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  • Title: The Merry Wives of Windsor (Modern, Quarto)
  • Editor: Helen Ostovich
  • Markup editor: Janelle Jenstad
  • Coordinating editor: Janelle Jenstad

  • Copyright Helen Ostovich. This text may be freely used for educational, non-profit purposes; for all other uses contact the Editor.
    Editor: Helen Ostovich
    Not Peer Reviewed

    The Merry Wives of Windsor (Modern, Quarto)

    300 [Scene 3]
    Enter Sir John Falstaff, Host of the Garter, Nym, Bardolph, Pistol, and the Boy.
    Falstaff
    Mine host of the Garter.
    Host
    What says my bully rook? Speak scholarly and wisely.
    Falstaff
    Mine host, I must turn away some of my305 followers.
    Host
    Discard, bully Hercules, cashier. Let them wag, trot, trot.
    Falstaff
    I sit at ten pound a week.
    Host
    Thou art an emperor: Caesar, vizier, and Kaiser, bully.310 I'll entertain Bardolph. He shall tap, he shall draw. Said I well, bully Hector?
    Falstaff
    Do, good mine host.
    Host
    I have spoke. Let him follow. -- Bardolph, let me see thee froth and lime. I am at a word. Follow, follow.
    314.1 Exit Host.
    315 Falstaff
    Do, Bardolph; a tapster is a good trade. An old cloak will make a new jerkin, a withered servingman, a fresh tapster. Follow him, Bardolph.
    Bardolph
    I will, sir. I'll warrant you I'll make a good shift to live. [Exit.]
    Pistol
    O base gongarian wight, wilt thou the spigot wield?
    His mind is not heroic. And there's the humor of it.
    Falstaff
    Well my lads, I am almost out at the heels.
    Pistol
    Why then let kibes ensue.
    I thank thee for that humor.
    Falstaff
    Well, I am glad I am so rid of this tinder boy. His stealth was too open; his filching was like an unskilful singer: he kept not time.
    The good humor is to steal at a minute's rest.
    324.1 Pistol
    'Tis so indeed, Nym, thou hast hit it right.
    Falstaff
    Well, afore God, I must cheat, I must coney-catch. -- Which of you knows Ford of this town?
    Pistol
    I ken the wight; he is of substance good.
    Falstaff
    Well, my honest lads, I'll tell you what I am about.
    Pistol
    Two yards and more.
    335 Falstaff
    No gibes now, Pistol. Indeed I am two yards in the waist, but now I am about no waste. Briefly, I am about thrift, you rogues you! I do intend to make love to Ford's wife. I espy entertainment in her. She carves, she discourses, she gives the lure of invitation, and every part to be construed rightly is "I am Sir John Falstaff's."
    Pistol
    He hath studied her well, out of honesty
    Into English.
    345 Falstaff
    Now the report goes, she hath all the rule of her husband's purse. She hath legions of angels.
    Pistol
    As many devils attend her,
    And "To her, boy!", say I.
    Falstaff
    [Holds up two letters.] Here's a letter to her. Here's another to350 Mistress Page. who even now gave me good eyes too, examined my exteriors with such a greedy intentiom, with the beams of her beauty, that it seemed as she would 'a' scorched me up like a burning-glass. Here is another letter to her: she bears the purse too. They shall be exchequers to me, and I'll be cheaters to them both. They shall be my East and West Indies and I'll trade to them both. [Offering a letter to Pistol] Here, bear thou this letter to Mistress Ford. [Offering another to Nym] And thou this to Mistress Page. We'll thrive, lads, we will thrive.
    Pistol
    Shall I Sir Pandarus of Troy become?
    And by my sword wear steel?
    Then Lucifer take all. [He rejects the letter.]
    Here, take your humor letter again. For my part, I will keep the 'havior of reputation. And there's the humor of it.
    370 Falstaff
    [To the Boy] Here, sirrah, bear me these letters tightly;
    Sail like my pinnace to the golden shores.
    [To Pistol and Nym] Hence, slaves, avaunt! Vanish like hailstones, go!
    Falstaff will learn the humor of this age,
    375 French thrift, [To Pistol] you rogue, myself and skirted page.
    375.1 Exeunt Falstaff
    and the Boy.
    Pistol
    And art thou gone? Tester I'll have in pouch
    When thou shalt want, base Phrygian Turk!
    I have operations in my head, which are humors of revenge.
    Pistol
    Wilt thou revenge?
    By welkin and her fairies.
    Pistol
    By wit, or sword?
    With both the humors I will disclose this love to Page. I'll possess him with yellows,386.1 and there's the humor of it.
    Pistol
    And I to Ford will likewise tell
    How Falstaff, varlot vile,
    Would have her love, his dove would prove,
    390 And eke his bed defile.
    Nym
    Let us about it then.
    395 Pistol
    I'll second thee, Sir Corporal Nym, troop on!
    Exeunt.