Not Peer Reviewed
- Edition: As You Like It
Everyman In His Humor (Modern)
- Introduction
- Texts of this edition
- Contextual materials
- Facsimiles
Ha! How many are there, sayest thou?
Marry, sir, your brother, Signor Prospero.
Tut, beside him: what strangers are there, man?
Strangers? Let me see: one, two -- mass, I know not well, there's so many.
How? So many?
Ay, there's some five or six of them at the most.
[Aside] A swarm, a swarm!
But a little while, sir.
Didst thou come running?
No, sir.
Tut, then, I am familiar with thy haste.
Like enough, yet I heard not a word of welcome.
[Aside] No, their lips were sealed with kisses, and the voice,
By my troth, sir, will you have the truth of it?
Oh, ay, good Cob, I pray thee.
God's my judge, I saw nobody to be kissed, unless they 1416would have kissed the post in the middle of the warehouse. For there I 1417left them all at their tobacco -- with a pox!
How? Were they not gone in, then, ere thou cam'st?
Oh, no, sir.
Spite of the devil! What do I stay here, then?
Exit Thorello.
Nay, soft and fair! I have eggs on the spit; I 1423cannot go yet, sir. Now am I for some divers reasons hammering, hammering revenge. 1424Oh, for three or four gallons of vinegar to sharpen my wits! Revenge, vinegar 1425revenge, russet revenge! Nay, an he had not lain in my house, 'twould never 1426have grieved me. But being my guest -- one that, I'll be sworn, my 1427wife has lent him her smock off her back while his own shirt ha' 1428been at washing, pawned her neckerchers for clean bands for him, sold almost all 1429my platters to buy him tobacco -- and yet to see an ingratitude wretch strike his host! Well, I hope to raise up an host of Furies for't. Here comes Master Doctor.
What, 's Signor Thorello gone?
Ay, sir.
Heart of me, what made him leave us so abruptly?
[Seeing 1435Cob] How now, sirrah, what make you here? What would you have, ha?
An't please Your Worship, I am a poor neighbor of Your Worship's.
A neighbor of mine, knave?
Ay, sir, at the sign of the water-tankard, hard by the 1439Green Lattice. I have paid scot and lot there any time this eighteen years.
What, at the Green Lattice?
No, sir, to the parish. Marry, I have seldom scaped scot-free at the Lattice.
So. But what business hath my neighbor?
An't like Your Worship, I am come to crave the peace 1444of Your Worship.
Of me, knave?. Peace of me, knave? Did I e'er hurt 1446thee? Did I ever threaten thee? Or wrong thee? Ha?
No, God's my comfort, I mean Your Worship's warrant for one 1448that hath wronged me, sir. His arms are at too much liberty. I would 1449fain have them bound to a treaty of peace, an I could by any 1450means compass it.
Why, dost thou go in danger of thy life for him?
No, sir, but I go in danger of my death every 1453hour by his means. An I die within a twelvemonth and a day, I 1454may swear by the laws of the land that he killed me.
How, how, knave? Swear he killed thee? What pretext, what color hast thou for that?
Marry, sir, both black and blue -- color enough, I warrant you. I have it here to show Your Worship.
What is he that gave you this, sirrah?
A gentleman in the city, sir.
A gentleman? What call you him?
Signor Bobadilla.
Good. But wherefore did he beat you, sirrah? How began the quarrel 'twixt you, ha? Speak truly, knave, I advise you.
Marry, sir, because I spake against their vagrant tobacco as I came by them; for nothing else.
Ha? You speak against tobacco? -- Peto, his name.
What's your name, sirrah?
Oliver Cob, sir. Set Oliver Cob, sir.
[To Peto] Tell Oliver Cob he shall go to the jail.
Oliver Cob, Master Doctor says you shall go to the jail.
Oh, I beseech Your Worship, for God's love, dear Master Doctor!
Nay, God's precious, an such drunken knaves as you are come 1471to dispute of tobacco once, I have done. -- Away with him!
Oh, good Master Doctor!
[To Lorenzo Sr.] Sweet gentleman!
Sweet Oliver, would I could do thee any good. -- Master Doctor, let me entreat, sir.
What? A tankard-bearer, a threadbare rascal, a beggar, a slave that 1475never drunk out of better than pisspot metal in his life? And he to 1476deprave and abuse the virtue of an herb so generally received in the courts 1477of princes, the chambers of nobles, the bowers of sweet ladies, the cabins of 1478soldiers? Peto, away with him, by God's passion. I say, go to.
Dear Master Doctor!
Alas, poor Oliver!
Peto, ay, and make him a warrant. -- He shall not go; I but fear the knave.
Oh, divine doctor! Thanks, noble doctor, most dainty doctor, delicious doctor!
Exeunt Peto with Cob.
Signor Lorenzo, God's pity, man, be merry, be merry, leave these dumps.
Troth, would I could, sir; but enforcd mirth,
Nay, but good signor, hear me a word, hear me a 1493word. Your cares are nothing; they are like my cap, soon put on and 1494as soon put off. What, your son is old enough to govern himself; let 1495him run his course. It's the only way to make him a staid man. 1496If he were an unthrift, a ruffian, a drunkard, or a licentious liver, then 1497you had reason, you had reason to take care; but being none of these, 1498God's passion, an I had twice so many cares as you have, I'd drown 1499them all in a cup of sack. Come, come. I muse your parcel of a soldier returns not all this while.