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- Edition: As You Like It
Everyman In His Humor (Modern)
- Introduction
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Now trust me, Prospero, you were much to blame
No harm done, brother, I warrant you. Since there is no 1946harm done, anger costs a man nothing, and a tall man is never his 1947own man till he be angry. To keep his valor in obscurity is to 1948keep himself, as it were, in a cloakbag. What's a musician unless he play? 1949What's a tall man unless he fight? For, indeed, all this my brother stands 1950upon absolutely, and that made me fall in with him so resolutely.
Ay, but what harm might have come of it!
Might? So might the good warm clothes your husband wears be 1953poisoned, for anything he knows, or the wholesome wine he drunk even now at 1954the table.
Now, God forbid! [Aside] Oh, me, now I remember:
Oh, strange humor! My very breath hath poisoned him.
[To Thorello] Good brother, be content. What do you mean?
Beshrew your heart-blood, brother Prospero,
Is a fit simile a toy? Will he be poisoned with 1969a simile? -- Brother Thorello, what a strange and vain imagination is this! For 1970shame, be wiser. Of my soul, there's no such matter.
Am I not sick? How am I then not poisoned?
If you be sick, your own thoughts make you sick.
His jealousy is the poison he hath taken.
Signor Thorello, my master, Doctor Clement, salutes you and desires to speak with you with all speed possible.
No time but now? Well, I'll wait upon His Worship. -- 1978Piso! Cob! [Aside] I'll seek them out and set them sentinels till I 1979return. -- Piso! Cob! Piso!
Exit.
[Privately to Musco] Musco, this is rare. But how got'st thou this apparel of the Doctor's man?
Marry, sir, my youth would needs bestow the wine of me 1982to hear some martial discourse, where I so marshalled him that I made him 1983monstrous drunk. And because too much heat was the cause of his distemper, I 1984stripped him stark naked, as he lay along asleep, and borrowed his suit to 1985deliver this counterfeit message in, leaving a rusty armor and an old brown bill 1986to watch him till my return -- which shall be when I have pawned 1987his apparel and spent the money, perhaps.
Well, thou art a mad knave, Musco. His absence will be 1989a good subject for more mirth. I pray thee, return to thy young master 1990Lorenzo and will him to meet me and Hesperida at the Friary presently; for 1991here, tell him, the house is so stirred with jealousy that there is no 1992room for love to stand upright in. But I'll use such means she shall 1993come thither, and that, I think, will meet best with his desires. Hie thee, good Musco.
I go, sir.
Exit.
Ho, Piso! Cob! Where are these villains, trow?
Most true, sir.
Thanks, gentle Piso. Where is Cob, now? -- Cob!
He's ever calling for Cob. I wonder how he employs Cob so.
Indeed, sister, to ask how he employs Cob is a necessary 2020question for you that are his wife and a thing not very easy for 2021you to be satisfied in. But this I'll assure you: Cob's wife is an 2022excellent bawd, indeed, and oftentimes your husband haunts her house -- marry, to what 2023end I cannot altogether accuse him. Imagine you what you think convenient. But I 2024have known fair hides have foul hearts ere now, I can tell you.
Never said you truer than that, brother. -- Piso, fetch your 2026cloak and go with me; I'll after him presently. I would to Christ I 2027could take him there, i'faith!
Exeunt Piso and Bianca.
So, let them go. This may make sport anon. -- Now, 2029my fair sister Hesperida: ah, that you knew how happy a thing it were 2030to be fair and beautiful!
That toucheth not me, brother.
That's true; that's even the fault of it. For, indeed, beauty 2033stands a woman in no stead unless it procure her touching. But sister, whether 2034it touch you or no, it touches your beauties, and I am sure they 2035will abide the touch. An they do not, a plague of all ceruse, say 2036I! And it touches me too in part, though not in the --. Well, 2037there's a dear and respected friend of mine, sister, stands very strongly affected towards 2038you, and hath vowed to inflame whole bonfires of zeal in his heart in 2039honor of your perfections. I have already engaged my promise to bring you where 2040you shall hear him confirm much more than I am able to lay down 2041for him. Signor Lorenzo is the man. What say you, sister? Shall I entreat 2042so much favor of you for my friend as to direct and attend you 2043to his meeting? Upon my soul, he loves you extremely. Approve it, sweet Hesperida, will you?
Faith, I had very little confidence in mine own constancy if 2045I durst not meet a man. But brother Prospero, this motion of yours savors 2046of an old knight-adventurer's servant, methinks.
What's that, sister?
Marry, of the squire.
No matter, Hesperida, if it did. I would be such an one for my friend. But say, will you go?
Brother, I will, and bless my happy stars.
Why, what villainy is this? My man gone on a false 2053message, and run away when he has done? Why, what trick is there in 2054it, trow?
How? Is my wife gone forth? Where is she, sister?
She's gone abroad with Piso.
Abroad with Piso? Oh, that villain dors me!
I know not, sir.
I'll tell you, brother, whither I suspect she's gone.
Whither, for God's sake?
To Cob's house, I believe; but keep my counsel.
I will, I will. To Cob's house? Doth she haunt Cob's?
Exit.
[To Hesperida] But did you, mistress, see my man bring him a message?
That we did, Master Doctor.
And whither went the knave?
To the tavern, I think, sir.
What, did Thorello give him anything to spend for the message 2074he brought him? If he did, I should commend my man's wit exceedingly if 2075he would make himself drunk with the joy of it. Farewell, lady. Keep good 2076rule, you two, I beseech you now. By God's marry, my man makes me laugh!
Exit.
What a mad doctor this is! Come, sister, let's away.
Exeunt.