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  • Title: The Merry Wives of Windsor (Modern, Folio)
  • Editor: Helen Ostovich
  • Markup editor: Maxwell Terpstra
  • Coordinating editor: Janelle Jenstad

    • Copyright Helen Ostovich. This text may be freely used for educational, non-profit purposes; for all other uses contact the Editor.
    Author: William Shakespeare
    Editor: Helen Ostovich
    Not Peer Reviewed

    The Merry Wives of Windsor (Modern, Folio)

    [1.3]
    300Enter Falstaff, Host, Bardolph, Nym, Pistol, [and the] Page.
    Falstaff
    Mine host of the Garter!
    Host
    What says my bully rook? Speak scholarly and wisely.
    Falstaff
    Truly, mine host, I must turn away some of my 305followers.
    Host
    Discard, bully Hercules, cashier. Let them wag -- trot, trot!
    Falstaff
    I sit at ten pounds a week.
    Host
    Thou'rt an emperor: Caesar, kaiser,and vizier! 310I will entertain Bardolph. He shall draw; he shall tap. Said I well, bully Hector?
    Falstaff
    Do so, good mine host.
    Host
    I have spoke; let him follow. -- Let me see thee froth, and live. I am at a word. Follow.
    [Exit Host.]
    315Falstaff
    Bardolph, follow him. A tapster is a good trade. an old cloak makes a new jerkin; a withered servingman, a fresh} tapster. Go, adiEvans
    Bardolph
    It is a life that I have desired. I will thrive.
    [Exit Bardolph.]
    Pistol
    Oh, base Hungarian wight! Wilt thou the spigot wield?
    320Nym
    He was gotten in drink. Is not the humor conceited?
    Falstaff
    I am glad I am so acquit of this tinderbox. His thefts were too open. His filching was like an unskilful singer: he kept not time.
    Nym
    The good humor is to steal at a minute's rest.
    325Pistol
    "Convey" the wise it call. "Steal"?
    Foh, a fico for the phrase.
    Falstaff
    Well, sirs, I am almost out at heels.
    Pistol
    Why then let kibes ensue.
    Falstaff
    There is no remedy. I must coney-catch. I must shift.
    330Pistol
    Young ravens must have food.
    Falstaff
    Which of you know Ford of this town?
    Pistol
    I ken the wight. He is of substance good.
    Falstaff
    My honest lads, I will tell you what I am about.
    Pistol
    Two yards and more.
    335Falstaff
    No quips now, Pistol: Indeed I am in the waist two yards about, but I am now about no waste. I am about thrift. Briefly, I do mean to make love to Ford's wife. I spy entertainment in her. She discourses, she carves, she gives the leer of invitation. I can construe 340the action of her familiar style; and the hardest voice of her behavior -- to be Englished rightly -- is "I am Sir John Falstafs's."
    Pistol
    He hath studied her will, and translated her will
    Out of honesty into English.
    Nym
    The anchor is deep. Will that humor pass?
    345Falstaff
    Now, the report goes, she has all the rule of her husband's purse. He hath a legend of angels.
    Pistol
    As many devils entertain, and "To her, boy!" say I.
    Nym
    The humor rises; it is good. Humor me the angels!
    Falstaff
    I have writ me here a letter to her, and here ano350ther to Page's wife, who even now gave me good eyes too; examined my parts with most judicious oeillades: sometimes the beam of her view gilded my foot, sometimes my portly belly.
    Pistol
    Then did the sun on dunghill shine.
    355Nym
    I thank thee for that humor.
    Falstaff
    Oh, she did so course o'er my exteriors with such a greedy intention that the appetite of her eye, did seem to scorch me up like a burning-glass. Here's another letter to her. She bears the purse too. She is a region 360in Guiana, all gold, and bounty. I will be cheaters to them both, and they shall be exchequers to me. They shall be my East and West Indies, and I will trade to them both: [To Nym] Go, bear thou this letter to Mistress Page, [To Pistol] and thou this to Mistress Ford. We will thrive, lads, we 365will thrive!
    Pistol
    Shall I Sir Pandarus of Troy become,
    And by my side wear steel? Then Lucifer take all!
    [He returns the letter.]
    Nym
    I will run no base humor. Here take the humor-letter. I will keep the 'havior of reputation.
    [He also returns the letter.]
    370Falstaff
    [To his Page.] Hold, sirrah, bear you these letters tightly;
    Sail like my pinnace to these golden shores.
    -- Rogues, hence, avaunt, vanish like hailstones, go!
    Trudge, plod away i'th' hoof, seek shelter, pack!
    Falstaff will learn the honor of the age,
    375French thrift – you rogues! -- myself and skirted page.
    [Exeunt Falstaff and his Page.]
    Pistol
    Let vultures gripe thy guts! For gourd andfulham holds,
    And high and low beguiles the rich and poor.
    Tester I'll have in pouch when thou shalt lack,
    Base Phrygian Turk!
    380Nym
    I have operations which be humors of revenge.
    Pistol
    Wilt thou revenge?
    Nym
    By welkin and her star!
    Pistol
    With wit, or steel?
    385Nym
    With both the humors, I. I will discuss the humor of this love to Ford.
    Pistol
    And I to Page shall eke unfold
    How Falstaff, varlet vile,
    His dove will prove, his gold will hold,
    390And his soft couch defile.
    Nym
    My humor shall not cool. I will incense Ford to deal with poison. I will possess him with yellowness, for the revolt of mine is dangerous. That is my true humor.
    395Pistol
    Thou art the Mars of malcontents.
    I second thee. Troop on!
    Exeunt.
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