Internet Shakespeare Editions

Author: William Shakespeare
Editor: William Godshalk
Peer Reviewed

Troilus and Cressida (Modern)

858.1[2.1]
Enter Ajax and Thersites.
Thersites?
Thersites
Agamemnon, how if he had boils, full, all over, generally?
Thersites?
Thersites
And those boils did run (say so), did not the 865general run? Were not that a botchy core?
Dog.
Thersites
Then there would come some matter from him; I see none now.
Thou bitch wolf's son, canst thou not hear? 870Feel then.
Strikes him.
Thersites
The plague of Greece upon thee, thou mongrel beef-witted lord.
Speak then, you whinid'st leaven, speak. I will beat thee into handsomeness.
875Thersites
I shall sooner rail thee into wit and holiness, but I think thy horse will sooner con an oration than thou learn a prayer without book. Thou canst strike, canst thou? A red murrain o'thy jade's tricks.
Toad's stool, learn me the proclamation.
880Thersites
Dost thou think I have no sense, thou strik'st me thus?
The proclamation.
Thersites
Thou art proclaimed a fool, I think.
Do not, porcupine; do not; my fingers itch.
Thersites
I would thou didst itch from head to foot, and 885I had the scratching of thee. I would make thee the loathsomest scab in Greece.
I say, the proclamation.
Thersites
Thou grumblest and railest every hour on Achilles, and thou art as full of envy at his greatness as 890Cerberus is at Proserpina's beauty, ay, that thou bark'st at him.
Mistress Thersites.
Thersites
Thou shouldst strike him.
Cobloaf.
Thersites
He would pun thee into shivers with his fist, as 895a sailor breaks a biscuit.
You whoreson cur.
Thersites
Do, do.
Thou stool for a witch.
Thersites
Ay, do, do, thou sodden-witted lord; thou hast no more brain than I have in mine elbows; an asinico 900may tutor thee. Thou scurvy valiant ass, thou art here but to thresh Trojans, and thou art bought and sold, among those of any wit, like a barbarian slave. If thou use to beat me, I will begin at thy heel and tell what thou art by inches, thou thing of no bowels, thou.
You dog.
Thersites
You scurvy lord.
You cur.
Thersites
Mars his idiot, do; rudeness, do; camel, do, do.
Enter Achilles and Patroclus.
910Achilles
Why, how now, Ajax? Wherefore do you this?
How now, Thersites? What's the matter, man?
Thersites
You see him there, do you?
Achilles
Ay, what's the matter?
Thersites
Nay, look upon him.
915Achilles
So I do. What's the matter?
Thersites
Nay, but regard him well.
Achilles
"Well?" Why, I do so.
Thersites
But yet you look not well upon him, for whosomever you take him to be, he is Ajax.
920Achilles
I know that, fool.
Thersites
Ay, but that fool knows not himself.
Therefore, I beat thee.
Thersites
Lo, lo, lo, lo, what modicums of wit he utters; his evasions have ears thus long. I have bobbed his brain 925more than he has beat my bones. I will buy nine sparrows for a penny, and his pia mater is not worth the ninth part of a sparrow. This lord, Achilles -- Ajax, who wears his wit in his belly and his guts in his head -- I'll tell you what I say of him.
930Achilles
What?
Thersites
I say this Ajax --
Achilles
Nay, good Ajax.
Thersites
-- has not so much wit --
Achilles
Nay, I must hold you.
935Thersites.
-- as will stop the eye of Helen's needle, for whom he comes to fight.
Achilles
Peace, fool.
Thersites
I would have peace and quietness, but the fool will not -- he there, that he, look you there.
O thou damned cur, I shall --
Achilles
Will you set your wit to a fool's?
Thersites
No, I warrant you, for a fool's will shame it.
Patroclus
Good words, Thersites.
Achilles
What's the quarrel?
I bade the vile owl go learn me the tenor of the proclamation, and he rails upon me.
Thersites
I serve thee not.
Well, go to, go to.
Thersites
I serve here voluntary.
950Achilles
Your last service was sufferance; 'twas not voluntary; no man is beaten voluntary. Ajax was here the voluntary, and you as under an impress.
Thersites
E'en so, a great deal of your wit, too, lies in your sinews, or else there be liars. Hector shall have a great 955catch, if he knock out either of your brains; he were as good crack a fusty nut with no kernel.
Achilles
What, with me too, Thersites?
Thersites
There's Ulysses and old Nestor, whose wit was moldy ere their grandsires had nails on their toes, yoke 960you like draft-oxen, and make you plough up the war.
Achilles
What? What?
Thersites
Yes, good sooth. To, Achilles, to, Ajax, to --
I shall cut out your tongue.
Thersites
'Tis no matter; I shall speak as much as thou 965afterwards.
Patroclus
No more words, Thersites. Peace.
Thersites
I will hold my peace when Achilles' brooch bids me, shall I?
Achilles
There's for you, Patroclus.
970Thersites
I will see you hanged like clotpolls ere I come any more to your tents; I will keep where there is wit stirring, and leave the faction of fools.
Exit.
Patroclus
A good riddance.
Achilles
[To Ajax] Marry, this, sir, is proclaimed through all our host:
975That Hector by the fifth hour of the sun,
Will, with a trumpet, 'twixt our tents and Troy,
Tomorrow morning call some knight to arms
That hath a stomach, and such a one that dare
Maintain -- I know not what. 'Tis trash. Farewell.
980Ajax.
Farewell? Who shall answer him?
Achilles
I know not; 'tis put to lott'ry; otherwise he knew his man.
Ajax.
Oh, meaning you. I will go learn more of it.
Exit.