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  • Title: Everyman In His Humor (Modern)
  • Editor: David Bevington

  • Copyright David Bevington. This text may be freely used for educational, non-profit purposes; for all other uses contact the Editor.
    Author: Ben Jonson
    Editor: David Bevington
    Not Peer Reviewed

    Everyman In His Humor (Modern)

    [Enter Musco alone [wearing the gown and carrying the mace of a "varlet" or arresting officer].
    Musco Well, of all my disguises yet, now am I most like myself, being in this varlet's suit. A man of my present profession never counterfeits till he lay hold upon a debtor and says he 'rests him, for then he brings him to all manner of unrest. A kind of little kings we 2250are, bearing the diminutive of a mace made like a young artichoke that always carries pepper and salt in itself. Well, I know not what danger I undergo by this exploit. Pray God I come well off.
    [Enter Bobadilla and Matheo.
    Matheo See, I think yonder is the varlet.
    2255Bobadilla Let's go in quest of him.
    [To Musco]
    God save you, friend. Are not you here by the appointment of Doctor Clement's man?
    Musco Yes, an please you, sir. He told me two gentlemen had willed him to procure an arrest upon one Signor Giuliano by a warrant from his master, which I have about me.
    2260Matheo It is honestly done of you both. And see where he comes you must arrest. Upon him, for God's sake, before he be ware!
    [Enter Stephano [wearing Giuliano's cloak].
    Bobadilla Bear back, Matheo!
    Musco Signor Giuliano, I arrest you, sir, in the duke's name.
    2265Stephano Signor Giuliano? Am I Signor Giuliano? I am one Signor Stephano, I tell you, and you do not well, by God's lid, to arrest me, I tell you truly. I am not in your master's books, I would you should well know. Ay, and a plague of God on you for making me afraid thus!
    Musco Why, how are you deceived, gentlemen!
    2270Bobadilla He wears such a cloak, and that deceived us. But see, here 'a comes. Officer, this is he.
    [Enter Giuliano.
    Giuliano [To Stephano] Why, how now, Signor Gull, are you turned filcher of late? Come, deliver my cloak.
    Stephano Your cloak, sir? I bought it even now in the market.
    Musco Signor Giuliano, I must arrest you, sir.
    2275Giuliano Arrest me, sir? At whose suit?
    Musco At these two gentlemen's.
    Giuliano I obey thee, varlet; but for these villains --
    Musco Keep the peace, I charge you, sir, in the duke's name, sir.
    Giuliano What's the matter, varlet?
    2280Musco You must go before Master Doctor Clement, sir, to answer what these gentlemen will object against you. Hark you, sir, I will use you kindly.
    [To Giuliano]
    We'll be even with you, sir. -- Come, Signor Bobadilla, we'll go before and prepare the Doctor. -- Varlet, look to him.
    Bobadilla The varlet is a tall man, by Jesu.
    2285Giuliano Away, you rascals!
    Exeunt Bobadilla and Matheo.
    [To Stephano] Signor, I shall have my cloak.
    Stephano Your cloak? I say once again I bought it, and I'll keep it.
    Giuliano You will keep it?
    Stephano Ay, that I will.
    [To Musco]
    Varlet, stay! Here's thy fee. Arrest him.
    [He gives Musco money.]
    Musco Signor Stephano, I arrest you.
    Stephano Arrest me? There, take your cloak; I'll none of it.
    Giuliano Nay, that shall not serve your turn. -- Varlet, bring him away. I'll go with thee now to the Doctor's. And carry him along.
    2295Stephano Why, is not here your cloak? What would you have?
    Giuliano I care not for that.
    Musco I pray you, sir.
    Giuliano Never talk of it. I will have him answer it.
    Musco Well, sir, then I'll leave you. I'll take this gentleman's word for his appearance, as I have done yours.
    2300Giuliano Tut, I'll have no words taken. Bring him along to answer it.
    Musco Good sir, I pity the gentleman's case. Here's your money again.
    Giuliano God's bread, tell not me of my money. Bring him away, I say.
    Musco I warrant you, he will go with you of himself.
    Giuliano Yet more ado?
    2305Musco [Aside] I have made a fair mash of it.
    Stephano Must I go?