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The Merry Wives of Windsor (Modern, Quarto)

[Scene 18]
Enter Sir John [Falstaff] with a buck's head upon him.
Falstaff
This is the third time. Well, I'll venture. They say there is good luck in odd numbers. Jove transformed himself into a bull, and I am here a stag, and I think the fattest in all Windsor Forest. Well, I stand here2494.1 for Horn the hunter, waiting my doe's coming.
Enter Mistress Page and Mistress Ford.
Mistress Page
Sir John, where are you?
Falstaff
[To Mistress Ford] Art thou come, my doe? -- [To Mistress Page] What, and thou too?2499.1 Welcome, ladies.
Mistress Ford
Ay, ay, Sir John, I see you will not fail; therefore you deserve far better than our loves! But it grieves me for your late crosses.
2499.5 Falstaff
This makes amends for all.2505 Come, divide me between you, each a haunch. For my horns, I'll bequeath them to your husbands! Do I speak like Horn the hunter, hah?
2511.1 There is a noise of horns.
Mistress Page
God forgive me, what noise is this?
The two women run away.
Enter Sir Hugh like a satyr [with a lighted taper] and Boys dressed like fairies, [as is Anne Page] also with tapers [unlit]; Mistress Quickly like the Queen of Fairies. They sing a song [circling] about [Sir Hugh], and afterward [Quickly and Sir Hugh] speak.
Quickly
You fairies that do haunt these shady groves,
2519.1 Look round about the wood if you can espy
A mortal that doth haunt our sacred round.
If such a one you can espy, give him his due,
And leave not till you pinch him black and blue.
2519.5 Give them their charge, Puck, ere they part away.
Evans
[To 1 Fairy] Come hither, Pean. Go to the country
houses,
And when you find a slut that lies asleep,
And all her dishes foul and room unswept,
2519.10 With your long nails pinch her till she cry
And swear to mend her sluttish housewifery.
1 Fairy
I warrant you I will perform your will.
Evans
Where is Pead?
[2 Fairy steps forward.]
Go you and see where brokers sleep,
2531.1 And fox-eyed sergeants with their mace.
Go lay the proctors in the street,
And pinch the lousy sergeants' face:
Spare none of these when they are abed,
2531.5 But such whose nose looks plue and red.
Quickly
Away, begone! His mind fulfil,
And look that none of you stand still.
Some do that thing, some do this,
All do something, none amiss.
Evans
I smell a man of middle earth.
Falstaff
[Aside] God bless me from that Welsh fairy!
2563.1 Quickly
Look, everyone, about this round,
And if that any here be found,
For his presumption in this place,
Spare neither leg, arm, head, nor face.
2563.5 Evans
See I have spied one by good luck,
His body man, his head a buck.
Falstaff
[Aside] God send me good fortune now, and I care not.
Quickly
Go straight and do as I command,
And take a taper in your hand,
And set it to his fingers' ends,
2567.1 And if you see it him offends,
And that he starteth at the flame,
2568.1 Then is he mortal. Know his name.
If with an F it doth begin,
2570 Why then be sure he is full of sin.
2570.1 About it then, and know the truth
Of this same metamorphized youth.
Evans
Give me the tapers:
[He lights their candles.]
I will try
An if that he love venery.
2570.5 They put the tapers to his fingers, and he starts.
Evans
It is right indeed -- he is full of lecheries
2574.1 and iniquity.
Quickly
A little distant from him stand,
And everyone take hand in hand,
And compass him within a ring.
2574.5 First pinch him well, and after sing.
Here they pinch him and sing about him, and the Doctor comes one way and steals away a boy in red; and
Slender, another way, he takes a boy in green; and Fenton steals Mistress Anne, being in white. And2574.10 a noise of hunting is made within; and all the fairies run away. Falstaff pulls off his buck's head, and rises up. And enter Master Page, Master Ford, and their wives, Master Shallow, [and] Sir Hugh.
Falstaff
Horn the hunter, quoth you: am I a ghost?
2574.15 'Sblood the fairies hath made a ghost of me!
What, hunting at this time at night?
I'll lay my life the mad Prince of Wales is stealing his father's deer. How now, who have we here? What, is all Windsor stirring? -- [To Shallow] Are you there?
2574.20 Shallow
God save you, Sir John Falstaff.
Evans
God pless you, Sir John, God pless you.
Page
Why, how now, Sir John! What, a pair of horns in your hand?
Ford
Those horns he meant to place upon my head,
2595 And Master Brook and he should be the men!
2595.1 Why, how now, Sir John? Why are you thus amazed?
We know the fairies' man that pinched you so,
Your throwing in the Thames, your beating well,
And what's to come, Sir John, that can we tell!
2595.5 Mistress Page
Sir John, 'tis thus. Your dishonest means
To call our credits into question,
Did make us undertake to our best
To turn your lewd lust to a merry jest.
Falstaff
Jest? 'Tis well. Have I lived to these years2595.10 to be gulled now, now to be ridden? Why, then, these were not fairies?
Mistress Page
No, Sir John, but boys.
Falstaff
By the lord, I was twice or thrice in the mind they were not, and yet the grossness Of the foppery persuaded me they were.2608.1 Well, an the fine wits of the court hear this, they'll so whip me with their keen jests, that they'll melt me out like tallow, drop by drop, out of my grease. Boys!
Evans
Ay, trust me, boys, Sir John, and I was also a fairy that did help to pinch you.
2614.1 Falstaff
Ay, 'tis well: I am your May-pole. You have the start of me. Am I ridden too with a Welsh goat? With a piece of toasted cheese?
2625 Evans
Butter is better than cheese, Sir John. You are all butter, butter.
2626.1 Ford
There is a further matter yet, Sir John: there's twenty pound you borrowed of Master Brook, Sir John,2651.1 and it must be paid to Master Ford, Sir John.
Mistress Ford
Nay, husband, let that go to make amends.
Forgive that sum, and so we'll all be friends.
Ford
[Offering to shake hands] Well, here is my hand. All's forgiven at last.
2651.5 Falstaff
It hath cost me well. I have been well pinched and washed.
Enter the Doctor.
Mistress Page
Now Master Doctor, son I hope you are.
Caius
Son, begar, you be de vile voman.2651.10 Begar, I tink to marry Metress Anne, and, begar, 'tis a whoreson garçon jack boy.
Mistress Page
How, a boy?
Caius
Ay, begar, a boy.
Page
Nay, be not angry, wife, I'll tell thee true,2651.15 it was my plot to deceive thee so, and by this time your daughter's married to Master Slender, and see where he comes.
Enter Slender.
Now, son Slender,2651.20 where's your bride?
Slender
Bride, by God's lid, I think there's never a man in the worl' hath that cross fortune that I have. By God I could cry for very anger.
Page
Why, what's the matter, son Slender?
2651.25 Slender
Son? Nay, by God, I am none of your son!
Page
No, why so?
Slender
Why, so God save me, 'tis a boy that I have married.
Page
How, a boy? Why, did you mistake the word?
Slender
No neither, for I came to her in red as you2651.30 bade me, and I cried "mum" and he cried "budget" so well as ever you heard, and I have married him.
Evans
Jeshu, Master Slender, cannot you see but marry boys?
Page
Oh, I am vexed at heart! What shall I do?
[Enter Fenton and Anne.]
2651.35 Mistress Page
Here comes the man that hath deceived us all.
How now, daughter, where have you been?
Anne
At church,
Forsooth.
Page
At church! What have you done there?
Fenton
Married to me -- nay, sir, never storm.
2651.40 'Tis done, sir, now, and cannot be undone.
Ford
I'faith, Master Page, never chafe yourself.
She hath made her choice whereas her heart was fixed;
Then 'tis in vain for you to storm or fret.
Falstaff
I am glad yet that your arrow hath glanced
2717.1 Mistress Ford
Come, Mistress Page, I'll be bold with you.
'Tis pity to part love that is so true.
Mistress Page
Although that I have missed in my intent,
Yet I am glad my husband's match was crossed.
[She joins Anne's hand to Fenton's.]
2717.5 Here, Master Fenton, take her, and God give thee joy.
Evans
Come, Master Page, you must needs agree.
Ford
I'faith, sir, come. You see your wife's well pleased
Page
I cannot tell, and yet my heart's well eased,
And yet it doth me good the Doctor missed.
2717.10 Come hither, Fenton, and come hither, daughter.
Go to, you might have stayed for my good will,
But since your choice is made of one you love,
Here take her, Fenton, and both happy prove.
Evans
I will also dance and eat plums at your weddings.
2717.15 Ford
All parties pleased, now let us in to feast,
And laugh at Slender and the Doctor's jest.
[Indicating Fenton] He hath got the maiden, [Indicating Caius and Slender] each of you a boy
To wait upon you. So God give you joy.
And, Sir John Falstaff, now shall you keep your word,
For Brook this night shall lie with Mistress Ford. [Exeunt omnes.]
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