6Sir Hugh, persuade me not. I will make a Star 7Chamber matter of it. If he were twenty Sir 8John Falstaffs, he shall not abuse Robert Shallow, 9esquire.

In the county of Gloucester, justice of peace and coram.

Ay, Cousin Slender, and custalorum.

Ay, and ratolorum too; and a gentleman born, 13master parson, who writes himself armigero in any 14bill, warrant, quittance, or obligation – armigero!

Ay, that I do, and have done any time these three 16hundred years.

All his successors gone before him hath done't, 18and all his ancestors that come after him may. They 19may give the dozen white luces in their coat.

It is an old coat.

The dozen white louses do become an old 22coat well. It agrees well passant. It is a familiar beast to 23man, and signifies love.

The luce is the fresh fish; the salt fish is an old 25coat.

I may quarter, coz.

You may, by marrying.

It is marring indeed, if he quarter it.

Not a whit.

Yes, py'r lady, if he has a quarter of your coat, 31there is but three skirts for yourself, in my simple con32jectures, but that is all one. If Sir John Falstaff have 33committed disparagements unto you, I am of the church 34and will be glad to do my benevolence to make atone35ments and compromises between you.

The council shall hear it: it is a riot.

It is not meet the council hear a riot. There 38is no fear of Got in a riot. The council, look you, 39shall desire to hear the fear of Got and not to hear a 40riot. Take your 'visaments in that.

Ha, o'my life, if I were young again, the sword 42should end it!

It is petter that friends is the sword and end 44it, and there is also another device in my prain, which 45peradventure prings goot discretions with it. There is 46Anne Page, which is daughter to Master Thomas Page, 47which is pretty virginity.

Mistress Anne Page -- she has brown hair and 49speaks small like a woman?

It is that fery person for all the 'orld, as just as 51you will desire, and seven hundred pounds of moneys, 52and gold, and silver is her grandsire upon his death's 53 bed (Got deliver to a joyful resurrections) give, when 54she is able to overtake seventeen years old. It were a 55goot motion, if we leave our pribbles and prabbles, and 56desire a marriage between Master Abraham and Mistress 57Anne Page.

Did her grandsire leave her seven hundred 59pound?

Ay, and her father is make her a petter penny.

I know the young gentlewoman. She has good 62gifts.

Seven hundred pounds and possibilities is 64goot gifts.

Well, let us see honest Master Page. -- Is Falstaff there?

Shall I tell you a lie? I do despise a liar, as I 67do despise one that is false, or as I despise one that is not 68true: the knight Sir John is there, and I beseech you be 69ruled by your well-willers. I will peat the door for Master 70Page. [He knocks and calls out.]

What ho! Got pless your house here!

Who's there?

Here is Got's plessing and your friend, and Ju73stice Shallow, and here young Master Slender, that perad74ventures shall tell you another tale, if matters grow to 75your likings.

I am glad to see your worships well. I 77thank you for my venison, Master Shallow.

Master Page, I am glad to see you. Much good 79do it your good heart! I wished your venison better; it 80was ill killed -- How doth good Mistress Page? -- and I thank 81you always with my heart, la, with my heart.

Sir, I thank you.

Sir, I thank you, by yea and no I do.

I am glad to see you, good Master Slender.

How does your fallow greyhound, sir? I heard 86say he was outrun on Cotsall.

It could not be judged, sir.

You'll not confess, you'll not confess!

That he will not. 'Tis your fault, 'tis your fault! 90'Tis a good dog.

A cur, sir.

Sir, he's a good dog and a fair dog. Can there 93be more said? He is good and fair. -- Is Sir John Falstaff 94here?

Sir, he is within, and I would I could do a 96good office between you.

It is spoke as a Christians ought to speak.

He hath wronged me, Master Page.

Sir, he doth in some sort confess it.

If it be confessed, it is not redressed. Is not that 101so, Master Page? He hath wronged me, indeed he hath, at a 102word he hath. Believe me, Robert Shallow, esquire, saith 103he is wronged.

Here comes Sir John.

Now, Master Shallow, you'll complain of me to 106the king?

Knight, you have beaten my men, killed my 108deer, and broke open my lodge.

But not kissed your keeper's daughter?

Tut, a pin! This shall be answered.

I will answer it straight: I have done all this. 112That is now answered.

The council shall know this.

'Twere better for you if it were known in coun115sel. You'll be laughed at.

Pauca verba, Sir John, good worts.

"Good worts"? Good cabbage! -- Slender, I broke 118your head. What matter have you against me?

Marry, sir, I have matter in my head against you, 120and against your coney-catching rascals, Bardolph, Nym, 121and Pistol.

You Banbury cheese!

Ay, it is no matter.

How now, Mephostophilus?

Ay, it is no matter.

Slice, I say, pauca, pauca. Slice, that's my humor.

Where's Simple, my man? Can you tell, cousin?

Peace, I pray you! Now let us understand. There 129is three umpires in this matter, as I understand; that is, 130Master Page (fidelicet Master Page), and there is myself 131(fidelicet myself), and the three party is (lastly and fi132nally) mine host of the Garter.

We three to hear it and end it between them.

Fery goot, I will make a prief of it in my 135notebook, and we will afterwards 'ork upon the cause 136with as great discreetly as we can.

Pistol.

He hears with ears.

The tevil and his tam! What phrase is this? 140"He hears with ear"? Why, it is affectations!

Pistol, did you pick Master Slender's purse?

Ay, by these gloves, did he, or I would I might 143never come in mine own great chamber again else, of 144seven groats in mill-sixpences, and two Edward sho145vel-boards, that cost me two shilling and twopence a 146piece of Yed Miller, by these gloves.

Is this true, Pistol?

No, it is false, if it is a pickpurse.

Ha, thou mountain-foreigner! – Sir John and 150master mine,

I combat challenge of this latten bilbo. 151[To Slender] Word of denial in thy labras here,

Word of denial! Froth 152and scum, thou liest!

[Pointing to Nym] By these gloves, then 'twas he.

Be advised, sir, and pass good humors. I will 155say "marry trap" with you, if you run the nuthooks hu156mor on me; that is the very note of it.

By this hat, then he in the red face had it, for 158though I cannot remember what I did when you made 159me drunk, yet I am not altogether an ass.

What say you, Scarlet and John?

Why, sir, for my part, I say the gentleman had 162drunk himself out of his five sentences.

It is "his five senses" -- fie, what the ignorance is!

And being fap, sir, was, as they say, cashiered, and 165so conclusions passed the careers.

Ay, you spake in Latin then too, but 'tis no mat167ter. I'll ne'er be drunk whilst I live again, but in honest, 168civil, godly company, for this trick! If I be drunk, I'll 169be drunk with those that have the fear of God and not 170with drunken knaves.

So Got 'udge me, that is a virtuous mind.

You hear all these matters denied, gentlemen, 173you hear it.

Nay, daughter, carry the wine in, we'll 175drink within.

Oh, heaven! This is Mistress Anne Page.

How now, Mistress Ford?

Mistress Ford, by my troth you are very well met. 179By your leave, good mistress.

Wife, bid these gentlemen welcome. -- Come, 181we have a hot venison pasty to dinner. Come, gentle182men, I hope we shall drink down all unkindness.

I had rather than forty shillings I had my book 184of Songs and Sonnets here.

How now, Simple, where 185have you been? I must wait on myself, must I? You 186have not the book of riddles about you, have you?

Book of riddles? Why, did you not lend it to 188Alice Shortcake upon Allhallowmas last, a fortnight a189fore Michaelmas?

Come, coz, come, coz, we stay for you. A word 191with you, coz. Marry, this, coz: there is as 'twere a ten192der, a kind of tender, made afar off by Sir Hugh here. 193Do you understand me?

Ay, sir, you shall find me reasonable; if it be so, 195I shall do that that is reason.

Nay, but understand me.

So I do, sir.

Give ear to his motions. Master Slender, I will 199description the matter to you, if you be capacity of it.

Nay, I will do as my Cousin Shallow says. I 201pray you pardon me; he's a justice of peace in his coun202try, simple though I stand here.

But that is not the question. The question is 204concerning your marriage.

Ay, there's the point, sir.

Marry, is it, the very point of it, to Mistress Anne Page.

Why, if it be so, I will marry her upon any rea208sonable demands.

But can you affection the 'oman? Let us command 210to know that of your mouth, or of your lips, for divers 211philosophers hold that the lips is parcel of the mouth. 212Therefore, precisely, can you carry your good will to the maid?

Cousin Abraham Slender, can you love her?

I hope, sir, I will do as it shall become one that 215would do reason.

Nay, Got's lords and his ladies, you must speak 217possitable, if you can carry her your desires towards her.

That you must. 219Will you, upon good dowry, marry her?

I will do a greater thing than that, upon your 221request, cousin, in any reason.

Nay conceive me, conceive me, sweet coz. 223What I do is to pleasure you, coz. Can you love the 224maid?

I will marry her, sir, at your request, but if 226there be no great love in the beginning, yet heaven 227may decrease it upon better acquaintance, when we 228are married and have more occasion to know one ano229ther. I hope upon familiarity will grow more content, 230but if you say marry her, I will marry her. That I am freely 231dissolved, and dissolutely.

It is a fery discretion answer, save the faul' is in 233the 'ord "dissolutely"; the 'ord is, according to our mea234ning, "resolutely". -- His meaning is good.

Ay, I think my cousin meant well.

Ay, or else I would I might be hanged, la!

Here comes fair Mistress Anne. -- Would I were 238young for your sake, Mistress Anne.

The dinner is on the table. My father desires 240your worships' company.

I will wait on him, fair Mistress Anne.

'Od's plessed will, I will not be absence at the grace.

Will't please your worship to come in, sir?

No, I thank you, forsooth, heartily. I am very well.

The dinner attends you, sir.

I am not a-hungry, I thank you, forsooth. -- [To Simple] Go, 247sirrah, for all you are my man, go wait upon my Cousin 248Shallow.

[To Anne] A justice of peace sometime may be beholding 249 to his friend for a man. I keep but three men and a 250boy yet, till my mother be dead. But what though? Yet 251I live like a poor gentleman born.

I may not go in without your worship. They 253will not sit till you come.

I'faith, I'll eat nothing. I thank you as much as 255though I did.

I pray you, sir. walk in.

I had rather walk here, I thank you. I bruised 258my shin th'other day with playing at sword and dag259ger with a master of fence -- three venies for a dish of 260stewed prunes – and, by my troth, I cannot abide the smell 261of hot meat since. Why do your dogs bark so? Be 262there bears i'th' town?

I think there are, sir. I heard them talked of.

I love the sport well, but I shall as soon quarrel 265at it as any man in England. You are afraid if you see the 266bear loose, are you not?

Ay, indeed, sir.

That's meat and drink to me now. I have seen 269Sackerson loose twenty times, and have taken him by the 270chain, but, I warrant you, the women have so cried 271and shrieked at it that it passed. But women, indeed, cannot 272abide 'em; they are very ill-favored rough things.

Come, gentle Master Slender, come. We stay for you.

I'll eat nothing, I thank you, sir.

By cock and pie, you shall not choose, sir. 276Come, come.

Nay, pray you lead the way.

Come on, sir.

Mistress Anne, yourself shall go first.

Not I, sir. Pray you keep on.

Truly I will not go first, truly, la! I will not 282do you that wrong.

I pray you, sir.

I'll rather be unmannerly than troublesome. You 285do yourself wrong, indeed, la!

Go your ways, and ask of Doctor Caius' house 289which is the way. And there dwells one Mistress Quickly, 290which is in the manner of his nurse, or his dry-nurse, or 291his cook, or his laundry, his washer, and his wringer.

Well, sir.

Nay, it is petter yet! Give her this letter, for it is 294a 'oman that altogethers acquaintance with Mistress Anne 295Page, and the letter is to desire and require her to soli296cit your master's desires to Mistress Anne Page. I pray 297you. begone. I will make an end of my dinner. There's pip298pins and cheese to come. Exeunt.

Mine host of the Garter!

What says my bully rook? Speak scholarly 303and wisely.

Truly, mine host, I must turn away some of my 305followers.

Discard, bully Hercules, cashier. Let them wag -- 307trot, trot!

I sit at ten pounds a week.

Thou'rt an emperor: Caesar, kaiser,and vizier! 310I will entertain Bardolph. He shall draw; he shall tap. Said 311I well, bully Hector?

Do so, good mine host.

I have spoke; let him follow. -- Let me see thee froth, 314and live. I am at a word. Follow.

Bardolph, follow him. A tapster is a good trade. 316an old cloak makes a new jerkin; a withered serving317man, a fresh} tapster. Go, adiEvans

It is a life that I have desired. I will thrive.

Oh, base Hungarian wight! Wilt thou the spigot wield?

He was gotten in drink. Is not the humor conceited?

I am glad I am so acquit of this tinderbox. His 322thefts were too open. His filching was like an unskilful 323singer: he kept not time.

The good humor is to steal at a minute's rest.

"Convey" the wise it call. "Steal"?

Foh, a fico for 326the phrase.

Well, sirs, I am almost out at heels.

Why then let kibes ensue.

There is no remedy. I must coney-catch. I must shift.

Young ravens must have food.

Which of you know Ford of this town?

I ken the wight. He is of substance good.

My honest lads, I will tell you what I am about.

Two yards and more.

No quips now, Pistol: Indeed I am in the waist 336two yards about, but I am now about no waste. I am a337bout thrift. Briefly, I do mean to make love to Ford's 338wife. I spy entertainment in her. She discourses, she 339carves, she gives the leer of invitation. I can construe 340the action of her familiar style; and the hardest voice of her 341behavior -- to be Englished rightly -- is "I am Sir John Falstafs's."

He hath studied her will, and translated her will

343Out of honesty into English.

The anchor is deep. Will that humor pass?

Now, the report goes, she has all the rule of her 346husband's purse. He hath a legend of angels.

As many devils entertain, and "To her, boy!" say I.

The humor rises; it is good. Humor me the angels!

I have writ me here a letter to her, and here ano350ther to Page's wife, who even now gave me good eyes 351too; examined my parts with most judicious oeillades: some352times the beam of her view gilded my foot, some353times my portly belly.

Then did the sun on dunghill shine.

I thank thee for that humor.

Oh, she did so course o'er my exteriors with such 357a greedy intention that the appetite of her eye, did seem 358to scorch me up like a burning-glass. Here's another 359letter to her. She bears the purse too. She is a region 360in Guiana, all gold, and bounty. I will be cheaters to 361them both, and they shall be exchequers to me. They 362shall be my East and West Indies, and I will trade to 363them both: [To Nym] Go, bear thou this letter to Mistress Page, 364[To Pistol] and thou this to Mistress Ford. We will thrive, lads, we 365will thrive!

Shall I Sir Pandarus of Troy become,

367And by my side wear steel? Then Lucifer take all!

I will run no base humor. Here take the humor-letter. 369I will keep the 'havior of reputation.

[To his Page.] Hold, sirrah, bear you these letters tightly;

371Sail like my pinnace to these golden shores.

372-- Rogues, hence, avaunt, vanish like hailstones, go!

373Trudge, plod away i'th' hoof, seek shelter, pack!

374Falstaff will learn the honor of the age,

375French thrift – you rogues! -- myself and skirted page.

Let vultures gripe thy guts! For gourd and377fulham holds,

And high and low beguiles the rich and poor.

378Tester I'll have in pouch when thou shalt lack,

379Base Phrygian Turk!

I have operations 381which be humors of revenge.

Wilt thou revenge?

By welkin and her star!

With wit, or steel?

With both the humors, I. 386I will discuss the humor of this love to Ford.

And I to Page shall eke unfold

388How Falstaff, varlet vile,

389His dove will prove, his gold will hold,

390And his soft couch defile.

My humor shall not cool. I will incense Ford 392to deal with poison. I will possess him with yellow393ness, for the revolt of mine is dangerous. That is my 394true humor.

Thou art the Mars of malcontents.

I second 396thee. Troop on!

What, John Rugby!

I pray thee go to the case401ment and see if you can see my master, Master Doctor 402Caius, coming. If he do, i'faith, and find anybody 403in the house, here will be an old abusing of God's pati404ence and the king's English.

I'll go watch.

Go, and we'll have a posset for't soon at night, 407in faith, at the latter end of a sea-coal fire.

An honest, 408willing, kind fellow as ever servant shall come in house 409withal; and, I warrant you, no tell-tale, nor no breed-410bate. His worst fault is that he is given to prayer; he is 411something peevish that way. But nobody but has his 412fault. But let that pass. Peter Simple, you say your 413name is?

Ay, for fault of a better.

And Master Slender's your master?

Ay, forsooth.

Does he not wear a great round beard, like a 418glover's paring-knife?

No, forsooth. He hath but a little wee face with 420a little yellow beard, a cane-coloured beard.

A softly-sprighted man, is he not?

Ay, forsooth, but he is as tall a man of his hands as 423any is between this and his head. He hath fought with 424a warrener.

How say you? Oh, I should remember him. Does 426he not hold up his head, as it were, and strut in his gait?

Yes, indeed, does he!

Well, heaven send Anne Page no worse fortune. 429Tell Master Parson Evans I will do what I can for your 430master. Anne is a good girl, and I wish ---

Out, alas! Here comes my master.

We shall all be shent! Run in here, good young 433man, go into this closet. He will not stay long. – What, 434John Rugby? John! What, John, I say!

Go, John, go in435quire for my master. I doubt he be not well, that he 436comes not home. [Singing]

Vat is you sing? I do not like dese toys. Pray 438you go and vetch me in my closet une boȋte verte : 439a box, a green-a box: tu entends vat I speak? A green-440a box.

Ay, forsooth, I'll fetch it you. [Aside]

442I am glad he went not in himself. If he had found the 443young man, he would have been horn-mad.

Fi, fi, fi, fi! Ma foi, il fait fort [lourdaud or élourdi]! Je m'en vais à la 445cour – la grande affaire.

[Showing a box] Is it this, sir?

Oui, mets-la à ma pochette, dépêche, quickly! 448Vere is dat knave Rugby?

[Calling] What, John Rugby! John?

Here, sir.

You are John Rugby, and you are Jack Rugby! 452Come, take-a your rapier, and come after my heel to 453the court.

'Tis ready, sir, here in the porch.

By my trot! I tarry too long, 'od's-me, qu'ai-je 456oublié? Dere is some simples in my closet dat I vill not 457for the varld I shall leave behind.

[Aside] Ay me, he'll find the young man there, and be mad.

Oh, diable, diable, vat is in my closet?

460Vilenie, larron! Rugby, my rapier.

Good master, be content.

Wherefore shall I be content-a?

The young man is an honest man.

What shall de honest man do in my closet? Dere 465is no honest man dat shall come in my closet.

I beseech you be not so phlegmatic! Hear the 467truth of it. He came of an errand to me from Parson 468Hugh.

Vell.

Ay, forsooth, to desire her to –

[To Simple] Peace, I pray you.

[To Quickly] Peace-a your tongue! [To Simple] Speak-a your tale.

To desire this honest gentlewoman, your maid, 474to speak a good word to Mistress Anne Page for my ma475 ster in the way of marriage.

This is all, indeed-la! But I'll ne'er put my finger 477in the fire, an't need not.

Sir Hugh send-a you? – Rugby, baille me some 479paper. [To Simple] Tarry you a little-a while.

I am glad he is so quiet. If he had been through481ly moved, you should have heard him so loud, and so me482lancholy, but notwithstanding, man, I'll do you your 483master what good I can, and the very yea and the no is, the 484French Doctor, my master – I may call him my master, 485look you, for I keep his house, and I wash, ring, brew, 486bake, scour, dress meat and drink, make the beds, and 487do all myself –

'Tis a great charge to come under one body's 489hand.

Are you avised o'that? You shall find it a great 491charge – and to be up early and down late, but notwith492standing, to tell you in your ear, I would have no words 493of it – my master himself is in love with Mistress Anne 494Page – but, notwithstanding that, I know Anne's mind. That's 495neither here nor there.

[To Simple] You, jack'nape', give-a this letter to Sir 497Hugh. By gar, it is a shallenge. I will cut his troat in de 498Park, and I will teach a scurvy jackanape' priest to 499meddle or make – you may be gone. It is not good 500you tarry here. By gar I will cut all his two stones! By 501gar, he shall not have a stone to throw at his dog!

Alas: he speaks but for his friend.

It is no matter-a ver dat. Do not you tell-a me 504dat I shall have Anne Page for myself? By gar, I vill 505kill de jack-priest, and I have appointed mine host of 506de Jarteer to measure our weapon. By gar, I will myself 507have Anne Page.

Sir, the maid loves you, and all shall be well. 509We must give folks leave to prate. What the goodyear!

Rugby, come to the court with me. – [To Quickly] By gar, if 511I have not Anne Page, I shall turn your head out of my 512door. – Follow my heels, Rugby.

You shall have An – fool's head of your own. 514No, I know Anne's mind for that. Never a woman in Wind515sor knows more of Anne's mind than I do, nor can do 516more than I do with her, I thank heaven.

Who's within there, ho?

Who's there, I trow? Come near the house, I 519pray you.

How now, good woman, how dost thou?

The better that it pleases your good worship 522to ask!

What news? How does pretty Mistress Anne?

In truth, sir, and she is pretty, and honest, and 525gentle, and one that is your friend, I can tell you that by 526the way, I praise heaven for it.

Shall I do any good, thinkst thou? Shall I not 528lose my suit?

Troth, sir, all is in his hands above. But not530withstanding, Master Fenton, I'll be sworn on a book 531she loves you. Have not your worship a wart above 532your eye?

Yes, marry, have I. What of that?

Well, thereby hangs a tale. Good faith, it is such 535another Nan – but, I detest, an honest maid as ever 536broke bread – we had an hour's talk of that wart. I 537shall never laugh but in that maid's company! But in538deed she is given too much to allicholy and musing. 539But for you – well – go to --

Well: I shall see her today. Hold, there's mo541ney for thee. Let me have thy voice in my behalf. If 542thou seest her before me, commend me ---

Will I? I'faith, that we will. And I will tell 544your worship more of the wart the next time we have 545confidence, and of other wooers.

Well, farewell, I am in great haste now.

Farewell to your worship.

Truly an honest 548gentleman, but Anne loves hiim not, for I know Anne's 549mind as well as another does. Out upon't, what have I 550forgot? Exit.

What, have scaped love-letters in the 555holiday-time of my beauty, and am I now a subject 556for them? Let me see!

568What a Herod of Jewry is this? Oh, wicked, wicked world! 569One that is well-nigh worn to pieces with age 570to show himself a young gallant? What an unweighed 571behavior hath this Flemish drunkard picked, with 572the devil's name, out of my conversation, that he dares 573in this manner assay me? Why, he hath not been thrice 574in my company. What should I say to him? I was then 575frugal of my mirth. Heaven forgive me! Why, I'll 576exhibit a bill in the Parliament for the putting down 577of men. How shall I be revenged on him? For revenged I 578will be, as sure as his guts are made of puddings!

Mistress Page, trust me, I was going to your 580house.

And trust me, I was coming to you. You 582look very ill.

Nay, I'll ne'er believe that; I have to show 584to the contrary.

'Faith but you do in my mind.

Well, I do then. Yet I say, I could show 587you to the contrary. Oh, Mistress Page, give me some 588counsel.

What's the matter, woman?

Oh, woman, if it were not for one trifling re591spect, I could come to such honor.

Hang the trifle, woman, take the honor! 593What is it? Dispence with trifles! What is it?

If I would but go to hell for an eternal 595moment or so, I could be knighted.

What? Thou liest! Sir Alice Ford? These 597knights will hack and so thou shouldst not alter the ar598ticle of thy gentry.

We burn daylight. Here, read, read!

600Perceive how I might be knighted. I shall think the 601worse of fat men as long as I have an eye to make diffe602rence of men's liking. And yet he would not swear, 603praise women's modesty, and gave such orderly and well-604behaved reproof to all uncomeliness, that I would have 605sworn his disposition would have gone to the truth of 606his words. But they do no more adhere and keep place 607together than the hundred psalms to the tune of "Green608sleeves". What tempest, I trow, threw this whale, with 609so many tuns of oil in his belly, ashore at Windsor? 610How shall I be revenged on him? I think the best way 611were to entertain him with hope till the wicked fire 612of lust have melted him in his own grease. Did you e613ver heare the like?

Letter for letter – but that the name of 615Page and Ford differs. To thy great comfort in this my616stery of ill opinions, here's the twin-brother of thy let617ter.

but let thine inherit first, for I protest} mine never 618shall. I warrant he hath a thousand of these letters writ 619with blank space for different names – sure, more, and 620these are of the second edition: he will print them, out 621of doubt, for he cares not what he puts into the press, 622when he would put us two. I had rather be a giantess, 623and lie under Mount Pelion! Well; I will find you twen624ty lascivious turtles ere one chaste man.

Why, this is the very same, the very hand, 626the very words! What doth he think of us?

Nay, I know not. It makes me almost rea628dy to wrangle with mine own honesty. I'll entertain 629myself like one that I am not acquainted withal. For 630sure, unless he know some strain in me that I know 631not myself, he would never have boarded me in this 632fury.

Boarding, call you it? I'll be sure to keep 634him above deck.

So will I. If he come under my hatches, 636I'll never to sea again. Let's be revenged on him. Let's 637appoint him a meeting, give him a show of comfort in 638his suit, and lead him on with a fine baited delay, till he 639hath pawned his horses to mine host of the Garter.

Nay, I will consent to act any villainy against 641him that may not sully the chariness of our honesty. Oh, 642that my husband saw this letter! It would give eternal 643food to his jealousy.

Why, look where he comes, and my good 645man too. He's as far from jealousy as I am from gi646ving him cause, and that, I hope, is an unmeasurable di647stance.

You are the happier woman.

Let's consult together against this greasy 650knight. Come hither.

Well. I hope it be not so.

Hope is a curtal dog in some affairs.

653Sir John affects thy wife.

Why, sir, my wife is not young.

He woos both high and low, both rich and poor,

656Both young and old, one with another, Ford.

He loves the 657gallimaufry, Ford, perpend.

Love my wife?

With liver burning hot! Prevent,

660Or go thou, like Sir Acteon he, with

661Ringwood at thy heels. Oh, odious's the name!

What name, sir?

The horn, I say. Farewell.

664Take heed, have open eye, for thieves do foot by night.

665Take heed, ere summer comes, or cuckoo-birds do sing.

666-- Away, Sir Corporal Nym.

667-- Believe it, Page. He speaks sense.

[Aside] I will be patient. I will find out this.

And this is true: I like not the humor of lying: 670he hath wronged me in some humors. I should have 671borne the humored letter to her, but I have a sword, 672and it shall bite upon my necessity. He loves your wife. 673There's the short and the long. My name is Corporal 674Nym. I speak, and I avouch: 'tis true. My name is Nym 675and Falstaff loves your wife. Adieu, I love not the hu676mor of bread and cheese. AdiEvans

[Aside] The humor of it, quoth 'a? Here's a fellow 678frights English out of his wits.

[Aside] I will seek out Falstaff.

[Aside] I never heard such a drawling, affecting rogue.

[Aside] If I do find it – well.

[Aside] I will not believe such a Cathayan, though the 683priest o'th'yown commended him for a true man.

[Aside]'Twas a good sensible fellow – well.

How now, Meg?

Whether go you, George? Hark you.

How now, sweet Frank, why art thou me688lancholy?

I, melancholy? I am not melancholy. 690Get you home. Go.

Faith, thou hast some crochets in thy head, 692now. -- Will you go, Mistress Page?

Have with you! -- You'll come to dinner, 694George? -- [Aside to Mistress Ford] Look who comes yonder. She shall be our 695messenger to this paltry knight.

Trust me, I thought on her. She'll fit it.

[To Mistress Quickly] You are come to see my daughter Anne?

Ay, forsooth, and I pray how does good Mistress 699Anne?

Go in with us and see. We have an hour's 701talk with you.

How now, Master Ford?

You heard what this knave told me, did you not?

Yes, and you heard what the other told me?

Do you think there is truth in them?

Hang 'em, slaves! I do not think the knight 707would offer it. But these that accuse him in his intent 708towards our wives are a yoke of his discarded men, ve709ry rogues, now they be out of service.

Were they his men?

Marry, were they.

I like it never the better for that. 713Does he lie at the Garter?

Ay, marry, does he. If he should intend this voy715age toward my wife, I would turn her loose to him, 716and what he gets more of her than sharp words, let it 717lie on my head.

I do not misdoubt my wife, but I would be 719loath to turn them together. A man may be too confi720dent. I would have nothing lie on my head. I cannot 721be thus satisfied.

Look where my ranting host of the Garter 723comes. There is either liquor in his pate, or money in his 724purse, when he looks so merrily. -- How now, mine 725host?

How now, bully rook? Thou'rt a gentleman -- 727[Calling] Cavaleiro justice, I say!

I follow, mine host, I follow. – Good even 729and twenty, good Master Page. Master Page, will you go 730with us? We have sport in hand.

Tell him, cavaliero justice, tell him, bully 732rook.

Sir, there is a fray to be fought between Sir 734Hugh the Welsh priest and Caius the French doctor.

Good mine host o'th' Garter, a word with you.

What sayst thou, my bully rook?

Will you goe with us to behold it? My merry 738host hath had the measuring of their weapons, and, I 739thinke, hath appointed them contrary places. For, be740lieve me, I hear the parson is no jester. Hark, I will 741tell you what our sport shall be.

[To Ford] Hast thou no suit against my knight, my guest 743cavalier?

None, I protest, but I'll give you a pottle of 745burned sack to give me recourse to him, and tell him 746my name is Broom – only for a jest.

My hand, bully! Thou shalt have egress and 748regress (said I well?) and thy name shall be Broom. It 749is a merry knight. [To all] Will you go, mijnheers?

Have with you, mine host.

I have heard the Frenchman hath good skill 752in his rapier.

Tut, sir, I could have told you more. In these 754times you stand on distance: your passes, stoccadoes, and 755I know not what. 'Tis the heart, Master Page, 'tis here, 756'tis here. I have seen the time, with my long-sword, I 757would have made you four tall fellows skip like 758rats.

Here, boys, here, here! Shall we wag?

Hace with you! I had rather hear them scold 761than fight.

Though Page be a secure fool and stands so 763firmly on his wife's frailty, yet I cannot put off my o764pinion so easily. She was in his company at Page's house, 765and what they made there, I know not. Well, I will look 766further into't, and I have a disguise to sound Falstaff. If 767I find her honest, I lose not my labor. If she be other768wise, 'tis labor well bestowed. Exit.

I will not lend thee a penny.

Why then the world's mine oyster,

Which I 774with sword will open.

Not a penny. I have been content, sir, you 776should lay my countenance to pawn. I have grated up777on my good friends for three reprieves for you, and 778your coach-fellow Nym, or else you had looked through 779the grate, like a gemini of baboons. I am damned in 780hell, for swearing to gentlemen, my friends, you were 781good soldiers and tall fellows. And when Mistress 782Bridget lost the handle of her fan, I took't upon mine ho783nor thou hadst it not.

Didst not thou share? Hadst thou not fifteen

785pence?

Reason, you rogue, reason! Thinkst thou I'll en787danger my soul gratis? At a word, hang no more about 788me. I am no gibbet for you. Go, a short knife and a 789throng, to your manor of Pickt-hatch, go. You'll not 790bear a letter for me, you rogue? You stand upon your 791honor? Why, thou unconfinable baseness, it is as much 792as I can do to keep the terms of my honor precise. 793I, I, I myself sometimes, leaving the fear of heaven on 794the left hand, and hiding mine honor in my necessity, am 795fain to shuffle, to hedge, and to lurch, and yet you, 796rogue, will ensconce your rags, your cat-a-moun797tain looks, your red-lattice phrases, and your bold-798beating oathes under the shelter of your honor? You 799will not do it? You?

I do relent: what would thou more of man?

Sir, here's a woman would speak with you.

Let her approach.

Give your worship good morrow.

Good morrow, good wife.

Not so an't please your worship.

Good maid then.

I'll be sworn, 808as my mother was the first hour I was born.

I do believe the swearer. What with me?

Shall I vouchsafe your worship a word, or 811two?

Two thousand, fair woman, and I'll vouchsafe 813thee the hearing.

There is one Mistress Ford – sir, I pray come a 815little nearer this ways – I myself dwell with Master Doctor 816Caius:

Well, on. Mistress Ford, you say?

Your worship says very true. – I pray your wor819ship come a little nearer this ways.

I warrant thee, nobody hears – [Indicating Pistol and Robin] mine own 821people, mine own people.

Are they so? Heaven bless them, and make 823them his servants.

Well, Mistress Ford, what of her?

Why, sir, she's a good creature. Lord, lord, 826your worship's a wanton. Well, heaven forgive you, 827and all of us, I pray –

Mistress Ford – come, Mistress Ford – !

Marry, this is the short and the long of it: you 830have brought her into such a canaries as 'tis wonder831ful! The best courtier of them all, when the court lay 832at Windsor, could never have brought her to such a ca833nary. Yet there has been knights, and lords, and gen834tlemen, with their coaches; I warrant you, coach after 835coach, letter after letter, gift after gift, smelling so sweet836ly, all musk, and so rushling, I warrant you, in silk 837and gold, and in such alligant terms, and in such wine 838and sugar of the best and the fairest that would have 839won any woman's heart. And, I warrant you, they could 840never get an eye-wink of her! I had myself twenty 841angels given me this morning, but I defy all angels in 842any such sort, as they say, but in the way of honesty. And, 843I warrant you, they could never get her so much as sip 844on a cup with the proudest of them all, and yet there has 845been earls – nay, which is more, pensioners! – but I 846warrant you all is one with her.

But what says she to me? Be brief, my good 848she-Mercury.

Marry, she hath received your letter, for the 850which she thanks you a thousand times, and she gives 851you to notify that her husband will be absence from his 852house between ten and eleven.

Ten, and eleven.

Ay, forsooth, and then you may come and see the 855picture, she says, that you wot of. Master Ford, her hus856band will be from home. Alas, the sweet woman leads 857an ill life with him. He's a very jealousy man. She leads 858a very frampold life with him, good heart.

Ten and eleven. 860Woman, commend me to her. I will not fail her.

Why, you say well. But I have another messen862ger to your worship. Mistress Page hath her hearty 863commendations to you too, and let me tell you in your 864ear, she's as fartuous a civil modest wife – and one, I 865tell you, that will not miss you morning nor evening 866prayer – as any is in Windsor, whoe'er be the other. And 867she bade me tell your worship that her husband is sel868dom from home, but she hopes there will come a time. 869I never knew a woman so dote upon a man! Surely I 870think you have charms, la, yes, in truth.

Not I, I assure thee. Setting the attraction of my 872good parts aside, I have no other charms.

Blessing on your heart for't.

But I pray thee tell me this: has Ford's wife, and 875Page's wife acquainted each other how they love me?

That were a jest indeed. They have not so little 877grace, I hope -- that were a trick indeed! But Mistriess Page 878would desire you to send her your little page, of all loves. 879Her husband has a marvelous infection to the little page, 880and truly Master Page is an honest man. Never a wife in 881Windsor leads a better life than she does: do what she 882will, say what she will, take all, pay all, go to bed when 883she list, rise when she list}, all is as she will; and truly she 884deserves it, for if there be a kind woman in Windsor, she 885is one. You must send her your page, no remedy.

Why, I will.

Nay, but do so then and, look you, he may 888come and go between you both. And in any case have 889a nay-word, that you may know one another's mind, 890and the boy never need to understand anything, for 891'tis not good that children should know any wickedness. 892Old folks, you know, have discretion, as they say, and 893know the world.

Fare thee well, commend me to them both. 895There's my purse. I am yet thy debtor. -- Boy, go along 896with this woman.

[Aside] This news distracts me.

[Aside] This punk is one of Cupid's carriers.

898Clap on more sails, pursue! Up with your sights. --

899Give fire! She is my prize, or ocean whelm them all.

Sayst thou so, old Jack, go thy ways: I'[ll make 901more of thy old body than I have done. Will they yet 902look after thee? Wilt thou, after the expense of so much 903money, be now a gainer? Good body, I thank thee: Let 904them say 'tis grossly done; so it be fairly done, no 905matter.

Sir John, there's one Master Broom below would 907fain speak with you, and be acquainted with you, and 908hath sent your worship a morning's draught of sack.

Broom is his name?

Ay, sir.

Call him in.

Such Brooms are welcome to me, 912that o'erflows such liquor. [He drinks.] Ah ha, Mistress Ford and Mi913stress Page, have I encompassed you? Go to, via!

'Bless you, sir.

And you, sir. Would you speak with me?

I make bold to press with so little prepara917tion upon you.

You're welcome. What's your will? -- Give us leave, 919drawer.

Sir, I am a gentleman that have spent much. 921My name is Broom.

Good Master Broom, I desire more acquaintance 923of you.

Good Sir John, I sue for yours -- not to charge 925you, for I must let you understand, I think myself in 926better plight for a lender than you are, the which hath 927something emboldened me to this unseasoned intrusion, 928for they say, if money go before, all ways do lie 929open.

Money is a good soldier, sir, and will on.

Troth, and I have a bag of money here trou932bles me. If you will help to bear it, Sir John, take all, 933or half, for easing me of the carriage.

Sir, I know not how I may deserve to be your 935porter.

I will tell you, sir, if you will give me the hea937ring.

Speak, good Master Broom. I shall be glad to 939be your servant.

Sir, I hear you are a scholar – I will be brief 941with you – and you have been a man long known to me, 942though I had never so good means as desire to make my943self acquainted with you. I shall discover a thing to 944you, wherein I must very much lay open mine own im945perfection. But, good Sir John, as you have one eye up946on my follies, as you hear them unfolded, turn another 947into the register of your own, that I may pass with a 948reproof the easier, sith you yourself know how easy it 949is to be such an offender.

Very well, sir. Proceed.

There is a gentlewoman in this town – her 952husband's name is Ford.

Well, sir.

I have long loved her, and I protest to you, be955stowed much on her; followed her with a doting ob956servance; engrossed opportunities to meet her; fee'd e957very slight occasion that could but nigardly give me 958sight of her; not only bought many presents to give her, 959but have given largely to many to know what she 960would have given. Briefly, I have pursued her as love 961hath pursued me, which hath been on the wing of all 962occasions. But whatsoever I have merited, either in my 963mind, or in my means, meed I am sure I have received 964none, unless experience be a jewel that I have purcha965sed at an infinite rate, and that hath taught me to say 966this:

Have you received no promise of satisfaction at 970her hands?

Never.

Have you importuned her to such a purpose?

Never.

Of what quality was your love then?

Like a fair house built on another man's ground, 976so that I have lost my edifice by mistaking the place 977where I erected it.

To what purpose have you unfolded this to me?

When I have told you that, I have told you all. 980Some say that, though she appear honest to me, yet in 981other places she enlargeth her mirth so farre that there 982is shrewd construction made of her. Now, Sir John, here 983is the heart of my purpose. You are a gentleman of ex984cellent breeding, admirable discourse, of great admit985tance, authentic in your place and person, generally 986allowed for your many war-like, court-like, and learned 987preparations.

Oh, sir.

Believe it, for you know it. There is money: Handing him a money-bag

990spend it, spend it, spend more, spend all I have, only 991give me so much of your time in exchange of it as to lay 992an amiable siege to the honesty of this Ford's wife. Use 993your art of wooing; win her to consent to you. If any 994man may, you may as soon as any.

Would it apply well to the vehemency of your 996affection that I should win what you would enjoy? Me997thinks you prescribe to yourself very preposterously.

Oh, understand my drift! She dwells so securely 999on the excellency of her honor, that the folly of my soul 1000dares not present itself. She is too bright to be looked 1001against. Now, could I come to her with any detection 1002in my hand, my desires had instance and argument to 1003commend themselves. I could drive her then from the 1004ward of her purity, her reputation, her marriage-vow, 1005and a thousand other her defences, which now are too 1006too strongly embattled against me. What say you too't, 1007Sir John?

Master Broom, I will first make bold with your 1009money.

Next, give me your hand, [They shake hands.]

and last, as I am a 1010gentleman, you shall, if you will, enjoy Ford's wife.

Oh, good sir.

I say you shall.

Want no money, Sir John, you shall want none!

Want no Mistress Ford, Master Broom, you shall 1015want none. I shall be with her, I may tell you, by her 1016own appointment: even as you came in to me, her assi1017stant, or go-between, parted from me. I say I shall be 1018with her between ten and eleven, for at that time the 1019jealous rascally knave her husband will be forth. Come 1020you to me at night -- you shall know how I speed.

I am blest in your acquaintance. Do you know 1022Ford, sir?

Hang him, poor\ cuckoldly knave, I know 1024him not. Yet I wrong him to call him poor. They say 1025the jealous wittolly knave hath masses of money, for 1026the which his wife seems to me well-favored. I will use 1027her as the key of the cuckoldly rogue's coffer, and there's 1028my harvest-home.

I would you knew Ford, sir, that you might a1030void him, if you saw him.

Hang him, mechanical salt-butter rogue! I will 1032stare him out of his wits. I will awe him with my cud1033gel: it shall hang like a meteor o'er the cuckold's horns. 1034Master Broom, thou shalt know, I will predominate o1035ver the peasant, and thou shalt lie with his wife. Come 1036to me soon at night. Ford's a knave, and I will aggra1037vate his style. Thou, Master Broom, shalt know him for 1038knave and cuckold. Come to me soon at night.

What a damned epicurian rascal is this? my 1040heart is ready to crack with impatience. Who says this 1041is improvident jealousy? My wife hath sent to him, the 1042hour is fixed, the match is made: would any man have 1043thought this? See the hell of having a false woman. My 1044bed shall be abused, my coffers ransacked, my reputati1045on gnawn at, and I shall not only receive this villanous 1046wrong, but stand under the adoption of abominable 1047terms, and by him that does me this wrong! Terms, 1048names! Amaimon sounds well; Lucifer, well; Barbason, 1049well; yet they are devols' additions, the names of fiends. 1050But cuckold, wittol, cuckold? The Devil himself 1051hath not such a name. Page is an ass, a secure ass. He 1052will trust his wife, he will not be jealous. I will rather 1053trust a Fleming with my butter, Parson Hugh the Welsh1054man with my cheese, an Irishman with my aquavitae 1055bottle, or a thief to walk my ambling gelding, than 1056my wife with herself. Then she plots, then she rumi1057nates, then she devises: and what they think in their 1058hearts they may effect. They will break their hearts but 1059they will effect! Heaven be praised for my jealousy. 1060Eleven o'clock the hour. I will prevent this, detect 1061my wife, be revenged on Falstaff, and laugh at Page. I 1062will about it. Better three hours too soon than a mi1063nute too late. Fie, fie, fie! Cuckold, cuckold, cuckold!

Jack Rugby.

Sir.

Vat is the clock, Jack?

'Tis pastthe hour, sir, that Sir Hugh promised 1071to meet.

By gar, he has save his soul, dat he is no come. 1073He has pray his pible well, dat he is no come. By gar, 1074Jack Rugby, he is dead already, if he be come.

He is wise, sir. He knew your worship would 1076kill him if he came.

By gar, de herring is no dead, so as I vill kill 1078him. [Drawing his rapier] Take your rapier, Jack. I vill tell you how I vill 1079kill him.

Alas, sir, I cannot fence.

Villainy, [Thrusting at him] take your rapier!

Forbear! Here's company.

'Bless thee, bully-doctor.

'Save you, Master Doctor Caius.

Now, good master doctor.

'Give you good morrow, sir.

Vat be all you one, two, tree, four, come for?

To see thee fight, to see thee foin, to see thee 1089traverse, to see thee here, to see thee there, to see thee 1090pass thy puncto, thy stock, thy reverse, thy distance, thy 1091montant. Is he dead, my Ethiopian? Is he dead, my Fran1092cisco? Ha, bully? What says my Esculapius? My Galen? My 1093heart of elder? Ha? Is he dead, bully-stale? Is he dead?

By gar, he is de coward jack-priest of de vorld! 1095He is not show his face.

Thou art a Castalian king-urinal! Hector of 1097Greece, my boy!

I pray you bear witness that me have stay 1099six or seven, two, tree hours for him, and he is no 1100come.

He is the wiser man, master doctor. He is a curer of 1102souls, and you a curer of bodies. If you should fight, you 1103go against the hair of your professions. Is it not true, 1104Master Page?

Master Shallow; you have yourself been a 1106great fighter, though now a man of peace.

Bodikins, Master Page, though I now be old and 1108of the peace; if I see a sword out, my finger itches to 1109make one. Though we are justices and doctors and 1110churchmen, Master Page, we have some salt of our youth 1111in us. We are the sons of women, Master Page.

'Tis true, Master Shallow.

It wil be found so, Master Page. -- Master Doctor Caius, 1114I am come to fetch you home. I am sworn of the peace. 1115You have showed yourself a wise physician, and Sir 1116Hugh hath shown himself a wise and patient church1117man. You must go with me, master doctor.

Pardon, guest-justice. – [To Caius] Ah, Monsieur Mock1119water.

Mockvater? Vat is dat?

Mockwater, in our English tongue, is valor, 1122bully.

By gar, then I have as much mockvater as de 1124Englishman. Scurvy jack-dog priest! By gar, me vill 1125cut his ears.

He will clapperclaw thee tightly, bully.

Clapper-de-claw? Vat is dat?

That is, he will make thee amends.

By gar, me do look he shall clapper-de-claw 1130me, for by gar me vill have it.

And I will provoke him to't, or let him wag.

Me tank you for dat.

And moreover, bully -- but first, master guest, 1134and Master Page, and eke Cavaleiro Slender, [Aside to them] go you through 1135the town to Frogmore.

[Aside to Host] Sir Hugh is there, is he?

[Aside to Page and Shallow] He is there. See what humor he is in, and I will 1138bring the doctor about by the fields. Will it do well?

[Aside to Host] We will do it.

Adieu, good master doctor.

By gar, me vill kill de priest, for he speak for a 1142jackanape to Anne Page.

Let him die: Sheathe thy impatience. Throw cold 1144water on thy choler. Go about the fields with me 1145through Frogmore. I will bring thee where Mistress Anne 1146Page is, at a farmhouse a-feasting, and thou shalt woo 1147her. Cried game! Said I well?

By gar, me dank you vor dat. By gar, I love 1149you, and I shall procure-a you de good guest: de earl, 1150de knight, de lords, de gentlemen, my patients.

For the which I will be thy adversary toward 1152Anne Page. Said I well?

By gar, 'tis good. Vell said!

Let us wag then.

Come at my heels, Jack Rugby.

I pray you now, good Master Slender's serving1161man, and friend Simple by your name; which way have 1162you looked for Master Caius, that calls himselfe doctor 1163of physic?

Marry, sir, the Petty-ward, the Park-ward, 1165every way – old Windsor way and every way but the 1166town way.

I most fehemently desire you you will also 1168look that way.

I will, sir.

'Pless my soul, how full of cholers I am, and 1171trempling of mind! I shall be glad if he have deceived 1172me. How melancholies I am! I will knog his urinals a1173bout his knave's costard when I have good opportunities 1174for the 'ork. 'Pless my soul!

–

'Mercy on me, I have a great dispositions to cry.

Yonder he is coming, this way, Sir Hugh.

He's welcome.

1182Heaven prosper the right! What weapons is he?

No weapons, sir. There comes my master, Master 1184Shallow, and another gentleman, from Frogmore over 1185the stile, this way.

Pray you give me my gowne, or else keepe it 1187in your armes.

How now, master parson? Good morrow, good 1189Sir Hugh! Keep a gamester from the dice, and a good 1190student from his book, and it is wonderful.

Ah, sweet Anne Page!

'Saue you, good Sir Hugh.

'Pless you from his mercy sake, all of you.

What, the sword, and the word? 1195Do you study them both, master parson?

And youthful still, in your doublet and hose, 1197this raw-rheumatic day?

There is reasons and causes for it.

We are come to you, to do a good office, master 1200parson.

Fery well. What is it?

Yonder is a most reverend gentleman, who 1203(belike) hauing received wrong by some person, is at 1204most odds with his own gravity and patience, that ever 1205you saw.

I have lived fourscore years and vpward. I 1207never heard a man of his place, gravity, and learning so 1208wide of his own respect.

What is he?

I think you know him: Master Doctor Caius the 1211renowned French physician.

Got's-will and his passion, of my heart! I had 1213as lief you would tell me of a mess of porridge.

Why?

He has no more knowledge in Hibbocrates and 1216Galen, and he is a knave besides, a cowardly knave, as 1217you would desires to be acquainted withal.

I warrant you, he's the man should fight with 1219him.

Oh, sweet Anne Page!

It appears so by his weapons. Keep them a1222sunder. Here comes Doctor Caius.

Nay, good master parson, keep in your weapon.

So do you, good master doctor.

Disarm them and let them question. Let them 1226keep their limbs whole and hack our English.

I pray you let-a me speak a word with your 1228ear. [Aside to Evans] Vherefore vill you not meet-a me?

[Aside to Caius] Pray you use your patience. [Aloud] In good time.

By gar, you are de coward, de jack dog, John 1231ape.

[Aside to Caius] Pray you let vs not be laughing-stocks to other 1233men's humors. I desire you in friendship, and I will one 1234way or other make you amends. [Aloud] I will knog your urinal 1235about your knave's cogscomb.

Diable! Jack Rugby, mine host de Jarteer, have I 1237not stay for him to kill him? Have I not, at de place I did 1238appoint?

As I am a Christians soul, now look you, 1240this is the place appointed. I'll be judgment by mine 1241host of the Garter.

Peace, I say, Gallia and Gaul, French and Welsh, 1243soul-curer, and body-curer.

Ay, dat is very good, excellent!

Peace, I say! Hear mine host of the Garter. 1246Am I politic? Am I subtle? Am I a Machiavel? 1247Shall I lose my doctor? No, he gives me the potions 1248and the motions. [Offering his hand to Caius] -- Shall I lose my parson, my priest, 1249my Sir Hugh? No, he gives me the proverbs and the 1250no-verbs. [To Evans] Give me thy hand celestial. So. Boys of 1251art, I have deceived you both. I have directed you to 1252wrong places. Your hearts are mighty, your skins are 1253whole, and let burned sack be the issue. [To Shallow and Page] Come, lay their 1254swords to pawn. [To Caius and Evans] Follow me, lad of peace, follow, fol1255low, follow!

Trust me, a mad host! Follow, gentlemen, fol1257low.

Oh, sweet Anne Page!

Ha, do I perceive dat? Have you make-a de sot 1260of us, ha, ha?

This is well. He has made us his vlouting-stog. 1262I desire you that we may be friends, and let us knog our 1263prains together to be revenge on this same scall, scur1264vy, cogging companion, the host of the Garter.

By gar, with all my heart! He promise to bring 1266me where is Anne Page. By gar, he deceive me too.

Well, I will smite his noddles. Pray you, follow.

Nay, keep your way, little gallant. You 1272were wont to be a follower, but now you are a leader. 1273Whether had you rather, lead mine eyes, or eye your ma 1274ster's heels?

I had rather, forsooth, go before you like a man, 1276than follow him like a dwarf.

Oh, you are a flattering boy! Now I see you'll be a courtier.

Well met, Mistress Page. Whither go you?

Truly, sir, to see your wife. Is she at home?

Ay, and as idle as she may hang together for want 1282of company. I think if your husbands were dead, you 1283two would marry.

Be sure of that -- two other husbands.

Where had you this pretty weathercock?

I cannot tell what the dickens his name is my 1287husband had him of. What do you call your knight's name, sirrah?

Sir John Falstaff.

Sir John Falstaff!

He, he! I can never hit on's name. There is such a 1291league between my goodman and he. Is your wife at home indeed?

Indeed, she is.

By your leave, sir, I am sick till I see her.

Has Page any brains? Hath he any eyes? Hath he 1295any thinking? Sure they sleep: he hath no use of them. 1296wWhy, this boy will carry a letter twenty mile as easy as 1297a cannon will shoot point-blank twelve score. He pie1298ces out his wife's inclination. He gives her folly motion 1299and aduantage. And now she's going to my wife, and Fal1300staff's boy with her. A man may hear this shower sing 1301in the wind: and Falstaff's boy with her! Good plots 1302they are laid, and our revolted wives share damnation 1303together. Well, I will take him, then torture my wife, 1304pluck the borrowed veil of modesty from the so-see1305ming Mistress Page, divulge Page himself for a secure and 1306wilful Acteon, and to these violent proceedings all my 1307neighbors shall cry aim.

The clock gives me my cue, 1308and my assurance bids me search. There I shall find Fal1309staff. I shall be rather praised for this, than mocked, for 1310it is as possitive as the earth is firm that Falstaff is 1311there. I will go.

Well met, Master Ford.

Trust me, a good knot. I have good cheer at 1314home, and I pray you all go with me.

I must excuse myself, Master Ford.

And so must I, sir. 1317We have appointed to dine with Mistress Anne, 1318And I would not break with her for more money 1319Than I'll speak of.

We have lingered about a match between Anne 1321Page and my cousin Slender, and this day we shall have 1322our answer.

I hope I have your good will, Father Page.

You have, Master Slender, I stand wholly for you, 1325[To Caius] but my wife, master doctor, is for you altogether.

Ay, begar, and de maid is love-a me. My nursh-a Quickly 1327tell me so mush.

What say you to young Master Fenton? He capers, 1329he dances, he has eyes of youth, he writes verses, he 1330speaks holiday, he smells April and May. He wil carry't, 1331he will carry't, 'tis in his buttons, he will carry't.

Not by my consent, I promise you. The gentle1333man is of no having. He kept company with the wild 1334prince, and Poins. He is of too high a region; he knows 1335too much. No, he shall not knit a knot in his fortunes 1336with the finger of my substance. If he take her, let him 1337take her simply. The wealth I have waits on my consent, 1338and my consent goes not that way.

I beseech you heartily, some of you go home 1340with me to dinner. Besides your cheer, you shall have 1341sport: I will show you a monster. Master doctor, you shall 1342go. So shall you, Master Page, and you, Sir Hugh.

Well, fare you well. 1344We shall have the freer wooing at Master Page's.

Go home, John Rugby. I come anon.

Farewell, my hearts, I will to my honest knight 1347Falstaff and drink canary with him.

[Aside] I think I shall drink in pipe-wine first with 1349him. I'll make him dance. – Will you go, gentles?

Have with you to see this monster.

[Calling] What, John! What, Robert!

Quickly, quickly! Is the buck-basket ---

I warrant. – What, Robin, I say!

Come, come, come!

Here, set it down.

Give your men the charge, we must be briefe.

Marry, as I told you before, John and Robert, 1361be ready here hard-by in the brew-house, and when I sud1362denly call you, come forth, and without any pause – or 1363staggering – take this basket on your shoulders. That done, 1364trudge with it in all haste, and carry it among the whit1365sters in Datchet Mead, and there empty it in the muddy 1366ditch, close by the Thames side.

[To the Servants] You will do it?

I ha' told them over and over. They lack no direction. 1369 -- Be gone, and come when you are called.

Here comes little Robin.

How now, my eyas-musket, what news with you?

My master, Sir John, is come in at your back door, 1373Mistress Ford, and requests your company.

You litle Jack-a-Lent, have you been true to us?

Ay, I'll be sworn. My master knows not of your 1376being here, and hath threatened to put me into everla1377sting liberty, if I tell you of it, for he swears he'll turn 1378me away.

Thou'rt a good boy. This secrecy of thine 1380shall be a tailor to thee, and shal make thee a new dou1381blet and hose. I'll go hide me.

Do so. – [To Robin.] Go tell thy master I am alone. [Exit Robin.] -- Mi1383stress Page, remember you your cue.

I warrant thee, if I do not act it, hiss me.

Go to, then.

We'll use this unwholesome 1386humidity, this gross watery pumpkin; we'll teach him 1387to know turtles from jays.

Have I caught thee, my heavenly jewel? Why, 1389now let me die, for I have lived long enough. This is the 1390period of my ambition. Oh, this blessed hour!

Oh, sweet Sir John!

Mistress Ford, I cannot cog, I cannot prate, Mistress 1393Ford. Now shall I sin in my wish: I would thy husband 1394were dead. I'll speak it before the best lord, I would 1395make thee my lady.

I, your lady, Sir John? Alas, I should be a 1397pitiful lady.

Let the court of France show me such another. 1399I see how thine eye would emulate the diamond. Thou 1400hast the right arched beauty of the brow that becomes 1401the ship-tyre, the tire-valiant, or any tire of Venetian 1402admittance.

A plain kerchief, Sir John. 1404My brows become nothing else, nor that well neither.

Thou art a tyrant to say so. Thou wouldst make 1406an absolute courtier, and the firm fixture of thy foot 1407would give an excellent motion to thy gait in a semi1408circled farthingale. I see what thou wert if Fortune thy 1409foe were not Nature thy friend. Come, thou canst not 1410hide it.

Believe me, there's no such thing in me.

What made me love thee? Let that persuade 1413thee. There's something extraordinary in thee. Come, I 1414cannot cog, and say thou art this and that, like a-many 1415of these lisping hawthorn-buds that come like women 1416in men's apparrel and smell like Bucklersbury in sim 1417ple time. I cannot, but I love thee, none but thee, and 1418thou deserv'st it.

Do not betray me, sir. I fear you love Mistress Page.

Thou mightst as well say I love to walk by the 1421Counter gate, which is as hateful to me as the reek of 1422a lime-kiln.

Well, heaven knows how I love you, 1424And you shall one day find it.

Keep in that mind. I'll deserve it.

Nay, I must tell you, so you do, 1427Or else I could not be in that mind.

Mistress Ford, Mistress Ford! Here's Mistress Page at 1429the door, sweating, and blowing, and looking wildly, 1430and would needs speak with you presently.

She shall not see me. I will ensconce me behind 1432the arras.

Pray you, do so. She's a very tattling woman.

1434What's the matter? How now?

Oh, Mistress Ford, what have you done? 1436You're shamed, you're overthrown, you're undone forever!

What's the matter, good Mistress Page?

Oh, well-a-day, Mistress Ford, having an honest man 1439to your husband, to give him such cause of suspicion!

What cause of suspicion?

What cause of suspicion? Out upon you! 1442How am I mistook in you!

Why, alas, what's the matter?

Your husband's coming hither, woman, 1445with all the officers in Windsor, to search for a gentle1446man that he says is here now in the house; by your 1447consent to take an ill advantage of his absence. You are 1448undone!

'Tis not so, I hope.

Pray heaven it be not so, that you have such 1451a man here. But 'tis most certain your husband's com1452ing with half Windsor at his heels to search for such 1453a one. I come before to tell you. If you know yourself 1454clear, why I am glad of it. But if you have a friend here, 1455convey, convey him out. Be not amazed, call all your 1456senses to you, defend your reputation, or bid farewell to 1457your good life forever.

What shall I do? There is a gentleman, my 1459dear friend, and I fear not mine own shame so much 1460as his peril. I had rather than a thousand pound he were 1461out of the house!

For shame, never stand "you had rather," and 1463"you had rather." Your husband's here at hand. Bethink 1464you of some conveyance! In the house you cannot hide 1465him. – Oh, how have you deceived me! – Look, here is a 1466basket. If he be of any reasonable stature, he may creep 1467in here, and throw foul linen upon him, as if it were 1468going to bucking. Or it is whiting time: send him by 1469your two men to Datchet Mead.

He's too big to go in there. What shall I do?

Let me see't, let me see't, oh, let me see't! 1472I'll in, I'll in! [Aside to Mistress Ford] Follow your friend's counsel – I'll in!

What, Sir John Falstaff? [Aside to him] Are these your let1474ters, knight?

[Aside to Mistress Page] I love thee! Help me away Let me creep in 1476here. I'll never –

[To Robin] Help to cover your master, boy. – Call 1478your men, Mistress Ford. – [Aside to Fastaff] You dissembling knight!

What, John! Robert! John!

Go, take up these 1480clothes here, quickly. Where's the cowl-staff? [The servants attach the staff and try to lift the basket.] Look 1481 how you drumble! Carry them to the laundress in Dat1482chet Mead. Quickly, come!

'Pray you come near. If I suspect without cause, 1484Why, then make sport at me, then let me be your jest. 1485I deserve it. -- [To Servants] How now? Whither bear you this?

To the Landresse forsooth?

Why, what have you to do whither they 1488bear it? You were best meddle with buck-washing!

Buck? I would I could wash myself of the buck! 1490Buck, buck, buck! Ay, buck! I warrant you, buck – 1491And of the season too, it shall appear. 1492Gentlemen, I have dreamed tonight. I'll tell you my 1493dream. Here, here, here be my keys! Ascend my 1494chambers, search, seek, find out! I'll warrant we'll 1495unkennel the fox. Let me stop this way first. [Locking the door] So, now 1496uncape.

Good Master Ford, be contented. 1498You wrong yourself too much.

True, Master Page. – Up, gentlemen, 1500You shall see sport anon. 1501Follow me, gentlemen.

This is fery fantastical humors and jealousies.

By gar, 'tis no' the fashion of France. 1504It is not jealous in France.

Nay, follow him, gentlemen, see the issue of 1506his search.

Is there not a double excellency in this?

I know not which pleases me better: 1509that my husband is deceived, or Sir John.

What a taking was he in, when your 1511husband asked who was in the basket!

I am half afraid he will have need of 1513washing; so, throwing him into the water will do him 1514a benefit.

Hang him, dishonest rascal! I would all 1516of the same strain were in the same distress.

I think my husband hath some special 1518suspicion of Falstaff's being here, for I never saw him so 1519gross in his jealousy till now.

I will lay a plot to try that, and we will 1521yet have more tricks with Falstaff. His dissolute disease 1522will scarce obey this medicine.

Shall we send that foolish carrion, Mistress 1524Quickly, to him and excuse his throwing into the water, 1525and give him another hope – to betray him to another 1526punishment?

We will do it. Let him be sent for tomor1528row eight o'clock to have amends.

I cannot find him. Maybe the knave bragged 1530of that he could not compass.

[Aside to Mistress Ford] Heard you that?

You use me well, Master Ford, do you?

Ay, I do so.

Heaven make you better than your thoughts.

Amen.

You do yourself mighty wrong, Master Ford.

Ay, ay. I must bear it.

If there be anypody in the house, and in the cham1539bers, and in the coffers, and in the presses, heaven for1540give my sins at the day of judgment.

Begar, nor I too. There is nobodies.

Fie, fie, Master Ford, are you not ashamed? What spi1543rit, what devil suggests this imagination? I would not ha' 1544your distemper in this kind for the wealth of Windsor Castle.

'Tis my fault, Master Page. I suffer for it.

You suffer for a pad conscience. Your wife is 1547as honest a 'omans as I will desires among five thou1548sand, and five hundred too.

Begar, I see 'tis an honest woman.

Well, I promised you a dinner. Come, come, walk 1551in the Park. [To Mistress Ford?] I pray you pardon me. [To Page, Caius, and Evans?] I will hereafter make 1552known to you why I have done this. [To Mistress Ford and Mistress Page] Come, wife, come, 1553Mistress Page, I pray you pardon me. Pray heartily pardon me.

[To Caius, and Evans] Let's go in, gentlemen, but, trust me, we'll mock 1555him. [Including Ford] I do invite you tomorrow morning to my house 1556to breakfast. After, we'll a-birding together. I have a fine 1557hawk for the bush. Shall it be so?

Anything.

If there is one, I shall make two in the company.

If there be one, or two, I shall make-a the turd.

Pray you go, Mistress Page –

I pray you now, remembrance tomorrow on the 1563lousy knave mine host

Dat is good, begar – with all my heart.

A lousy knave, to have his gibes and his moc1566keries!

I see I cannot get thy father's love;

1571Therefore, no more turn me to him, sweet Nan.

Alas, how then?

Alas, how then? Why, thou must be thyself.

1574He doth object I am too great of birth,

1575And that, my state being galled with my expence,

1576I seek to heal it only by his wealth.

1577Besides these, other bars he lays before me --

1578My riots past, my wild societies --

1579And tells me 'tis a thing impossible

1580I should love thee but as a property.

Maybe he tells you true.

No, heaven so speed me in my time to come!

1583Albeit I will confess thy father's wealth

1584Was the first motive that I wooed thee, Anne;

1585Yet, wooing thee, I found thee of more value

1586Than stamps in gold, or sums in sealèd bags.

1587And 'tis the very riches of thyself

1588That now I aim at.

That now I aim at. Gentle M. Fenton,

1590Yet seek my father's love, still seek it, sir.

1591If opportunity and humblest suit

1592Cannot attain it, why then -- Hark you hither!

Break their talk, Mistress Quickly! 1594My kinsman shall speak for himself.

I'll make a shaft or a bolt on't. 'Slid, tis but venturing.

Be not dismayed.

No, she shall not dismay me. 1598I care not for that, but that I am afeared.

[To Anne] Hark ye, Master Slender would speak a word with you

I come to him. [Aside] This is my father's choice.

1601Oh, what a world of vile ill-favored faults

1602Looks handsome in three hundred pounds a year!

And how does good Master Fenton? 1604Pray you, a word with you.

She's coming. To her, coz. 1606Oh, boy, thou hadst a father.

I had a father, Mistress Anne. My uncle can tell you good 1608jests of him. – Pray you, uncle, tell Mistress Anne the jest how 1609my father stole two geese out of a pen, good uncle.

Mistress Anne, my cousin loves you.

Ay, that I do, as well as I love any woman in Glo1612cestershire.

He will maintain you like a gentlewoman.

Ay, that I will, come cut and long-tail, vnder the 1615degree of a squire.

He will make you a hundred and fifty pounds 1617jointure.

Good Master Shallow, let him woo for him1619self.

Marry, I thank you for it. I thank you for 1621that good comfort. -- She calls you, coz. I'll leave you.

Now, Master Slender.

Now, good Mistress Anne.

What is your will?

My will? 'Od's heartlings, that's a pretty 1626jest indeed. I ne'er made my will yet, I thank hea1627ven. I am not such a sickly creature, I give heaven 1628praise.

I mean, Master Slender, what would you with me?

Truly, for mine own part, I would little or 1631nothing with you. Your father and my uncle hath made 1632motions. If it be my luck, so. If not, happy man be his 1633dole. They can tell you how things go better than I can. 1634You may ask your father. Here he comes.

Now, Master Slender. – Love him, daughter Anne.

1636Why, how now? What does Master Fenter here?

1637[To Fenton] You wrong me, sir, thus still to haunt my house.

1638I told you, sir, my daughter is disposed of.

Nay, Master Page, be not impatient.

Good Master Fenton, come not to my child.

She is no match for you.

She is no match for you. Sir, will you hear me?

No, good M. Fenton. –

1644Come, Master Shallow, come, son Slender, in. –

1645Knowing my mind, you wrong me, Master Fenton.

[Aside to Fenton] Speak to Mistress Page.

Good Mistress Page, for that I love your daughter

1648In such a righteous fashion as I do,

1649Perforce, against all checks, rebukes, and manners,

1650I must advance the colors of my love,

1651And not retire. Let me have your good will.

Good mother, do not marry me to yond fool.

I mean it not. I seek you a better hus1654band.

That's my master, master doctor.

Alas I had rather be set quick i'th earth, 1657and bowled to death with turnips.

Come, trouble not yourself, good Master 1659Fenton.

I will not be your friend, nor enemy.

1660My daughter will I question how she loves you

1661And, as I find her, so am I affected.

1662Till then, farewell, sir. She must needs go in.

1663Her father will be angry. –

Farewell, gentle mistress. Farewell, Nan.

[To Fenton] This is my doing now." Nay," said I, "will you 1666cast away your child on a fool and a physician? 1667Look on Master Fenton!" This is my doing.

I thank thee, and I pray thee once to night,

1669Give my sweet Nan this ring. There's for thy pains.

Now heaven send thee good fortune. – [Exit Fenton.] A kind 1671heart he hath! A woman would run through fire and wa1672ter for such a kind heart. But yet I would my master 1673had Mistress Anne, or I would Master Slender had her, or in 1674sooth I would Master Fenton had her. I will do what I can 1675for them all three, for so I have promised, and I'll be as 1676good as my word, but speciously for Master Fenton. Well, I 1677must of another errand to Sir IJohn Falstaff from my two 1678mistresses. What a beast am I to slack it.

Bardolph, I say!

Here, sir.

Go, fetch me a quart of sack. Put a toast in't.

1684Have I lived to be carried in a basket like a barrow of 1685butcher's offal? And to be thrown in the Thames? Well, 1686if I be served such another trick, I'll have my brains 1687ta'en out and buttered, and give them to a dog for a 1688new-year's gift. The rogues slighted me into the river 1689with as little remorse as they would have drowned a 1690blind bitch's puppies, fifteen i'th litter. And you may 1691know by my size that I have a kind of alacrity in sink1692ing. If the bottom were as deep as hell, I should down. 1693I had been drowned, but that the shore was shelvy and 1694shallow – a death that I abhor, for the water swells a 1695man, and what a thing should I have been, when I 1696had been swelled? I should have been a mountain of 1697mummy.

Here's Mistress Quickly, sir, to speak with you.

Come, let me pour in some sack to the Thames 1700water, for my belly's as cold as if I had swallowed snow1701balls for pills to cool the reins. [He drinks.] Call her in.

Come in woman.

[To Bardolph?] By your leave, I cry you mercy! – 1704[To Falstaff] Give your worship good morrow.

[To Bardolph] Take away these challices. 1706Go, brew me a pottle of sack finely.

With eggs, sir?

Simple of itself. I'll no pullet-sperm in my 1709brewage. [Exit Bardolph with the tankards.] How now?

Marry, sir, I come to your worship from Mistress Ford.

Mistress Ford? I have had Ford enough: I was thrown 1712into the ford; I have my belly full of ford.

Alas the day, good-heart, that was not her 1714fault She does so take on with her men; they mistook 1715their erection.

So did I mine, to build upon a foolish woman's promise.

Well, she laments, sir, for it, that it would yearn 1718your heart to see it. Her husband goes this morning a-1719birding; she desires you once more to come to her, be1720tween eight and nine. I must carry her word quickly. 1721She'll make you amends, I warrant you.

Well, I will visit her, tell her so, and bid her 1723think what a man is. Let her consider his frailty, and 1724then judge of my merit.

I will tell her.

Do so. Betweene nine and ten sayst thou?

Eight and nine, sir.

Well, be gone. I will not miss her.

Peace be with you, sir.

I marvel I hear not of Master Broom. He sent me 1731word to stay within. I like his money well. 1732Oh, here he comes.

Bless you, sir.

Now, Master Broom, you come to know 1735What hath passed between me and Ford's wife.

That indeed, Sir John, is my business.

Master Broom, I will not lie to you. 1738I was at her house the hour she appointed me.

And sped you, sir?

Very ill-favoredly, Master Broom.

How so, sir? Did she change her determination?

No, Master Broom, but the peaking cornuto her hus1743band, Master Broom, dwelling in a continual larum of jelou1744sy, comes me in the instant of our encounter, after we had 1745embraced, kissed, protested, and (as it were) spoke the prologue 1746of our comedy, and at his heels a rabble of his compa1747nions, thither provoked and instigated by his distemper, 1748and, forsooth, to search his house for his wife's love.

What? While you were there?

While I was there.

And did he search for you and could not find you?

You shall hear. As good luck would have it, 1753comes in one Mistress Page, gives intelligence of Ford's ap1754proach, and in her invention and Ford's wife's distraction, 1755they conveyed me into a buck-basket.

A buck-basket?

Yes, a buck-basket! Rammed me in with foul 1758shirts and smocks, socks, foul stockings, greasy 1759napkins, that, Master Broom, there was the rankest 1760compound of villainous smell that ever offended no1761stril.

And how long lay you there?

Nay, you shall hear, Master Broom, what I suffered to bring this woman to evil for your 1765good. Being thus crammed in the basket, a couple of 1766Ford's knaves, his hinds, were called forth by their Mi1767stress to carry me in the name of foul clothes to 1768Datchet Lane. They took me on their shoulders; met 1769the iealous knave their master in the door, who 1770asked them once or twice what they had in their bas1771ket? I quaked for fear lest the lunatic knave 1772would have searched it, but Fate, ordaining he should 1773be a cuckold, held his hand. Well, on went he for 1774a search, and away went I for foule clothes. But 1775mark the sequel, Master Broom. I suffered the pangs 1776of three several deaths: first, an intollerable fright, 1777to be detected with a jealous rotten bell-wether; 1778Next to be compassed like a good bilbo in the circum1779ference of a peck, hilt to point, heel to head; and 1780then to be stopped in like a strong distillation with stink1781ing clothes that fretted in their own grease. 1782Think of that, a man of my didney! Think of that, 1783that am as subject to heat as butter, a man of conti1784nual dissolution and thaw. It was a miracle to scape 1785suffocation. And in the height of this bath – when I 1786was more then half stewed in grease, like a Dutch 1787dish, to be thrown into the Thames and 1788cooled, glowing-hot, in that surge like a horse1789shoe. Think of that! Hissing hot! Think of that, Master 1790Broom.

In good sadness, sir, I am sorry that for my sake 1792you have suffered all this. 1793My suit then is desperate. You'll undertake her no 1794more?

Master Broom, I will be thrown into Etna, 1796as I have been into Thames, ere I will leave her thus. 1797Her husband is this morning gone a-birding. I 1798have received from her another embassy of mee1799ting. 'Twixt eight and nine is the hour, Master 1800Broom.

'Tis past eight already, sir.

Is it? I will then address me to my appoint1803ment. Come to me at your convenient leisure, and 1804you shall know how I speed, and the conclusion, 1805shall be crowned with your enjoying her. Adieu. You 1806shall have her, Master Broom. Master Broom, you shall 1807cuckold Ford.

Hum1 Ha! Is this a vision? Is this a dream? 1809Do I sleep? Master Ford, awake! Awake, Master Ford! 1810There's a hole made in your best coat, Master Ford! This 1811'tis to be married; this 'tis to have linen and buck-1812baskets! Well, I will proclaim myself what I am. 1813I will now take the lecher. He is at my house. He 1814cannot scape me. 'Tis impossible he should. He can1815not creep into a halfpenny purse, nor into a pepper1816box. But lest the devil that guides him should 1817aid him, I will search impossible places! Though 1818what I am, I cannot avoid; yet to be what I would 1819not shall not make me tame. If I have horns to make 1820one mad, let the proverb go with me: I'll be horn-1821mad.

Is he at Master Ford's already, think'st thou?

Sure he is by this, or will be presently, but 1826truly he is very courageous mad about his throwing 1827into the water. Mistress Ford desires you to come su1828ddenly.

I'll be with her by and by. I'll but bring 1830my young man here to school. Look where his master 1831comes. 'Tis a playing day I see.

How now, Sir Hugh, no 1832school today?

No. Master Slender is let the boys leave to play.

'Blessing of his heart.

Sir Hugh, my husband says my son pro1836fits nothing in the world at his book. I pray you ask 1837him some questions in his accidence.

Come hither, William. Hold vp your head, come.

Come on, sirrah, hold up your head. An1840swer your master – be not afraid.

William, how many numbers is in nouns?

Two.

Truly, I thought there had been one number 1844more, because they say "'od's nouns".

[To Quickly] Peace, your tattlings. – What is "fair", William?

Pulcher.

Polecats? There are fairer things than polecats, 1848sure.

[To Quickly] You are a very simplicity 'oman. I pray you 1850peace. -- What is lapis ,William?

A stone.

And what is a stone, William?

A pebble.

No; it is lapis . I pray you remember in your 1855prain.

Lapis .

That is a good William. What is he, William, that 1858does lend articles?

Articles are borrowed of the pronoun; and be 1860thus declined. Singulariter nominativo hic haec, hoc .

Nominatiuo hig, hag, hog. Pray you mark: geni 1862tiuo huius.Well, what is your accusative case?

Accusatiuo hinc .

I pray you have your remembrance, child: ac1865cusativo hing, hang, hog.

"Hang-hog" is Latin for bacon, I warrant you.

Leave your prabbles, 'oman. – What is the foca1868tive case, William?

O – vocativo – O.

Remember, William, vocative is caret.

And that's a good root.

'Oman, forbear.

Peace.

What is your genitive case plural, William?

Genitive case?

Ay.

Genitive horum, harum, horum.

Vengeance of Jenny's case! Fie on her! Never 1879name her, child, if she be a whore.

For shame, 'oman.

You do ill to teach the child such words. He 1882teaches him to hick, and to hack, which they'll do fast 1883enough of themselves, and to call "horum" – fie upon you!

'Oman, art thou lunatics? Hast thou no un 1885derstandings for thy cases, and the numbers of the gen1886ders? Thou art as foolish Christian creatures as I would 1887desires.

[To Quickly?] Prithee hold thy peace.

Show me now, William, some declensions of your 1890pronouns.

Forsooth, I have forgot.

It is qui, que, quod. If you forget your quis, 1893your ques, and your quods, you must be preeches. Go 1894your ways and play, go.

He is a better scholar than I thought he was.

He is a good sprag memory: Farewell, Mistress Page.

Adieu, good Sir Hugh. -- [Exit Evans.]

1898Get you home boy. [Exit William.]

Come we stay too long. Exeunt.

Miistress Ford, your sorrow hath eaten up my suffe1903rance; I see you are obsequious in your love, and I pro1904fess requital to a hair's breadth, not only, Mistress Ford, 1905in the simple office of love, but in all the accoutrement, 1906complement, and ceremony of it. But are you sure of 1907your husband now?

He's a birding, sweet Sir John.

[Within] What ho, gossip Ford! What ho!

Step into th'chamber, Sir John.

How now, sweetheart, whose at home 1912besides yourself?

Why, none but mine own people.

Indeed?

No, certainly. [Aside to Mistress Page] Speak louder.

Truly, I am so glad you have nobody here.

Why?

Why, woman, your husband is in his old 1919lines again. He so takes on yonder with my husband, so 1920rails against all married mankind, so curses all Eve's 1921daughters of what complexion soever, and so buffets 1922himself on the forehead, crying "Peer out, peer out," 1923that any madness I ever yet beheld seemed but tame1924ness, civility, and patience to this his distemper he is in 1925now. I am glad the fat knight is not here.

Why, does he talk of him?

Of none but him, and swears he was ca1928rried out, the last time he searched for him, in a basket; 1929protests to my husband he is now here, and hath drawn 1930him and the rest of their company from their sport to 1931make another experiment of his suspicion. But I am glad 1932the knight is not here. Now he shall see his own foo1933lery.

How near is he, Mistress Page?

Hard by, at street end. He will be here anon.

I am undone! The knight is here.

Why then you are utterly shamed, and he's 1938but a dead man. What a woman are you? Away with 1939him, away with him! Better shame than murder.

Which way should he go? How should I 1941bestow him? Shall I put him into the basket again?

No, I'll come no more i'th'basket. 1943May I not go out ere he come?

Alas, three of Master Ford's brothers watch 1945the door with pistols, that none shall issue out. Other1946wise you might slip away ere he came. But what make 1947you here?

What shall I do? I'll creep up into the chimney.

There they always use to discharge their 1950birding-pieces.

Creep into the kiln-hole.

Where is it?

He will seek there, on my word: Neither 1953press, coffer, chest, trunk, well, vault, but he hath 1954an abstract for the remembrance of such places, and goes 1955to them by his note. There is no hiding you in the 1956house.

I'll go out then.

If you go out in your own semblance, 1959you die, Sir John – unless you go out disguised.

How might we disguise him?

Alas the day, I know not. There is no wo1962man's gown big enough for him. Otherwise he might 1963put on a hat, a muffler, and a kerchief, and so escape.

Good hearts, devise something, any extremity, 1965rather than a mischief.

My maid's aunt, the fat woman of Brain1967ford, has a gown above.

On my word it will serve him\! She's as 1969big as he is, and there's her thrummed hat, and her muffler 1970too. – Run up, Sir John.

Go, go, sweet Sir John. Mistress Page and 1972I will look some linen for your head.

Quick, quick, we'll come dress you 1974straight. Put on the gown the while.

I would my husband would meet him 1976in this shape. He cannot abide the old woman of Brain1977ford. He swears she's a witch, forbad her my house, and 1978hath threatened to beat her.

Heaven guide him to thy husband's cud1980gel, and the devil guide his cudgel afterwards.

But is my husband coming?

Ay, in good sadness, is he, and talks of the 1983basket too, howsoever he hath had intelligence.

Wee'll try that, for I'll appoint my men to 1985carry the basket again, to meet him at the door with 1986it, as they did last time.

Nay, but he'll be here presently. Let's go 1988dress him like the witch of Brainford.

I'll first direct my men what they 1990shall do with the basket. Go up. I'll bring linen for 1991him straight.

Hang him, dishonest varlet! 1993We cannot misuse enough.

1994We'll leave a proof by that which we will do.

1995Wives may be merry, and yet honest too.

1996We do not act that often jest and laugh.

1997'Tis old, but true: "Still swine eats all the draff."

Go, sirs, take the basket again on your 1999shoulders. Your master is hard at door. If he bid you 2000set it down, obey him. Quickly, dispatch.

Come, come, take it up.

Pray heaven it be not full of knight again.

I hope not. I had lief as bear so much lead.

Ay, but if it prove true, Master Page, have you any 2005way then to unfool me again? – [To 1 Servant] Set down the basket, 2006villain. [They put down the basket.] – Somebody call my wife. – [To the basket] Youth in a basket! 2007[To the Servants] Oh, you panderly rascals! There's a knot, a gin, a pack, 2008a conspiracy against me. Now shall the devil be shamed. 2009 -- What, wife, I say! Come, come forth! Behold what ho2010nest clothes you send forth to bleaching.

Why, this passes, Master Ford. You are not to go 2012loose any longer. You must be pinioned.

Why, this is lunatics! This is mad as a 2014mad dog.

Indeed, Master Ford, this 's not well indeed.

So say I too, sir. -- Come hither, Mistress Ford, Mi 2017stress Ford the honest woman, the modest wife, the virtu2018ous creature, that hath the jealous fool to her husband. 2019I suspect without cause, mistress, do I?

Heaven be my witness, you do, if you 2021suspect me in any dishonesty.

Well said, brazen-face, hold it out! -- [He opens the basket and begins to toss out the linens.] Come forth, 2023sirrah.

This passes.

Are you not ashamed, let the clothes alone.

I shall find you anon.

'Tis unreasonable! \Will you take up your wife's 2028clothes? Come, away.

To the Servants] Empty the basket, I say.

Why, man, why?

Master Page, as I am a man, there was one con2032veyed out of my house yesterday in this basket. Why 2033may not he be there again? In my house I am sure he is. 2034My intelligence is true; my jealousy is reasonable. [To the Servants] Pluck 2035me out all the linen.

If you find a man there, he shall die a flea's 2037death.

Here's no man.

By my fidelity this is not well, Master Ford. This 2040wrongs you.

Master Ford, you must pray, and not follow the 2042imaginations of your own heart. This is jealousies.

Well, he's not here I seek for.

No, nor nowhere else but in your brain.

Help to search my house this one time. If I find 2046not what I seek, show no color for my extremity. Let 2047me forever be your table-sport. Let them say of me, "As 2048jealous as Ford, that searched a hollow walnut for his 2049wife's leman." Satisfy me once more. Once more search 2050with me.

What ho, Mistress Page, come you and 2052the old woman down. My husband will come into the 2053chamber.

Old woman? What old woman's that?

Why, it is my maid's aunt of Brainford.

A witch, a \quean, an old cozening quean! 2057Have I not forbid her my house? She comes of errands, 2058does she? We are simple men, we do not know what's 2059brought to pass under the profession of fortune-telling. 2060She works by charms, by spells, by th'figure, and such 2061daubery as this is, beyond our element. We know no2062thing. – Come down, you witch, you hag you, come 2063downe, I say.

Nay, good sweet husband -- Good gentle2065men, let him not strike the old woman.

[Within] Come, Mother Pratt. Come, give me your 2067hand.

I"ll Pratt her! [To "Mother Pratt" beating frenziedly] Out of my door, you witch, 2069you rag, you baggage, you polecat, you runion, 2070out, out! I'll conjure you, I'll fortune-tell you!

[To Ford] Are you not ashamed? 2072I think you have killed the poor woman.

Nay he will do it -- 'tis a goodly credit 2074for you.

Hang her, witch.

By yea and no, I think the 'oman is a witch in 2077deed. I like not when a 'oman has a great peard; I spied 2078a great peard under his muffler.

Will you follow, gentlemen? I beseech you, fol2080low. See but the issue of my jealousy. If I cry out thus 2081upon no trail, never trust me when I open again.

[To the other gentlemen] Let's obey his humor a little further. 2083Come, gentlemen.

Trust me, he beat him most pitifully.

Nay, by th'mass, that he did not. He beat 2086him most unpitifully, methought.

I'll have the cudgel hallowed, and hung 2088o'er the altar. It hath done meritorious service.

What think you? May we with the war2090rant of womanhood and the witness of a good consci2091ence, pursue him with any further revenge?

The spirit of wantonness is sure scared out 2093of him. If the devil have him not in fee-simple with 2094fine and recovery, he will never, I think, in the way of 2095waste attempt us again.

Shall we tell our husbands how we have 2097served him?

Yes, by all means, if it be but to scrape 2099the figures out of your husband's brains. If they can find 2100in their hearts the poor unvirtuous fat knight shall be 2101any further afflicted, we two will still be the mini2102sters.

I'll warrant they'll have him publicly 2104shamed, and methinks there would be no period to the 2105jest, should he not be publicly shamed.

Come, to the forge with it, then shape it. 2107I would not have things cool.

Sir, the German desires to have three of your 2111horses. The duke himself will be tomorrow at court, 2112and they are going to meet him.

What duke should that be comes so secretly? 2114I hear not of him in the court. Let me speak with the 2115gentlemen. They speak English?

Ay, sir! I'll call him to you.

They shall have my horses, but I'll make them 2118pay. I'll sauce them! They have had my house a week at 2119command. I have turned away my other guests. They 2120must come off -- I'll sauce them! Come.

'Tis one of the best discretions of a 'oman as e2125ver I did look upon.

And did he send you both these letters at an 2127instant?

Within a quarter of an hour.

Pardon me, wife. Henceforth do what thou wilt.

2130I rather will suspect the sun with gold

2131Than thee with wantonness. Now doth thy honor stand,

2132In him that was of late an heretic,

2133As firm as faith.

'Tis well, 'tis well, no more.

2135Be not as extreme in submission as in offence,

2136But let our plot go forward. Let our wives

2137Yet once again, to make us public sport.

2138Appoint a meeting with this old fat fellow,

2139Where we may take him, and disgrace him for it.

There is no better way then that they spoke of.

How? To send him word they'll meet him in 2142the Park at midnight? Fie, fie, he'll never come.

You say he has been thrown in the rivers. and 2144has been grievously peaten, as an old 'oman. Methinks 2145there should be terrors in him, that he should not come. 2146Methinks his flesh is punished; he shall have no de2147sires.

So think I too.

Devise but how you'll use him when he comes,

2150And let us two devise to bring him thither.

There is an old tale goes that Herne the

2152Hunter, sometime a keeper here in Windsor Forest,

2153Doth all the winter time at still midnight

2154Walk round about an oak with great ragg'd horns,

2155And there he blasts the tree, and takes the cattle,

2156And makes milch-kine yield blood, and shakes a chain

2157In a most hideous and dreadful manner.

2158You have heard of such a spirit, and well you know

2159The superstitious idle-headed eld

2160Receiv'd, and did deliver to our age

2161This tale of Herne the Hunter for a truth.

Why yet there want not many that do fear

2163In deep of night to walk by this Herne's oak.

2164But what of this?

But what of this? Marry, this is our device:

2166That Falstaff at that oak shall meet with us.

Well, let it not be doubted but he'll come,

2168And in this shape. When you have brought him thither,

2169What shall be done with him? What is your plot?

That likewise have we thought upon, and thus:

2171Nan Page,my daughter, and my little son,

2172And three or four more of their growth, we'll dress

2173Like urchins, ouphes, and fairies, green and white,

2174With rounds of waxen tapers on their heads,

2175And rattles in their hands. Upon a sudden,

2176As Falstaff, she, and I are newly met,

2177Let them from forth a sawpit rush at once

2178With some diffused song. Upon their sight

2179We two, in great amazedness, will fly.

2180Then let them all encircle him about,

2181And fairy-like to pinch the unclean knight;

2182And ask him why that hour of fairy revel,

2183In their so sacred paths, he dares to tread

2184In shape profane.

In shape profane. And till he tell the truth,

2186Let the supposèd fairies pinch him sound,

2187And burn him with their tapers.

And burn him with their tapers. The truth being known,

2189We'll all present ourselves, dishorn the spirit,

2190And mock him home to Windsor.

And mock him home to Windsor. The children must

2192Be practised well to this, or they'll ne'er do't.

I will teach the children their behaviors; and I 2194will be like a jackanapes also, to burn the knight 2195with my taber.

That will be excellent, 2197I'll go buy them vizards.

My Nan shall be the queen of all the

2199fairies,

Finely attirèd in a robe of white.

That silk will I go buy, [Aside] and in that time

2201Shall Master Slender steal my Nan away,

2202And marry her at Eton. [To Mistress Page] Go, send to Falstaff straight.

Nay, I'll to him again in name of Broom.

2204He'll tell me all his purpose -- sure, he'll come.

Fear not you that. [To Page, Ford, and Evans] Go get us properties

2206And tricking for our fairies.

And tricking for our fairies. Let us about it. 2208It is admirable pleasures, and fery honest knaveries.

Go, Mistress Ford,

2210Send quickly to Sir John to know his mind.

2211I'll to the doctor. He hath my good will,

2212And none but he to marry with Nan Page.

2213That Slender, though well-landed, is an idiot.

2214And he, my husband best of all affects.

2215The doctor is well-moneyed, and his friends

2216Potent at court. He, none but he, shall have her,

2217Though twenty thousand worthier come to crave her.

What wouldst thou have? Boor, what? Thick2222skin, speak, breathe, discuss. Brief, short, quick, 2223snap.

Marry, sir, I come to speak with Sir John Fal2225staff from Master Slender.

There's his chamber, his house, his castle, 2227his standing-bed, and truckle-bed. 'Tis painted about 2228with the story of the prodigal, fresh and new. Knock 2229and call. He'll speak like an Anthropophaginian unto 2230thee. Knock, I say.

There's an old woman, a fat woman, gone up 2232into his chamber. I'll be so bold as stay, sir, till she come 2233down. I come to speak with her, indeed.

Ha? A fat woman? The \knight may be robbed! 2235I'll call. – Bully knight, Bully Sir John, speak from thy 2236lungs military! Art thou there? It is thine host, thine 2237Ephesian calls.

[Within] How now, mine host?

Here's a Bohemian Tartar tarries the coming 2240down of thy fat woman. Let her descend, bully, let 2241her descend. My chambers are honourable. Fie, priva2242cy? Fie!

There was, mine host, an old fat woman even 2244now with me, but she's gone.

Pray you, sir, was't not the wise woman of 2246Brainford?

\Ay, marry, was it, mussel shell. What would you 2248with her?

My master, sir, my Master Slender, sent to her, 2250seeing her go thorough the streets, to know, sir, whe2251ther one Nym, sir, that beguiled him of a chain, had the 2252chain, or no.

I spake with the old woman about it.

And what says she, I pray, sir?

Marry, she says that the very same man that 2256beguiled Master Slender of his chain cozened him of it.

I would I could have spoken with the woman 2258herself. I had other things to have spoken with her 2259too from him.

What are they? Let us know.

Ay. Come, quick.

I may not conceal them, sir.

Conceal them, or thou diest!

Why, sir, they were nothing but about Mistress 2265Anne Page, to know if it were my master's fortune to 2266have her, or no.

'Tis, 'tis his fortune.

What, sir?

To have her, or no. Go. Say the woman told 2270me so.

May I be bold to say so, sir?

Ay, sir, like who more bold.

I thank your worship. I shall make my master 2274glad with these tidings. [Exit.]

Thou are clerkly. Thou art clerkly, Sir John. 2276Was there a wise woman with thee?

Ay, that there was, mine host, one that hath taught 2278me more wit than ever I learned before in my life. And 2279I paid nothing for it neither, but was paid for my lear2280ning.

To the Host] Out alas, sir, cozonage! Mere cozonage!

Where be my horses? Speak well of them, var 2283letto.

Run away with the cozeners, for so soon as 2285I came beyond Eton, they threw me off, from behind 2286one of them, in a slough of mire; and set spurs, and 2287away, like three German devils, three Doctor Fau2288stuses.

They are gone but to meet the duke, villain. 2290Do not say they be fled. Germans are honest men.

\Where is mine host?

What is the matter, sir?

Have a care of your entertainments. There is a 2294friend of mine come to town, tells me there is three 2295cozen-Germans that has cozened all the hosts of Readings, 2296of Maidenhead, of Colnbrook, of horses and money. I 2297tell you for good will, look you. You are wise, and full 2298of gibes, and vlouting-stocks and 'tis not convenient 2299you should be cozened. Fare you well.[Exit.]

Ver' is mine host de Jarteer?

Here, master doctor, in perplexity and doubt2302ful dilemma.

I cannot tell vat is dat, but it is tell-a-me dat 2304you make grand preparation for a duke de Jarmany. By 2305my trot', der is no duke that the court is know to 2306come. I tell you for good will. Adieu.[Exit.]

[To Bardolph] Hue and cry, villain, go! – Assist me, knight, I 2308am undone. – [To Bardolph] Fly, run: hue and cry, villain! I am un2309done!

I would all the world might be cozend, for I 2311have been cozened and beaten too. If it should come 2312to the ear of the court how I have been transformed 2313and how my transformation hath been washed and 2314cudgeled, they would melt me out of my fat drop by 2315drop, and liquor fishermen's boots with me. I warrant 2316they would whip me with their fine wits, till I were as 2317crest-fallen as a dried pear. I never prospered since I 2318forswore myself at primero. Well, if my wind were 2319but long enough, I would repent. Enter Quickly.

-- Now? Whence come 2320you?

From the two parties, forsooth.

The devil take one party, and his dam the 2323other, and so they shall be both bestowed! I have suf2324ferred more for their sakes, more than the villanous in2325constancy of man'[s disposition is able to bear.

And have not they suffered? Yes, I warrant, spe2327ciously one of them, Mistress Ford, good heart, is beaten 2328black and blue, that you cannot see a white spot about 2329her.

What tell'st thou me of black and blue? I 2331was beaten myself into all the colors of the rain2332bow: and I was like to be apprehended for the witch 2333of Brainford, but that my admirable dexterity of wit, 2334my counterfeiting the action of an old woman, delivered 2335me, the knaue constable had set me i'th' stocks, i'th' com2336mon stocks, for a witch!

Sir, let me speak with you in your chamber. 2338You shall hear how things go, and, I warrant, to your 2339content. Here is a letter will say somewhat. Good 2340hearts, what ado here is to bring you together! Sure, 2341one of you does not serve heaven well, that you are so 2342crossed.

Come up into my chamber. Exeunt.

Master Fenton, talk not to me – my mind is 2347heavy. I will give over all.

Yet hear me speak. Assist me in my purpose,

2349And, as I am a gentleman, I'll give thee

2350A hundred pound in gold, more than your loss.

I will hear you, Master Fenton, and I will at 2352the least keep your counsel.

From time to time, I have acquainted you

2354With the dear love I bear to fair Anne Page,

2355Who, mutually, hath answered my affection –

2356So far forth as herself might be her chooser –

2357Even to my wish. I have a letter from her

2358Of such contents as you will wonder at,

2359The mirth whereof, so larded with my matter,

2360That neither singly can be manifested

2361Without the show of both. Fat Falstaff

2362Hath a great scene; the image of the jest

2363I'll show you here at large. Hark, good mine host.

2364Tonight at Herne's Oake, just 'twixt twelve and one,

2365Must my sweet Nan present the fairy queen –

2366The purpose why is here – in which disguise,

2367While other jests are something rank on foot,

2368Her father hath commanded her to slip

2369Away with Slender and with him at Eton

2370Immediately to marry. She hath consented. Now, sir,

2371Her mother, even strong against that match

2372And firm for Doctor Caius, hath appointed

2373That he shall likewise shuffle her away,

2374While other sports are tasking of their minds,

2375And at the deanery, where a priest attends,

2376Straight marry her. To this her mother's plot

2377She, seemingly obedient, likewise hath

2378Made promise to the Doctor. Now, thus it rests:

2379Her father means she shall be all in white;

2380And in that habit, when Slender sees his time

2381To take her by the hand and bid her go,

2382She shall go with him; her mother hath intended –

2383The better to devote her to the doctor,

2384For they must all be masked and vizarded –

2385That, quaint in green, she shall be loose enrobed

2386With ribbons pendant flaring 'bout her head;

2387And when the doctor spies his vantage ripe,

2388To pinch her by the hand and on that token

2389The maid hath given consent to go with him.

Which means she to deceive, father, or mo2391ther?

Both, my good host, to go along with me.

2393And here it rests, that you'll procure the vicar

2394To stay for me at church 'twixt twelve and one,

2395And in the lawful name of marrying,

2396To give our hearts united ceremony.

Well, husband your device. I'll to the vicar.

2398Bring you the maid, you shall not lack a priest.

So shall I evermore be bound to thee.

2400Besides, I'll make a present recompence. Exeunt.

Prithee, no more prattling. Go. I'll hold. This is 2404the third time. I hope good luck lies in odd numbers. 2405Away, go! They say there is divinity in odd numbers, 2406either in nativity, chance, or death. Away!

I'll prouvide you a chain, and I'll do what I can 2408to get you a pair of horns.

Away, I say, time wears, hold up your head and 2410mince. [Exit Quickly.]

How now, Master Broom! Master Broom, the mat2411ter will be known tonight, or never. Be you in the 2412Park about midnight at Herne's Oak, and you shall 2413see wonders.

Went you not to her yesterday, sir, as you told 2415me you had appointed?

I went to her, Master Broom, as you see, like a 2417poor old man, but I came from her, Master Broom, 2418like a poor old woman. That same knave, Ford her hus2419band, hath the finest mad devil of jealousy in him, Ma2420ster Broom, that ever gouerned frenzy. I will tell you, 2421he beat me grieuously in the shape of a woman – for in 2422the shape of man, Master Broom, I fear not Goliath 2423with a weaver's beam, because I know also life is a 2424shuttle. I am in haste. Go along with me. I'll tell you all, 2425Master Broom. Since I plucked geese, played truant, 2426and whipped Top, I knew not what 'twas to be beaten, till 2427lately. Follow me, Ile tell you strange things of this 2428knave Ford, on whom tonight I will be revenged, and I 2429will deliver his wife into your hand. Follow – strange 2430things in hand, Master Broom – follow. Exeunt.

Come, come. We'll couch i'th' Castle ditch, 2434till we see the light of our fairies. Remember, son Slen2435der, my –

Ay, forsooth, I have spoke with her, and we have 2437a nay-word how to know one another. I come to her 2438in white, and cry "mum"; she cries "budget," and by that 2439we know one another.

That's good too. But what needs either your 2441"mum" or her "budget"? The white will decipher her well 2442enough. It hath struck ten o'clock.

The night is dark. Light and spirits will be2444come it well. Heaven prosper our sport. No man means 2445evill but the devil, and we shall know him by his horns. 2446Let's away. Follow me! Exeunt.

Master Doctor, my daughter is in green. When 2450you see your time, take her by the hand, away with her 2451to the deanery, and dispatch it quickly. Go before into 2452the Park. We two must go together.

I know vat I have to do. Adieu.

Fare you well, sir.

My husband will not 2455rejoice so much at the abuse of Falstaff as he will chafe 2456at the doctor's marrying my daughter: But 'tis no mat2457ter: better a little chiding than a great deal of heart2458break.

Where is Nan now? And her troop of fai 2460ries? And the Welsh devil Hugh?

They are all couched in a pit hard by Herne's 2462Oak, with obscured lights, which at the very instant 2463of Falstaff's and our meeting, they will at once display to 2464the night.

That cannot choose but amaze him.

If he be not amazed he will be mocked. If 2467he be amazed, he will every way be mocked.

We'll betray him finely.

Against such lewdsters and their lechery,

2470Those that betray them do no treachery.

The hour draws on. To the Oak, to the 2472Oak! Exeunt.

Trib, trib, fairies. Come, and remember your 2476parts. Be pold, I pray you, follow me into the pit, and 2477when I give the watch'ords do as I pid you. Come, 2478come, trib, trib! Exeunt.

The Windsor bell hath struck twelve. The mi2484nute draws on. Now the hot-blooded gods assist me. 2485Remember, Jove, thou wast a bull for thy Europa: Love 2486set on thy horns. O powerful Love, that in some re2487spects makes a beast a man; in some other, a man a beast. 2488You were also, Jupiter, a Swan for the love of Leda. O 2489omnipotent Love, how near the god drew to the com2490plexion of a goose! A fault done first in the form of a 2491beast, O Jove, a beastly fault; and then another fault 2492in the semblance of a fowl. Think on't, Jove, a foul fault! 2493When gods have hot backs, what shall poor 2494men do? For me, I am here a Windsor stag, and the 2495fattest, I think, i'th' forest. Send me a cool rut-time, 2496Jove, or who can blame me to piss my tallow? – Who 2497comes here? My doe?

Sir John? Art thou there, my dear? 2499My male deer?

My doe with the black scut? Let the sky 2501rain potatoes. Let it thunder to the tune of "Green2502sleeves," hail kissing-comfits, and snow eringoes. Let 2503there come a tempest of provocation, I will shelter me 2504here.

Mistress Page is come with me, sweetheart.

Divide me like a bribed buck, each a haunch. 2507I will keep my sides to myself, my shoulders for the 2508fellow of this walk, and my horns I bequeath your 2509husbands. Am I a woodman, ha? Speak I like Herne 2510the hunter? Why, now is Cupid a child of conscience: 2511he makes restitution. As I am a true spirit, welcome!

Alas, what noise?

Heaven forgive our sins!

What should this be?

Away, away![Exeunt, running.]

I think the devil will not have me damned, 2517Lest the oil that's in me should set hell on fire. 2518He would never else cross me thus.

Fairies black, gray, green, and white,

2521You moonshine revelers, and shades of night,

2522You orphan heirs of fixèd destiny,

2523Attend your office and your quality.

2524Crier Hobgoblin, make the fairy oyes.

Elves, list your names. Silence, you airy toys!

2526Cricket, to Windsor chimneys shalt thou leap;

2527Where fires thou find'st \unraked and hearths unswept,

2528There pinch the maids as blue as billberry.

2529Our radiant Queen hates sluts and sluttery.

[Aside] They are fairies! He that speaks to them shall die. 2531I'll wink and couch. No man their works must eye.

Where's Bede? – Go you, and where you find a maid

2533That ere she sleep has thrice her prayers said,

2534Raise up the organs of her fantasy,

2535Sleep she as sound as careless infancy;

2536But those as sleep and think not on their sins,

2537Pinch them, arms, legs, backs, shoulders, sides, and shins.

About, about!

2539Search Windsor Castle, elves, within and out.

2540Strew good luck, ouphes, on every sacred room,

2541That it may stand till the perpetual doom,

2542In state as wholesome as in state 'tis fit,

2543Worthy the owner, and the owner it.

2544The several chairs of order, look you scour

2545With juice of balm; and every precious flower

2546Each fair instalment coat, and sev'ral crest

2547With loyal blazon, evermore be blessed.

2548And nightly, meadow-fairies, look you sing

2549Like to the Garter's compass, in a ring.

2550Th' expressure that it bears: Green let it be,

2551Mote fertile-fresh than all the field to see:

2552And honi soit qui mal y pense write

2553In em'rald tufts, flowers purple, blue, and white,

2554Like sapphire, pearl, and rich embroidery,

2555Buckled below fair knighthood's bending knee.

2556Fairies use flowers for their charactery.

2557Away, disperse – but till 'tis one o'clock!

2558Our dance of custom round about the oak

2559Of Herne the Hunter let us not forget.

Pray you lock hand in hand, yourselves in order set,

2561And twenty glow-worms shall our lanterns be

2562To guide our measure round about the tree.

2563 -- But stay! I smell a man of middle earth.

[Aside] Heavens defend me from that Welsh fairy, 2565Lest he transform me to a piece of cheese.

Vile worm, thou wast o'erlooked even in thy

2567birth.

With trial-fire touch me his finger-end.

2569If he be chaste, the flame will back descend

2570And turn him to no pain, but, if he start,

2571It is the flesh of a corrupted heart.

A trial, come!

A trial, come! Come: will this wood take fire?

Oh, oh, oh!

Corrupt, corrupt, and tainted in desire! –

2576About him, fairies, sing a scornful rime,

2577And as you trip, still pinch him to your time.

Nay, do not fly, I think we have watched you 2587now.

Will none but Herne the Hunter serve your 2588turn?

I pray you, come, hold up the jest no higher.

2590 – Now, good Sir John, how like you Windsor wives?

2591[Pointing to the horns] See you these, husband? Do not these fair yokes

2592Become the forest better than the town?

Now, sir, who's a cuckold now? 2594Master Broom, Falstaff's a knave, a cuckoldly knave! 2595[Pointing to the horns] Here are his horns, Master Broom. 2596And, Master Broom, he hath enjoyed nothing of Ford's, 2597but his buck-basket, his cudgel, and twenty pounds of 2598money, which must be paid to Master Broom. His horses are 2599arrested for it, Master Broom.

Sir John, we have had ill luck. We could 2601never meet. I will never take you for my love again, 2602but I will always count you my deer.

I do begin to perceive that I am made an ass.

[Pointing to the horns] Ay, and an ox too. Both the proofs are ex2605tant.

And these are not fairies. 2607I was three or four times in the thought they were not 2608fairies, and yet the guiltiness of my mind, the sudden 2609surprize of my powers, drove the grossness of the fop2610pery into a received belief, in despite of the teeth of 2611all rhyme and reason, that they were fairies. See now 2612how wit may be made a Jack-a-Lent when 'tis upon ill 2613employment.

Sir John Falstaff, serve Got, and leave your 2615desires, and Fairies will not pinse you.

Well said, Fairy Hugh.

[To Ford] And leave you your jealousies too, I pray 2618you.

I will never mistrust my wife again, till thou 2620art able to woo her in good English.

Have I laid my brain in the sun and dried it, 2622that it wants matter to prevent so gross o'er-reaching as 2623this? Am I ridden with a Welsh goat too? Shall I have 2624a coxcomb of frieze? 'Tis time I were choked with a 2625piece of toasted cheese.

Seese is not good to give putter. Your belly is all 2627putter.

"Seese" and "putter"? Have I lived to stand at the 2629taunt of one that makes fritters of English? This is e2630nough to be the decay of lust and late-walking through 2631the realm.

Why, Sir John, do you think, though we 2633would have thrust virtue out of our hearts by the head 2634and shoulders, and have given ourselves without scru2635ple to hell, that ever the devil could have made you our 2636delight?

What, a hodge-pudding? A bag of flax?

A puffed man?

\Old, cold, withered, and of intolerable en 2640trails?

And one that is as slanderous as Satan?

And as poor as Job?

And as wicked as his wife?

And given to fornications, and to taverns, 2645and sack, and wine, and metheglins, and to drinkings 2646and swearings, and starings? Pribbles and prabbles?

Well, I am your theme. You have the start of 2648me. I am dejected. I am not able to answer the Welsh 2649flannel. Ignorance itself is a plummet o'er me. Use me 2650as you will.

Marry, sir, we'll bring you to Windsor to one 2652Master Broom, that you have cozened of money, to whom 2653you should have been a pander. Over and above that you 2654have suffered, I think to repay that money will be a bi2655ting affliction.

Yet be cheerful, knight. Thou shalt eat a pos2657set tonight at my house, where I will desire thee to laugh 2658at my wife, that now laughs at thee. Tell her Master Slen2659der hath married her daughter.

Doctors doubt that. 2661If Anne Page be my daughter, she is, by this, Doctor 2662Caius's wife.

Whoa, ho, ho, Father Page!

Son, how now! How now, son, 2665Have you dispatched?

Dispatched? I'll make the best in Gloucestershire 2667know on't. Would I were hanged, la, else!

Of what, son?

I came yonder at Eton to marry Mistress Anne 2670Page, and she's a great lubberly boy! If it had not been 2671i'th'church, I would have swinged him, or he should 2672have swinged me. If I did not think it had beene Anne 2673Page, would I might never stir, and 'tis a postmaster's 2674boy!

Upon my life, then, you took the wrong –

What need you tell me that? I think so, when 2677I took a boy for a girl! If I had been married to him, 2678for all he was in woman's apparrel, I would not have 2679had him.

Why, this is your own folly, 2681Did not I tell you how you should know my daughter 2682By her garments?

I went to her in green, and cried "mum" and 2684she cried "budget" as Anne and I had appointed, and yet 2685it was not Anne, but a postmaster's boy.

Good George, be not angry. I knew of 2687your purpose, turned my daughter into white, and in2688deed she is now with the doctor at the deanery, and 2689there married.

Ver is Mistress Page? By gar, I am cozened! I ha' 2691married un garçon, a boy; un pesant, by gar. A boy – 2692it is not Anme Page. By gar, I am cozened.

VVhy? Did you take her in white?

Ay, begar, and 'tis a boy! Begar, I'll raise all 2695Windsor.

This is strange. Who hath got the right Anne?

My heart misgives me. Here comes Master Fenton.

2698How now, Master Fenton?

How now, Master Fenton? Pardon, good father.

Good my mother, pardon.

Good my mother, pardon. Now, mistress.

2701How chance you went not with Master Slender?

Why went you not with master doctor, maid?

You do amaze her. Hear the truth of it:

2704You would have married her most shamefully,

2705Where there was no proportion held in love.

2706The truth is, she and I – long since contracted –

2707Are now so sure that nothing can dissolve us.

2708Th'offence is holy that she hath committed,

2709And this deceit loses the name of craft,

2710Of disobedience, or unduteous title,

2711Since therein she doth evitate and shun

2712A thousand irreligious cursèd hours

2713Which forced marriage would have brought upon her.

[To Page and Mistress Page] Stand not amaz'd. Here is no remedy.

2715In love, the heavens themselves do guide the state,

2716Money buys lands, and wives are sold by fate.

[To Page and Mistress Page] I am glad, though you have ta'en a special stand 2718to strike at me, that your arrow hath glanced.

Well, what remedy? – Fenton, heaven give thee 2720joy,

What cannot be eschewd must be embraced.

TLN n="2721" />Falstaff

When night-dogs run, all sorts of deer are 2722chacsed.

Well, I will muse no further. Master Fenton,

2724Heaven give you many, many merry days.

2725 – Good husband, let us every one go home,

2726And laugh this sport o'er by a country fire,

2727Sir John and all.

Sir John and all. Let it be so, Sir John.

2729To Master Broom you yet shall hold your word,

2730For he tonight shall lie with Mistress Ford.