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  • Title: The Merry Wives of Windsor (Modern, Quarto)
  • Editor: Helen Ostovich
  • Markup editor: Janelle Jenstad
  • Coordinating editor: Janelle Jenstad

  • Copyright Helen Ostovich. This text may be freely used for educational, non-profit purposes; for all other uses contact the Editor.
    Editor: Helen Ostovich
    Not Peer Reviewed

    The Merry Wives of Windsor (Modern, Quarto)

    [Scene 16]
    Enter Host and Simple.
    What would thou have, boor, what, thickskin? Speak, breathe, discuss -- short, quick, brief, snap!
    Simple
    Sir, I am sent from my master to Sir John Falstaff.
    Sir John, there's his castle, his standing bed, his trundle bed. His chamber is painted about with the story of the prodigal, fresh and new. Go, knock. He'll speak like an Anthropophaginian to thee. Knock, I say.!
    2230 Simple
    Sir, I should speak with an old woman that went up into his chamber.
    An old woman? The knight may be robbed. I'll call. -- Bully knight, bully Sir John! Speak from thy2235 lungs military. It is thine host, thy Ephesian, calls.
    Falstaff
    [Voice from above] Now, mine host.
    Here is a Bohemian Tartar, bully, tarries the coming down of the fat woman. Let her descend,2240 bully, let her descend! My chambers are honorable -- pah, privacy, fie!
    Falstaff
    [From above] Indeed, mine host, there was a fat woman with me, but she is gone.
    2243.1 Enter Sir John [Falstaff].
    Simple
    Pray, sir, was it not the wise woman of2245 Brentford?
    Falstaff
    Marry, was it, mussel shell? What would you?
    Simple
    Marry, sir, my Master Slender sent me to her, to know whether one Nym, that hath his chain, cozened him of it or no.
    Falstaff
    I talked with the woman about it.
    Simple
    And I pray, sir, what says she?
    Falstaff
    Marry, she says the very same man that2255 beguiled Master Slender of his chain cozened him of it.
    2270 Simple
    May I be bold to tell my master so, sir?
    Falstaff
    Ay, tyke, who more bold?
    Simple
    I thank you, sir. I shall make my master a glad man at these tidings. God be with you, sir. [Exit.]
    Thou art clerkly, Sir John, thou art clerkly.2275 Was there a wise woman with thee?
    Falstaff
    Marry, was there, mine host, one that taught me more wit than I learned this seven year, and I paid nothing for it, but was paid for my learning.
    2278.1 Enter Bardolph [covered in mud].
    2280 Bardolph
    Oh, lord, sir, cozenage, plain cozenage!
    Why, man, where be my horses? Where be2281.1 the Germans?
    Bardolph
    Rid away with your horses. After I came beyond Maidenhead, they flung me in a slough of mire, and away they ran.
    2284.1 Enter Doctor.
    Where be my Host de Garteer?
    Oh, here, sir, in perplexity.
    I cannot tell vad be dad, but, begar, I will tell you van ting: Dere be a Garmaine duke come to de court,2303.1 has cozened all de host of Bren'ford and Reading! Begar, I tell you for good will! Ha, ha, mine host, am I even met you?
    Exit.
    Enter Sir Hugh.
    Where is mine Host of the Garter? Now, my Host, I would desire you, look you now,2292.1 to have a care of your entertainments, for there is three sorts of cozen-garmombles is cozen all the host of Maidenhead and Readings.2295 Now you are an honest man, and a scurvy2295.1 beggarly lousy knave beside, and can point wrong places. I tell you for good will, and grate why, mine host.
    Exit.
    I am cozened -- hue and cry, Bardolph! [Exit Bardolph.] Sweet knight, assist me, I am cozened!
    Exit.
    Falstaff
    Would all the worl' were cozened for me,2310 for I am cozened and beaten too. Well, I never prospered since I forswore myself at primero. An my wind were but long enough to say my prayers, I'd repent.
    2318.1 Enter Mistress Quickly.
    Now, from whence come you?
    2320 Quickly
    From the two parties, forsooth.
    Falstaff
    The devil take the one party, and his dam the other, and they'll be both bestowed. I have endured more for their sakes than man is able to endure.
    2325 Quickly
    Oh, lord, sir, they are the sorrowful'st creatures that ever lived, specially Mistress Ford. Her husband hath beaten her that she is all black and blue, poor soul.
    Falstaff
    What, tellest me of black and blue? I have been beaten all the colors in the rainbow, and in my escape like to ha' been apprehended for a witch of Brentford, and set in the stocks.
    Quickly
    Well sir, she is a sorrowful woman, and I hope when you hear my errand, you'll be persuaded to the contrary.
    Falstaff
    Come, go with me into my chamber. I'll hear thee.
    Exeunt.