Internet Shakespeare Editions

Author: William Shakespeare
Editors: David Carnegie, Mark Houlahan
Peer Reviewed

Twelfth Night (Folio 1, 1623)

1015Scena Quinta.
Enter Sir Toby, Sir Andrew, and Fabian.
To. Come thy wayes Signior Fabian.
Fab. Nay Ile come: if I loose a scruple of this sport,
let me be boyl'd to death with Melancholly.
1020To. Wouldst thou not be glad to haue the niggard-
ly Rascally sheepe-biter, come by some notable shame?
Fa. I would exult man: you know he brought me out
o'fauour with my Lady, about a Beare-baiting heere.
To. To anger him wee'l haue the Beare againe, and
1025we will foole him blacke and blew, shall we not sir An-
An. And we do not, it is pittie of our liues.
Enter Maria.
To. Heere comes the little villaine: How now my
1030Mettle of India?
Mar. Get ye all three into the box tree: Maluolio's
comming downe this walke, he has beene yonder i'the
Sunne practising behauiour to his own shadow this halfe
houre: obserue him for the loue of Mockerie: for I know
1035this Letter wil make a contemplatiue Ideot of him. Close
in the name of ieasting, lye thou there: for heere comes
the Trowt, that must be caught with tickling. Exit
Enter Maluolio.
Mal. 'Tis but Fortune, all is fortune. Maria once
1040told me she did affect me, and I haue heard her self come
thus neere, that should shee fancie, it should bee one of
my complection. Besides she vses me with a more ex-
alted respect, then any one else that followes her. What
should I thinke on't?
1045To. Heere's an ouer-weening rogue.
Fa. Oh peace: Contemplation makes a rare Turkey
Cocke of him, how he iets vnder his aduanc'd plumes.
And. Slight I could so beate the Rogue.
To. Peace I say.
1050Mal. To be Count Maluolio.
To. Ah Rogue.
An. Pistoll him, pistoll him.
To. Peace, peace.
Mal. There is example for't: The Lady of the Stra-
1055chy, married the yeoman of the wardrobe.
An. Fie on him Iezabel.
Fa. O peace, now he's deepely in: looke how imagi-
nation blowes him.
Mal. Hauing beene three moneths married to her,
1060sitting in my state.
To. O for a stone-bow to hit him in the eye.
Mal. Calling my Officers about me, in my branch'd
Veluet gowne: hauing come from a day bedde, where I
haue left Oliuia sleeping.
1065To. Fire and Brimstone.
Fa. O peace, peace.
Mal. And then to haue the humor of state: and after
a demure trauaile of regard: telling them I knowe my
place, as I would they should doe theirs: to aske for my
1070kinsman Toby.
To. Boltes and shackles.
Fa. Oh peace, peace, peace, now, now.
Mal. Seauen of my people with an obedient start,
make out for him: I frowne the while, and perchance
1075winde vp my watch, or play with my some rich Iewell:
Toby approaches; curtsies there to me.
To. Shall this fellow liue?
Fa. Though our silence be drawne from vs with cars,
yet peace.
1080Mal. I extend my hand to him thus: quenching my
familiar smile with an austere regard of controll.
To. And do's not Toby take you a blow o'the lippes,
Mal. Saying, Cosine Toby, my Fortunes hauing cast
1085me on your Neece, giue me this prerogatiue of speech.
To. What, what?
Mal. You must amend your drunkennesse.
To. Out scab.
Fab. Nay patience, or we breake the sinewes of our
Mal. Besides you waste the treasure of your time,
with a foolish knight.
And. That's mee I warrant you.
Mal. One sir Andrew.
1095And. I knew 'twas I, for many do call mee foole.
Mal. What employment haue we heere?
Fa. Now is the Woodcocke neere the gin.
To. Oh peace, and the spirit of humors intimate rea-
ding aloud to him.
1100Mal. By my life this is my Ladies hand: these bee her
very C's, her V's, and her T's, and thus makes shee her
great P's. It is in contempt of question her hand.
An. Her C's, her V's, and her T's: why that?
Mal. To the vnknowne belou'd, this, and my good Wishes:
1105Her very Phrases: By your leaue wax. Soft, and the im-
pressure her Lucrece, with which she vses to seale: tis my
Lady: To whom should this be?
Fab. This winnes him, Liuer and all.
264 Twelfe Night, or, What you will.
Mal. Ioue knowes I loue, but who, Lips do not mooue, no
1110man must know. No man must know. What followes?
The numbers alter'd: No man must know,
If this should be thee Maluolio?
To. Marrie hang thee brocke.
Mal. I may command where I adore, but silence like a Lu-
1115cresse knife:
With bloodlesse stroke my heart doth gore, M.O.A.I. doth
sway my life.
Fa. A fustian riddle.
To. Excellent Wench, say I.
1120Mal. M.O.A.I. doth sway my life. Nay but first
let me see, let me see, let me see.
Fab. What dish a poyson has she drest him?
To. And with what wing the stallion checkes at it?
Mal. I may command, where I adore: Why shee may
1125command me: I serue her, she is my Ladie. Why this is
euident to any formall capacitie. There is no obstruction
in this, and the end: What should that Alphabeticall po-
sition portend, if I could make that resemble something
in me? Softly, M.O.A.I.
1130To. O I, make vp that, he is now at a cold sent.
Fab. Sowter will cry vpon't for all this, though it bee
as ranke as a Fox.
Mal. M. Maluolio, M. why that begins my name.
Fab. Did not I say he would worke it out, the Curre
1135is excellent at faults.
Mal. M. But then there is no consonancy in the sequell
that suffers vnder probation: A. should follow, but O.
Fa. And O shall end, I hope.
1140To. I, or Ile cudgell him, and make him cry O.
Mal. And then I. comes behind.
Fa. I, and you had any eye behinde you, you might
see more detraction at your heeles, then Fortunes before
1145Mal. M,O,A,I. This simulation is not as the former:
and yet to crush this a little, it would bow to mee, for e-
uery one of these Letters are in my name. Soft, here fol-
lowes prose: If this fall into thy hand, reuolue. In my stars
I am aboue thee, but be not affraid of greatnesse: Some
1150are become great, some atcheeues greatnesse, and some
haue greatnesse thrust vppon em. Thy fates open theyr
hands, let thy blood and spirit embrace them, and to in-
vre thy selfe to what thou art like to be: cast thy humble
slough, and appeare fresh. Be opposite with a kinsman,
1155surly with seruants: Let thy tongue tang arguments of
state; put thy selfe into the tricke of singularitie. Shee
thus aduises thee, that sighes for thee. Remember who
commended thy yellow stockings, and wish'd to see thee
euer crosse garter'd: I say remember, goe too, thou art
1160made if thou desir'st to be so: If not, let me see thee a ste-
ward still, the fellow of seruants, and not woorthie to
touch Fortunes fingers Farewell, Shee that would alter
seruices with thee, tht fortunate vnhappy daylight and
champian discouers not more: This is open, I will bee
1165proud, I will reade politicke Authours, I will baffle Sir
Toby, I will wash off grosse acquaintance, I will be point
deuise, the very man. I do not now foole my selfe, to let
imagination iade mee; for euery reason excites to this,
that my Lady loues me. She did commend my yellow
1170stockings of late, shee did praise my legge being crosse-
garter'd, and in this she manifests her selfe to my loue, &
with a kinde of iniunction driues mee to these habites of
her liking. I thanke my starres, I am happy: I will bee
strange, stout, in yellow stockings, and crosse Garter'd,
1175euen with the swiftnesse of putting on. Ioue, and my
starres be praised. Heere is yet a postscript. Thou canst
not choose but know who I am. If thou entertainst my loue, let
it appeare in thy smiling, thy smiles become thee well. There-
fore in my presence still smile, deero my sweete, I prethee. Ioue
1180I thanke thee, I will smile, I wil do euery thing that thou
wilt haue me. Exit
Fab. I will not giue my part of this sport for a pensi-
on of thousands to be paid from the Sophy.
To. I could marry this wench for this deuice.
1185An. So could I too.
To. And aske no other dowry with her, but such ano-
ther iest.
Enter Maria.
An. Nor I neither.
1190Fab. Heere comes my noble gull catcher.
To. Wilt thou set thy foote o'my necke.
An. Or o'mine either?
To. Shall I play my freedome at tray-trip, and becom
thy bondslaue?
1195An. Ifaith, or I either?
Tob. Why, thou hast put him in such a dreame, that
when the image of it leaues him, he must run mad.
Ma. Nay but say true, do's it worke vpon him?
To. Like Aqua vite with a Midwife.
1200Mar. If you will then see the fruites of the sport, mark
his first approach before my Lady: hee will come to her
in yellow stockings, and 'tis a colour she abhorres, and
crosse garter'd, a fashion shee detests: and hee will smile
vpon her, which will now be so vnsuteable to her dispo-
1205sition, being addicted to a melancholly, as shee is, that it
cannot but turn him into a notable contempt: if you wil
see it follow me.
To. To the gates of Tartar, thou most excellent diuell
of wit.
1210And. Ile make one too. Exeunt.
Finis Actus secundus