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- Edition: Twelfth Night
Twelfth Night (Modern)
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10152.5
Come thy ways, Signor Fabian.
Nay, I'll come! If I lose a scruple of this sport, 1019let me be boiled to death with melancholy.
Wouldst thou not be glad to have the 1021niggardly rascally sheep-biter come by some notable shame?
I would exult, man! You know he brought me out 1023o'favor with my lady, about a bear-baiting here.
To anger him we'll have the bear again, and 1025we will fool him black and blue--shall we not, Sir 1026Andrew?
An we do not, it is pity of our lives.
Here comes the little villain! How now, my 1030metal of India?
Get ye all three into the box-tree. Malvolio's 1032coming down this walk; he has been yonder i'the 1033sun practicing behavior to his own shadow this half 1034hour. Observe him, for the love of mockery, for I know 1035this letter will make a contemplative idiot of him. Close, 1036in the name of jesting! [The men hide.] Lie thou there; [Placing the letter on the stage] for here comes 1037the trout that must be caught with tickling.
2.5.8.1Exit.
[To the audience] 'Tis but fortune, all is fortune. Maria once 1040told me she did affect me, and I have heard herself come 1041thus near, that should she fancy, it should be one of 1042my complexion. Besides, she uses me with a more 1043exalted respect than anyone else that follows her. What 1044should I think on't? [He struts about the stage.]
[Aside to Sir Toby and Fabian] [and the audience.] Here's an overweening rogue!
[Aside] Oh, peace! Contemplation makes a rare 1047turkey-cock of him; how he jets under his advanced plumes!
[Aside] 'Slight, I could so beat the rogue!
[Aside] Peace, I say!
To be Count Malvolio!
[Aside] Ah, rogue!
[Aside] Pistol him, pistol him!
[Aside] Peace, peace!
There is example for't: the Lady of the 1055Strachy married the yeoman of the wardrobe.
[Aside] Fie on him, Jezebel!
[Aside] Oh, peace, now he's deeply in. Look how 1058imagination blows him.
Having been three months married to her, 1060sitting in my state--
[Aside] Oh, for a stone-bow to hit him in the eye!
--calling my officers about me, in my branched 1063velvet gown, having come from a day-bed, where I 1064have left Olivia sleeping--
[Aside] Fire and brimstone!
[Aside] Oh, peace, peace!
--and then to have the humor of state, and after 1068a demure travel of regard--telling them I know my 1069place, as I would they should do theirs--to ask for my 1070kinsman Toby.
[Aside] Bolts and shackles!
[Aside] Oh, peace, peace, peace![Malvolio walks near the letter.] Now, now!
Seven of my people, with an obedient start, 1074make out for him. I frown the while, and perchance 1075wind up my watch, or play with my--[Realizing he is playing with his steward's chain] some rich jewel. 1076Toby approaches; curtsies there to me--
[Aside] Shall this fellow live!
[Aside] Though our silence be drawn from us with cars, 1079yet peace!
--I extend my hand to him, thus; quenching my 1081familiar smile with an austere regard of control--
[Aside] And does not Toby take you a blow o'the lips 1083then?
--saying, "Cousin Toby, my fortunes having cast 1085me on your niece give me this prerogative of speech--"
[Aside] What, what!
"--you must amend your drunkenness."
[Aside] Out, scab!
[Aside] Nay, patience, or we break the sinews of our 1090plot!
"Besides, you waste the treasure of your time 1092with a foolish knight--"
[Aside] That's me, I warrant you.
"--one Sir Andrew."
[Aside] I knew 'twas I, for many do call me fool.
[Seeing and then taking up the letter] What employment have we here?
[Aside] Now is the woodcock near the gin.
[Aside] Oh, peace, and the spirit of humors intimate 1099reading aloud to him.
[To the audience, as he examines the outside of the letter] By my life, this is my lady's hand: these be her 1101very C's, her U's, and her T's, and thus makes she her 1102great P's. It is, in contempt of question, her hand.
[Aside] Her C's, her U's, and her T's--why that?
[Reading]
"To the unknown belovèd, this, and my good wishes."
1105Her very phrases! [Starting to break the seal] By your leave, wax. [Pausing] Soft! And the 1106impressure her Lucrece, with which she uses to seal. 'Tis my 1107lady! To whom should this be?
2.5.48.1[He breaks the seal and opens the letter.]
[Aside] This wins him, liver and all.
2.5.54"No man must know." What follows? 1111The numbers altered. "No man must know." 1112If this should be thee, Malvolio!
[Aside] Marry, hang thee, brock!
[Reading]
"I may command, where I adore,
2.5.58With bloodless stroke my heart doth gore;
[Aside] A fustian riddle.
[Aside] Excellent wench, say I.
"M.O.A.I. doth sway my life." Nay, but first 1121let me see, let me see, let me see.
[Aside] What dish o'poison has she dressed him!
[Aside] And with what wing the staniel checks at it!
"I may command, where I adore." Why, she may 1125command me: I serve her, she is my lady. Why, this is 1126evident to any formal capacity. There is no obstruction 1127in this. And the end--what should that alphabetical 1128position portend? If I could make that resemble something 1129in me! Softly. "M.O.A.I."
[Aside] Oh, ay, make up that! He is now at a cold scent.
[Aside] Sowter will cry upon't for all this, though it be 1132as rank as a fox.
"M." Malvolio! "M," why that begins my name!
[Aside] Did not I say he would work it out? The cur 1135is excellent at faults.
"M." But then there is no consonancy in the sequel. 1137That suffers under probation: "A" should follow, but "O" 1138does.
[Aside] And "O" shall end, I hope.
[Aside] Ay, or I'll cudgel him, and make him cry "O"!
And then "I" comes behind.
[Aside] Ay, an you had any eye behind you, you might 1143see more detraction at your heels than fortunes before 1144you.
"M.O.A.I." This simulation is not as the former; 1146and yet to crush this a little, it would bow to me, for 1147every one of these letters are in my name. Soft, here 1148follows prose.
2.5.75.1[Reading]
"If this fall into thy hand, revolve. In my stars 1149I am above thee, but be not afraid of greatness. Some 1150are born great, some achieve greatness, and some 1151have greatness thrust upon 'em. Thy fates open their hands, 1152let thy blood and spirit embrace them; and to 1153inure thyself to what thou art like to be, cast thy humble 1154slough, and appear fresh. Be opposite with a kinsman, 1155surly with servants; let thy tongue tang arguments of 1156state; put thyself into the trick of singularity. She 1157thus advises thee, that sighs for thee. Remember who 1158commended thy yellow stockings, and wished to see thee 1159ever cross-gartered. I say remember. Go to, thou art 1160made if thou desir'st to be so. If not, let me see thee 1161a steward still, the fellow of servants, and not worthy to 1162touch Fortune's fingers. Farewell.
2.5.78 The Fortunate-Unhappy."
2.5.79Daylight and 1164champaign discovers not more! This is open. I will be 1165proud, I will read politic authors, I will baffle Sir 1166Toby, I will wash off gross acquaintance, I will be 1167point-device the very man. I do not now fool myself, to let 1168imagination jade me; for every reason excites to this, 1169that my lady loves me. She did commend my yellow 1170stockings of late, she did praise my leg being 1171cross-gartered, and in this she manifests herself to my love, and 1172with a kind of injunction drives me to these habits of 1173her liking. I thank my stars, I am happy. I will be 1174strange, stout, in yellow stockings, and cross-gartered, 1175even with the swiftness of putting on. Jove and my 1176stars be praised! Here is yet a postscript. [Reading]
2.5.81.1Exit.
I will not give my part of this sport for a 1183pension of thousands to be paid from the Sophy.
I could marry this wench for this device--
So could I too.
--and ask no other dowry with her, but such 1187another jest.
Nor I neither.
Here comes my noble gull-catcher.
[Abasing himself on the stage] Wilt thou set thy foot o'my neck?
[Following suit as Sir Toby rises] Or o'mine either?
Shall I play my freedom at tray-trip, and become 1194thy bondslave?
I'faith, or I either?
Why, thou hast put him in such a dream that 1197when the image of it leaves him he must run mad.
Nay, but say true, does it work upon him?
Like aqua-vitae with a midwife.
If you will then see the fruits of the sport, mark 1201his first approach before my lady. He will come to her 1202in yellow stockings, and 'tis a color she abhors, and 1203cross-gartered, a fashion she detests; and he will smile 1204upon her, which will now be so unsuitable to her 1205disposition, being addicted to a melancholy as she is, that it 1206cannot but turn him into a notable contempt. If you will 1207see it, follow me.
2.5.95.1[Exit.]
To the gates of Tartarus, thou most excellent devil 1209of wit!
2.5.96.1[Exit following Maria.]
I'll make one too.
2.5.97.1[Exit following them both.]