What, have scaped love-letters in the 555holiday-time of my beauty, and am I now a subject 556for them? Let me see!

568What a Herod of Jewry is this? Oh, wicked, wicked world! 569One that is well-nigh worn to pieces with age 570to show himself a young gallant? What an unweighed 571behavior hath this Flemish drunkard picked, with 572the devil's name, out of my conversation, that he dares 573in this manner assay me? Why, he hath not been thrice 574in my company. What should I say to him? I was then 575frugal of my mirth. Heaven forgive me! Why, I'll 576exhibit a bill in the Parliament for the putting down 577of men. How shall I be revenged on him? For revenged I 578will be, as sure as his guts are made of puddings!

Mistress Page, trust me, I was going to your 580house.

And trust me, I was coming to you. You 582look very ill.

Nay, I'll ne'er believe that; I have to show 584to the contrary.

'Faith but you do in my mind.

Well, I do then. Yet I say, I could show 587you to the contrary. Oh, Mistress Page, give me some 588counsel.

What's the matter, woman?

Oh, woman, if it were not for one trifling re591spect, I could come to such honor.

Hang the trifle, woman, take the honor! 593What is it? Dispence with trifles! What is it?

If I would but go to hell for an eternal 595moment or so, I could be knighted.

What? Thou liest! Sir Alice Ford? These 597knights will hack and so thou shouldst not alter the ar598ticle of thy gentry.

We burn daylight. Here, read, read!

600Perceive how I might be knighted. I shall think the 601worse of fat men as long as I have an eye to make diffe602rence of men's liking. And yet he would not swear, 603praise women's modesty, and gave such orderly and well-604behaved reproof to all uncomeliness, that I would have 605sworn his disposition would have gone to the truth of 606his words. But they do no more adhere and keep place 607together than the hundred psalms to the tune of "Green608sleeves". What tempest, I trow, threw this whale, with 609so many tuns of oil in his belly, ashore at Windsor? 610How shall I be revenged on him? I think the best way 611were to entertain him with hope till the wicked fire 612of lust have melted him in his own grease. Did you e613ver heare the like?

Letter for letter – but that the name of 615Page and Ford differs. To thy great comfort in this my616stery of ill opinions, here's the twin-brother of thy let617ter.

but let thine inherit first, for I protest} mine never 618shall. I warrant he hath a thousand of these letters writ 619with blank space for different names – sure, more, and 620these are of the second edition: he will print them, out 621of doubt, for he cares not what he puts into the press, 622when he would put us two. I had rather be a giantess, 623and lie under Mount Pelion! Well; I will find you twen624ty lascivious turtles ere one chaste man.

Why, this is the very same, the very hand, 626the very words! What doth he think of us?

Nay, I know not. It makes me almost rea628dy to wrangle with mine own honesty. I'll entertain 629myself like one that I am not acquainted withal. For 630sure, unless he know some strain in me that I know 631not myself, he would never have boarded me in this 632fury.

Boarding, call you it? I'll be sure to keep 634him above deck.

So will I. If he come under my hatches, 636I'll never to sea again. Let's be revenged on him. Let's 637appoint him a meeting, give him a show of comfort in 638his suit, and lead him on with a fine baited delay, till he 639hath pawned his horses to mine host of the Garter.

Nay, I will consent to act any villainy against 641him that may not sully the chariness of our honesty. Oh, 642that my husband saw this letter! It would give eternal 643food to his jealousy.

Why, look where he comes, and my good 645man too. He's as far from jealousy as I am from gi646ving him cause, and that, I hope, is an unmeasurable di647stance.

You are the happier woman.

Let's consult together against this greasy 650knight. Come hither.

Well. I hope it be not so.

Hope is a curtal dog in some affairs.

653Sir John affects thy wife.

Why, sir, my wife is not young.

He woos both high and low, both rich and poor,

656Both young and old, one with another, Ford.

He loves the 657gallimaufry, Ford, perpend.

Love my wife?

With liver burning hot! Prevent,

660Or go thou, like Sir Acteon he, with

661Ringwood at thy heels. Oh, odious's the name!

What name, sir?

The horn, I say. Farewell.

664Take heed, have open eye, for thieves do foot by night.

665Take heed, ere summer comes, or cuckoo-birds do sing.

666-- Away, Sir Corporal Nym.

667-- Believe it, Page. He speaks sense.

[Aside] I will be patient. I will find out this.

And this is true: I like not the humor of lying: 670he hath wronged me in some humors. I should have 671borne the humored letter to her, but I have a sword, 672and it shall bite upon my necessity. He loves your wife. 673There's the short and the long. My name is Corporal 674Nym. I speak, and I avouch: 'tis true. My name is Nym 675and Falstaff loves your wife. Adieu, I love not the hu676mor of bread and cheese. AdiEvans

[Aside] The humor of it, quoth 'a? Here's a fellow 678frights English out of his wits.

[Aside] I will seek out Falstaff.

[Aside] I never heard such a drawling, affecting rogue.

[Aside] If I do find it – well.

[Aside] I will not believe such a Cathayan, though the 683priest o'th'yown commended him for a true man.

[Aside]'Twas a good sensible fellow – well.

How now, Meg?

Whether go you, George? Hark you.

How now, sweet Frank, why art thou me688lancholy?

I, melancholy? I am not melancholy. 690Get you home. Go.

Faith, thou hast some crochets in thy head, 692now. -- Will you go, Mistress Page?

Have with you! -- You'll come to dinner, 694George? -- [Aside to Mistress Ford] Look who comes yonder. She shall be our 695messenger to this paltry knight.

Trust me, I thought on her. She'll fit it.

[To Mistress Quickly] You are come to see my daughter Anne?

Ay, forsooth, and I pray how does good Mistress 699Anne?

Go in with us and see. We have an hour's 701talk with you.

How now, Master Ford?

You heard what this knave told me, did you not?

Yes, and you heard what the other told me?

Do you think there is truth in them?

Hang 'em, slaves! I do not think the knight 707would offer it. But these that accuse him in his intent 708towards our wives are a yoke of his discarded men, ve709ry rogues, now they be out of service.

Were they his men?

Marry, were they.

I like it never the better for that. 713Does he lie at the Garter?

Ay, marry, does he. If he should intend this voy715age toward my wife, I would turn her loose to him, 716and what he gets more of her than sharp words, let it 717lie on my head.

I do not misdoubt my wife, but I would be 719loath to turn them together. A man may be too confi720dent. I would have nothing lie on my head. I cannot 721be thus satisfied.

Look where my ranting host of the Garter 723comes. There is either liquor in his pate, or money in his 724purse, when he looks so merrily. -- How now, mine 725host?

How now, bully rook? Thou'rt a gentleman -- 727[Calling] Cavaleiro justice, I say!

I follow, mine host, I follow. – Good even 729and twenty, good Master Page. Master Page, will you go 730with us? We have sport in hand.

Tell him, cavaliero justice, tell him, bully 732rook.

Sir, there is a fray to be fought between Sir 734Hugh the Welsh priest and Caius the French doctor.

Good mine host o'th' Garter, a word with you.

What sayst thou, my bully rook?

Will you goe with us to behold it? My merry 738host hath had the measuring of their weapons, and, I 739thinke, hath appointed them contrary places. For, be740lieve me, I hear the parson is no jester. Hark, I will 741tell you what our sport shall be.

[To Ford] Hast thou no suit against my knight, my guest 743cavalier?

None, I protest, but I'll give you a pottle of 745burned sack to give me recourse to him, and tell him 746my name is Broom – only for a jest.

My hand, bully! Thou shalt have egress and 748regress (said I well?) and thy name shall be Broom. It 749is a merry knight. [To all] Will you go, mijnheers?

Have with you, mine host.

I have heard the Frenchman hath good skill 752in his rapier.

Tut, sir, I could have told you more. In these 754times you stand on distance: your passes, stoccadoes, and 755I know not what. 'Tis the heart, Master Page, 'tis here, 756'tis here. I have seen the time, with my long-sword, I 757would have made you four tall fellows skip like 758rats.

Here, boys, here, here! Shall we wag?

Hace with you! I had rather hear them scold 761than fight.

Though Page be a secure fool and stands so 763firmly on his wife's frailty, yet I cannot put off my o764pinion so easily. She was in his company at Page's house, 765and what they made there, I know not. Well, I will look 766further into't, and I have a disguise to sound Falstaff. If 767I find her honest, I lose not my labor. If she be other768wise, 'tis labor well bestowed. Exit.