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Author: William Shakespeare
Editors: David Carnegie, Mark Houlahan
Peer Reviewed

Twelfth Night (Modern)

5.1
Enter Clown [with a letter] and Fabian.
Fabian
Now as thou lov'st me, let me see his letter.
2155Clown
Good Master Fabian, grant me another request.
Fabian
Anything.
Clown
Do not desire to see this letter.
Fabian
This is to give a dog, and in recompense desire my dog again.
2160Enter Orsino, Viola [as Cesario], Curio, and Lords.
Orsino
Belong you to the Lady Olivia, friends?
Clown
Ay, sir, we are some of her trappings.
Orsino
I know thee well. How dost thou, my good fellow?
2165Clown
Truly, sir, the better for my foes, and the worse for my friends.
Orsino
Just the contrary; the better for thy friends.
Clown
No, sir, the worse.
Orsino
How can that be?
2170Clown
Marry, sir, they praise me, and make an ass of me. Now, my foes tell me plainly I am an ass, so that by my foes, sir, I profit in the knowledge of myself, and by my friends I am abused. So that, conclusions to be as kisses, if your four negatives make your two affirmatives, why 2175then, the worse for my friends and the better for my foes.
Orsino
Why, this is excellent.
Clown
By my troth, sir, no; though it please you to be one of my friends.
Orsino
Thou shalt not be the worse for me; there's gold.
[Orsino gives him a gold coin.]
2180Clown
But that it would be double-dealing, sir, I would you could make it another.
Orsino
O you give me ill counsel.
Clown
Put your grace in your pocket, sir, for this once, and let your flesh and blood obey it.
2185Orsino
Well, I will be so much a sinner to be a double-dealer; there's another. [Orsino gives him another gold coin.]
Clown
Primo, secundo, tertio is a good play; and the old saying is, "the third pays for all"; the triplex, sir, is a good tripping measure; or the bells of Saint Bennet, sir, may put 2190you in mind: one, two, three.
Orsino
You can fool no more money out of me at this throw. If you will let your lady know I am here to speak with her, and bring her along with you, it may awake my bounty further.
2195Clown
Marry, sir, lullaby to your bounty till I come again. I go, sir, but I would not have you to think that my desire of having is the sin of covetousness--but as you say, sir, let your bounty take a nap; I will awake it anon.
Exit.
2200Enter Antonio and Officers [guarding him].
Viola
Here comes the man, sir, that did rescue me.
Orsino
That face of his I do remember well;
Yet when I saw it last, it was besmeared
As black as Vulcan in the smoke of war.
2205A baubling vessel was he captain of,
For shallow draught and bulk, unprizable;
With which such scatheful grapple did he make
With the most noble bottom of our fleet,
That very envy, and the tongue of loss,
2210Cried fame and honor on him. What's the matter?
First Officer
Orsino, this is that Antonio
That took the Phoenix, and her fraught from Candy,
And this is he that did the Tiger board
When your young nephew Titus lost his leg.
2215Here in the streets, desperate of shame and state,
In private brabble did we apprehend him.
Viola
He did me kindness, sir, drew on my side,
But in conclusion put strange speech upon me;
I know not what 'twas, but distraction.
2220Orsino
Notable pirate, thou saltwater thief,
What foolish boldness brought thee to their mercies
Whom thou, in terms so bloody and so dear,
Hast made thine enemies?
Antonio
Orsino, noble sir,
2225Be pleased that I shake off these names you give me.
Antonio never yet was thief, or pirate,
Though I confess, on base and ground enough,
Orsino's enemy. A witchcraft drew me hither:
That most ingrateful boy there by your side
2230From the rude sea's enraged and foamy mouth
Did I redeem. A wrack past hope he was.
His life I gave him, and did thereto add
My love without retention or restraint,
All his in dedication. For his sake
2235Did I expose myself, pure for his love,
Into the danger of this adverse town;
Drew to defend him, when he was beset;
Where being apprehended, his false cunning,
Not meaning to partake with me in danger,
2240Taught him to face me out of his acquaintance,
And grew a twenty years' removèd thing
While one would wink; denied me mine own purse,
Which I had recommended to his use
Not half an hour before.
2245Viola
How can this be?
Orsino
When came he to this town?
Antonio
Today, my lord; and for three months before,
No int'rim, not a minute's vacancy,
Both day and night did we keep company.
2250Enter Olivia and Attendants.
Orsino
Here comes the countess, now heaven walks on earth.
[To Antonio] But for thee, fellow--fellow, thy words are madness.
Three months this youth hath tended upon me;
2255But more of that anon. [To Officers] Take him aside.
Olivia
What would my lord, but that he may not have,
Wherein Olivia may seem serviceable?
[To Viola] Cesario, you do not keep promise with me.
[Viola and Orsino speak at the same time.]
Viola
Madam--
2260Orsino
Gracious Olivia--
Olivia
What do you say, Cesario? [Silencing Orsino] Good my lord.
Viola
My lord would speak, my duty hushes me.
Olivia
If it be aught to the old tune, my lord,
It is as fat and fulsome to mine ear
2265As howling after music.
Orsino
Still so cruel?
Olivia
Still so constant, lord.
Orsino
What, to perverseness? You uncivil lady,
To whose ingrate and unauspicious altars
2270My soul the faithfull'st off'rings have breathed out
That e'er devotion tendered! What shall I do?
Olivia
Even what it please my lord, that shall become him
Orsino
Why should I not, had I the heart to do it,
Like to th'Egyptian thief at point of death,
2275Kill what I love?--a savage jealousy,
That sometime savors nobly. But hear me this:
Since you to non-regardance cast my faith,
And that I partly know the instrument
That screws me from my true place in your favor,
2280Live you the marble-breasted tyrant still.
But [Seizing Viola] this your minion, whom I know you love,
And whom, by heaven, I swear I tender dearly,
Him will I tear out of that cruel eye
Where he sits crownèd in his master's spite.
2285Come, boy, with me; my thoughts are ripe in mischief.
I'll sacrifice the lamb that I do love,
To spite a raven's heart within a dove. [He moves to exit with Viola.]
Viola
And I most jocund, apt, and willingly,
To do you rest, a thousand deaths would die.
2290Olivia
Where goes Cesario?
Viola
After him I love
More than I love these eyes, more than my life,
More, by all mores, than e'er I shall love wife.
If I do feign, you witnesses above
2295Punish my life, for tainting of my love.
Olivia
Ay me, detested! How am I beguiled!
Viola
Who does beguile you? Who does do you wrong?
Olivia
Hast thou forgot thyself? Is it so long?
Call forth the holy father. [Exit an Attendant.]
2300Orsino
[To Cesario] Come, away.
Olivia
Whither, my lord? Cesario, husband, stay!
Orsino
Husband?
Olivia
Ay, husband. Can he that deny?
Orsino
Her husband, sirrah?
2305Viola
No, my lord, not I.
Olivia
Alas, it is the baseness of thy fear
That makes thee strangle thy propriety.
Fear not, Cesario, take thy fortunes up,
Be that thou know'st thou art, and then thou art
2310As great as that thou fear'st.
Enter Priest.
O welcome, father!
Father, I charge thee by thy reverence
Here to unfold (though lately we intended
2315To keep in darkness what occasion now
Reveals before 'tis ripe) what thou dost know
Hath newly passed between this youth and me.
Priest
A contract of eternal bond of love,
Confirmed by mutual joinder of your hands,
2320Attested by the holy close of lips,
Strengthened by interchangement of your rings,
And all the ceremony of this compact
Sealed in my function, by my testimony;
Since when, my watch hath told me, toward my grave
2325I have travelled but two hours.
Orsino
[To Viola] O thou dissembling cub! What wilt thou be
When time hath sowed a grizzle on thy case?
Or will not else thy craft so quickly grow
That thine own trip shall be thine overthrow?
2330Farewell, and take her, but direct thy feet
Where thou and I henceforth may never meet.
Viola
My lord, I do protest--
Olivia
O, do not swear,
Hold little faith, though thou hast too much fear.
2335Enter Sir Andrew [with his head bloody].
Sir Andrew
For the love of God, a surgeon! Send one presently to Sir Toby.
Olivia
What's the matter?
Sir Andrew
He's broke my head across, and has given Sir 2340Toby a bloody coxcomb too. For the love of God, your help! I had rather than forty pound I were at home.
Olivia
Who has done this, Sir Andrew?
Sir Andrew
The count's gentleman, one Cesario. We took him for a coward, but he's the very devil incardinate.
2345Orsino
My gentleman Cesario?
Sir Andrew
[Seeing Viola] [and recoiling in fear]. 'Od's lifelings, here he is! [To her] You broke my head for nothing; and that that I did, I was set on to do't by Sir Toby.
Viola
Why do you speak to me? I never hurt you.
2350You drew your sword upon me without cause,
But I bespake you fair, and hurt you not.
Enter Sir Toby [limping, his head bloody,] and [supported by] Clown.
Sir Andrew
If a bloody coxcomb be a hurt, you have hurt me; I think you set nothing by a bloody coxcomb. 2355Here comes Sir Toby halting; you shall hear more. But if he had not been in drink, he would have tickled you othergates than he did.
Orsino
How now, gentleman? How is't with you?
Sir Toby
That's all one, he's hurt me, and there's th'end on't. 2360[To Clown] Sot, didst see Dick Surgeon, sot?
Clown
Oh, he's drunk, Sir Toby, an hour agone; his eyes were set at eight i'th'morning.
Sir Toby
Then he's a rogue, and a passy-measures pavan. I hate a drunken rogue.
2365Olivia
Away with him! Who hath made this havocwith them?
Sir Andrew
I'll help you, Sir Toby, because we'll be dressed together.
Sir Toby
Will you help? An ass-head, and a coxcomb, and 2370a knave? A thin-faced knave, a gull!
Olivia
Get him to bed, and let his hurt be looked to.
[Exeunt Sir Toby and Sir Andrew led off by Clown and Fabian.]
Enter Sebastian. [Everyone else observes the identically dressed Sebastian and Viola.]
Sebastian
I am sorry, madam, I have hurt your kinsman;
But had it been the brother of my blood,
2375I must have done no less with wit and safety.
You throw a strange regard upon me, and by that
I do perceive it hath offended you.
Pardon me, sweet one, even for the vows
We made each other but so late ago.
2380Orsino
One face, one voice, one habit, and two persons:
A natural perspective, that is, and is not!
Sebastian
Antonio! Oh, my dear Antonio,
How have the hours racked and tortured me
Since I have lost thee!
2385Antonio
Sebastian, are you?
Sebastian
Fear'st thou that, Antonio?
Antonio
How have you made division of yourself?
An apple cleft in two is not more twin
Than these two creatures. Which is Sebastian?
2390Olivia
Most wonderful.
Sebastian
[Seeing Viola] Do I stand there? I never had a brother;
Nor can there be that deity in my nature
Of here and everywhere. I had a sister,
Whom the blind waves and surges have devoured.
2395Of charity, what kin are you to me?
What countryman? What name? What parentage?
Viola
Of Messaline. Sebastian was my father.
Such a Sebastian was my brother too;
So went he suited to his watery tomb.
2400If spirits can assume both form and suit,
You come to fright us.
Sebastian
A spirit I am indeed,
But am in that dimension grossly clad
Which from the womb I did participate.
2405Were you a woman, as the rest goes even,
I should my tears let fall upon your cheek,
And say, "Thrice welcome, drownèd Viola."
Viola
My father had a mole upon his brow.
Sebastian
And so had mine.
2410Viola
And died that day when Viola from her birth
Had numbered thirteen years.
Sebastian
Oh, that record is lively in my soul.
He finishèd indeed his mortal act
That day that made my sister thirteen years.
2415Viola
If nothing lets to make us happy both,
But this my masculine usurped attire,
Do not embrace me, till each circumstance
Of place, time, fortune, do cohere and jump
That I am Viola; which to confirm,
2420I'll bring you to a captain in this town,
Where lie my maiden weeds, by whose gentle help
I was preserved to serve this noble count.
All the occurrence of my fortune since
Hath been between this lady and this lord.
2425Sebastian
[To Olivia] So comes it, lady, you have been mistook.
But nature to her bias drew in that.
You would have been contracted to a maid;
Nor are you therein, by my life, deceived:
You are betrothed both to a maid and man.
2430Orsino
[To Olivia] Be not amazed, right noble is his blood.
If this be so--as yet the glass seems true--
I shall have share in this most happy wrack.
[To Viola] Boy, thou hast said to me a thousand times
Thou never shouldst love woman like to me.
2435Viola
And all those sayings will I overswear,
And all those swearings keep as true in soul
As doth that orbèd continent the fire
That severs day from night.
Orsino
Give me thy hand,
2440And let me see thee in thy woman's weeds.
Viola
The captain that did bring me first on shore
Hath my maid's garments; he upon some action
Is now in durance, at Malvolio's suit,
A gentleman and follower of my lady's.
2445Olivia
He shall enlarge him. Fetch Malvolio hither--
And yet, alas, now I remember me,
They say, poor gentleman, he's much distract.
Enter Clown with a letter, and Fabian.
A most extracting frenzy of mine own
2450From my remembrance clearly banished his.
[To Clown] How does he, sirrah?
Clown
Truly, madam, he holds Beelzebub at the stave's end as well as a man in his case may do. He's here writ a letter to you. I should have given't you today morning, but as a 2455madman's epistles are no gospels, so it skills not much when they are delivered.
Olivia
Open't, and read it.
Clown
Look then to be well edified, when the fool delivers the madman. [Reading madly]
"By the Lord, madam--"
2460Olivia
How now, art thou mad?
Clown
No, madam, I do but read madness. An your ladyship will have it as it ought to be, you must allow vox.
Olivia
Prithee, read i'thy right wits.
2465Clown
So I do, madonna. But to read his right wits is to read thus. Therefore perpend, my princess, and give ear.
[Clown prepares to read madly again; Olivia seizes the letter and gives it to Fabian.]
Olivia
[To Fabian] Read it you, sirrah.
Fabian
(Reads.)
"By the Lord, madam, you wrong me, and 2470the world shall know it. Though you have put me into darkness, and given your drunken cousin rule over me, yet have I the benefit of my senses as well as your ladyship. I have your own letter, that induced me to the semblance I put on; with the which I doubt not but to 2475do myself much right, or you much shame. Think of me as you please. I leave my duty a little unthought of, and speak out of my injury.
The madly-used Malvolio."
Olivia
Did he write this?
Clown
Ay, madam.
2480Orsino
This savors not much of distraction.
Olivia
See him delivered, Fabian, bring him hither.
[Exit Fabian.]
[To Orsino] My Lord, so please you, these things further thought on,
To think me as well a sister as a wife,
One day shall crown th'alliance on't, so please you,
2485Here at my house, and at my proper cost.
Orsino
Madam, I am most apt t'embrace your offer.
[To Viola] Your master quits you; and for your service done him,
So much against the mettle of your sex,
So far beneath your soft and tender breeding,
2490And since you called me master for so long,
Here is my hand; you shall from this time be
Your master's mistress.
Olivia
A sister, you are she!
Enter [Fabian and] Malvolio [with Maria's letter].
2495Orsino
Is this the madman?
Olivia
Ay, my lord, this same.
[To Malvolio] How now, Malvolio?
Malvolio
Madam, you have done me wrong,
Notorious wrong.
Olivia
Have I, Malvolio? No.
2500Malvolio
Lady, you have. Pray you peruse that letter.
[Giving her the letter] You must not now deny it is your hand.
Write from it if you can, in hand, or phrase,
Or say 'tis not your seal, not your invention.
You can say none of this. Well, grant it then,
2505And tell me, in the modesty of honor,
Why you have given me such clear lights of favor,
Bade me come smiling and cross-gartered to you,
To put on yellow stockings, and to frown
Upon Sir Toby, and the lighter people;
2510And acting this in an obedient hope,
Why have you suffered me to be imprisoned,
Kept in a dark house, visited by the priest,
And made the most notorious geck and gull
That ere invention played on? Tell me, why?
2515Olivia
Alas, Malvolio, this is not my writing,
Though I confess much like the character;
But out of question, 'tis Maria's hand.
And now I do bethink me, it was she
First told me thou wast mad; then cam'st in smiling,
2520And in such forms which here were presupposed
Upon thee in the letter. Prithee, be content.
This practice hath most shrewdly past upon thee;
But when we know the grounds and authors of it,
Thou shalt be both the plaintiff and the judge
2525Of thine own cause.
Fabian
Good madam, hear me speak,
And let no quarrel, nor no brawl to come,
Taint the condition of this present hour,
Which I have wondered at. In hope it shall not,
2530Most freely I confess myself and Toby
Set this device against Malvolio here,
Upon some stubborn and uncourteous parts
We had conceived against him. Maria writ
The letter, at Sir Toby's great importance,
2535In recompense whereof he hath married her.
How with a sportful malice it was followed
May rather pluck on laughter than revenge,
If that the injuries be justly weighed
That have on both sides passed.
2540Olivia
[To Malvolio] Alas, poor fool, how have they baffled thee!
Clown
[To Malvolio] Why, "Some are born great, some achieve greatness, and some have greatness thrown upon them." I was one, sir, in this interlude, one Sir Topaz, sir; but that's all one. "By the Lord, fool, I am not mad!" But do you 2545remember: "Madam, why laugh you at such a barren rascal? An you smile not, he's gagged." And thus the whirligig of time brings in his revenges.
Malvolio
I'll be revenged on the whole pack of you!
[Exit.]
Olivia
He hath been most notoriously abused.
2550Orsino
[To Fabian] Pursue him, and entreat him to a peace. [Exit Fabian.]
He hath not told us of the captain yet.
When that is known, and golden time convents,
A solemn combination shall be made
Of our dear souls. [To Olivia] Meantime, sweet sister,
2555We will not part from hence. [To Viola] Cesario, come--
For so you shall be while you are a man;
But when in other habits you are seen,
Orsino's mistress, and his fancy's queen.
Exeunt [all except Clown].
2560Clown
(Sings)
When that I was and a little tiny boy,
With hey, ho, the wind and the rain,
A foolish thing was but a toy,
For the rain it raineth every day.
But when I came to man's estate,
2565 With hey, ho, the wind and the rain,
'Gainst knaves and thieves men shut their gate,
For the rain it raineth every day.
But when I came, alas, to wive,
With hey, ho, the wind and the rain,
2570By swaggering could I never thrive,
For the rain it raineth every day.
But when I came unto my beds,
With hey, ho, the wind and the rain,
With tosspots still 'had drunken heads,
2575 For the rain it raineth every day.
A great while ago the world begun,
With hey, ho, the wind and the rain,
But that's all one, our play is done,
And we'll strive to please you every day.
[Exit.]
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