Bardolph, I say!

Here, sir.

Go, fetch me a quart of sack. Put a toast in't.

1684Have I lived to be carried in a basket like a barrow of 1685butcher's offal? And to be thrown in the Thames? Well, 1686if I be served such another trick, I'll have my brains 1687ta'en out and buttered, and give them to a dog for a 1688new-year's gift. The rogues slighted me into the river 1689with as little remorse as they would have drowned a 1690blind bitch's puppies, fifteen i'th litter. And you may 1691know by my size that I have a kind of alacrity in sink1692ing. If the bottom were as deep as hell, I should down. 1693I had been drowned, but that the shore was shelvy and 1694shallow – a death that I abhor, for the water swells a 1695man, and what a thing should I have been, when I 1696had been swelled? I should have been a mountain of 1697mummy.

Here's Mistress Quickly, sir, to speak with you.

Come, let me pour in some sack to the Thames 1700water, for my belly's as cold as if I had swallowed snow1701balls for pills to cool the reins. [He drinks.] Call her in.

Come in woman.

[To Bardolph?] By your leave, I cry you mercy! – 1704[To Falstaff] Give your worship good morrow.

[To Bardolph] Take away these challices. 1706Go, brew me a pottle of sack finely.

With eggs, sir?

Simple of itself. I'll no pullet-sperm in my 1709brewage. [Exit Bardolph with the tankards.] How now?

Marry, sir, I come to your worship from Mistress Ford.

Mistress Ford? I have had Ford enough: I was thrown 1712into the ford; I have my belly full of ford.

Alas the day, good-heart, that was not her 1714fault She does so take on with her men; they mistook 1715their erection.

So did I mine, to build upon a foolish woman's promise.

Well, she laments, sir, for it, that it would yearn 1718your heart to see it. Her husband goes this morning a-1719birding; she desires you once more to come to her, be1720tween eight and nine. I must carry her word quickly. 1721She'll make you amends, I warrant you.

Well, I will visit her, tell her so, and bid her 1723think what a man is. Let her consider his frailty, and 1724then judge of my merit.

I will tell her.

Do so. Betweene nine and ten sayst thou?

Eight and nine, sir.

Well, be gone. I will not miss her.

Peace be with you, sir.

I marvel I hear not of Master Broom. He sent me 1731word to stay within. I like his money well. 1732Oh, here he comes.

Bless you, sir.

Now, Master Broom, you come to know 1735What hath passed between me and Ford's wife.

That indeed, Sir John, is my business.

Master Broom, I will not lie to you. 1738I was at her house the hour she appointed me.

And sped you, sir?

Very ill-favoredly, Master Broom.

How so, sir? Did she change her determination?

No, Master Broom, but the peaking cornuto her hus1743band, Master Broom, dwelling in a continual larum of jelou1744sy, comes me in the instant of our encounter, after we had 1745embraced, kissed, protested, and (as it were) spoke the prologue 1746of our comedy, and at his heels a rabble of his compa1747nions, thither provoked and instigated by his distemper, 1748and, forsooth, to search his house for his wife's love.

What? While you were there?

While I was there.

And did he search for you and could not find you?

You shall hear. As good luck would have it, 1753comes in one Mistress Page, gives intelligence of Ford's ap1754proach, and in her invention and Ford's wife's distraction, 1755they conveyed me into a buck-basket.

A buck-basket?

Yes, a buck-basket! Rammed me in with foul 1758shirts and smocks, socks, foul stockings, greasy 1759napkins, that, Master Broom, there was the rankest 1760compound of villainous smell that ever offended no1761stril.

And how long lay you there?

Nay, you shall hear, Master Broom, what I suffered to bring this woman to evil for your 1765good. Being thus crammed in the basket, a couple of 1766Ford's knaves, his hinds, were called forth by their Mi1767stress to carry me in the name of foul clothes to 1768Datchet Lane. They took me on their shoulders; met 1769the iealous knave their master in the door, who 1770asked them once or twice what they had in their bas1771ket? I quaked for fear lest the lunatic knave 1772would have searched it, but Fate, ordaining he should 1773be a cuckold, held his hand. Well, on went he for 1774a search, and away went I for foule clothes. But 1775mark the sequel, Master Broom. I suffered the pangs 1776of three several deaths: first, an intollerable fright, 1777to be detected with a jealous rotten bell-wether; 1778Next to be compassed like a good bilbo in the circum1779ference of a peck, hilt to point, heel to head; and 1780then to be stopped in like a strong distillation with stink1781ing clothes that fretted in their own grease. 1782Think of that, a man of my didney! Think of that, 1783that am as subject to heat as butter, a man of conti1784nual dissolution and thaw. It was a miracle to scape 1785suffocation. And in the height of this bath – when I 1786was more then half stewed in grease, like a Dutch 1787dish, to be thrown into the Thames and 1788cooled, glowing-hot, in that surge like a horse1789shoe. Think of that! Hissing hot! Think of that, Master 1790Broom.

In good sadness, sir, I am sorry that for my sake 1792you have suffered all this. 1793My suit then is desperate. You'll undertake her no 1794more?

Master Broom, I will be thrown into Etna, 1796as I have been into Thames, ere I will leave her thus. 1797Her husband is this morning gone a-birding. I 1798have received from her another embassy of mee1799ting. 'Twixt eight and nine is the hour, Master 1800Broom.

'Tis past eight already, sir.

Is it? I will then address me to my appoint1803ment. Come to me at your convenient leisure, and 1804you shall know how I speed, and the conclusion, 1805shall be crowned with your enjoying her. Adieu. You 1806shall have her, Master Broom. Master Broom, you shall 1807cuckold Ford.

Hum1 Ha! Is this a vision? Is this a dream? 1809Do I sleep? Master Ford, awake! Awake, Master Ford! 1810There's a hole made in your best coat, Master Ford! This 1811'tis to be married; this 'tis to have linen and buck-1812baskets! Well, I will proclaim myself what I am. 1813I will now take the lecher. He is at my house. He 1814cannot scape me. 'Tis impossible he should. He can1815not creep into a halfpenny purse, nor into a pepper1816box. But lest the devil that guides him should 1817aid him, I will search impossible places! Though 1818what I am, I cannot avoid; yet to be what I would 1819not shall not make me tame. If I have horns to make 1820one mad, let the proverb go with me: I'll be horn-1821mad.