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  • Title: Everyman In His Humor (Modern)
  • Editor: David Bevington

  • Copyright David Bevington. This text may be freely used for educational, non-profit purposes; for all other uses contact the Editor.
    Author: Ben Jonson
    Editor: David Bevington
    Not Peer Reviewed

    Everyman In His Humor (Modern)

    1755[Enter Lorenzo Sr. [and] Peto, meeting Musco [still disguised as a soldier].
    Was your man a soldier, sir?
    Lorenzo Sr.
    Ay, a knave. I took him up begging upon the way, this morning as I was coming to the city.
    [He sees Musco.]
    Oh, here he is. -- Come on, you make fair speed.
    1760Why, where on God's name have you been so long?
    Marry, God's my comfort, where I thought I should have had little comfort of Your Worship's service.
    Lorenzo Sr.
    How so?
    Oh, God, sir! Your coming to the city, and your entertainment of me, and your sending me to watch -- indeed, all the circumstances are 1765as open to your son as to yourself.
    Lorenzo Sr.
    How should that be? Unless that villain Musco
    Have told him of the letter and discovered
    All that I strictly charged him to conceal? 'Tis so.
    I'faith, you have hit it; 'tis so, indeed.
    1770Lorenzo Sr.
    But how should he know thee to be my man?
    Nay, sir, I cannot tell, unless it were by the black art. Is not your son a scholar, sir?
    Lorenzo Sr.
    Yes, but I hope his soul is not allied
    To such a devilish practice. If it were,
    I had just cause to weep my part in him
    1775And curse the time of his creation.
    But where didst thou find them, Portensio?
    Nay, sir, rather you should ask where they found me, for I'll be sworn I was going along in the street, thinking nothing, when of a sudden one calls, "Signor Lorenzo's man!" Another, he cries, "Soldier!" And thus half a dozen 1780of them, till they had got me within doors, where I no sooner came but out flies their rapiers and, all bent against my breast, they swore some two or three hundred oaths, and all to tell me I was but a dead man if I did not confess where you were, and how I was employed, and about what. Which, when they could not get out of me -- 1785as God's my judge, they should have killed me first -- they locked me up into a room in the top of a house, where by great miracle, having a light heart, I slid down by a bottom of packthread into the street and so scaped. But master, thus much I can assure you, for I heard it while I was locked up: there were a great many merchants and 1790rich citizens' wives with them at a banquet, and your son, Signor Lorenzo, has pointed one of them to meet anon at one Cob's house, a waterbearer's, that dwells by the wall. Now there you shall be sure to take him, for fail he will not.
    Lorenzo Sr.
    Nor will I fail to break this match, I doubt not.
    Well, go thou along with Master Doctor's man,
    1795And stay there for me. At one Cob's house, say'st thou?
    Ay, sir, there you shall have him.
    Exit [Lorenzo Sr.].
    [Aside] When, can you tell? Much wench or much son! 'Sblood, when he has stayed there three or four hours, travailing with the expectation of 1800somewhat, and at the length be delivered of nothing -- oh, the sport that I should then take to look on him if I durst! But now I mean to appear no more afore him in this shape; I have another trick to act yet. Oh, that I were so happy as to light upon an ounce now of this doctor's clerk! [To Peto] God save you, sir.
    I thank you, good sir.
    I have made you stay somewhat long, sir.
    Not a whit, sir. I pray you, what, sir, do you mean? You have been lately in the wars, sir, it seems.
    Ay, marry, have I, sir.
    Troth, sir, I would be glad to bestow a pottle of wine of you, if it please you to accept it --
    Oh, Lord, sir!
    But to hear the manner of your services and your devices in the wars. They say they be very strange, and not like those a man reads in the Roman histories.
    Oh, God, no, sir. Why, at any time when it please 1815you I shall be ready to discourse to you what I know. [Aside] And more too, somewhat.
    No better time than now, sir. We'll go to the Mermaid. There we shall have a cup of neat wine. I pray you, sir, let me request you.
    I'll follow you, sir. [Aside] He is mine own, i'faith.