Internet Shakespeare Editions

Author: William Shakespeare
Editor: Melissa Walter
Not Peer Reviewed

Two Gentlemen of Verona (Modern)

2.5.
Enter Speed and Lance [with his dog, Crab].
Speed
Lance, by mine honesty, welcome to Padua.
Lance
Forswear not thy self, sweet youth, for I am 875not welcome. I reckon this always, that a man is never undone till he be hanged, nor never welcome to a place till some certain shot be paid, and the hostess say welcome.
Speed
Come on, you madcap. I'll to the alehouse 880with you presently, where, for one shot of five pence, thou shalt have five thousand welcomes. But sirrah, how did thy master part with Madam Julia?
Lance
Marry after they closed in earnest, they parted very fairly in jest.
885Speed
But shall she marry him?
Lance
No.
Speed
How then? Shall he marry her?
Lance
No, neither.
Speed
What, are they broken?
890Lance
No, they are both as whole as a fish.
Speed
Why then, how stands the matter with them?
Lance
Marry thus, when it stands well with him, it stands well with her.
Speed
What an ass art thou. I understand thee not.
895Lance
What a block art thou, that thou canst not! My staff understands me.
Speed
What thou sayst?
Lance
Ay, and what I do too. Look thee, I'll but lean, and my staff understands me.
900Speed
It stands under thee indeed.
Lance
Why, stand-under and under-stand is all one.
Speed
But tell me true, will't be a match?
Lance
Ask my dog, if he say Ay, it will; if he say no, it will; if he shake his tail, and say nothing, it 905will.
Speed
The conclusion is, then, that it will.
Lance
Thou shalt never get such a secret from me, but by a parable.
Speed
'Tis well that I get it so. But Lance, how sayst 910thou that my master is become a notable lover?
Lance
I never knew him otherwise.
Speed
Then how?
Lance
A notable lubber, as thou reportest him to be.
915Speed
Why, thou whoreson ass, thou mistak'st me,
Lance
Why fool, I meant not thee, I meant thy master.
Speed
I tell thee, my master is become a hot lover.
Lance
Why, I tell thee, I care not, though he burn 920himself in love. If thou wilt, go with me to the ale- house. If not, thou art a Hebrew, a Jew, and not worth the name of a Christian.
Speed
Why?
Lance
Because thou hast not so much charity in thee as 925to go to the ale with a Christian. Wilt thou go?
Speed
At thy service.
Exeunt.