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About this text

  • Title: The Merry Wives of Windsor (Modern, Folio)
  • Editor: Helen Ostovich
  • Markup editor: Maxwell Terpstra
  • Coordinating editor: Janelle Jenstad

  • Copyright Helen Ostovich. This text may be freely used for educational, non-profit purposes; for all other uses contact the Editor.
    Author: William Shakespeare
    Editor: Helen Ostovich
    Not Peer Reviewed

    The Merry Wives of Windsor (Modern, Folio)

    [3.3]
    Enter Mistress Ford [and] Mistress Page.
    Mistress Ford
    [Calling] What, John! What, Robert!
    1355Mistress Page
    Quickly, quickly! Is the buck-basket ---
    Mistress Ford
    I warrant. – What, Robin, I say!
    Mistress Page
    Come, come, come!
    Enter the Servants [with a large buck-basket].
    Mistress Ford
    Here, set it down.
    Mistress Page
    Give your men the charge, we must be briefe.
    1360Mistress Ford
    Marry, as I told you before, John and Robert, be ready here hard-by in the brew-house, and when I suddenly call you, come forth, and without any pause – or staggering – take this basket on your shoulders. That done, trudge with it in all haste, and carry it among the whit1365sters in Datchet Mead, and there empty it in the muddy ditch, close by the Thames side.
    Mistress Page
    [To the Servants] You will do it?
    Mistress Ford
    I ha' told them over and over. They lack no direction. -- Be gone, and come when you are called.
    [Exeunt Servants.]
    1370Mistress Page
    Here comes little Robin.
    Enter Robin.
    Mistress Ford
    How now, my eyas-musket, what news with you?
    Robin
    My master, Sir John, is come in at your back door, Mistress Ford, and requests your company.
    Mistress Page
    You litle Jack-a-Lent, have you been true to us?
    1375Robin
    Ay, I'll be sworn. My master knows not of your being here, and hath threatened to put me into everlasting liberty, if I tell you of it, for he swears he'll turn me away.
    Mistress Page
    Thou'rt a good boy. This secrecy of thine 1380shall be a tailor to thee, and shal make thee a new doublet and hose. I'll go hide me.
    Mistress Ford
    Do so. – [To Robin.] Go tell thy master I am alone. [Exit Robin.] -- Mistress Page, remember you your cue.
    Mistress Page
    I warrant thee, if I do not act it, hiss me.
    1385Mistress Ford
    Go to, then.
    [Exit Mistress Page.]
    We'll use this unwholesome humidity, this gross watery pumpkin; we'll teach him to know turtles from jays.
    Enter Falstaff.
    Falstaff
    Have I caught thee, my heavenly jewel? Why, now let me die, for I have lived long enough. This is the 1390period of my ambition. Oh, this blessed hour!
    Mistress Ford
    Oh, sweet Sir John!
    Falstaff
    Mistress Ford, I cannot cog, I cannot prate, Mistress Ford. Now shall I sin in my wish: I would thy husband were dead. I'll speak it before the best lord, I would 1395make thee my lady.
    Mistress Ford
    I, your lady, Sir John? Alas, I should be a pitiful lady.
    Falstaff
    Let the court of France show me such another. I see how thine eye would emulate the diamond. Thou 1400hast the right arched beauty of the brow that becomes the ship-tyre, the tire-valiant, or any tire of Venetian admittance.
    Mistress Ford
    A plain kerchief, Sir John. My brows become nothing else, nor that well neither.
    1405Falstaff
    Thou art a tyrant to say so. Thou wouldst make an absolute courtier, and the firm fixture of thy foot would give an excellent motion to thy gait in a semicircled farthingale. I see what thou wert if Fortune thy foe were not Nature thy friend. Come, thou canst not 1410hide it.
    Mistress Ford
    Believe me, there's no such thing in me.
    Falstaff
    What made me love thee? Let that persuade thee. There's something extraordinary in thee. Come, I cannot cog, and say thou art this and that, like a-many 1415of these lisping hawthorn-buds that come like women in men's apparrel and smell like Bucklersbury in sim ple time. I cannot, but I love thee, none but thee, and thou deserv'st it.
    Mistress Ford
    Do not betray me, sir. I fear you love Mistress Page.
    1420Falstaff
    Thou mightst as well say I love to walk by the Counter gate, which is as hateful to me as the reek of a lime-kiln.
    Mistress Ford
    Well, heaven knows how I love you, And you shall one day find it.
    1425Falstaff
    Keep in that mind. I'll deserve it.
    Mistress Ford
    Nay, I must tell you, so you do, Or else I could not be in that mind.
    [Enter Robin.]
    Robin
    Mistress Ford, Mistress Ford! Here's Mistress Page at the door, sweating, and blowing, and looking wildly, 1430and would needs speak with you presently.
    Falstaff
    She shall not see me. I will ensconce me behind the arras.
    Mistress Ford
    Pray you, do so. She's a very tattling woman.
    [Falstaff hides behind the arras.]
    [Enter Mistress Page.]
    What's the matter? How now?
    1435Mistress Page
    Oh, Mistress Ford, what have you done? You're shamed, you're overthrown, you're undone forever!
    Mistress Ford
    What's the matter, good Mistress Page?
    Mistress Page
    Oh, well-a-day, Mistress Ford, having an honest man to your husband, to give him such cause of suspicion!
    1440Mistress Ford
    What cause of suspicion?
    Mistress Page
    What cause of suspicion? Out upon you! How am I mistook in you!
    Mistress Ford
    Why, alas, what's the matter?
    Mistress Page
    Your husband's coming hither, woman, 1445with all the officers in Windsor, to search for a gentleman that he says is here now in the house; by your consent to take an ill advantage of his absence. You are undone!
    Mistress Ford
    'Tis not so, I hope.
    1450Mistress Page
    Pray heaven it be not so, that you have such a man here. But 'tis most certain your husband's coming with half Windsor at his heels to search for such a one. I come before to tell you. If you know yourself clear, why I am glad of it. But if you have a friend here, 1455convey, convey him out. Be not amazed, call all your senses to you, defend your reputation, or bid farewell to your good life forever.
    Mistress Ford
    What shall I do? There is a gentleman, my dear friend, and I fear not mine own shame so much 1460as his peril. I had rather than a thousand pound he were out of the house!
    Mistress Page
    For shame, never stand "you had rather," and "you had rather." Your husband's here at hand. Bethink you of some conveyance! In the house you cannot hide 1465him. – Oh, how have you deceived me! – Look, here is a basket. If he be of any reasonable stature, he may creep in here, and throw foul linen upon him, as if it were going to bucking. Or it is whiting time: send him by your two men to Datchet Mead.
    1470Mistress Ford
    He's too big to go in there. What shall I do?
    [Enter Falstaff in a panic.]
    Falstaff
    Let me see't, let me see't, oh, let me see't! I'll in, I'll in! [Aside to Mistress Ford] Follow your friend's counsel – I'll in!
    Mistress Page
    What, Sir John Falstaff? [Aside to him] Are these your letters, knight?
    1475Falstaff
    [Aside to Mistress Page] I love thee! Help me away Let me creep in here. I'll never –
    [He leaps into the basket and tries to hide in the linens.]
    Mistress Page
    [To Robin] Help to cover your master, boy. – Call your men, Mistress Ford. – [Aside to Fastaff] You dissembling knight!
    Mistress Ford
    What, John! Robert! John!
    [Enter the Servants.]
    Go, take up these 1480clothes here, quickly. Where's the cowl-staff? [The servants attach the staff and try to lift the basket.] Look how you drumble! Carry them to the laundress in Datchet Mead. Quickly, come!
    Enter Ford, Page, Caius, [and] Evans.
    Ford
    'Pray you come near. If I suspect without cause, Why, then make sport at me, then let me be your jest. 1485I deserve it. -- [To Servants] How now? Whither bear you this?
    Ser.
    To the Landresse forsooth?
    Mistress Ford
    Why, what have you to do whither they bear it? You were best meddle with buck-washing!
    Ford
    Buck? I would I could wash myself of the buck! 1490Buck, buck, buck! Ay, buck! I warrant you, buck – And of the season too, it shall appear. Gentlemen, I have dreamed tonight. I'll tell you my dream. Here, here, here be my keys! Ascend my chambers, search, seek, find out! I'll warrant we'll 1495unkennel the fox. Let me stop this way first. [Locking the door] So, now uncape.
    Page
    Good Master Ford, be contented. You wrong yourself too much.
    Ford
    True, Master Page. – Up, gentlemen, 1500You shall see sport anon. Follow me, gentlemen.
    [Exit Ford.]
    Evans
    This is fery fantastical humors and jealousies.
    Caius
    By gar, 'tis no' the fashion of France. It is not jealous in France.
    1505Page
    Nay, follow him, gentlemen, see the issue of his search.
    [Exeunt Page, Caius, and Evans.]
    Mistress Page
    Is there not a double excellency in this?
    Mistress Ford
    I know not which pleases me better: that my husband is deceived, or Sir John.
    1510Mistress Page
    What a taking was he in, when your husband asked who was in the basket!
    Mistress Ford
    I am half afraid he will have need of washing; so, throwing him into the water will do him a benefit.
    1515Mistress Page
    Hang him, dishonest rascal! I would all of the same strain were in the same distress.
    Mistress Ford
    I think my husband hath some special suspicion of Falstaff's being here, for I never saw him so gross in his jealousy till now.
    1520Mistress Page
    I will lay a plot to try that, and we will yet have more tricks with Falstaff. His dissolute disease will scarce obey this medicine.
    Mistress Ford
    Shall we send that foolish carrion, Mistress Quickly, to him and excuse his throwing into the water, 1525and give him another hope – to betray him to another punishment?
    Mistress Page
    We will do it. Let him be sent for tomorrow eight o'clock to have amends.
    [Enter Ford, followed by Evans, Caius, and Page.]
    Ford
    I cannot find him. Maybe the knave bragged 1530of that he could not compass.
    Mistress Page
    [Aside to Mistress Ford] Heard you that?
    Mistress Ford
    You use me well, Master Ford, do you?
    Ford
    Ay, I do so.
    Mistress Ford
    Heaven make you better than your thoughts.
    1535Ford
    Amen.
    Mistress Page
    You do yourself mighty wrong, Master Ford.
    Ford
    Ay, ay. I must bear it.
    Evans
    If there be anypody in the house, and in the chambers, and in the coffers, and in the presses, heaven for1540give my sins at the day of judgment.
    Caius
    Begar, nor I too. There is nobodies.
    Page
    Fie, fie, Master Ford, are you not ashamed? What spirit, what devil suggests this imagination? I would not ha' your distemper in this kind for the wealth of Windsor Castle.
    1545Ford
    'Tis my fault, Master Page. I suffer for it.
    Evans
    You suffer for a pad conscience. Your wife is as honest a 'omans as I will desires among five thousand, and five hundred too.
    Caius
    Begar, I see 'tis an honest woman.
    1550Ford
    Well, I promised you a dinner. Come, come, walk in the Park. [To Mistress Ford?] I pray you pardon me. [To Page, Caius, and Evans?] I will hereafter make known to you why I have done this. [To Mistress Ford and Mistress Page] Come, wife, come, Mistress Page, I pray you pardon me. Pray heartily pardon me.
    Page
    [To Caius, and Evans] Let's go in, gentlemen, but, trust me, we'll mock 1555him. [Including Ford] I do invite you tomorrow morning to my house to breakfast. After, we'll a-birding together. I have a fine hawk for the bush. Shall it be so?
    Ford
    Anything.
    Evans
    If there is one, I shall make two in the company.
    1560Caius
    If there be one, or two, I shall make-a the turd.
    Ford
    Pray you go, Mistress Page –
    Exeunt [first Mistress Page and Mistress Ford, followed by Page and Ford.]
    Evans
    I pray you now, remembrance tomorrow on the lousy knave mine host
    Caius
    Dat is good, begar – with all my heart.
    Exit.
    1565Evans
    A lousy knave, to have his gibes and his mockeries!
    Exit.