mine own in my nonage. But 413when will you come and see my study? Good faith, I can show you 414some very good things I have done of late. -- That boot becomes your 415leg passing well, sir, methinks.
So so. It's a fashion gentlemen use.
Mass, sir, and, now you speak of the fashion, Signor Prospero's 418elder brother and I are fallen out exceedingly. This other day I happened to 419enter into some discourse of a hanger, which, I assure you, both for fashion 420and workmanship was most beautiful and gentleman-like; yet he condemned it for the most 421pied and ridiculous that ever he saw.
Signor Giuliano, was it not? The elder brother?
Ay, sir, he.
Hang him, rook. He? Why, he has no more judgment than 425a malt-horse. By Saint George, I hold him the most peremptory, absurd clown -- 426one o'them -- in Christendom. I protest to you, as I am a gentleman 427and a soldier, I ne'er talked with the like of him. He has not 428so much as a good word in his belly. All iron, iron-- a good 429commodity for a smith to make hobnails on.
Ay, and he thinks to carry it away with his manhood 431still where he comes. He brags he will give me the bastinado, as I hear.
How, the bastinado? How came he by that word, trow?
Nay, indeed, he said "cudgel" me. I termed it so for the more grace.
That may be, for I was sure it was none of his word. But when? When said he so?
Faith, yesterday, they say. A young gallant, a friend of mine, told me so.
By the life of Pharaoh, an 'twere my case now, I 437should send him a challenge presently. The bastinado? Come hither, you shall challenge him. 438I'll show you a trick or two. You shall kill him at pleasure; the 439first, stoccado, if you will, by this air.
Indeed, you have absolute knowledge in the mystery, I have heard, sir.
Of whom? Of whom, I pray?
Faith, I have heard it spoken of divers that you have very rare skill, sir.
By heaven, no, not I, no skill in the earth; some 444small science -- know my time, distance, or so. I have professed it more 445for noblemen and gentlemen's use than mine own practice, I assure you. [Calling offstage] 446Hostess, lend us another bedstaff here quickly. [He demonstrates fencing maneuvers with a bedstaff.] 447Look you, sir, exalt not your point above this state at any hand, and 448let your poniard maintain your defense thus.
1.3.90451So, sir, come on. [They fence.] Oh, twine your body more about, 452that you may come to a more sweet, comely, gentleman-like guard. [They fence again.] 453So, indifferent. Hollow your body more, sir, thus. [He demonstrates.] Now stand fast on 454your left leg. Note your distance; keep your due proportion of time. [Matheo tries.] 455Oh, you disorder your point most vilely!
[Trying again] How is the bearing of it now, sir?
Oh, out of measure ill. A well experienced man would pass upon you at pleasure.
How mean you, "pass upon" me?
Why, thus, sir. Make a thrust at me; come in upon 460my time; control your point, and make a full career at the body. The 461best-practiced gentlemen of the time term it the passado -- a most desperate thrust, believe it.
Well, come, sir.
[They fence again.]
Why, you do not manage your weapons with that facility and 464grace that you should do. I have no spirit to play with you; your 465dearth of judgment makes you seem tedious.
But one veny, sir.
Fie, "veny"! Most gross denomination as ever I heard! Oh, 468the stoccado, while you live, signor, note that. Come, put on your cloak, and 469we'll go to some private place where you are acquainted, some tavern or so, 470and we'll send for one of these fencers, where he shall breathe you at 471my direction, and then I'll teach you that trick you shall kill him with 472it at the first, if you please. Why, I'll learn you, by the true 473judgment of the eye, hand, and foot, to control any man's point in the 474world. Should your adversary confront you with a pistol, 'twere nothing; you should, by 475the same rule, control the bullet, most certain, by Phoebus, unless it were hail-shot. What money have you about you, sir?
Faith, I have not past two shillings or so.
'Tis somewhat with the least. But come. When we have done, 478we'll call up Signor Prospero. Perhaps we shall meet with Corydon his brother there.
Exeunt.
Piso, come hither. There lies a note within upon my desk; here, take my key. It's no matter, neither. Where's the boy?
Within, sir, in the warehouse
Let him tell over that Spanish gold and weigh it. And 484do you see the delivery of those wares to Signor Bentivole. I'll be there 485myself at the receipt of the money anon.
Very good, sir.
Exit Piso.
Brother, did you see that same fellow there?
Ay, what of him?
He is e'en the honestest faithful servant that is this day 490in Florence -- I speak a proud word now -- and one that I 491durst trust my life into his hands, I have so strong opinion of his 492love, if need were.
God send me never such need! But you said you had somewhat to tell me. What is't?
Faith, brother, I am loath to utter it,
Come, come, what needs this circumstance?
I will not say what honor I ascribe
You are too tedious. Come to the matter, come to the matter.
Then, without further ceremony, thus:
Faith, I know not what I should say to him. So 536God save me, I am e'en at my wit's end. I have told him 537enough, one would think, if that would serve. Well, he knows what to trust 538to for me. Let him spend, and spend, and domineer till his heart ache. 539An he get a penny more of me, I'll give him this ear.
Nay, good brother, have patience.
'Sblood, he mads me! I could eat my very flesh for 542anger. I mar'l you will not tell him of it, how he disquiets your house.
Oh, there are divers reasons to dissuade me.
Mass, perhaps so.
Brother, they would, believe it. So should I,
[To Bobadilla] I will speak to him.
[To Matheo] Speak to him? Away, by the life of Pharaoh! 584You shall not, you shall not do him that grace. [To Thorello] The time 585of day to you, gentleman. Is Signor Prospero stirring?
How then? What should he do?
[Ignoring Giuliano] Signor Thorello, is he within, sir?
He came not to his lodging tonight, sir, I assure you.
[To Bobadilla] Why, do you hear? You!
This gentleman hath satisfied me. I'll talk to no scavenger. [He starts to leave.]
How, "scavenger"? Stay, sir, stay!
Exeunt [Bobadilla and Matheo].
[Restraining him] Nay, brother Giuliano.
'Sblood, stand you away, an you love me!
You shall not follow him now, I pray you. Good faith, you shall not.
Ha! "Scavenger"? Well, go to. I say little, but by 597this good day - God forgive me I should swear -- if I put 598it up so, say I am the rankest -- that ever pissed! 'Sblood, an 599I swallow this, I'll ne'er draw my sword in the sight of man again 600while I live. I'll sit in a barn with Madge Owlet first. "Scavenger"? Heart, and I'll go near to fill that huge tumbrel slop of yours with 602somewhat, an I have good luck; your Gargantua breech cannot carry it away so.
Oh, do not fret yourself thus! Never think on't.
These are my brother's consorts, these! These are his cumrades, his 605walking mates! He's a gallant, a cavaliero too, right hangman cut! God let me 606not live an I could not find in my heart to swinge the whole 607nest of them, one after another, and begin with him first. I am grieved 608it should be said he is my brother, and take these courses. Well, he 609shall hear on't, and that tightly too, an I live, i'faith.
But brother, let your apprehension then
Ay, ay, let me alone for that, I warrant you.
Bell rings.
How now? Oh, the bell rings to breakfast.
1.4.118619Brother Giuliano, I pray you, go in and bear my wife company. 620I'll but give order to my servants for the dispatch of some business, and 621come to you presently.
Exit Giuliano.
Perhaps so, sir. Take heed somebody have not them by the belly for walking so late in the evening. Exit.
Now, in good faith, my mind is somewhat eased,
Sister Hesperida, I pray you, fetch down the rose-water above in the closet. Exit Hesperida.
[Aside] An she have overheard me now!
I pray thee, good muss, we stay for you.
[Aside] By Christ, I would not for a thousand
What ail you, sweetheart? Are you not well? Speak, good muss.
Troth, my head aches extremely on a sudden.
[Feeling his forehead] O Jesu!
How now? What?
Good lord, how it burns! Muss, keep you warm. Good truth, 665it is this new disease; there's a number are troubled withal. For God's sake, 666sweetheart, come in out of the air.
[Aside] How simple and how subtle are her answers!
I pray thee, good sweetheart, come in. The air will do you harm, in troth.
I'll come to you presently. It will away, I hope.
Pray God it do.
Exit.
A new disease? I know not new or old,
Exit.
'Sblood, I cannot choose but laugh to see myself translated thus, 694from a poor creature to a creator; for now must I create an intolerable 695sort of lies, or else my profession loses his grace. And yet the lie 696to a man of my coat is as ominous as the fico. Oh, sir, 697it holds for good policy to have that outwardly in vilest estimation that inwardly 698is most dear to us. So much for my borrowed shape. Well, the truth 699is my master intends to follow his son dryfoot to Florence this morning. Now 700I, knowing of this conspiracy, and the rather to insinuate with my young master 701-- for so must we that are blue-waiters or men of service do, or 702else perhaps we may wear motley at the year's end, and who wears motley 703you know -- I have got me afore in this disguise, determining here to 704lie in ambuscado and intercept him in the mid way. If I can but 705get his cloak, his purse, his hat -- nay, anything so I can stay 706his journey, rex regum, I am made forever, i'faith. Well, now must I 707practice to get the true garb of one of these lance-knights. [He assumes a 708military posture.] My arm here and my -- Godso, young master and his cousin [He stands aside.]
[To Stephano] So, sir, and how then?
God's foot, I have lost my purse, I think.
How, lost your purse? Where? When had you it?
I cannot tell. Stay!
[Aside] 'Slid, I am afeard they will know me. Would I could get by them!
What, have you it?
No, I think I was bewitched, I.
Nay, do not weep. A pox on it! Hang it, let it go.
[Finding the purse] Oh, it's here. Nay, an it had been 719lost, I had not cared but for a jet ring Marina sent me.
A jet ring? Oh, the posy, the posy?
Fine, i'faith:
Most excellent!
And then I sent her another, and my posy was
How, "by Saint Peter"? I do not conceive that.
Marry, "Saint Peter," to make up the meter.
Well, you are beholding to that saint; he helped you at your need. Thank him, thank him.
[Aside] I will venture, come what will. [Coming forward] Gentlemen, please 733you change a few crowns for a very excellent good blade here? [He presents 734his sword.] I am a poor gentleman, a soldier, one that in the better 735state of my fortunes scorned so mean a refuge, but now it's the humor 736of necessity to have it so. You seem to be gentlemen well affected to 737martial men, else I should rather die with silence than live with shame. Howe'er, 738vouchsafe to remember it is my want speaks, not myself. This condition agrees not with my spirit.
Where hast thou served?
May it please you, signor, in all the provinces of Bohemia, 741Hungaria, Dalmatia, Poland -- where not? I have been a poor servitor by sea 742and land any time this fourteen years, and followed the fortunes of the best 743commanders in Christendom. I was twice shot at the taking of Aleppo, once at 744the relief of Vienna. I have been at America in the galleys thrice, where 745I was most dangerously shot in the head, through both the thighs; and yet, 746being thus maimed, I am void of maintenance, nothing left me but my scars, the noted marks of my resolution.
[Examining Musco's sword] How will you sell this rapier, friend?
Faith, signor, I refer it to your own judgment. You are a gentleman; give me what you please.
True, I am a gentleman, I know that. But what though? I pray you say what would you ask.
I assure you, the blade may become the side of the best prince in Europe.
Ay, with a velvet scabbard!
Nay, an't be mine it shall have a velvet scabbard, that 753is flat. I'd not wear it as 'tis an you would give me an angel.
At your pleasure, signor. Nay, it's a most pure Toledo.
I had rather it were a Spaniard. But tell me, what 756shall I give you for it? An it had a silver hilt --
Come, come, you shall not buy it.
[To Musco, offering him a coin] Hold, there's a shilling, friend. Take thy rapier.
Why, but I will buy it now because you say so. What, shall I go without a rapier?
You may buy one in the city.
Tut, I'll buy this, so I will. -- Tell me your lowest price.
You shall not, I say.
By God's lid, but I will, though I give more than 'tis worth.
Come away. You are a fool.
Friend, I'll have it for that word.
[To Musco] Follow me.
At your service, signor.
Exeunt.
My laboring spirit, being late oppressed
[Aside] My master! Nay, faith, have at you. I am fleshed, 806now I have sped so well. -- Gentleman, I beseech you, respect the estate 807of a poor soldier. I am ashamed of this base course of life, God's 808my comfort, but extremity provokes me to't. What remedy?
I have not for you now.
By the faith I bear unto God, gentleman, it is no 811ordinary custom, but only to preserve manhood. I protest to you, a man I 812have been, a man I may be, by your sweet bounty.
I pray thee, good friend, be satisfied.
Good signor, by Jesu, you may do the part of a 815kind gentleman in lending a poor soldier the price of two cans of beer, 816a matter of small value. The King of heaven shall pay you, and I 817shall rest thankful, sweet signor.
Nay, an you be so importunate --
Oh, Lord, sir, need will have his course. I was not 820made to this vile use. Well, the edge of the enemy could not have 821abated me so much.
[He weeps.] It's hard when a man hath served in 822his prince's cause and be thus. Signor, let me derive a small piece of 823silver from you. It shall not be given in the course of time. By 824this good ground, I was fain to pawn my rapier last night for a 825poor supper; I am a pagan else, sweet signor.
Believe me, I am rapt with admiration
Faith, signor, I would gladly find some other course, if so --
Ay, you'd gladly find it, but you will not seek it.
Alas, sir, where should a man seek? In the wars there's 850no ascent by desert in these days, but -- and for service, would it 851were as soon purchased as wished for, God's my comfort! I know what I 852would say --
What's thy name?
Please you: Portensio.
Portensio?
Signor, by the place and honor of a soldier --
Nay, nay, I like not these affected oaths.
Nothing, signor, but wish my fortunes were as happy as my service should be honest.
Well, follow me. I'll prove thee, if thy deeds
Yes, sir, straight. I'll but garter my hose.
Exit Lorenzo Sr.
2.2.83865Oh, that my belly were hooped now! For I am ready to 866burst with laughing. 'Slid, was there ever seen a fox in years to betray 867himself thus? Now shall I be possessed of all his determinations, and, consequently, my 868young master. Well, he is resolved to prove my honesty. Faith, and I am 869resolved to prove his patience. Oh, I shall abuse him intolerably! This small piece 870of service will bring him clean out of love with the soldier forever. It's 871no matter. Let the world think me a bad counterfeit if I cannot give 872him the slip in an instant. Why, this is better than to have stayed 873his journey, by half. Well, I'll follow him. Oh, how I long to be employed! Exit.
[To Prospero] Yes, faith, sir, we were at your lodging to seek you too.
Oh, I came not there tonight.
Your brother delivered us as much.
Who, Giuliano?
Giuliano. Signor Prospero, I know not in what kind you value 881me, but let me tell you this: as sure as God, I do hold 882it so much out of mine honor and reputation if I should but cast 883the least regard upon such a dunghill of flesh. I protest to you, as 884I have a soul to be saved, I ne'er saw any gentlemanlike part in 885him. An there were no more men living upon the face of the earth, 886I should not fancy him, by Phoebus.
Troth, nor I. He is of a rustical cut -- I know not how. He doth not carry himself like a gentleman.
Oh, Signor Matheo, that's a grace peculiar but to a few. 889Quos aequus amavit Jupiter.
I understand you, sir.
No question you do, sir. -- Lorenzo! Now, on my soul, 893welcome! How dost thou, sweet rascal, my genius? 'Sblood, I shall love Apollo and 894the mad Thespian girls the better while I live, for this. My dear villain, 895now I see there's some spirit in thee. [Prospero and Lorenzo Jr. talk privately 896apart.] Sirrah, these be the two [Indicating Bobadilla and Matheo] I writ to thee 897of. Nay, what a drowsy humor is this now? Why dost thou not speak?
Oh, you are a fine gallant. You sent me a rare letter.
Why, was't not rare?
Yes, I'll be sworn I was ne'er guilty of reading 901the like. Match it in all Pliny's Familiar Epistles, and I'll have my judgment 902burned in the ear for a rogue. Make much of thy vein, for it 903is inimitable. But I mar'l what camel it was that had the carriage of 904it? For doubtless he was no ordinary beast that brought it.
Why?
"Why?" sayest thou? Why, dost thou think that any reasonable 907creature, especially in the morning -- the sober time of the day too -- 908would have ta'en my father for me?
'Sblood, you jest, I hope.
Indeed, the best use we can turn it to is 911to make a jest on't now. But I'll assure you, my father had the 912proving of your copy some hour before I saw it.
What a dull slave was this! But sirrah, what said he to it, i'faith?
Nay, I know not what he said. But I have a shrewd guess what he thought.
What? What?
Marry, that thou art a damned, dissolute villain, and I some grain or two better in keeping thee company.
Tut, that thought is like the moon in the last quarter; 918'twill change shortly. But, sirrah, I pray thee be acquainted with my two zanies 919here. Thou wilt take exceeding pleasure in them if thou hear'st them once. But
920[Indicating Stephano] what strange piece of silence is this? The sign of the Dumb Man?
Oh, sir, a kinsman of mine, one that may make 922our music the fuller, an he please. He hath his humor, sir.
Oh, what is't? What is't?
Nay, I'll neither do thy judgment nor his folly that 925wrong as to prepare thy apprehension; I'll leave him to the mercy of the time. If you can take him, so.
Well, Signor Bobadilla, Signor Matheo, I pray you, know this gentleman 929here; he is a friend of mine and one that will well deserve your 930affection. [To Stephano] I know not your name, signor, but I shall be glad 931of any good occasion to be more familiar with you.
My name is Signor Stephano, sir. I am this gentleman's cousin, 933sir; his father is mine uncle, sir. I am somewhat melancholy, but you shall 934command me, sir, in whatsoever is incident to a gentleman.
[To Lorenzo Jr.] Signor, I must tell you this: I am 936no general man. Embrace it as a most high favor, for, by the host 937of Egypt, but that I conceive you to be a gentleman of some parts 938-- I love few words. You have wit; imagine.
Ay, truly, sir, I am mightily given to melancholy.
Oh, Lord, sir, it's your only best humor, sir. Your true 941melancholy breeds your perfect fine wit, sir. I am melancholy myself divers times, sir, 942and then do I no more but take your pen and paper presently, and 943write you your half-score or your dozen of sonnets at a sitting.
[Aside to Prospero] Mass, then he utters them by the gross.
[To Matheo] Truly, sir, and I love such things out of measure.
[Aside to Prospero] I'faith, as well as in measure.
[To Stephano] Why, I pray you, signor, make use of my study. It's at your service.
I thank you, sir; I shall be bold, I warrant you. Have you a close stool there?
Faith, sir, I have some papers there, toys of mine own 950doing at idle hours, that you'll say there's some sparks of wit in them 951when you shall see them.
[Aside to Lorenzo Jr.] Would they were kindled once and a 953good fire made! I might see self-love burned for her heresy.
[To Lorenzo Jr.] Cousin, is it well? Am I melancholy enough?
Oh, ay, excellent.
Signor Bobadilla, why muse you so?
[Aside to Prospero] He is melancholy too.
Faith, sir, I was thinking of a most honorable piece of 959service was performed, tomorrow being Saint Mark's day, shall be some ten years.
In what place was that service, I pray you, sir?
Why, at the beleag'ring of Ghibeletto, where, in less than two 962hours, seven hundred resolute gentlemen as any were in Europe lost their lives upon 963the breach. I'll tell you, gentlemen, it was the first but the best leaguer 964that ever I beheld with these eyes, except the taking in of Tortosa last 965year by the Genoese; but that of all other was the most fatal and 966dangerous exploit that ever I was ranged in since I first bore arms before 967the face of the enemy, as I am a gentleman and a soldier.
[Aside] 'So, I had as lief as an angel I could 969swear as well as that gentleman!
[To Bobadilla] Then you were a servitor at both, it seems.
Oh, Lord, sir! By Phaethon, I was the first man that 972entered the breach, and, had I not effected it with resolution, I had been 973slain if I had had a million of lives.
Indeed, sir?
Nay, an you heard him discourse, you would say so. How like you him?
[To Lorenzo Jr.] I assure you, upon my salvation, 'tis true, and yourself shall confess.
[Aside] You must bring him to the rack first.
Observe me judicially, sweet signor. They had planted me a demi-culverin 979just in the mouth of the breach. Now, sir, as we were to ascend, 980their master gunner -- a man of no mean skill and courage, you must 981think -- confronts me with his linstock ready to give fire. I, spying his 982intendment, discharged my petronel in his bosom, and with this instrument
[Pointing to his 983weapon], my poor rapier, ran violently upon the Moors that guarded the ordnance and 984put them pell-mell to the sword.
To the sword? To the rapier, signor.
[To Prospero] Oh, it was a good figure observed, sir. 987-- But did you all this, signor, without hurting your blade?
Without any impeach on the earth. You shall perceive, sir. It 989is the most fortunate weapon that ever rid on a poor gentleman's thigh. Shall 990I tell you, sir? You talk of Morglay, Excalibur, Durindana, or so; tut, I 991lend no credit to that is reported of them. I know the virtue of 992mine own, and therefore I dare the boldlier maintain it.
I mar'l whether it be a Toledo or no?
A most perfect Toledo, I assure you, signor.
I have a countryman of his here.
Pray you, let's see, sir.
[He examines Stephano's weapon.] Yes, faith, it is.
This a Toledo? Pish!
Why do you "pish," signor?
A Fleming, by Phoebus. I'll buy them for a guilder apiece, 1000and I'll have a thousand of them.
[To Stephano] How say you, cousin? I told you thus much.
Where bought you it, signor?
Of a scurvy rogue soldier, a pox of God on him! He swore it was a Toledo.
A provant rapier, no better.
Mass, I think it be, indeed.
Tut, now it's too late to look on it.
[To 1007Stephano] Put it up, put it up.
Well, I will not put it up, but, by God's foot, an e'er I meet him --
Oh, it is past remedy now, sir. You must have patience.
Whoreson, coney-catching rascal! Oh, I could eat the very hilts for anger!
A sign you have a good ostrich stomach, cousin.
A stomach? Would I had him here! You should see an I had a stomach.
It's better as 'tis. -- Come, gentlemen, shall we go?
A miracle, cousin. Look here, look here!
[To Musco] Oh, God's lid, by your leave, do you know me, sir?
Ay, sir. I know you by sight.
You sold me a rapier, did you not?
Yes, marry, did I, sir.
You said it was a Toledo, ha?
True, I did so.
But it is none.
No, sir, I confess it, it is none.
Gentlemen, bear witness he has confessed it. -- By God's lid, an you had not confessed it --
Oh, cousin, forbear, forbear.
Nay, I have done, cousin.
Why, you have done like a gentleman. He has confessed it; what would you more?
[Aside to Prospero] Sirrah, how dost thou like him?
[Aside to Lorenzo Jr.] Oh, it's a precious good fool! Make 1030much on him. I can compare him to nothing more happily than a barber's virginals, for everyone may play upon him.
[To Lorenzo Jr.] Gentleman, shall I entreat a word with you?
With all my heart, sir. You have not another Toledo to sell, have ye?
You are pleasant.
[They talk privately.] Your name is Signor Lorenzo, as I take it?
You are in the right. -- 'Sblood, he means to catechize me, I think.
No, sir, I leave that to the curate. I am none 1037of that coat.
And yet of as bare a coat. Well, say, sir.
Faith, signor, I am but servant to god Mars extraordinary, and 1040indeed -- this brass varnish being washed off and three or four other tricks sublated -- I appear yours in reversion, after the decease of your good father -- Musco!
Musco! 'Sblood, what wind hath blown thee hither in this shape?
Your easterly wind, sir -- the same that blew your father hither.
My father?
Nay, never start, it's true. He is come to town of purpose to seek you.
[To Prospero, who joins them] Sirrah Prospero, what shall we do, sirrah? My father is come to the city.
Thy father? Where is he?
At a gentleman's house, yonder by Saint Anthony's, where he but stays my return, and then --
Who's this? Musco?
The same, sir.
Why, how com'st thou transmuted thus?
Faith, a device, a device. Nay, for the love of God, stand not here, gentlemen; house yourselves and I'll tell you all.
But art thou sure he will stay thy return?
Do I live, sir? What a question is that?
Well, we'll prorogue his expectation a little. Musco, thou shalt go 1057with us.
[Calling to the others] Come on, gentlemen. [To Lorenzo Jr.] Nay, I 1058pray thee, good rascal, droop not; 'sheart, an our wits be so gouty that 1059one old, plodding brain can outstrip us all, Lord, I beseech thee, may they 1060lie and starve in some miserable spital, where they may never see the face 1061of any true spirit again, but be perpetually haunted with some churchyard hobgoblin in saecula saeculorum.
Amen, amen!
Exeunt.
He will expect you, sir, within this half hour.
Why, what's o'clock?
New stricken ten.
Hath he the money ready, can you tell?
Yes, sir. Baptista brought it yesternight.
Oh, that's well. Fetch me my cloak. Exit Piso.
Sir, Signor Platano will meet you there with the bond.
That's true. By Jesu, I had clean forgot it;
Past ten, sir.
[Aside] Heart, then will Prospero presently be here too,
Sir?
[Aside] Yet, now I have bethought me, too, I will not. --
I think he be, sir.
[Aside] But he'll prate too; there's no talk of him.
Sir, if a servant's zeal and humble duty
I have a matter to impart to thee,
Sir, for that --
Nay, hear me, man. Think I esteem thee well
Reveal it, sir?
Nay, I do not think thou wouldst,
Sir, then I were a villain.
[Aside] He will not swear. He has some meaning,
Not yet, sir, but I will,
Nay, I dare take thy word.
By my soul's safety, sir, I here protest,
Enough, enough, these ceremonies need not.
At your pleasure, sir.
I pray you, search the books 'gainst I return
I will, sir.
And hear you: if my brother Prospero
Very well, sir.
Forget it not, nor be not you out of the way.
I will not, sir.
Or whether he come or no, if any other,
Yes, sir.
Have care, I pray you, and remember it.
I warrant you, sir.
But Piso, this is not the secret I told thee of.
No, sir, I suppose so.
Nay, believe me, it is not.
I do believe you, sir.
By heaven, it is not; that's enough.
"Piso, remember, silence buried here"?
Fasting days. What tell you me of your fasting days? Would 1206they were all on a light fire for me! They say the world shall 1207be consumed with fire and brimstone in the latter day, but I would we 1208had these Ember weeks and these villainous Fridays burnt in the meantime, and then --
Why, how now, Cob, what moves thee to this choler, ha?
Collar, sir? 'Swounds, I scorn your collar. I, sir, am no collier's horse, sir; never ride me with your collar. An you do, I'll show 1212you a jade's trick.
Oh, you'll slip your head out of the collar. Why, Cob, you mistake me.
Nay, I have my rheum, and I be angry as well as another, sir.
Thy "rheum"? Thy humor, man; thou mistakest.
"Humor"? Mack, I think it be so, indeed. What is this "humor"? It's some rare thing, I warrant.
Marry, I'll tell thee what it is, as 'tis generally received 1218in these days: it is a monster bred in a man by self-love and 1219affectation, and fed by folly.
How? Must it be fed?
Oh, ay, humor is nothing if it be not fed. Why, didst thou never hear of that? It's a common phrase, "Feed my humor."
I'll none on it. Humor, avaunt! I know you not; be 1223gone. Let who will make hungry meals for you; it shall not be I. 1224Feed you, quoth he? 'Sblood, I have much ado to feed myself, especially on 1225these lean rascal days too. An't had been any other day but a fasting 1226day -- a plague on them all, for me! By this light, one might 1227have done God good service and have drowned them all in the flood two 1228or three hundred thousand years ago. Oh, I do stomach them hugely! I have 1229a maw, now, an 'twere for Sir Bevis's horse.
Nay, but I pray thee, Cob, what makes thee so out of love with fasting days?
Marry, that that will make any man out of love with 1232them, I think: their bad conditions, an you will needs know. First, they are 1233of a Flemish breed, I am sure on't, for they raven up more butter 1234than all the days of the week beside. Next, they stink of fish miserably. 1235Thirdly, they'll keep a man devoutly hungry all day, and at night send him supperless to bed.
Indeed, these are faults, Cob.
Nay, an this were all, 'twere something. But they are the 1238only known enemies to my generation. A fasting day no sooner comes but my lineage goes to rack. Poor cobs, they smoke for it; they melt in passion. 1240And your maids too know this, and yet would have me turn Hannibal and 1241eat my own fish and blood!
([He] pulls out a red herring [and addresses 1242it].) My princely coz, fear nothing. I have not the heart to devour you, an I might be made as rich as Golias. Oh, that I had room 1244for my tears! I could weep salt water enough now to preserve the lives 1245of ten thousand of my kin. But I may curse none but these filthy almanacs, for, an 'twere not for them, these days of persecution would ne'er be 1247known. I'll be hanged an some fishmonger's son do not make on them, and 1248puts in more fasting days than he should do because he would utter his father's dried stockfish.
'Soul , peace! Thou'lt be beaten like a stockfish else. [He 1250sees a group approaching.] Here is Signor Matheo. Now must I look out for 1251a messenger to my master.
Exeunt Cob and Piso.
3.2.21253[Enter Matheo, Prospero, Lorenzo Jr., Bobadilla, Stephano, [and] Musco. [Prospero, Lorenzo Jr., and Musco talk among themselves. The rest prepare to smoke pipes.]
Beshrew me, but it was an absolute good jest, and exceedingly well carried.
Ay, and our ignorance maintained it as well, did it not?
Yes, faith; but was't possible thou shouldst not know him?
'Fore God, not I, an I might have been joined patent with one of the Nine Worthies for knowing him. 'Sblood, man, he had 1259so writhen himself into the habit of one of your poor desperviews, your decayed, 1260ruinous, worm-eaten gentlemen of the round, such as have vowed to sit on the 1261skirts of the city (let your provost and his half-dozen of halberdiers do what 1262they can), and have translated begging out of the old hackney pace to a 1263fine, easy amble, and made it run as smooth off the tongue as a 1264shove-groat shilling. Into the likeness of one of these lean Pirgos had he molded 1265himself so perfectly, observing every trick of their action -- as varying the accent, 1266swearing with an emphasis, indeed all with so special and exquisite a grace -- 1267that, hadst thou seen him, thou wouldst have sworn he might have been the 1268Tamburlaine or the Agamemnon of the rout.
Why, Musco, who would have thought thou hadst been such a gallant?
I cannot tell; but unless a man had juggled begging 1271all his lifetime and been a weaver of phrases from his infancy for the 1272appareling of it, I think the world cannot produce his rival.
[To Musco] Where got'st thou this coat, I mar'l?
Faith, sir, I had it of one of the devil's near kinsmen: a broker.
That cannot be, if the proverb hold, "A crafty knave needs no broker."
True, sir, but I need a broker, ergo no crafty knave.
Well put off, well put off.
Tut, he has more of these shifts.
And yet, where I have one, the broker has ten, sir.
[Calling] Francisco! Martino! -- Ne'er a one to be found now. What a spite's this!
How now, Piso? Is my brother within?
No, sir, my master went forth e'en now, but Signor Giuliano is within.
[Calling] Cob! What, Cob! -- Is he gone too?
Whither went thy master, Piso, canst thou tell?
I know not; to Doctor Clement's, I think, sir.
[Calling] Cob! Exit Piso.
Doctor Clement -- what's he? I have heard much speech of him.
Why, dost thou not know him? He is the gonfaloniere of 1288the state here, an excellent rare civilian and a great scholar, but the only mad, merry old fellow in Europe. I showed him you the other day.
Oh, I remember him now. Good faith, and he hath 1291a very strange presence, methinks. It shows as if he stood out of the 1292rank from other men. I have heard many of his jests in Padua. They 1293say he will commit a man for taking the wall of his horse.
Ay, or wearing his cloak of one shoulder, or anything, indeed, if it come in the way of his humor.
[Calling] Gasper, Martino, Cob! -- 'Sheart, where should they be, trow?
[To Piso] Signor Thorello's man, I pray thee, vouchsafe us the lighting of this match.
A pox on your match! No time but now to "vouchsafe"? [Calling] Francisco! Cob! Exit.
[Taking out a tobacco box] Body of me, here's the remainder 1301of seven pound since yesterday was sevennight. It's your right Trinidado. Did you never 1302take any, signor?
No, truly, sir, but I'll learn to take it now, since you commend it so.
Signor, believe me, upon my relation, for what I tell you 1305the world shall not improve. I have been in the Indies, where this herb 1306grows, where neither myself nor a dozen gentlemen more, of my knowledge, have received 1307the taste of any other nutriment in the world for the space of one-and-twenty 1308weeks but tobacco only. Therefore, it cannot be but 'tis most divine. Further, take 1309it in the nature, in the true kind so, it makes an antidote that, 1310had you taken the most deadly poisonous simple in all Florence, it should expel 1311it and clarify you with as much ease as I speak. And for your green wound, your balsamum and your -- are all mere gulleries and trash to 1313it, especially your Trinidado. Your Nicotian is good, too. I could say what I 1314know of the virtue of it for the exposing of rheums, raw humors, crudities, 1315obstructions, with a thousand of this kind, but I profess myself no quacksalver. Only 1316thus much, by Hercules: I do hold it and will affirm it before any 1317prince in Europe to be the most sovereign and precious herb that ever the earth tendered to the use of man.
[Aside to Prospero] Oh, this speech would have done rare in a pothecary's mouth!
[To Cob] Ay, close by Saint Anthony's, Doctor Clement's.
Oh, oh!
[To Piso] Where's the match I gave thee?
'Sblood, would his match, and he, and pipe, and all were at Sancto Domingo! Exit.
By God's deynes, I mar'l what pleasure or felicity they have 1325in taking this roguish tobacco. It's good for nothing but to choke a man 1326and fill him full of smoke and embers. There were four died out of 1327one house last week with taking of it, and two more the bell went 1328for yesternight. One of them, they say, will ne'er scape it; he voided a 1329bushel of soot yesterday, upward and downward. By the stocks, an there were no 1330wiser men than I, I'd have it present death, man or woman, that should 1331but deal with a tobacco pipe. Why, it will stifle them all in th'end, 1332as many as use it; it's little better than ratsbane.
You base cullion, you!
[Handing the lighted flammable material back to Bobadilla] Sir, here's your 1339match. [To Cob] Come, thou must needs be talking, too.
Nay, he will not meddle with his match, I warrant you. Well, it shall be a dear beating, an I live.
[Threatening Cob] Do you prate?
[To Bobadilla] Nay, good signor, will you regard the humor of a fool? [To Cob] Away, knave!
Piso, get him away.
Exit Piso and Cob.
A whoreson, filthy slave, a turd, an excrement! Body of Caesar, 1345but that I scorn to let forth so mean a spirit, I'd have stabbed 1346him to the earth.
Marry, God forbid, sir.
By this fair heaven, I would have done it.
[To himself] Oh, he swears admirably! "By this fair heaven," "Body of Caesar" -- I shall 1350never do it, sure. "Upon my salvation" -- no, I have not the right grace. [The 1351gentlemen smoke.]
[Offering tobacco to Lorenzo Jr.] Signor, will you any? By this air, the most divine tobacco as ever I drunk.
I thank you, sir.
[To himself] Oh, this gentleman doth it rarely too, but nothing 1355like the other. [He practices fencing at a post.] "By this air!" "As I am a gentleman!" "By Phoebus!" Exeunt Bobadilla 1356and Matheo.
[Aside to Lorenzo Jr.] Master, glance, glance! -- Signor Prospero!
As I have a soul to be saved, I do protest --
[Aside] That you are a fool.
[To Stephano] Cousin, will you any tobacco?
[Taking tobacco] Ay, sir, upon my salvation.
How now, cousin?
I protest, as I am a gentleman, but no soldier, indeed.
No, signor? As I remember, you served on a great horse last general muster.
Ay, sir, that's true. -- Cousin, may I swear "as I am a soldier" by that?
Oh, yes, that you may.
Then, as I am a gentleman and a soldier, it is divine tobacco.
But soft, where's Signor Matheo? Gone?
No, sir, they went in here.
Oh, let's follow them. Signor Matheo is gone to salute his mistress.
[To Lorenzo Jr.] Sirrah, now thou shalt hear some of his verses, for 1372he never comes hither without some shreds of poetry. -- Come, Signor Stephano, Musco.
Musco? Where? Is this Musco?
Ay, but peace, cousin, no words of it at any hand.
Not I, by this fair heaven, as I have a soul to be saved, by Phoebus.
[Aside to Lorenzo Jr.] Oh, rare! Your cousin's discourse is simply suited, all in oaths.
[Aside to Prospero] Ay, he lacks nothing but a little 1378light stuff to draw them out withal, and he were rarely fitted to the 1379time.
Exeunt.
Ha! How many are there, sayest thou?
Marry, sir, your brother, Signor Prospero.
Tut, beside him: what strangers are there, man?
Strangers? Let me see: one, two -- mass, I know not well, there's so many.
How? So many?
Ay, there's some five or six of them at the most.
[Aside] A swarm, a swarm!
But a little while, sir.
Didst thou come running?
No, sir.
Tut, then, I am familiar with thy haste.
Like enough, yet I heard not a word of welcome.
[Aside] No, their lips were sealed with kisses, and the voice,
By my troth, sir, will you have the truth of it?
Oh, ay, good Cob, I pray thee.
God's my judge, I saw nobody to be kissed, unless they 1416would have kissed the post in the middle of the warehouse. For there I 1417left them all at their tobacco -- with a pox!
How? Were they not gone in, then, ere thou cam'st?
Oh, no, sir.
Spite of the devil! What do I stay here, then?
Exit Thorello.
Nay, soft and fair! I have eggs on the spit; I 1423cannot go yet, sir. Now am I for some divers reasons hammering, hammering revenge. 1424Oh, for three or four gallons of vinegar to sharpen my wits! Revenge, vinegar 1425revenge, russet revenge! Nay, an he had not lain in my house, 'twould never 1426have grieved me. But being my guest -- one that, I'll be sworn, my 1427wife has lent him her smock off her back while his own shirt ha' 1428been at washing, pawned her neckerchers for clean bands for him, sold almost all 1429my platters to buy him tobacco -- and yet to see an ingratitude wretch strike his host! Well, I hope to raise up an host of Furies for't. Here comes Master Doctor.
What, 's Signor Thorello gone?
Ay, sir.
Heart of me, what made him leave us so abruptly?
[Seeing 1435Cob] How now, sirrah, what make you here? What would you have, ha?
An't please Your Worship, I am a poor neighbor of Your Worship's.
A neighbor of mine, knave?
Ay, sir, at the sign of the water-tankard, hard by the 1439Green Lattice. I have paid scot and lot there any time this eighteen years.
What, at the Green Lattice?
No, sir, to the parish. Marry, I have seldom scaped scot-free at the Lattice.
So. But what business hath my neighbor?
An't like Your Worship, I am come to crave the peace 1444of Your Worship.
Of me, knave?. Peace of me, knave? Did I e'er hurt 1446thee? Did I ever threaten thee? Or wrong thee? Ha?
No, God's my comfort, I mean Your Worship's warrant for one 1448that hath wronged me, sir. His arms are at too much liberty. I would 1449fain have them bound to a treaty of peace, an I could by any 1450means compass it.
Why, dost thou go in danger of thy life for him?
No, sir, but I go in danger of my death every 1453hour by his means. An I die within a twelvemonth and a day, I 1454may swear by the laws of the land that he killed me.
How, how, knave? Swear he killed thee? What pretext, what color hast thou for that?
Marry, sir, both black and blue -- color enough, I warrant you. I have it here to show Your Worship.
What is he that gave you this, sirrah?
A gentleman in the city, sir.
A gentleman? What call you him?
Signor Bobadilla.
Good. But wherefore did he beat you, sirrah? How began the quarrel 'twixt you, ha? Speak truly, knave, I advise you.
Marry, sir, because I spake against their vagrant tobacco as I came by them; for nothing else.
Ha? You speak against tobacco? -- Peto, his name.
What's your name, sirrah?
Oliver Cob, sir. Set Oliver Cob, sir.
[To Peto] Tell Oliver Cob he shall go to the jail.
Oliver Cob, Master Doctor says you shall go to the jail.
Oh, I beseech Your Worship, for God's love, dear Master Doctor!
Nay, God's precious, an such drunken knaves as you are come 1471to dispute of tobacco once, I have done. -- Away with him!
Oh, good Master Doctor!
[To Lorenzo Sr.] Sweet gentleman!
Sweet Oliver, would I could do thee any good. -- Master Doctor, let me entreat, sir.
What? A tankard-bearer, a threadbare rascal, a beggar, a slave that 1475never drunk out of better than pisspot metal in his life? And he to 1476deprave and abuse the virtue of an herb so generally received in the courts 1477of princes, the chambers of nobles, the bowers of sweet ladies, the cabins of 1478soldiers? Peto, away with him, by God's passion. I say, go to.
Dear Master Doctor!
Alas, poor Oliver!
Peto, ay, and make him a warrant. -- He shall not go; I but fear the knave.
Oh, divine doctor! Thanks, noble doctor, most dainty doctor, delicious doctor!
Exeunt Peto with Cob.
Signor Lorenzo, God's pity, man, be merry, be merry, leave these dumps.
Troth, would I could, sir; but enforcd mirth,
Nay, but good signor, hear me a word, hear me a 1493word. Your cares are nothing; they are like my cap, soon put on and 1494as soon put off. What, your son is old enough to govern himself; let 1495him run his course. It's the only way to make him a staid man. 1496If he were an unthrift, a ruffian, a drunkard, or a licentious liver, then 1497you had reason, you had reason to take care; but being none of these, 1498God's passion, an I had twice so many cares as you have, I'd drown 1499them all in a cup of sack. Come, come. I muse your parcel of a soldier returns not all this while.
Well, sister, I tell you true, and you'll find it so in the end.
Alas, brother, what would you have me to do? I cannot 1505help it; you see, my brother Prospero, he brings them in here; they are 1506his friends.
His friends? His fiends! 'Sblood, they do nothing but haunt him 1508up and down like a sort of unlucky sprites and tempt him to all 1509manner of villainy that can be thought of. Well, by this light, a little 1510thing would make me play the devil with some of them. An 'twere not 1511more for your husband's sake than anything else, I'd make the house too hot 1512for them. They should say and swear hell were broken loose ere they went. 1513But, by God's bread, 'tis nobody's fault but yours. For, an you had done 1514as you might have done, they should have been damned ere they should have come in, e'er a one of them!
God's my life, did you ever hear the like? What a 1516strange man is this! Could I keep out all them, think you? I should 1517put myself against half a dozen men, should I? Good faith, you'd mad the 1518patient'st body in the world to hear you talk so, without any sense or reason.
3.4.71519[Enter Matheo [holding papers], with Hesperida [and] Bobadilla, [followed at a distance by] Stephano, Lorenzo Jr., Prospero, [and] Musco.
[To Matheo] Servant, in troth, you are too prodigal
You say well, you say well.
Hoyday, here is stuff!
[Aside to Prospero] Oh, now stand close. Pray God she can get him to read it.
[Aside to Lorenzo Jr.] Tut, fear not. I warrant thee, he will do it of himself with much impudency.
[Indicating Matheo's papers] Servant, what is that same, I pray you?
Marry, an elegy, an elegy, an odd toy.
Ay, to mock an ape withal. O Jesu!
Sister, I pray you, let's hear it.
Mistress, I'll read it, if you please.
I pray you do, servant.
Oh, here's no foppery! 'Sblood, it frets me to the gall to think on it.
Exit.
[Aside to Lorenzo Jr.] Oh, ay, it is his condition. Peace, we are fairly rid of him.
Faith, I did it in an humor. I know not how 1536it is, but, please you, come near, signor. This gentleman
[indicating Stephano] hath judgment; 1537he knows how to censure of a -- . [To Stephano] I pray you, 1538sir, you can judge.
Not I, sir -- as I have a soul to be saved; as I am a gentleman.
[Aside to Prospero] Nay, it's well, so long as he doth not forswear himself.
[To Matheo] Signor, you abuse the excellency of your mistress and her fair sister. Fie, while you live, avoid this prolixity.
I shall, sir. Well, incipere dulce.
[Aside to Prospero] How? "Insipere dulce"? "A sweet thing to be a fool," indeed.
[Aside to Lorenzo Jr.] What, do you take "incipere" in that sense?
[Aside to Prospero] You do not, you? 'Sblood, this was your villainy, to gull him with a mot.
[Aside to Lorenzo Jr.] Oh, the benchers' phrase: pauca verba, pauca verba.
[Reads]
[Aside to Prospero] 'Sheart, this is in Hero and Leander!
[Aside to Lorenzo Jr.] Oh, ay, peace. We shall have more of this.
[Reciting]
[To Stephano] How like you that, signor?
[Aside to Prospero] 'Sblood, he shakes his head like a bottle, to feel an there be any brain in it.
But observe the catastrophe now:
[Aside to Prospero] Well, I'll have him free of the brokers, for he utters nothing but stol'n remnants.
[Aside to Lorenzo Jr.] Nay, good critic, forbear.
[Aside to Prospero] A pox on him, hang him,
[To Hesperida] Sister, what have you here? Verses? I pray you, let's see.
Do you let them go so lightly, sister?
Yes, faith, when they come lightly.
Ay, but if your servant should hear you, he would take it heavily.
No matter. He is able to bear.
So are asses.
So is he.
Signor Matheo, who made these verses? They are excellent good.
Oh, God, sir, it's your pleasure to say so, sir. Faith, I made them extempore this morning.
How, extempore?
I would I might be damned else. Ask Signor Bobadilla. He 1587saw me write them at the -- pox on it! -- the Miter yonder.
[Aside to Prospero and Lorenzo Jr.] Well, an the Pope knew 1589he cursed the miter, it were enough to have him excommunicated all the taverns 1590in the town.
[To Lorenzo Jr.] Cousin, how do you like this gentleman's verses?
Oh, admirable! The best that ever I heard.
By this fair heavens, they are admirable, the best that ever I heard.
[To himself] I am vexed. I can hold never a bone 1596of me still! 'Sblood, I think they mean to build a tabernacle here. Well!
[To Hesperida] Sister, you have a simple servant here, that crowns 1598your beauty with such encomions and devices. You may see what it is to 1599be the mistress of a wit that can make your perfections so transparent that 1600every blear eye may look through them and see him drowned over head and 1601ears in the deep well of desire. -- Sister Bianca, I marvel you get 1602you not a servant that can rhyme and do tricks, too.
[To himself] Oh, monster! Impudence itself! Tricks?
[To Prospero] Tricks, brother? What tricks?
Nay, speak, I pray you, what tricks?
Ay, never spare anybody here, but say, what tricks?
Passion of my heart! "Do tricks"?
'Sblood, here's a trick, vied and revied. Why, you monkeys, you, 1609what a caterwauling do you keep! Has he not given you rhymes and verses 1610and tricks?
[To himself] Oh, see the devil!
[To Hesperida] Nay, you lamp of virginity, that take it in snuff so, come and cherish this tame poetical fury in your "servant"; you'll 1614be begged else shortly for a concealment. Go to, reward his muse. You cannot 1615give him less than a shilling, in conscience, for the book he had it 1616out of cost him a teston at the least. -- How now, gallants, Lorenzo, 1617Signor Bobadilla? What, all sons of silence? No spirit?
[Aloud] Come, you might practice your ruffian tricks somewhere else and 1619not here, iwis. This is no tavern, nor no place for such exploits.
'Sheart, how now?
Nay, boy, never look askance at me for the matter. I'll 1622tell you of it, by God's bread! Ay, and you and your companions, mend 1623yourselves when I have done.
My companions?
Ay, your companions, sir, so I say. 'Sblood, I am not 1626afraid of you nor them neither. You must have your poets and your cavaliers 1627and your fools follow you up and down the city, and here they must 1628come to domineer and swagger?
[To Matheo] Sirrah, you ballad-singer, and Slops, your fellow there, get you out! Get you out or, by the will of God, I'll 1630cut off your ears! Go to.
[To Matheo and Bobadilla, as they move away] 'Sblood, stay. Let's 1632see what he dare do. [To Giuliano] Cut off his ears? You are an 1633ass. Touch any man here and, by the Lord, I'll run my rapier to 1634the hilts in thee.
Yea, that would I fain see, boy.
Oh, Jesu! Piso, Matheo, murder!
Help, help, Piso!
Gentlemen! Prospero! Forbear, I pray you.
[To Giuliano] Well, sirrah, you Holofernes: by my hand, I will 1642pink thy flesh full of holes with my rapier for this, I will, by 1643this good heaven!
3.4.1001645Nay, let him come, let him come, gentlemen; by the body of Saint George, I'll not kill him.
Hold, hold! Forbear.
[To Bobadilla] You whoreson bragging coistrel!
Why, how now? What's the matter? What stir is here?
Here, sir.
[To Lorenzo Jr.. and the others] Come, let's go. This is one of my brother's ancient humors, this.
I am glad nobody was hurt by this ancient humor.
Why, how now, brother, who enforced this brawl?
A sort of lewd rakehells, that care neither for God nor 1660the devil. And they must come here to read ballads and roguery and trash! 1661I'll mar the knot of them ere I sleep, perhaps, especially Signor Pythagoras, he 1662that's all manner of shapes, and Songs and Sonnets, his fellow there.
Brother, indeed, you are too violent,
Respect? What talk you of respect 'mongst such as had neither 1670spark of manhood nor good manners? By God, I am ashamed to hear you. 1671Respect?
Exit.
Yes, there was one, a civil gentleman,
Oh, that was some love of yours, sister.
A love of mine? In faith, I would he were
Indeed, he seemed to be a gentleman of an exceeding fair disposition and of very excellent good parts.
Exit Hesperida [and] Bianca.
[Aside] Her love, by Jesu! My wife's minion!
Ay, sir, they went in.
Are any of the gallants within?
No, sir, they are all gone.
Art thou sure of it?
Ay, sir, I can assure you.
Piso, what gentleman was that they praised so?
One they call him Signor Lorenzo, a fair young gentleman, sir.
[Aside] Ay, I thought so; my mind gave me as much.
Exeunt.
[Knocking] What, Tib! Tib, I say!
[Within] How now, what cuckold is that knocks so hard?
Nay, you have stunned me, i'faith! You have given me a knock on the forehead will stick by me. Cuckold? 'Swounds, cuckold?
Away, you fool! Did I know it was you that knocked? Come, come, you may call me as bad when you list.
May I? 'Swounds, Tib, you are a whore.
'Sheart, you lie in your throat.
How, the lie? And in my throat too? Do you long to be stabbed, ha?
Why, you are no soldier.
Mass, that's true. When was Bobadilla here? That rogue, that slave, that fencing Burgullian! I'll tickle him, i'faith.
Why, what's the matter?
Oh, he hath basted me rarely, sumptuously! But I have it 1711here will sauce him. Oh, the doctor, the honestest old Trojan in all Italy! 1712I do honor the very flea of his dog. A plague on him, he 1713put me once in a villainous, filthy fear. Marry, it vanished away like the 1714smoke of tobacco, but I was smoked soundly first, I thank the devil and 1715his good angel, my guest. Well, wife, or Tib, which you will, get you 1716in and lock the door, I charge you, let no body in to you 1717-- not Bobadilla himself, nor the devil in his likeness. You are a woman; 1718you have flesh and blood enough in you; therefore, be not tempted; keep the door shut upon all comers.
I warrant you, there shall no body enter here without my consent.
Nor with your consent, sweet Tib; and so I leave you.
It's more than you know, whether you leave me so.
How?
Why, sweet.
Tut, sweet or sour, thou art a flower.
Exeunt.
3.6.21727[Enter Lorenzo Jr., Prospero, Stephano, [and] Musco [disguised still as a soldier. Lorenzo Jr., Prospero, and Musco confer where Stephano cannot hear them.]
Well, Musco, perform this business happily and thou makest a conquest of my love forever.
[To Musco] I'faith, now let thy spirits put on their best habit. But, at any hand, remember thy message to my brother, for there's no 1731other means to start him.
I warrant you, sir, fear nothing. I have a nimble soul 1733that hath waked all my imaginative forces by this time and put them in 1734true motion. What you have possessed me withal, I'll discharge it amply, sir. Make no question.
That's well said, Musco.
Exit Musco.
Troth, well, howsoever, but excellent if it take.
Take, man? Why, it cannot choose but take, if the circumstances 1739miscarry not. But tell me zealously: dost thou affect my sister Hesperida, as thou pretendest?
Prospero, by Jesu!
Come, do not protest, I believe thee. I'faith, she is a 1742virgin of good ornament and much modesty. Unless I conceived very worthily of her, 1743thou shouldst not have her.
Nay, I think it a question whether I shall have her, for all that.
'Sblood, thou shalt have her, by this light thou shalt.
Nay, do not swear.
By Saint Mark, thou shalt have her. I'll go fetch her 1748presently. Point but where to meet, and, by this hand, I'll bring her.
Hold, hold. What, all policy dead? No prevention of mischiefs stirring?
Why, by -- what shall I swear by? Thou shalt have her, by my soul.
I pray thee, have patience. I am satisfied. Prospero, omit 1752no offered occasion that may make my desires complete, I beseech thee.
I warrant thee.
Exeunt.
Was your man a soldier, sir?
Ay, a knave. I took him up begging upon the way, this morning as I was coming to the city.
Marry, God's my comfort, where I thought I should have had little comfort of Your Worship's service.
How so?
Oh, God, sir! Your coming to the city, and your entertainment 1764of me, and your sending me to watch -- indeed, all the circumstances are 1765as open to your son as to yourself.
How should that be? Unless that villain Musco
I'faith, you have hit it; 'tis so, indeed.
But how should he know thee to be my man?
Nay, sir, I cannot tell, unless it were by the black art. Is not your son a scholar, sir?
Yes, but I hope his soul is not allied
Nay, sir, rather you should ask where they found me, for 1778I'll be sworn I was going along in the street, thinking nothing, when of 1779a sudden one calls, "Signor Lorenzo's man!" Another, he cries, "Soldier!" And thus half a dozen 1780of them, till they had got me within doors, where I no sooner came 1781but out flies their rapiers and, all bent against my breast, they swore some 1782two or three hundred oaths, and all to tell me I was but a 1783dead man if I did not confess where you were, and how I was 1784employed, and about what. Which, when they could not get out of me -- 1785as God's my judge, they should have killed me first -- they locked me 1786up into a room in the top of a house, where by great miracle, 1787having a light heart, I slid down by a bottom of packthread into the 1788street and so scaped. But master, thus much I can assure you, for I 1789heard it while I was locked up: there were a great many merchants and 1790rich citizens' wives with them at a banquet, and your son, Signor Lorenzo, has 1791pointed one of them to meet anon at one Cob's house, a waterbearer's, that 1792dwells by the wall. Now there you shall be sure to take him, for fail he will not.
Nor will I fail to break this match, I doubt not.
Ay, sir, there you shall have him.
4.1.281798[Aside] When, can you tell? Much wench or much son! 'Sblood, 1799when he has stayed there three or four hours, travailing with the expectation of 1800somewhat, and at the length be delivered of nothing -- oh, the sport that 1801I should then take to look on him if I durst! But now I 1802mean to appear no more afore him in this shape; I have another trick 1803to act yet. Oh, that I were so happy as to light upon an 1804ounce now of this doctor's clerk! [To Peto] God save you, sir.
I thank you, good sir.
I have made you stay somewhat long, sir.
Not a whit, sir. I pray you, what, sir, do you mean? You have been lately in the wars, sir, it seems.
Ay, marry, have I, sir.
Troth, sir, I would be glad to bestow a pottle of wine of you, if it please you to accept it --
Oh, Lord, sir!
But to hear the manner of your services and your devices 1812in the wars. They say they be very strange, and not like those a 1813man reads in the Roman histories.
Oh, God, no, sir. Why, at any time when it please 1815you I shall be ready to discourse to you what I know. [Aside] 1816And more too, somewhat.
No better time than now, sir. We'll go to the Mermaid. 1818There we shall have a cup of neat wine. I pray you, sir, let 1819me request you.
I'll follow you, sir. [Aside] He is mine own, i'faith.
Exeunt.
[To Lorenzo Jr.] Signor, did you ever see the like clown 1824of him where we were today, Signor Prospero's brother? I think the whole earth 1825cannot show his like, by Jesu.
We were now speaking of him. Signor Bobadilla tells me he is fallen foul of you two.
Oh, ay, sir, he threatened me with the bastinado.
Ay, but I think I taught you a trick this morning 1829for that. You shall kill him, without all question, if you be so minded.
Indeed, it is a most excellent trick.
Oh, you do not give spirit enough to your motion. You 1833are too dull, too tardy. Oh, it must be done like lightning. Hay![He demonstrates.]
Oh, rare!
Tut, 'tis nothing, an't be not done in a -- .
Signor, did you never play with any of our masters here?
Oh, good sir!
Nay, for a more instance of their preposterous humor, there came 1839three or four of them to me at a gentleman's house, where it was 1840my chance to be resident at that time, to entreat my presence at their 1841schools, and withal so much importuned me that -- I protest to you, as 1842I am a gentleman -- I was ashamed of their rude demeanor out of 1843all measure. Well, I told them that to come to a public school, they 1844should pardon me, it was opposite to my humor; but if so they would 1845attend me at my lodging, I protested to do them what right or favor 1846I could, as I was a gentleman, et cetera.
So, sir, then you tried their skill?
Alas, soon tried! You shall hear, sir. Within two or three 1849days after, they came, and, by Jesu, good signor, believe me, I graced them 1850exceedingly, showed them some two or three tricks of prevention hath got them since 1851admirable credit. They cannot deny this. And yet now they hate me; and why? 1852Because I am excellent, and for no other reason on the earth.
This is strange and vile as ever I heard.
I will tell you, sir. Upon my first coming to the 1855city they assaulted me, some three, four, five, six of them together, as I 1856have walked alone in divers places of the city, as upon the Exchange, at 1857my lodging, and at my ordinary, where I have driven them afore me the 1858whole length of a street in the open view of all our gallants, pitying 1859to hurt them, believe me. Yet all this lenity will not depress their spleen; 1860they will be doing with the pismire, raising a hill a man may spurn abroad with his foot at pleasure. By my soul, I could have slain them 1862all, but I delight not in murder. I am loath to bear any other 1863but a bastinado for them, and yet I hold it good policy not to 1864go disarmed, for, though I be skillful, I may be suppressed with multitudes.
Ay, by Jesu, may you, sir, and in my conceit 1866our whole nation should sustain the loss by it, if it were so.
Alas, no. What's a peculiar man to a nation? Not seen.
Ay, but your skill, sir.
Indeed, that might be some loss, but who respects it? I 1870will tell you, signor, in private: I am a gentleman and live here obscure 1871and to myself. But were I known to the duke, observe me, I would 1872undertake, upon my head and life, for the public benefit of the state, not 1873only to spare the entire lives of his subjects in general, but to save 1874the one half -- nay, three parts -- of his yearly charges in holding 1875wars generally against all his enemies. And how will I do it, think you?
Nay, I know not, nor can I conceive.
Marry, thus: I would select nineteen more to myself throughout the 1878land; gentlemen they should be of good spirit, strong and able constitution. I would 1879choose them by an instinct, a trick that I have. And I would teach 1880these nineteen the special tricks -- as your punto, your reverso, your stoccato, your 1881imbroccato, your passado, your montanto -- till they could all play very near or 1882altogether as well as myself. This done, say the enemy were forty thousand strong: 1883we twenty would come into the field the tenth of March or thereabouts and 1884would challenge twenty of the enemy. They could not in their honor refuse the 1885combat. Well, we would kill them; challenge twenty more, kill them; twenty more, kill 1886them; twenty more, kill them too. And thus would we kill every man his 1887twenty a day, that's twenty score; twenty score, that's two hundred; two hundred a 1888day, five days a thousand. Forty thousand -- forty times five, five times forty 1889-- two hundred days kills them all, by computation. And this will I venture my life to perform, provided there by no treason practiced upon us.
Why, are you so sure of your hand at all times?
Tut, never mistrust, upon my soul.
Mass, I would not stand in Signor Giuliano's state, then, an you meet him, for the wealth of Florence.
Why, signor, by Jesu, if he were here now, I would 1894not draw my weapon on him. Let this gentleman do his mind, but I 1895will bastinado him, by heaven, an ever I meet him.
Faith, and I'll have a fling at him.
Look, yonder he goes, I think.
[To himself] 'Sblood, what luck have I! I cannot meet with these bragging rascals. And goes out again.
It's not he, is it?
Yes, faith, it is he.
I'll be hanged, then, if that were he.
Before God, it was he. You make me swear.
Upon my salvation, it was he.
Well, had I thought it had been he, he could not 1906have gone so. But I cannot be induced to believe it was he yet.
[To Bobadilla] Oh, gallant, have I found you? Draw. To your tools! Draw! Or, by God's will, I'll thrash you.
Signor, hear me!
Draw your weapons, then.
Signor, I never thought on it till now: body of Saint 1912George, I have a warrant of the peace served on me even now as 1913I came along, by a waterbearer. This gentleman saw it -- Signor Matheo.
Matheo runs away.
The peace? 'Sblood, you will not draw?
Hold, signor, hold! Under thy favor, forbear!
[To Bobadilla] Prate again as you like this, you whoreson cowardly 1918rascal! You'll control the point, you? Your consort, he is gone? Had he stayed, 1919he had shared with you, in faith. Exit Giuliano [leaving his cloak] behind him 1920in his haste].
Well, gentlemen, bear witness I was bound to the peace, by Jesu.
Why, and though you were, sir, the law allows you to defend yourself. That's but a poor excuse.
I cannot tell. I never sustained the like disgrace, by heaven. 1924Sure I was struck with a planet then, for I had no power to 1925touch my weapon.
Ay, like enough. I have heard of many that have 1927been beaten under a planet. Go, get you to the surgeon's. 'Sblood, an these 1928be your tricks, your passados and your montantos, I'll none of them.
[Taking up Giuliano's cloak] Mass, I'll have this cloak.
God's will, it's Giuliano's.
Nay, but 'tis mine now; another might have ta'en it up as well as I. I'll wear it, so I will.
How an he see it? He'll challenge it, assure yourself.
Ay, but he shall not have it. I'll say I bought it.
Advise you, cousin, take heed he give not you as much.
Exeunt.
Now trust me, Prospero, you were much to blame
No harm done, brother, I warrant you. Since there is no 1946harm done, anger costs a man nothing, and a tall man is never his 1947own man till he be angry. To keep his valor in obscurity is to 1948keep himself, as it were, in a cloakbag. What's a musician unless he play? 1949What's a tall man unless he fight? For, indeed, all this my brother stands 1950upon absolutely, and that made me fall in with him so resolutely.
Ay, but what harm might have come of it!
Might? So might the good warm clothes your husband wears be 1953poisoned, for anything he knows, or the wholesome wine he drunk even now at 1954the table.
Now, God forbid! [Aside] Oh, me, now I remember:
Oh, strange humor! My very breath hath poisoned him.
[To Thorello] Good brother, be content. What do you mean?
Beshrew your heart-blood, brother Prospero,
Is a fit simile a toy? Will he be poisoned with 1969a simile? -- Brother Thorello, what a strange and vain imagination is this! For 1970shame, be wiser. Of my soul, there's no such matter.
Am I not sick? How am I then not poisoned?
If you be sick, your own thoughts make you sick.
His jealousy is the poison he hath taken.
Signor Thorello, my master, Doctor Clement, salutes you and desires to speak with you with all speed possible.
No time but now? Well, I'll wait upon His Worship. -- 1978Piso! Cob! [Aside] I'll seek them out and set them sentinels till I 1979return. -- Piso! Cob! Piso!
Exit.
[Privately to Musco] Musco, this is rare. But how got'st thou this apparel of the Doctor's man?
Marry, sir, my youth would needs bestow the wine of me 1982to hear some martial discourse, where I so marshalled him that I made him 1983monstrous drunk. And because too much heat was the cause of his distemper, I 1984stripped him stark naked, as he lay along asleep, and borrowed his suit to 1985deliver this counterfeit message in, leaving a rusty armor and an old brown bill 1986to watch him till my return -- which shall be when I have pawned 1987his apparel and spent the money, perhaps.
Well, thou art a mad knave, Musco. His absence will be 1989a good subject for more mirth. I pray thee, return to thy young master 1990Lorenzo and will him to meet me and Hesperida at the Friary presently; for 1991here, tell him, the house is so stirred with jealousy that there is no 1992room for love to stand upright in. But I'll use such means she shall 1993come thither, and that, I think, will meet best with his desires. Hie thee, good Musco.
I go, sir.
Exit.
Ho, Piso! Cob! Where are these villains, trow?
Most true, sir.
Thanks, gentle Piso. Where is Cob, now? -- Cob!
He's ever calling for Cob. I wonder how he employs Cob so.
Indeed, sister, to ask how he employs Cob is a necessary 2020question for you that are his wife and a thing not very easy for 2021you to be satisfied in. But this I'll assure you: Cob's wife is an 2022excellent bawd, indeed, and oftentimes your husband haunts her house -- marry, to what 2023end I cannot altogether accuse him. Imagine you what you think convenient. But I 2024have known fair hides have foul hearts ere now, I can tell you.
Never said you truer than that, brother. -- Piso, fetch your 2026cloak and go with me; I'll after him presently. I would to Christ I 2027could take him there, i'faith!
Exeunt Piso and Bianca.
So, let them go. This may make sport anon. -- Now, 2029my fair sister Hesperida: ah, that you knew how happy a thing it were 2030to be fair and beautiful!
That toucheth not me, brother.
That's true; that's even the fault of it. For, indeed, beauty 2033stands a woman in no stead unless it procure her touching. But sister, whether 2034it touch you or no, it touches your beauties, and I am sure they 2035will abide the touch. An they do not, a plague of all ceruse, say 2036I! And it touches me too in part, though not in the --. Well, 2037there's a dear and respected friend of mine, sister, stands very strongly affected towards 2038you, and hath vowed to inflame whole bonfires of zeal in his heart in 2039honor of your perfections. I have already engaged my promise to bring you where 2040you shall hear him confirm much more than I am able to lay down 2041for him. Signor Lorenzo is the man. What say you, sister? Shall I entreat 2042so much favor of you for my friend as to direct and attend you 2043to his meeting? Upon my soul, he loves you extremely. Approve it, sweet Hesperida, will you?
Faith, I had very little confidence in mine own constancy if 2045I durst not meet a man. But brother Prospero, this motion of yours savors 2046of an old knight-adventurer's servant, methinks.
What's that, sister?
Marry, of the squire.
No matter, Hesperida, if it did. I would be such an one for my friend. But say, will you go?
Brother, I will, and bless my happy stars.
Why, what villainy is this? My man gone on a false 2053message, and run away when he has done? Why, what trick is there in 2054it, trow?
How? Is my wife gone forth? Where is she, sister?
She's gone abroad with Piso.
Abroad with Piso? Oh, that villain dors me!
I know not, sir.
I'll tell you, brother, whither I suspect she's gone.
Whither, for God's sake?
To Cob's house, I believe; but keep my counsel.
I will, I will. To Cob's house? Doth she haunt Cob's?
Exit.
[To Hesperida] But did you, mistress, see my man bring him a message?
That we did, Master Doctor.
And whither went the knave?
To the tavern, I think, sir.
What, did Thorello give him anything to spend for the message 2074he brought him? If he did, I should commend my man's wit exceedingly if 2075he would make himself drunk with the joy of it. Farewell, lady. Keep good 2076rule, you two, I beseech you now. By God's marry, my man makes me laugh!
Exit.
What a mad doctor this is! Come, sister, let's away.
Exeunt.
I wonder, signor, what they will say of my going away, ha?
Why, what should they say, but as of a discreet gentleman, 2082quick, wary, respectful of nature's fair lineaments, and that's all?
Why, so, but what can they say of your beating?
A rude part, a touch with soft wood, a kind of 2085gross battery used, laid on strongly, borne most patiently, and that's all.
Ay, but would any man have offered it in Venice?
Tut, I assure you, no. You shall have there your nobilis, 2088your gentilezza, come in bravely upon your reverse, stand you close, stand you firm, 2089stand you fair, save your retricato with his left leg, come to the assalto 2090with the right, thrust with brave steel, defy your base wood. But wherefore do 2091I awake this remembrance? I was bewitched, by Jesu! But I will be revenged.
Do you hear? Is't not best to get a warrant, and have him arrested and brought before Doctor Clement?
It were not amiss. Would we had it!
Why, here comes his man. Let's speak to him.
Agreed. Do you speak.
[To Musco] God save you, sir.
With all my heart, sir.
Sir, there is one Giuliano hath abused this gentleman and me, 2100and we determine to make our amends by law. Now, if you would do 2101us the favor to procure us a warrant for his arrest of your master, 2102you shall be well considered, I assure, i'faith, sir.
Sir, you know my service is my living. Such favors as 2104these gotten of my master is his only preferment, and therefore you must consider 2105me as I may make benefit of my place.
How is that?
Faith, sir, the thing is extraordinary, and the gentleman may be 2108of great account. Yet, be what he will, if you will lay me down 2109five crowns in my hand, you shall have it; otherwise, not.
How shall we do, signor? You have no money?
Not a cross, by Jesu.
Nor I, before God, but two pence, left of my two 2114shillings in the morning for wine and cakes. Let's give him some pawn.
Pawn? We have none to the value of his demand.
Oh, Lord, man, I'll pawn this jewel in my ear, and 2117you may pawn your silk stockings, and pull up your boots. They will ne'er 2118be missed.
Well, an there be no remedy, I'll step aside and put them off.
[To Musco] Do you hear, sir? We have no store of 2122money at this time, but you shall have good pawns -- look you, sir, 2123this jewel and this gentleman's silk stockings -- because we would have it dispatched 2124ere we went to our chambers.
I am content, sir. I will get you the warrant presently. What's his name, say you? Giuliano?
Ay, ay, Giuliano.
What manner of man is he?
A tall, big man, sir. He goes in a cloak most commonly of silk russet, laid about with russet lace.
'Tis very good, sir.
Here, sir, here's my jewel.
And here are stockings.
[They present their pawn.]
Well, gentlemen, I'll procure this warrant presently and appoint you a varlet of the city to serve it. If you'll be upon the Rialto anon, 2135the varlet shall meet you there.
Very good, sir. I wish no better.
Exeunt Bobadilla and Matheo.
This is rare! Now will I go pawn this cloak of 2139the Doctor's man at the broker's for a varlet's suit, and be the varlet 2140myself, and get either more pawns or more money of Giuliano for my arrest.
Oh, here it is. I am glad I have found it now.
I am within, sir. What's your pleasure?
To know who is within besides yourself.
Why, sir, you are no constable, I hope?
Oh, fear you the constable? Then I doubt not
I'God's name, sir!
Go to. Tell me, is not the young Lorenzo here?
Young Lorenzo? I saw none such, sir, of mine honesty.
Go to, your honesty flies too lightly from you.
The constable? The man is mad, I think.
Ho! Who keeps house here?
[Aside] Oh, this is the female copesmate of my son.
Knock, Piso, pray thee.
[Knocking] Ho, good wife!
[Within] Why, what's the matter with you?
Why, woman, grieves it you to ope your door?
What mean these questions, pray ye?
So strange you make it?
[Aside] Her husband?
I hope he needs not to be tried here.
No, dame, he doth it not for need, but pleasure.
Neither for need nor pleasure is he here.
[Aside] This is but a device to balk me withal. Soft, who's this?
Oh, sir, have I forestalled your honest market?
[Aside] She cannot counterfeit this palpably.
[To Bianca] Out on thee, more than strumpet's
Out! I defy thee, I, dissembling wretch!
Defy me, strumpet?
[He points to Piso.] Ask thy pander here.
Why, hear you, signor --
Tut, tut, never speak.
What lunacy is this that haunts this man?
Oh, sister, did you see my cloak?
Not I, I see none.
God's life, I have lost it, then. Saw you Hesperida?
Hesperida? Is she not at home?
No, she is gone abroad, and nobody can tell me of it at home.
Exit.
O heaven! Abroad? What, light? A harlot too?
Marry, with all my heart; I'll go willingly.
[To Thorello] Go with thee? I'll go with thee to thy shame, I warrant thee.
Why, what's the matter? What's here to do?
[Seeing Cob] What, Cob, art thou here? Oh, I am abused,
'Slid, in my house? Who wronged you in my house?
Marry, young-lust-in-old and old-in-young, here.
[To Tib] Do you hear? Did I not charge you keep 2236your doors shut here, and do you let them lie open for all comers? 2237(Cob beats his wife.) [She fights back.] Do you scratch?
Friend, have patience. If she have done wrong in this, let her answer it before the magistrate.
[To Tib] Ay, come, you shall go afore the Doctor.
Nay, I will go. I'll see an you may be allowed 2241to beat your poor wife thus at every cuckoldly knave's pleasure. The devil and 2242the pox take you all for me! Why do you not go now?
A bitter quean. Come, we'll have you tamed.
Exeunt.
5.2.22245[Enter Musco alone [wearing the gown and carrying the mace of a "varlet" or arresting officer].
Well, of all my disguises yet, now am I most like 2247myself, being in this varlet's suit. A man of my present profession never counterfeits 2248till he lay hold upon a debtor and says he 'rests him, for then 2249he brings him to all manner of unrest. A kind of little kings we 2250are, bearing the diminutive of a mace made like a young artichoke that always 2251carries pepper and salt in itself. Well, I know not what danger I undergo 2252by this exploit. Pray God I come well off.
See, I think yonder is the varlet.
Let's go in quest of him.
[To Musco] God save you, friend. Are not you here by the appointment of Doctor Clement's man?
Yes, an please you, sir. He told me two gentlemen had 2258willed him to procure an arrest upon one Signor Giuliano by a warrant from 2259his master, which I have about me.
It is honestly done of you both. And see where he 2261comes you must arrest. Upon him, for God's sake, before he be ware!
Bear back, Matheo!
Signor Giuliano, I arrest you, sir, in the duke's name.
Signor Giuliano? Am I Signor Giuliano? I am one Signor Stephano, 2266I tell you, and you do not well, by God's lid, to arrest me, 2267I tell you truly. I am not in your master's books, I would you 2268should well know. Ay, and a plague of God on you for making me afraid thus!
Why, how are you deceived, gentlemen!
He wears such a cloak, and that deceived us. But see, here 'a comes. Officer, this is he.
[To Stephano] Why, how now, Signor Gull, are you turned filcher of late? Come, deliver my cloak.
Your cloak, sir? I bought it even now in the market.
Signor Giuliano, I must arrest you, sir.
Arrest me, sir? At whose suit?
At these two gentlemen's.
I obey thee, varlet; but for these villains --
Keep the peace, I charge you, sir, in the duke's name, sir.
What's the matter, varlet?
You must go before Master Doctor Clement, sir, to answer what 2281these gentlemen will object against you. Hark you, sir, I will use you kindly.
[To Giuliano] We'll be even with you, sir. -- Come, Signor 2283Bobadilla, we'll go before and prepare the Doctor. -- Varlet, look to him.
The varlet is a tall man, by Jesu.
Away, you rascals!
Exeunt Bobadilla and Matheo.
Your cloak? I say once again I bought it, and I'll keep it.
You will keep it?
Ay, that I will.
[To Musco] Varlet, stay! Here's thy fee. Arrest him. [He gives Musco money.]
Signor Stephano, I arrest you.
Arrest me? There, take your cloak; I'll none of it.
Nay, that shall not serve your turn. -- Varlet, bring him 2294away. I'll go with thee now to the Doctor's. And carry him along.
Why, is not here your cloak? What would you have?
I care not for that.
I pray you, sir.
Never talk of it. I will have him answer it.
Well, sir, then I'll leave you. I'll take this gentleman's word for his appearance, as I have done yours.
Tut, I'll have no words taken. Bring him along to answer it.
Good sir, I pity the gentleman's case. Here's your money again.
God's bread, tell not me of my money. Bring him away, I say.
I warrant you, he will go with you of himself.
Yet more ado?
[Aside] I have made a fair mash of it.
Must I go?
Exeunt.
5.3.22308[Enter DOCTOR Clement, Thorello, Lorenzo Sr., Bianca, Piso, Tib, [and] a Servant or two of the Doctor's.
Nay, but stay, stay. Give me leave. [To a Servant] My 2310chair, sirrah. -- You, Signor Lorenzo, say you went thither to meet your son?
Ay, sir.
But who directed you thither?
That did my man, sir.
Where is he?
Nay, I know not now. I left him with your clerk, and appointed him to stay here for me.
About what time was this?
Marry, between one and two, as I take it.
So, what time came my man with the message for you, Signor Thorello?
After two, sir.
Very good. -- But lady, how that you were at Cob's, ha?
An please you, sir, I'll tell you. My brother Prospero told me that Cob's house was a suspected place.
So it appears, methinks. But on.
And that my husband used thither daily.
No matter, so he use himself well.
True, sir, but you know what grows by such haunts oftentimes.
Ay, rank fruits of a jealous brain, lady. But did you find your husband there in that case, as you suspected?
I found her there, sir.
Did you so? That alters the case. Who gave you knowledge of your wife's being there?
Marry, that did my brother Prospero.
How? Prospero first tell her, then tell you after? Where is Prospero?
Gone with my sister, sir, I know not whither.
Why, this is a mere trick, a device. You are gulled 2333in this most grossly.
[To Tib] Alas, poor wench, wert thou beaten for this?
Sir, there's a gentleman in the court without desires to speak with Your Worship.
A gentleman? What's he?
A soldier, sir, he saith.
A soldier? Fetch me my armor, my sword quickly! A soldier 2340speak with me? Why, when, knaves?
[He is brought armor, and arms himself.] Come 2341on, come on, hold my cap there, so; give me my gorget, my sword. 2342[To Lorenzo Sr., Thorello, and Bianca] Stand by. I will end your matters anon. 2343[To the Servant] Let the soldier enter. [The Servant goes to the door.]
By Your Worship's favor --
[To Matheo] Nay, keep out, sir, I know not your pretense. 2348[To Bobadilla] You send me word, sir, you are a soldier. Why, sir, you 2349shall be answered here; here be them have been amongst soldiers. Sir, your pleasure.
Faith, sir, so it is: This gentleman and myself have been 2351most violently wronged by one Signor Giuliano, a gallant of the city here. And 2352for my own part, I protest, being a man in no sort given to 2353this filthy humor of quarreling, he hath assaulted me in the way of my 2354peace, despoiled me of mine honor, disarmed me of my weapons, and beaten me 2355in the open streets, when I not so much as once offered to resist him.
Oh, God's precious! Is this the soldier?
[To the Servant] Here, 2357take my armor quickly; 'twill make him swoon, I fear. He is not fit 2358to look on't that will put up a blow.
An't please Your Worship, he was bound to the peace.
Why, an he were, sir, his hands were not bound, were they?
There is one of the varlets of the city has brought two gentlemen here upon arrest, sir.
Bid him come in. Set by the picture.
5.3.452366Now, sir, what? Signor Giuliano? Is't you that are arrested at Signor Freshwater's suit here?
I'faith, Master Doctor, and here's another brought at my suit.
[To Stephano] What are you, sir?
A gentleman, sir. [Seeing Lorenzo Sr.] Oh, uncle!
Uncle? Who, Lorenzo?
Ay, sir.
God's my witness, uncle, I am wronged here monstrously! He chargeth 2373me with stealing of his cloak, and would I might never stir if I 2374did not find it in the street by chance.
Oh, did you find it, now? You said you bought it erewhile.
And you said I stole it. Nay, now my uncle is here I care not.
Well, let this breathe a while.
[To Bobadilla] You that have 2378cause to complain there, stand forth. Had you a warrant for this arrest?
Ay, an't please Your Worship.
Nay, do not speak in passion so. Where had you it?
Of your clerk, sir.
That's well, an my clerk can make warrants and my hand not at them! Where is the warrant? --Varlet, have you it?
No, sir, Your Worship's man bid me do it for these gentlemen, and he would be my discharge.
Why, Signor Giuliano, are you such a novice to be arrested and never see the warrant?
Why, sir, he did not arrest me.
No? How then?
Marry, sir, he came to me and said he must arrest me and he would use me kindly, and so forth.
Oh, God's pity, was it so, sir? He must arrest you?
2389[To a Servant] Give me my long-sword there. Help me off, so. -- Come 2390on, sir varlet. [Musco kneels as Doctor Clement flourishes over him with his long-sword.] 2391I must cut off your legs, sirrah. Nay, stand up; I'll use you kindly. 2392I must cut off your legs, I say.
Oh, good sir, I beseech you! Nay, good Master Doctor. Oh, good sir!
I must do it; there is no remedy. I must cut 2395off your legs, sirrah; I must cut off your ears, you rascal, I must 2396do it. I must cut off your nose; I must cut off your head.
Oh, for God sake, good Master Doctor!
Well, rise.
[Musco rises.] How dost thou now? Dost thou feel thyself well? Hast thou no harm?
No, I thank God, sir, and Your good Worship.
Why, so. I said I must cut off thy legs, and 2401I must cut off thy arms, and I must cut off thy head, but 2402I did not do it. So you said you must arrest this gentleman, but 2403you did not arrest him. You knave, you slave, you rogue! Do you say 2404you "must" arrest?
[To a Servant] Sirrah, away with him to the jail! [To 2405Musco] I'll teach you a trick for your "must."
Good Master Doctor, I beseech you, be good to me.
Marry o' God! Away with him, I say!
[Aside] Nay, 'sblood, before I go to prison, I'll put 2409on my old brazen face and disclaim in my vocation. I'll discover, that's flat. 2410An I be committed, it shall be for the committing of more villainies than 2411this. Hang me an I lose the least grain of my fame!
Why, when, knave? By God's marry, I'll clap thee by the heels, too.
[Servants seize Musco.]
Hold, hold, I pray you!
What's the matter?
[To the Servants] Stay there.
Faith, sir, afore I go to this house of bondage, I 2417have a case to unfold to Your Worship. Which, that it may appear the 2418more plain unto Your Worship's view, I do thus first of all uncase [Removing 2419his disguise] and appear in mine own proper nature: servant to this gentleman [Pointing 2420to Knowell Sr.] and known by the name of Musco.
Ha? Musco!
Oh, uncle, Musco has been with my cousin and I all this day.
Did not I tell you there was some device?
Nay, good Master Doctor, since I have laid myself thus open 2425to Your Worship, now stand strong for me till the progress of my tale 2426be ended. And then if my wit do not deserve your countenance, 'slight, throw 2427it on a dog and let me go hang myself.
Body of me, a merry knave! Give me a bowl of 2429sack.
[A Servant brings him drink.] Signor Lorenzo, I bespeak your patience in particular, 2430marry, your ears in general. [He offers a toast to Musco.] Here, knave, Doctor 2431Clement drinks to thee.
I pledge, Master Doctor, an 'twere a sea, to the bottom.
Fill his bowl for that, fill his bowl.
[Musco's cup is filled.] So, now speak freely.
[Drinking] Indeed, this is it will make a man speak freely. 2435But to the point: know then that I, Musco, being somewhat more trusted of 2436my master than reason required, and knowing his intent to Florence, did assume the habit of a poor soldier in wants. And, minding by some means to intercept 2438his journey in the midway, 'twixt the grange and the city I encountered him. 2439Where, begging of him in the most accomplished and true garb, as they term 2440it, contrary to all expectation he reclaimed me from that bad course of life, 2441entertained me into his service, employed me in his business, possessed me with his 2442secrets -- which I no sooner had received but, seeking my young master and 2443finding him at this gentleman's house [Pointing to Prospero], I revealed all most amply. 2444This done, by the device of Signor Prospero and him together I returned (as 2445the raven did to the ark) to mine old master again, told him he 2446should find his son, in what manner he knows, at one Cob's house -- 2447where indeed he never meant to come. Now my master, he, to maintain the 2448jest, went thither and left me with Your Worship's clerk, who, being of a 2449most fine, supple disposition (as most of your clerks are), proffers me the wine 2450which I had the grace to accept very easily, and to the tavern we 2451went. There, after much ceremony, I made him drunk in kindness, stripped him to 2452his shirt, and, leaving him in that cool vein, departed frolic, courtier-like, having obtained 2453a suit. Which suit fitting me exceedingly well, I put on, and, usurping your 2454man's phrase and action, carried a message to Signor Thorello in your name. Which 2455message was merely devised but to procure his absence while Signor Prospero might make a conveyance of Hesperida to my master.
Stay. Fill me the bowl again.
[His wine is replenished.] Here. 2457'Twere pity of his life would not cherish such a spirit! [To Musco] I 2458drink to thee. [They drink.] Fill him wine. [To Thorello] Why, now do you 2459perceive the trick of it?
Ay, I perceive well we were all abused.
Well, what remedy?
Where is Lorenzo and Prospero? Canst thou tell?
Ay, sir, they are at supper at the Mermaid, where I left your man.
[To a Servant] Sirrah, go warn them hither presently before me, 2465and, if the hour of your fellow's resurrection be come, bring him too.
Marry, sir, coming along the street, these two gentlemen [Pointing to 2469Bobadilla and Matheo] meet me, and, very strongly supposing me to be Your Worship's 2470scribe, entreated me to procure them a warrant for the arrest of Signor Giuliano. 2471I promised them upon some pair of silk stockings or a jewel or so 2472to do it, and to get a varlet of the city to serve it; 2473which varlet I appointed should meet them upon the Rialto at such an hour. 2474They no sooner gone but I, in a mere hope of more gain by 2475Signor Giuliano, went to one of Satan's old ingles, a broker, and there pawned 2476your man's livery for a varlet's suit, which, here with myself, I offer unto Your Worship's consideration.
Well, give me thy hand. Proh superi! Ingenium magnum quis 2478nosset Homerum, Ilias aeternum si latuisset opus ? I admire thee, I honor thee, 2479and, if thy master or any man here be angry with thee, I shall 2480suspect his wit while I know him for it. -- Do you hear, Signor 2481Thorello, Signor Lorenzo, and the rest of my good friends? I pray you, let 2482me have peace when they come. I have sent for the two gallants and 2483Hesperida. God's marry, I must have you friends.
[A noise is heard.] How now? What noise is there?
Sir, it is Peto is come home.
Peto? Bring him hither, bring him hither.
[Peto is brought forward.] 2487What, how now, Signor Drunkard, in arms against me, ha? Your reason, your reason 2488for this?
I beseech Your Worship to pardon me.
[To the Servant] Well, sirrah, tell him I do pardon him.
Truly, sir, I did happen into bad company by chance, and 2492they cast me in a sleep and stripped me of all my clothes.
Tut, this is not to the purpose. Touching your armor: what might your armor signify?
Marry, sir, it hung in the room where they stripped me, 2495and I borrowed it of one of the drawers now in the evening to 2496come home in, because I was loath to come through the street in my shirt.
[To the Servant] Well, disarm him. But it's no matter; let 2499him stand by. [Peto is led to one side.] Who be these? -- Oh, 2500young gallants, welcome, welcome, and you, lady. Nay, never scatter such amazed looks amongst 2501us. Qui nil potest sperare, desperet nihil.
Faith, Master Doctor, that's even I; my hopes are small and 2503my despair shall be as little. -- Brother, sister, brother: what, cloudy, cloudy? "And will no sunshine on these looks appear?" 2504Well, since there is such a tempest toward, I'll be the porpoise; I'll dance.
2505[To Hesperida] Wench, be of good cheer; thou hast a cloak for the rain 2506yet. Where is he? [To Lorenzo Jr.] 'Sheart, how now, the picture of the 2507Prodigal? Go to, I'll have the calf dressed for you at my charges.
Well, son Lorenzo, this day's work of yours hath much 2509deceived my hopes, troubled my peace, and stretched my patience further than became the 2510spirit of duty.
Nay, God's pity, Signor Lorenzo, you shall urge it no more. 2512Come, since you are here, I'll have the disposing of all. But first, Signor 2513Giuliano, at my request take your cloak again.
[Taking his cloak] Well, sir, I am content.
Stay, now let me see. Oh, Signor Snow-Liver, I had almost 2516forgotten him. And your Genius there, what, doth he suffer for a good conscience 2517too? Doth he bear his cross with patience?
Nay, they have scarce one cross between them both to bear.
Why, dost thou know him? What is he? What is he?
Marry, search his pockets, sir, and they'll show you he is an author, sir.
Dic mihi, Musa, virum. Are you an author, sir? Give 2522me leave a little. Come on, sir. I'll make verses with you now in honor of the gods and the goddesses for what you dare, extempore. And now I begin:
Oh, he writes not in that height of style.
No? We'll come a step or two lower, then:
Oh, too far-fetched for him still, Master Doctor.
Ay, say you so? Let's entreat a sight of his vein, then.
[To Matheo] Signor, Master Doctor desires to see a sight of your vein. Nay, you must not deny him.
What, all this verse? Body of me, he carries a whole 2542realm, a commonwealth of paper, in his hose! Let's see some of his subjects.
No, sir, I translated that out of a book called Delia.
Oh, but I would see some of your own, some of your own.
Sir, here's the beginning of a sonnet I made to my mistress.
That, that.
[He examines the dedication] Who? "To Madonna Hesperida." Is she your mistress?
It pleaseth him to call her so, sir.
[Reads] "In summertime, when Phoebus' golden rays" --
No, this is invention. He found it in a ballad.
Faith, sir, I had most of the conceit of it out of a ballad, indeed.
Conceit?
[To a Servant] Fetch me a couple of torches, sirrah, I may see the conceit. Quickly; it's very dark.
Call you this poetry?
Poetry? Nay, then call blasphemy religion,
Why, how now, son? What, are you startled now?
Opinion? Oh, God, let gross opinion
Ay, Lorenzo, but election is now governed altogether by the influence 2602of humor, which, instead of those holy flames that should direct and light the 2603soul to eternity, hurls forth nothing but smoke and congested vapors that stifle her 2604up and bereave her of all sight and motion. But she must have store 2605of hellebore given her to purge these gross obstructions. [To the Servants] Oh, that's 2606well said! Give me thy torch; come, lay this stuff together. So, give fire. 2607[They burn Matheo's verses.] There, see, see, how our poet's glory shines brighter and 2608brighter! Still, still it increaseth! Oh, now it's at the highest, and now it 2609declines as fast. You may see, gallants, Sic transit gloria mundi. [To Bobadilla 2610and Matheo] Well, now, my two Signor Outsides, stand forth and lend me your 2611large ears to a sentence, to a sentence. First, you, signor, shall this night 2612to the cage, and so shall you, sir. [To Matheo] From thence tomorrow morning, 2613you, signor, shall be carried to the market cross and be there bound; [To 2614Bobadilla] and so shall you, sir, in a large motley coat with a rod 2615at your girdle. [To Matheo] And you in an old suit of sackcloth and 2616the ashes of your papers -- save the ashes, sirrah -- shall mourn all 2617day; and at night both together sing some ballad of repentance very piteously, which 2618you shall make to the tune of "Who list to lead and a soldier's life." [To Peto] Sirrah billman, embrace you 2619this torch and light the gentlemen to their lodgings, and, because we tender their 2620safety, you shall watch them tonight; you are provided for the purpose. Away, and look to your charge with open eye, sirrah.
Well, I am armed in soul against the worst of fortune.
Faith, so should I be, an I had slept on it.
I am armed too, but I am not like to sleep on it.
[Aside] Oh, how this pleaseth me!
Now, Signor Thorello, Giuliano, Prospero, Bianca.
And not me, sir?
Yes, and you, sir. I had lost a sheep an he 2629had not bleated. I must have you all friends.
[To Prospero and Bianca] But 2630first, a word with you, young gallant, and you, lady.
Well, brother Prospero, by this good light that shines here, I 2632am loath to kindle fresh coals, but, an you had come in my walk 2633within these two hours, I had given you that you should not have clawn 2634off again in haste. By Jesus, I had done it; I am the arrant'st 2635rogue that ever breathed else! But now, beshrew my heart if I bear you 2636any malice in the earth.
Faith, I did it but to hold up a jest and 2638help my sister to a husband. But brother Thorello, and sister, you have a 2639spice of the yealous yet, both of you -- in your hose, I mean. 2640Come, do not dwell upon your anger so much. Let's all be smooth-foreheaded once again.
He plays upon my forehead, brother Giuliano. I pray you, tell 2642me one thing I shall ask you: is my forehead anything rougher than it 2643was wont to be?
Rougher? Your forehead is smooth enough, man.
[Aside] Why should he then say 'Be smooth-foreheaded'
[To Prospero] Brother, had he no haunt thither, in good faith?
No, upon my soul.
[To Thorello] Nay then, sweetheart, nay, I pray thee, be not 2652angry. Good faith, I'll never suspect thee any more. Nay, kiss me, sweet muss.
Tell me, Bianca, do not you play the woman with me?
What's that, sweetheart?
Dissemble.
Dissemble?
Nay, do not turn away. But say, i'faith, was it not 2658a match appointed 'twixt this old gentleman
[Pointing to Lorenzo Sr.] and you?
A match?
Nay, if it were not, I do not care. Do not 2661weep, I pray thee, sweet Bianca. Nay, so, now. By Jesus, I am not 2662jealous, but resolved I have the faithfull'st wife in Italy!
Why, that's well. Come, then, what say you? Are all agreed? Doth none stand out?
None but this gentleman
[Pointing to Lorenzo Sr.], to whom in 2673my own person I owe all duty and affection, but most seriously entreat pardon 2674for whatsoever hath passed in these occurrents that might be contrary to his most desired content.
Faith, sir, it is a virtue that pursues
Well, then, I conjure you all here to put off all 2681discontentment. First you, Signor Lorenzo, your cares;
[To Thorello and Bianca] you and you, 2682your jealousy; [To Giuliano] you, your anger; [To Prospero] and you, your wit, sir. 2683And for a peace-offering, here's one willing to be sacrificed upon this altar. Say, 2684do you approve my motion?
We do. I'll be mouth for all.
Why, then, I wish them all joy. And now, to make 2687our evening happiness more full, this night you shall be all my guests, where 2688we'll enjoy the very spirit of mirth and carouse to the health of this 2689heroic spirit [Indicating Musco], whom to honor the more I do invest in my 2690own robes, desiring you two, Giuliano and Prospero, to be his supporters; the train 2691to follow. Myself will lead, ushered by my page here, with this honorable verse: 2692Claudite iam rivos, pueri, sat prata biberunt.
[Exeunt in procession.]