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  • Title: The Famous Victories of Henry V (Modern)
  • Editor: Mathew Martin

  • Copyright Queen's Men Editions. This text may be freely used for educational, non-profit purposes; for all other uses contact the Editor.
    Author: Anonymous
    Editor: Mathew Martin
    Peer Reviewed

    The Famous Victories of Henry V (Modern)

    [Scene 5]
    Enter Derrick and John Cobbler.
    Derrick Zounds, masters, here's ado, when princes must go to prison! Why, John, didst ever see the like?
    John Oh, Derrick, trust me, I never saw the like.
    420Derrick Why, John, thou mayest see what princes be in choler. A judge a box on the ear! I'll tell thee, John, O John, I would not have done it for twenty shillings.
    John No, nor I. There had been no way but one with us: we should have been hanged.
    425Derrick Faith, John, I'll tell thee what. Thou shalt be my lord chief justice, and thou shalt sit in the chair, and I'll be the young prince and hit thee a box on the ear, and then thou shalt say, "to teach you what prerogatives mean, I commit you to the Fleet."
    430John Come on, I'll be your judge. But thou shalt not hit me hard?
    Derrick No, no.
    [John sits in the lord chief justice's chair.]
    John What hath he done?
    Derrick Marry, he hath robbed Derrick.
    435John Why, then, I cannot let him go.
    Derrick I must needs have my man.
    John You shall not have him.
    Derrick Shall I not have my man? Say "No" an you dare! How say you, shall I not have my man?
    440John No, marry, shall you not.
    Derrick Shall I not, John?
    John No, Derrick.
    Derrick Why, then, take you that 'til more come. [Derrick gives John a box on the ear] Zounds, shall I not have him?
    445John Well, I am content to take this at your hand, but, I pray you, who am I?
    Derrick Who art thou? Zounds, dost not know thyself?
    John No.
    Derrick Now away, simple fellow! 450Why man, thou art John the Cobbler.
    John No, I am my Lord Chief Justice of England.
    Derrick Oh, John, mass, thou say'st true, thou art indeed.
    John Why, then, to teach you what prerogatives mean I commit you to the Fleet.
    455Derrick Well, I will go, but, i'faith, you grey-beard knave, I'll course you.
    Exit and straight enters again.
    O John, come, come out of thy chair! Why, what a clown wert thou to let me hit thee a box on the ear, and now thou seest they will not take me to the Fleet! I think that 460thou art one of these workaday clowns.
    John But I marvel what will become of thee.
    Derrick Faith, I'll be no more a carrier.
    John What wilt thou do, then?
    Derrick I'll dwell with thee and be a cobbler.
    465John With me? Alas, I am not able to keep thee. Why, thou wilt eat me out of doors.
    Derrick O John, no John, I am none of these great slouching fellows that devour these great pieces of beef and brewis. Alas, a trifle serves me. A woodcock, a chicken, 470or a capon's leg, or any such little thing serves me.
    John A capon! Why, man, I cannot get a capon once a year, except it be at Christmas at some other man's house, for we cobblers be glad of a dish of roots.
    Derrick Roots? Why, are you so good at rooting? 475Nay, cobbler, we'll have you ringed.
    John But, Derrick,
    Though we be so poor,
    Yet will we have in store
    A crab in the fire,
    With nut-brown ale,
    That is full stale,
    Which will a man quail,
    And lay in the mire!
    480Derrick A bots on you! An't be but for your ale, I'll dwell with you. Come, let's away as fast as we can.