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  • Title: Everyman In His Humor (Modern)
  • Editor: David Bevington

  • Copyright David Bevington. This text may be freely used for educational, non-profit purposes; for all other uses contact the Editor.
    Author: Ben Jonson
    Editor: David Bevington
    Not Peer Reviewed

    Everyman In His Humor (Modern)

    [Enter Lorenzo Sr.
    Lorenzo Sr.
    Oh, here it is. I am glad I have found it now.
    2145[He knocks.] Ho! Who is within here?
    [Enter Tib [opening the door slightly].
    I am within, sir. What's your pleasure?
    Lorenzo Sr.
    To know who is within besides yourself.
    Why, sir, you are no constable, I hope?
    2150Lorenzo Sr.
    Oh, fear you the constable? Then I doubt not
    You have some guests within deserve that fear.
    I'll fetch him straight.
    I'God's name, sir!
    Lorenzo Sr.
    Go to. Tell me, is not the young Lorenzo here?
    Young Lorenzo? I saw none such, sir, of mine honesty.
    Lorenzo Sr.
    Go to, your honesty flies too lightly from you.
    There's no way but fetch the constable.
    The constable? The man is mad, I think.
    Claps to the door. [Lorenzo Sr. starts to leave.]
    2160[Enter Piso and Bianca. [Lorenzo Sr. stands aside, unseen by them.]
    Ho! Who keeps house here?
    Lorenzo Sr.
    [Aside] Oh, this is the female copesmate of my son.
    Now shall I meet him straight.
    Knock, Piso, pray thee.
    [Knocking] Ho, good wife!
    [Within] Why, what's the matter with you?
    Why, woman, grieves it you to ope your door?
    Belike you get something to keep it shut.
    [Enter Tib.
    What mean these questions, pray ye?
    So strange you make it?
    Is not Thorello, my tried husband, here?
    Lorenzo Sr.
    [Aside] Her husband?
    I hope he needs not to be tried here.
    No, dame, he doth it not for need, but pleasure.
    Neither for need nor pleasure is he here.
    Lorenzo Sr.
    [Aside] This is but a device to balk me withal. Soft, who's this?
    [Enter Thorello. [Bianca runs to him.]
    Oh, sir, have I forestalled your honest market?
    2180Found your close walks? You stand amazed now, do you?
    I'faith, I am glad I have smoked you yet at last.
    What's your jewel, trow? In, come, let's see her.
    [To Tib] Fetch forth your huswife, dame! [To Thorello] If she be fairer,
    In any honest judgment, than myself,
    2185I'll be content with it. But she is change,
    She feeds you fat, she soothes your appetite,
    And you are well? Your wife, an honest woman,
    Is meat twice sod to you, sir? Ah, you treacher!
    Lorenzo Sr.
    [Aside] She cannot counterfeit this palpably.
    [To Bianca] Out on thee, more than strumpet's
    Steal'st thou thus to thy haunts? And have I taken
    Thy bawd and thee and thy companion,
    [Pointing to Lorenzo Sr.]
    2195This hoary-headed lecher, this old goat,
    Close at your villainy? And wouldst thou 'scuse it
    With this stale harlot's jest, accusing me?
    [To Lorenzo Sr.] Oh, old incontinent, dost thou not shame,
    When all thy powers' inchastity is spent,
    2200To have a mind so hot, and to entice
    And feed the enticements of a lustful woman?
    Out! I defy thee, I, dissembling wretch!
    Defy me, strumpet?
    [He points to Piso.] Ask thy pander here.
    Can he deny it? [He points to Lorenzo Sr.] Or that wicked elder?
    2205Lorenzo Sr.
    Why, hear you, signor --
    Tut, tut, never speak.
    Thy guilty conscience will discover thee.
    Lorenzo Sr.
    What lunacy is this that haunts this man?
    [Enter Giuliano.
    Oh, sister, did you see my cloak?
    Not I, I see none.
    God's life, I have lost it, then. Saw you Hesperida?
    Hesperida? Is she not at home?
    No, she is gone abroad, and nobody can tell me of it at home.
    O heaven! Abroad? What, light? A harlot too?
    Why, why? Hark you, hath she, hath she not a brother,
    A brother's house to keep, to look unto,
    But she must fling abroad? My wife hath spoiled her.
    She takes right after her; she does, she does.
    2220[To Tib] Well, you goody bawd and --
    [Enter Cob [unobserved at first by the others].
    That make your husband such a hoddy-doddy!
    [To Piso and Lorenzo Sr.] And you, young apple-squire, and old cuckold-maker,
    I'll have you every one before the Doctor.
    2225Nay, you shall answer it. I charge you, go.
    Lorenzo Sr.
    Marry, with all my heart; I'll go willingly.
    How have I wronged myself in coming here!
    [To Thorello] Go with thee? I'll go with thee to thy shame, I warrant thee.
    Why, what's the matter? What's here to do?
    [Seeing Cob] What, Cob, art thou here? Oh, I am abused,
    And in thy house. Was never man so wronged!
    'Slid, in my house? Who wronged you in my house?
    Marry, young-lust-in-old and old-in-young, here.
    Thy wife's their bawd; here have I taken them.
    [To Tib] Do you hear? Did I not charge you keep your doors shut here, and do you let them lie open for all comers? (Cob beats his wife.) [She fights back.] Do you scratch?
    Lorenzo Sr.
    Friend, have patience. If she have done wrong in this, let her answer it before the magistrate.
    [To Tib] Ay, come, you shall go afore the Doctor.
    Nay, I will go. I'll see an you may be allowed to beat your poor wife thus at every cuckoldly knave's pleasure. The devil and the pox take you all for me! Why do you not go now?
    A bitter quean. Come, we'll have you tamed.