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- Edition: The Merry Wives of Windsor
The Merry Wives of Windsor (Modern, Folio)
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1899[4.2]
1900Enter Falstaff [and] Mistress Ford.
1902Falstaff
Miistress Ford, your sorrow hath eaten up my suffe1903rance; I see you are obsequious in your love, and I pro1904fess requital to a hair's breadth, not only, Mistress Ford, 1905in the simple office of love, but in all the accoutrement, 1906complement, and ceremony of it. But are you sure of 1907your husband now?
1908Mistress Ford
He's a birding, sweet Sir John.
1909Mistress Page
[Within] What ho, gossip Ford! What ho!
1910Mistress Ford
Step into th'chamber, Sir John.
Enter Mistress Page.
1911Mistress Page
How now, sweetheart, whose at home 1912besides yourself?
1913Mistress Ford
Why, none but mine own people.
1914Mistress Page
Indeed?
1915Mistress Ford
No, certainly. [Aside to Mistress Page] Speak louder.
1916Mistress Page
Truly, I am so glad you have nobody here.
1917Mistress Ford
Why?
1918Mistress Page
Why, woman, your husband is in his old 1919lines again. He so takes on yonder with my husband, so 1920rails against all married mankind, so curses all Eve's 1921daughters of what complexion soever, and so buffets 1922himself on the forehead, crying "Peer out, peer out," 1923that any madness I ever yet beheld seemed but tame1924ness, civility, and patience to this his distemper he is in 1925now. I am glad the fat knight is not here.
1926Mistress Ford
Why, does he talk of him?
1927Mistress Page
Of none but him, and swears he was ca1928rried out, the last time he searched for him, in a basket; 1929protests to my husband he is now here, and hath drawn 1930him and the rest of their company from their sport to 1931make another experiment of his suspicion. But I am glad 1932the knight is not here. Now he shall see his own foo1933lery.
1934Mistress Ford
How near is he, Mistress Page?
1935Mistress Page
Hard by, at street end. He will be here anon.
1936Mistress Ford
I am undone! The knight is here.
1937Mistress Page
Why then you are utterly shamed, and he's 1938but a dead man. What a woman are you? Away with 1939him, away with him! Better shame than murder.
1940Mistress Ford
Which way should he go? How should I 1941bestow him? Shall I put him into the basket again?
[Enter Falstaff.]
1942Falstaff
No, I'll come no more i'th'basket. 1943May I not go out ere he come?
1944Mistress Page
Alas, three of Master Ford's brothers watch 1945the door with pistols, that none shall issue out. Other1946wise you might slip away ere he came. But what make 1947you here?
1948Falstaff
What shall I do? I'll creep up into the chimney.
1949Mistress Ford
There they always use to discharge their 1950birding-pieces.
Mistress Page
Creep into the kiln-hole.
1951Falstaff
Where is it?
1952Mistress Ford
He will seek there, on my word: Neither 1953press, coffer, chest, trunk, well, vault, but he hath 1954an abstract for the remembrance of such places, and goes 1955to them by his note. There is no hiding you in the 1956house.
1957Falstaff
I'll go out then.
1958Mistress Ford
If you go out in your own semblance, 1959you die, Sir John – unless you go out disguised.
1960Mistress Ford
How might we disguise him?
1961Mistress Page
Alas the day, I know not. There is no wo1962man's gown big enough for him. Otherwise he might 1963put on a hat, a muffler, and a kerchief, and so escape.
1964Falstaff
Good hearts, devise something, any extremity, 1965rather than a mischief.
1966Mistress Ford
My maid's aunt, the fat woman of Brain1967ford, has a gown above.
1968Mistress Page
On my word it will serve him\! She's as 1969big as he is, and there's her thrummed hat, and her muffler 1970too. – Run up, Sir John.
1971Mistress Ford
Go, go, sweet Sir John. Mistress Page and 1972I will look some linen for your head.
1973Mistress Page
Quick, quick, we'll come dress you 1974straight. Put on the gown the while.
[Exit Falstaff.]
1975Mistress Ford
I would my husband would meet him 1976in this shape. He cannot abide the old woman of Brain1977ford. He swears she's a witch, forbad her my house, and 1978hath threatened to beat her.
1979Mistress Page
Heaven guide him to thy husband's cud1980gel, and the devil guide his cudgel afterwards.
1981Mistress Ford
But is my husband coming?
1982Mistress Page
Ay, in good sadness, is he, and talks of the 1983basket too, howsoever he hath had intelligence.
1984Mistress Ford
Wee'll try that, for I'll appoint my men to 1985carry the basket again, to meet him at the door with 1986it, as they did last time.
1987Mistress Page
Nay, but he'll be here presently. Let's go 1988dress him like the witch of Brainford.
1989Mistress Ford
I'll first direct my men what they 1990shall do with the basket. Go up. I'll bring linen for 1991him straight.
[Exit Mistress Ford.]
1992Mistress Page
Hang him, dishonest varlet! 1993We cannot misuse enough.
1994We'll leave a proof by that which we will do.
1995Wives may be merry, and yet honest too.
1996We do not act that often jest and laugh.
1997'Tis old, but true: "Still swine eats all the draff."
[Enter Mistress Ford with her two Servants carrying the basket.]
1998Mistress Ford
Go, sirs, take the basket again on your 1999shoulders. Your master is hard at door. If he bid you 2000set it down, obey him. Quickly, dispatch.
[Exit Mistress Ford.]
20011 Servant
Come, come, take it up.
20022 Servant
Pray heaven it be not full of knight again.
20031 Servant
I hope not. I had lief as bear so much lead.
[They lift the basket.]
Enter Ford, Page, Shallow, Caius, and Evans.
2004Ford
Ay, but if it prove true, Master Page, have you any 2005way then to unfool me again? – [To 1 Servant] Set down the basket, 2006villain. [They put down the basket.] – Somebody call my wife. – [To the basket] Youth in a basket! 2007[To the Servants] Oh, you panderly rascals! There's a knot, a gin, a pack, 2008a conspiracy against me. Now shall the devil be shamed. 2009 -- What, wife, I say! Come, come forth! Behold what ho2010nest clothes you send forth to bleaching.
2011Page
Why, this passes, Master Ford. You are not to go 2012loose any longer. You must be pinioned.
2013Evans
Why, this is lunatics! This is mad as a 2014mad dog.
2015Shallow
Indeed, Master Ford, this 's not well indeed.
2016Ford
So say I too, sir. -- Come hither, Mistress Ford, Mi 2017stress Ford the honest woman, the modest wife, the virtu2018ous creature, that hath the jealous fool to her husband. 2019I suspect without cause, mistress, do I?
2020Mistress Ford
Heaven be my witness, you do, if you 2021suspect me in any dishonesty.
2022Ford
Well said, brazen-face, hold it out! -- [He opens the basket and begins to toss out the linens.] Come forth, 2023sirrah.
2024Page
This passes.
2025Mistress Ford
Are you not ashamed, let the clothes alone.
2026Ford
I shall find you anon.
2027Evans
'Tis unreasonable! \Will you take up your wife's 2028clothes? Come, away.
2029Ford
To the Servants] Empty the basket, I say.
2030Mistress Ford
Why, man, why?
2031Ford
Master Page, as I am a man, there was one con2032veyed out of my house yesterday in this basket. Why 2033may not he be there again? In my house I am sure he is. 2034My intelligence is true; my jealousy is reasonable. [To the Servants] Pluck 2035me out all the linen.
2036Mistress Ford
If you find a man there, he shall die a flea's 2037death.
2038Page
Here's no man.
2039Shallow
By my fidelity this is not well, Master Ford. This 2040wrongs you.
2041Evans
Master Ford, you must pray, and not follow the 2042imaginations of your own heart. This is jealousies.
2043Ford
Well, he's not here I seek for.
2044Page
No, nor nowhere else but in your brain.
2045Ford
Help to search my house this one time. If I find 2046not what I seek, show no color for my extremity. Let 2047me forever be your table-sport. Let them say of me, "As 2048jealous as Ford, that searched a hollow walnut for his 2049wife's leman." Satisfy me once more. Once more search 2050with me.
[Mistress Ford calls above, as the Servants replace the linens in the basket and carry it out.]
2051Mistress Ford
What ho, Mistress Page, come you and 2052the old woman down. My husband will come into the 2053chamber.
2054Ford
Old woman? What old woman's that?
2055Mistress Ford
Why, it is my maid's aunt of Brainford.
2056Ford
A witch, a \quean, an old cozening quean! 2057Have I not forbid her my house? She comes of errands, 2058does she? We are simple men, we do not know what's 2059brought to pass under the profession of fortune-telling. 2060She works by charms, by spells, by th'figure, and such 2061daubery as this is, beyond our element. We know no2062thing. – Come down, you witch, you hag you, come 2063downe, I say.
[He picks up his cudgel.]
2064Mistress Ford
Nay, good sweet husband -- Good gentle2065men, let him not strike the old woman.
2066Mistress Page
[Within] Come, Mother Pratt. Come, give me your 2067hand.
[Enter Mistress Page and Falstaff disguised as "Mother Pratt."]
2068Ford
I"ll Pratt her! [To "Mother Pratt" beating frenziedly] Out of my door, you witch, 2069you rag, you baggage, you polecat, you runion, 2070out, out! I'll conjure you, I'll fortune-tell you!
[Exit Falstaff disguised as "Mother Pratt" running.]
2071Mistress Page
[To Ford] Are you not ashamed? 2072I think you have killed the poor woman.
2073Mistress Ford
Nay he will do it -- 'tis a goodly credit 2074for you.
2075Ford
Hang her, witch.
2076Evans
By yea and no, I think the 'oman is a witch in 2077deed. I like not when a 'oman has a great peard; I spied 2078a great peard under his muffler.
2079Ford
Will you follow, gentlemen? I beseech you, fol2080low. See but the issue of my jealousy. If I cry out thus 2081upon no trail, never trust me when I open again.
2082Page
[To the other gentlemen] Let's obey his humor a little further. 2083Come, gentlemen.
[Exeunt Page, Caius, Shallow, Evans, and Ford.]
2084Mistress Page
Trust me, he beat him most pitifully.
2085Mistress Ford
Nay, by th'mass, that he did not. He beat 2086him most unpitifully, methought.
2087Mistress Page
I'll have the cudgel hallowed, and hung 2088o'er the altar. It hath done meritorious service.
2089Mistress Ford
What think you? May we with the war2090rant of womanhood and the witness of a good consci2091ence, pursue him with any further revenge?
2092Mistress Page
The spirit of wantonness is sure scared out 2093of him. If the devil have him not in fee-simple with 2094fine and recovery, he will never, I think, in the way of 2095waste attempt us again.
2096Mistress Ford
Shall we tell our husbands how we have 2097served him?
2098Mistress Page
Yes, by all means, if it be but to scrape 2099the figures out of your husband's brains. If they can find 2100in their hearts the poor unvirtuous fat knight shall be 2101any further afflicted, we two will still be the mini2102sters.
2103Mistress Ford
I'll warrant they'll have him publicly 2104shamed, and methinks there would be no period to the 2105jest, should he not be publicly shamed.
2106Mistress Page
Come, to the forge with it, then shape it. 2107I would not have things cool.
Exeunt