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King John: A Burlesque
0.1KING JOHN
(WITH THE BENEFIT OF THE ACT.)
A BURLESQUE,
In One Act,
BY
GILBERT ABBOTT A'BECKETT, Esq.
Autor of "The Assignation," "Figaro in London," "Love is
Blind," "The tradesman's Bakk," &c. &c. &c.
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PRINTED FROM THE ACTING COPY, WITH DESCRIPTION OF
THE COSTUME, CAST OF THE CHARACTERS, EXITS
AND ENTRANCES, AND THE WHOLE OF THE
BUSINESS
As performed at the
ST. JAMES'S THEATRE.
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WITH A PORTRAIT OF MR. H. HALL.
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London:
Published for the Proprietor by
W. STRANGE, 21, PATERNOSTER ROW,
ST. PAULS' CHURCH YARD;
GURNER AND FISHER, NEW YORK AND PHILADELPHIA,
UNITED STATES
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1837
Cast of the Characters
0.2(As originally performed at the St. James's Theatre.)
First produced October 29th.
NATIVES.
King John the first. (Successor to Richard the second) Mr. H Hall
Hubert. (Dentist and Cupper to the Court) Mr. Wright.
Ruffian. (Attached to Hubert, but a member of the Animal's Friend Society) Mr. Hart.
Faulconbridge. (Illegitimate and bar Sinister) Mr. Gardner.
Robert. (His brother, bar Illegitimate, but Sinister) Mr. Long.
Prince Arthur. (A royal duodecimo, a pledge of affection taken in by his uncle) Miss C. Booth.
Herald. (In accordance with the Times.) Mr. Post.
Lady Constance. (Wife to her son Arthur's father, and mother to Arthur's father's son) Madam Sala
Lady Elinor. (John's father's widow, and Arthur's uncle's mother) Mrs. Penson.
FOREIGNERS.
King Philip of France. (Successor to his predecessor) Mr. Sidney.
Lewis. (Suspected of being the Dauphin) Mr. Moore.
Chatillon. (Upon speaking and singing terms with Philip) Mr, Burnett.
Duke of Austria. (Founder of the Skinner's Company, bound in calf, but unlettered) Mr. Halford.
Cardinal Pandulph. (Full of point) Mr. Brooks.
KING JOHN (1st dress) -- Gold scale armour legs and arms -- black velvet shirt and robe -- crown, etc. (2nd dress) Breast plate, with spike in the centre, and spikes on his knees and elbows -- helmet, with a weather-cock, and N. E. S. W. on it.
PHILIP -- White silk leggings -- shoes -- red tunic and cloak, trimmed and lined with white satin -- bushy wig -- crown.
FAULCONBRIDGE (1st dress) -- Brown shape -- small cloak -- ditto hat and feathers. -- (2nd dress) -- Breast plate and helmet -- immense plume of feathers.
AUSTRIA -- Silver scale armour, legs and arms -- Black velvet shirt -- A bear skin for cloak -- helmet and feathers.
DAUPHIN -- White leggings -- shoes -- green spangled tunic, with white satin sleeves -- hat and feathers.
HUBERT -- Brown shape, with large red Puffs -- red stockings -- shoes -- large rough small old English hat and feather.
ARTHUR -- White leggings -- shoes -- light satin tunic -- coronet.
HERALD -- Herald's dress.
CITIZENS -- Dark cloaks, with sleeves, fastened round the waist -- white night -- caps.
CARDINAL -- Cardinal's dress.
ROBERT -- Plain trunks, hose, and jacket -- hat and single feather.
CONSTANCE -- Black velvet dress, with jewelled trimmings down the front -- Lady Macbeth's head -- dress.
ELINOR -- Puce coloured velvet train dress -- head dress -- point lace veil.
BLANCHE -- White muslin dress.
STAGE DIRECTIONS.
The Conductors of this Work print no Plays but those which they have seen acted. The Stage Directions are given from personal observations, during the most recent performance.
R. means (Right.) L. (Left.) C. (Centre.) R. C. (Right of Centre.) L. C. (Left of Centre.) D.F. (Door in the Flat or scene running across the back of the Stage); C. D. F. (Centre Door in the Flat.) R. D. F. (Right Door in the Flat.) L. D. F. (Left Door in the Flat.) R. D. (Right Door.) L. D. (Left Door.) S. E. (Second Entrance.) U. E. (Upper Entrance.)
The Reader is supposed to be on the Stage, facing the Audience.
2SCENE I. -- The Palace
3Flourish of drums and trumpets -- King John seated on a throne -- Queen Elinor, Blanche, Chatillon, French and English discovered.
4K. John. Now speak Chatillon, what has France to say?
5Chatillon. (L.) After beginning in the usual way,
6With the old nonsense always used in greeting,
7Which I won't take your time up with repeating,
8He to your borrow'd Majesty declares --
9Elinor. (R. C.) His borrowed Majesty! I like his airs!
10I'll teach him how to say such things, I will.
11K. John. (C.) Good mother, let that tongue of yours b[e] still.
12Chatillon. Philip of France in young Prince Arthur's name
13To the whole kingdom lays a wholesale claim,
14The sceptre he'd advise you to lay down.
15K. John. What if I won't?
16Chatillon. Why then he'll crack your crown.
17K. John. He's a nice man, to say my crown he'll crack,
18Be good enough, to take this answer back.
19(Rising and coming forward R. C.
20Go, tell your King, in terms extremely civil,
21That he may go directly to the devil!
22Chat. It's odd, but that's the place, I do declare,
23To which, he bid me say, you might repair.
24SONG -- John.
25Air -- "My heart with love is beating."
26Unless you want a beating,
27 In spite sir of your size;
28You'd better be retreating
29 Before I black your eyes
30You'd best be on I tell you,
31 And vanish while you may
32For if I chance to fell you,
33 You cannot get away.
34(Exit Chatillon L.)
35Elin. (R.) You see my son, did I not always say,
36With Constance, there would be the deuce to pay?
37She'll get the kingdom, mark me, if she can.
38For her brat Arthur, mind you be a man.
39K. John. Possession is nine points, you know, and then
40Look at these fists, don't five and five, make ten?
41Enter A Herald.
42Herald. My liege -- here is the funniest to do --
43Two men dispute, and would be ruled by you.
44K. John. Let them approach!
45(Herald goes out and re-enters with Faulconbridge and Robert. L.)
47Faulconbridge. (L C.) We are two brothers, of the same mamma.
48But there are reasons for suspecting rather,
49By some mistake there was an extra father.
50Elin. (L.) Don't say such naughty things against your mother.
51Faul. It isn't I, my lady -- it's my brother!
52He says, I'm illegitimate, and so
53That I'm to lose the land, which is no go.
54Elin. Come, come, For all his land, you would not be,
55Sure, such a sorry-looking knave as he.
56Faul. Madam, you're right, his shape I would not wear,
57For all the land in Christendom, I swear;
58No written titles to estates he needs,
59His cheeks are like two shrivelled parchment deeds,
60Their strong mark'd lines and wrinkles show his fitness,
61By plainly saying these indentures witness.
62Elin. I like you sir. A soldier would you be,
63Dar'st thou to take thy chance and follow me?
64Faul. Madam, I'll follow you to death I swear.
65Elin. I think you'd better go before me there.
66K. John. I like you, sir -- your valour to requite,
67I'll make of you upon the spot a Knight.
68(Faulconbridge kneels, John knights him -- he rises.)
69(To Robert.) You sir, may go; to you the fortune comes,
70You'd better lay it out in sugar plums.
71(Exeunt Robert, Herald, Blanche and Lords L.)
72Come we've very little time to lose,
73For France!
74Faul. Then diligence we needs must use.
75TRIO. -- Air "Begone dull care"
76We'll soon get there,
77 If they have got places for three,
78About the fare
79 I will try with the guard to agree.
80Cigars we'll smoke,
81 And laugh and joke,
82And merrily pass the day,
83 And then going there
84Won't seem a very long way.
85(Exeunt, followed by Soldiers, L.
86SCENE II. -- The walls of Angiers
87Gates in the centre -- flourish of drums and trumpets.
88Enter Philip, Lewis, Constance, Herald, Guards, etc., R., Arch -- Duke of Austria L.
89Philip. Before Angiers brave Austria well met,
90I drink your health, great prince, in heavy wet,
91This is young Arthur -- yarns I need not spin,
92He by his uncle John is taken in.
93Austria. That with most uncles is the common way,
94Their occupation's -- taking-in all day.
95I've said enough. I don't know how to spout,
96But I will do my best to help him out.
97We'll try and make this cruel uncle nick it.
98My pledge I will redeem
100Constance. Nay, don't be in a hurry, let us wait,
101Till of the embassy we know the fate:
102Till then your courage is of no avail,
103A female bids you wait, but for the mail.
104Phil. A lady's counsel one should ne'er discard.
105(A horn sounds without.
106Here is the mail, now be upon your guard.
107Enter Chatillon, (L.)
108Now say at once from England what's the news?
109SONG -- Chatillon.
110Air -- "Kelvin grove."
111I have been to England's camp.
112 Bonny Philip, O!
113And he says that you're a scamp,
114 Bonny Philip, O!
115And he's coming full of pride,
116With his mother by his side,
117And he threatens you to hide,
118 Bonny Philip, O!
119(Drums at a distance.
120Phil. Upon my word this is a pretty business.
121My head is taken with a sudden dizziness.
122(March, -- Enter King John, Faulconbridge, Elinor, Blanche, Herald, Guards, etc. L.U.E.)
123K. John. (L.C.) Peace be to France, at least, that is to say
124If France, will let us have it, our own way.
125Phil. (R.C.) Peace be to England, that is if t'will bow,
126To our authority without a row.
127This is the offspring of your elder brother,
128As like him as two peas, are like each other.
129You do usurp the crown that should be his.
130Elin. (L.) Whom do you call usurper, plain Phiz?
131Const. (R.) I'll answer that your son's the man he means.
134Who'd pull a man in liquor by the nose.
135One of those paltry sneaks, who go about
136Robbing the pantry -- when the butler's out.
137You wear a coat of skin and when I scan it,
138I feel myself strongly disposed to tan it.
139Phil. To business, talking is no use at all,
140Summon the men of Angiers to the wall,
141We'll have a parley, they themselves shall say
142Whether 'tis John or Arthur, they'll obey.
1441st. Cit. Who calls us up at this late hour of night?
145Phil. We call on you to recognise our right.
146K. John. He's an imposter -- men of Angiers we,
147Claim England's lawful Sovereign to be
1481st. Cit. We are the loyal subjects of the King.
149K. John. Then let us in.
151Which is the right, there seems to be a doubt,
152So, gentlemen, you'd better fight it out,
153Who conquers we don't care a single pin,
154But he who does, we straightway will let in.
155Faul. Great King, these men of Angiers should be taught,
156That you'll submit to nothing of the sort.
157Take my advice, let them like other fools,
158Fall to the ground, between a brace of stools.
159Join all your forces first to put them down,
160Then fight to settle who shall have the town.
161K. John. I like your counsel well.
163We'll sack the town or know the reason why.
1641st. Cit. Stop, gentlemen, the walls you need not shatter,
165Let's see if still we can't arrange this matter.
166Before you do more mischief please to tarry,
167Are there not one or two of you could marry!
168K. John. I've sometimes heard that battles have been ended,
169When families by marriage have been blended.
170Others may do exactly as they please,
171But, I can't listen to such terms as these:
172But, there's a gentleman upon the stare,
173Casting sheep's eyes, at a young lady there.
174(To Lewis, R.) What say you sir; will you have her for a wife.
175Lewis. I think I will -- she'll do upon my life.
176K. John. And, what say you, fair lady, by your eye
177I think you love him. (Crossing to Lewis.)
179K. John. Now all are friends -- the Lady Constance calls
180Come let us in, you fellow on the wall.
181(Citizen, exit from the wall -- They all go in at the Gate. 'March' The Old English Gentleman.)
182SCENE III. -- The Court of Philip
183Enter Arthur, Constance, and Herald.
184Const. (C.) Lewis wed Blanche -- Oh what is to be done?
185France friends with England -- who'll protect my son?
186How dare you bring such news -- I hate your sight.
187Arthur. (R.) Dear madam be a little more polite.
188Const. If thou that biddest me be more polite,
189Were negro black, instead of lily white.
190I might obey thee -- but thou art so fair,
191It's such a shame, that I could almost swear --
192Fellow, I command thee get thee gone,
193And leave me with my sorrows all alone.
194Herald. Pardon me, madam, saying such rude things,
195But I can't go without you to the Kings.
196Const. But thou shalt go without me -- do you see,
197If the Kings want me, they must come to me.
198It's easy, sir, to say -- move on -- but oh!
199It's quite another thing to make one go.
200My load of grief is such the earth must share it,
201I'll make the Globe, one porter's knot to bear it.
202Here I and sorrow sit, (Throwing herself on the ground) let Kings come bow,
203This is my throne, I'm ready for a row.
204SONG -- Constance.
205Air -- "A Highland lad my love was born."
206To England's throne my son was born,
207Your master John, I hold in scorn;
208So tell him that, as soon as you can,
209And now you'd better go my nice young man.
210Sing hey, my very nice young man,
211Sing ho, my precious nice young man,
212You may try and move me if you can,
213But you won't succeed my nice young man!
214(Herald helps Constance up, -- flourish of Drums and Trumpets, Enter K. John, Philip, Lewis, Blanche, Austria, Elinor, Faulconbridge, Chatillon, and Hubert, L. Guards place two chairs in front.
215Phil. (R.C.) This is a day of jollity -- by jingo,
216We'll have a ball up at the Yorkshire Stingo.
217Const. (R.) I'll tell you what King Philip, it is true
218This business is throughout a reg'lar do.
219To fight for me you promised that you came,
220You've joined the other Party -- Oh! for shame.
221I'm regularly hoax'd and that's the truth.
224O Austria -- thou wretch -- thou coward slave,
225Who out of danger are exceeding brave.
226You who would kick the strongest man in town,
227If some one else should first have got him down.
228You that from real danger always shrink,
229You are a nice young man, I do not think.
230That hide is quite enough to make one grin,
231Thou perfect Neddy in a Lion's skin.
232Aus. Oh, that a man such language would begin.
234Aus. You daren't say that again, I bet a pin.
236K. John. We like not this, such fools I never saw,
237You both seem Neddys by your length of jaw. (Trumpet sounds.)
238(Enter, Cardinal Pandulph, L)
239Pandulph. King John, I've got a message from the Pope.
240K. John. None of his usual nonsense, sir, I hope.
241Pand. He asks why 'tis, you won't let Langton be
242Install'd at once in Canterbury's see.
243K. John. Go tell the pope, the king does as he pleases,
244And at his holy threats he only sneezes.
245SONG -- King John.
246Air -- " Swiss Toy Girl."
247I'm very glad to see
248 You sir, as a stranger;
249But it's very clear to me,
250 You'll be in some danger,
251If soon you don't be
252 From this place a ranger.
253So now you'd better go
254 To the pope back again.
255Pand. Philip of France, hear me when I command,
256In the pope's name let go rash England's hand.
257Aust. Obey the pope, Philip, withdraw your fin.
258Faul. You thorough Neddy, in a lion's skin.
259Phil. What must I do? I dread the papal power.
262Aust. To arms!
263Faul. Two legs would better answer you.
264K. John. I'll serve you out, you parlezvouing thief!
265Phil. I do defy you, Jacky Bull, roast beef.
266(Flourish -- Exeunt English L., French R.)
267SCENE IV. -- The Field of Battle -- France.
268A retreat sounded.
Enter King John, Arthur, Elinor, and Hubert, L.
269K. John. (R.) You shall stay here in safety, Arthur lad,
270Why what's the matter? pray don't look so sad.
271Good mother, can't you just amuse the boy,
272I thought I gave him sixpence for a toy?
273(Elinor takes Arthur aside, L.
274Come hither Hubert -- Hubert step this way,
275Hubert, you're looking deuced well to-day.
276Hubert, I think I owe you something -- stay,
277That paltry debt -- I'll square another day.
278But, Hubert, I'm ashamed to fiddle-faddle,
279And say how I respect -- Hubert, your daddle.
281And ever am prepar'd to serve with zeal,
282I'm truly grateful, and the little debt --
283K. John. Hubert, my friend, I've not half paid it yet;
284But you shall have it all -- (Feels in his pocket.) Some other day,
285Hubert, my friend, I had a thing to say.
286But let it pass -- the sun is shining bright,
287To suit my purpose, it had needs be night,
288If where we stand could be a railroad tunnel,
289As if we looked at Tartarus through a funnel;
290If you could only scent what I propose,
291Yet let it not smell rankly in your nose,
292If you could, or if I -- Hubert my lad
293Who made that coat? -- indeed, the cut's not bad.
294Hub. Great king, you know I always lov'd you well,
295Then why not in a word your wishes tell? --
296Why roll your troubled eye about its socket?
297My lord, your heart is in your breeches pocket.
298Though it would cost my life, what is't you need?
299I'll do your bidding --
301But Hubert, Hubert, Hubert, throw your eye
302On that young lad, that now is standing by;
303I'll tell you what, my friend, that boy I feel,
304Is, in my path, a piece of orange peel,
305And wheresoe'er I tread he'll throw me down,
306And if I fall, you know. I crack my crown, (Taking out his snuff -- box.)
307You are his keeper -- are you up to snuff?
308Hub. I am. I'll keep the urchin safe enough.
309K. John. Remove him --
310Hub. He shall die!
311K. John. Egad, I feel
312So merry, Hubert, I could dance a reel.
313What shall I give thee?
315K. John. Then let it --
316Stand over, gentle Hubert, till you get it.
317Madam, farewell, which means you'd better go.
318(Exit Elinor, L.
319Arthur, this gentleman, I think, you know?
320He shall remain, and wait on you -- good day,
321(Exit Arthur, L.
322As you perform the job, so I will pay.
323SONG -- John.
324Air -- "I've no money."
325I've no money, but you see,
326You can always trust to me,
327Hundreds I can borrow;
328Oh, should I be king, and he
329Be kept under lock and key,
330What great reward 'twould be for thee,
331I'll pay you all -- to-morrow.
332(Exit King John, R. Hubert, L.
333Herald. I would not stand sir in your royal shoes,
335I should have heard the tidings from my mother.
336Herald. My lord, your mother's dead.
338Have you come here your Monarch to be frightening,
339Who brought these troops from France?
341K. John. I'm giddy -- You may order me a coffin.
342Enter Faulconbridge L.
343Now what's the news?
345That you have lock'd for ever Arthur's jaw.
346K. John. Bring them before me. I've a plan in train,
347To gammon all the barons back again.
350A ready messenger, 'twixt him and me. (Exit Herald L.
351Enter Hubert, R.
352Hub. To night, my lord, they say twelve moons were seen,
353Three pink, three orange, half-a-dozen green,
354And in addition to this crowd of moons,
355There have been five and twenty fire-balloons.
356K. John. Oons! -- moons! -- balloons!
358Shake their heads frightfully, whene'er they meet;
359And he that speaks, doth grip the hearer's button,
360While what he says the other chap doth glut on.
361I saw a boy, standing beside a wall,
362Buying some oysters, natives, at a stall;
363And as he swallowed all the news, a lad
364Snapp'd up the open oyster that he had,
365The while a pickpocket, joined with the rest,
366Seizing his coat-skirts with an anxious zest,
367And with the news that Arthur died to-day,
368Cut off his tail, and with it cut away.
369K. John. Why do you bother me about the youth?
370It was thy hand that did pluck out his tooth.
372K. John. You were too quick to do as you were bid,
373I did but hint and nod.
375They say a nod is equal to a wink;
376And as the question it is no use blinking,
377I read your nod, and did your will like winking.
378K. John. Had'st thou but shook your head and made a fuss,
379Or, to your nose, put up your finger thus;
380I should have been abashed, but, oh, for shame,
381You did the deed, we neither dared to name.
382Hub. Great king, you've slander'd nature much in me,
383For though a rough and blunt old file I be,
384I'm like one of those gentlemen on town,
385Who strut in bear skin jackets up and down,
386Who tho' wrapped in formidable skin,
387Are precious soft and harmless chaps within.
388Young Arthur lives!
390Well, now I look you're not so ugly faced.
391Rage blinded me -- good Hubert, let's be cronies,
392Why, damme you're a regular Adonis! Exit Hubert, L.
393I'm sad, my gloom even my robe betrays,
394But 'tis an old one, one of other days.
395SONG -- King John.
396Air -- "The light of other days."
397The robe of other days has faded,
398 Its gloss has from it past
399For dust with little specks has shaded,
400 The stuff too fine to last.
401The robe of velvet made of cotton,
402 For wear much better pays;
403But, alas, how shabby this I've got on,
404 The robe of other days.
405The coat that is not worth a stiver,
406 An old and worn-out thing;
407When touch'd with black and blue reviver,
408 Like a new one up will spring.
409You may dye the coat of one that's needy,
410 Of stuff as coarse as baize;
411But the robe is done for when 'tis seedy,
412 The robe of other days.
413Exit L.
414SCENE VII -- Part of the orchard of Swinstead Abbey
415Enter King John, R.
416K. John. I don't feel well, and I begin to think
417It was neat gin they gave to me to drink.
418Enter Faulconbridge, R.
419Faul. You enemies are gaining strength each minute.
420K. John. Are they? why then I think the devil's in it,
421Would not the lords return, when it was said,
422'Twas false about young Arthur being dead?
423Faul. They found him dead.
425Young Arthur lived. I'm fainting, catch me -- hold me!
426Faul. My lord, your tendency to drop is such,
427That I should say, you've had a drop too much.
428But rouse thee, give your enemies no quarter,
429Try coffee, seidlitz powders, soda water.
430K. John. In this affair do with me as you will,
431Something or other's made me very ill.
432SONG -- King John.
433Air -- " On the Margin of Zurick's Fair Water."
434If you'll get me some nice soda water,
435 With an I. O. U.
436If they'll take it, sir, that is to say,
437When I settle your wages for the quarter,
438 With an I. O. U.
439For that I'll be happy to pay.
440When I'm rich, none more liberal than me,
441But at present I'm cashless you see,
442Oh, get me the soda I pray,
443 With an I. O. U.
444When you've done so, I for it will pay
445 With an I. O. U.
446With an I. O. U. I for it will pay,
447(Exeunt R.
449Herald. His majesty, the king, is very queer,
450He thinks they gave him gin instead of beer;
451The glasses at our head he has been flinging,
452And when I left him, he was wildly singing.
453Enter King John, reeling, R.
454K. John. Ah, now I've elbow room, what is it hinders
455My active soul from jumping out of windows;
456My pulse against my breast is fiercely prancing,
457Like when a kettle boils the lid is dancing.
458Herald. (L.) How fares the king
459K. John. (Falling on the couch.) What of me dost make fun for,
460Can you not see I'm doubled up and, done for?
461Enter Faulconbridge, R. He kneels to the King.
462Faul. It was the gin did this, I know the odour,
463Why did you not take as I said, the soda?
464K. John. Oh cousin, here's a state in which you've found me,
465Every thing in the place is swimming round me.
466Enter all the Characters for the Finale, R. & L.
467Yes, here is Faulconbridge, gad there's another,
468So like him, I could swear it was his brother;
469The earth is moving under me, oddzooks,
470I feel that I am passing off the hooks,
471Fate comes, we needs must take it, and not pick it,
472Bring me the bucket, for I'm going to kick it.
473(Slow Music -- The King dies.
474Faul. He's gone, at death's particular desire,
475To give his bones to Davy Jones, Esquire.
476(Enter Hubert, he kneels to the body.
477Hub. (L.) Oh, is it true? I can't believe it yet,
478Death has arrested John for nature's debt?
479Death is a creditor that will not trust,
480His cry is always ''Come down with your dust."
481But here (To the audience) his largest debt of all is due,
482The Benefit of the Act he asks from you.
483FINALE -- King John
484Air -- "The Finale to La Somnambula."
485Oh don't fancy when I was lying
486Oh the ground there, while you were crying,
487I'd the slightest idea of dying,
488No, I am not done for quite!
489Then embrace me my gentle Hubert
490All my feelings you cannot view, but
491I've been in a precious stew, but
492 Let us hope now that all is right.
493 Chorus
494 Let us hope now that all is right.
DISPOSITION OF THE CHARACTERS
495At the fall of the Curtain.
496CARDINAL
497Couch.
498BLANCHE. FAUL. CONST. JOHN. HUB. ELINOR. PHIL. AUS.
499LEWIS (R). HERALD (L).