How now? Zounds, it did me good to see how 1555I did triumph over the Frenchmen.

Whoop, Derick! How dost thou?

What, John! Comedevales! Alive yet?

I promise thee, Derrick, I scaped hardly, 1561for I was within half a mile when one was killed.

Were you so?

Ay, trust me, I had like been slain.

But once killed, why, it is nothing! 1565I was four or five times slain.

Four or five times slain! 1567Why, how couldst thou have been alive now?

Oh, John, never say so, 1569for I was called the bloody soldier amongst them all.

Why, what didst thou?

Why, I will tell thee, John. 1572Every day when I went into the field 1573I would take a straw and thrust it into my nose 1574and make my nose bleed, and then I would go into the field, 1575and when the captain saw me he would say, 1576"Peace, a bloody soldier," and bid me stand aside, 1577whereof I was glad. 1578But mark the chance, John. 1579I went and stood behind a tree -- but mark then, John. 1580I thought I had been safe, but on a sudden 1581there steps to me a lusty tall Frenchman. 1582Now he drew, and I drew. 1583Now I lay here, and he lay there. 1584Now I set this leg before, and turned this backward, 1585and skipped quite over a hedge, 1586and he saw me no more there that day. 1587And was not this well done, John?

Mass, Derick, thou hast a witty head.

Ay, John, thou mayst see, if thou hadst taken my counsel -- 1590but what hast thou there? 1591I think thou hast been robbing the Frenchmen.

Ay, faith, Derrick, I have gotten some reparel 1593to carry home to my wife.

And I have got some shoes, 1595for I'll tell thee what I did. When they were dead, 1596I would go take off all their shoes.

Ay, but Derrick, how shall we get home?

Nay, zounds, an they take thee 1599they will hang thee. 1600O John, never do so. If it be thy fortune to be hanged, 1601be hanged in thy own language whatsoever thou dost.

Why, Derrick, the wars is done. 1603We may go home now.

Ay, but you may not go before you ask the king leave. 1605But I know a way to go home and ask the king no leave.

How is that, Derrick?

Why, John, thou knowest the duke of York's 1608funeral must be carried into England, dost thou not?

Ay, that I do.

Why, then, thou knowest we'll go with it.

Ay, but Derrick, how shall we do for to meet them?

Zounds, if I make not shift to meet them, hang me. 1613Sirrah, thou know'st that in every town there will 1614be ringing and there will be cakes and drink. 1615Now, I will go to the clerk and sexton 1616and keep a-talking, and say, "Oh, this fellow rings well," 1617and thou shalt go and take a piece of cake. Then I'll ring, 1618and thou shalt say, "Oh, this fellow keeps a good stint," 1619and then I will go drink to thee all the way. 1620But I marvel what my dame will say when we come home, 1621because we have not a French word to cast at a dog 1622by the way.

Why, what shall we do, Derrick?

Why, John, I'll go before and call my dame whore, 1625and thou shalt come after and set fire on the house. 1626We may do it, John, for I'll prove it, 1627because we be soldiers.

Derrick, help me to carry my shoes and boots.