Peer Reviewed
As You Like It (Modern)
Come apace, good Audrey. I will fetch up your 1616goats, Audrey. And how, Audrey, am I the man yet? 1617Doth my simple feature content you?
Your features! Lord warrant us, what features?
I am here with thee and thy goats, as the most 1620capricious poet, honest Ovid, was among the Goths.
[Aside]
Oh, knowledge ill-inhabited, worse than 1622Jove in a thatched house!
When a man's verses cannot be understood, nor 1624a man's good wit seconded with the forward child, understanding, 1625it strikes a man more dead than a great reckoning 1626in a little room. Truly, I would the gods had 1627made thee poetical.
I do not know what "poetical" is. Is it honest in 1629deed and word? Is it a true thing?
No, truly; for the truest poetry is the most feigning, 1631and lovers are given to poetry, and what they 1632swear in poetry it may be said as lovers they do feign.
Do you wish, then, that the gods had made me 1634poetical?
I do, truly; for thou swear'st to me thou art honest. 1636Now, if thou wert a poet, I might have some hope 1637thou didst feign.
Would you not have me honest?
No, truly, unless thou wert hard-favored; for 1640honesty coupled to beauty is to have honey a sauce to 1641sugar.
[Aside]
A material fool!
Well, I am not fair, and therefore I pray the 1644gods make me honest.
Truly, and to cast away honesty upon a foul 1646slut were to put good meat into an unclean dish.
I am not a slut, though I thank the gods I 1648am foul.
Well, praised be the gods for thy foulness! Sluttishness 1650may come hereafter. But be it as it may be, 1651I will marry thee; and to that end I have been with Sir 1652Oliver Mar-text, the vicar of the next village, who hath 1653promised to meet me in this place of the forest, and to 1654couple us.
[Aside]
I would fain see this meeting.
Well, the gods give us joy!
Amen. A man may, if he were of a fearful heart, 1658stagger in this attempt; for here we have no temple 1659but the wood, no assembly but horn-beasts. But 1660what though? Courage! As horns are odious, they are necessary. 1661It is said, "Many a man knows no end of his goods." 1662Right! Many a man has good horns and knows no end of them. 1663Well, that is the dowry of his wife; 'tis none 1664of his own getting. Horns? Even so. Poor men alone? 1665No, no, the noblest deer hath them as huge as the rascal. 1666Is the single man therefore blessed? No. As a walled 1667town is more worthier than a village, so is the forehead 1668of a married man more honorable than the bare 1669brow of a bachelor; and by how much defense is better 1670than no skill, by so much is a horn more precious 1671than to want.
3.3.201673Here comes Sir Oliver. -- Sir Oliver Mar-text, you are 1674well met. Will you dispatch us here under this tree, or 1675shall we go with you to your chapel?
Is there none here to give the woman?
I will not take her on gift of any man.
Truly, she must be given, or the marriage is not 1679lawful.
[Coming forward]
Proceed, proceed. I'll give her.
Good even, good Master What-ye-call't. How do you, 1682sir? You are very well met. God 'ild you for your last company. 1683I am very glad to see you. Even a toy in hand 1684here, sir. -- Nay, pray be covered.
Will you be married, motley?
As the ox hath his bow, sir, the horse his curb, 1687and the falcon her bells, so man hath his desires; and as 1688pigeons bill, so wedlock would be nibbling.
And will you, being a man of your breeding, be 1690married under a bush like a beggar? Get you to church, 1691and have a good priest that can tell you what marriage is. 1692This fellow will but join you together as they 1693join wainscot; then one of you will prove a shrunk panel, 1694and, like green timber warp, warp.
I am not in the mind but I were better to be 1696married of him than of another; for he is not like to marry 1697me well; and not being well married, it will be a good 1698excuse for me hereafter to leave my wife.
Go thou with me, 1700and let me counsel thee.
Come, sweet Audrey.
3.3.37but
[Exeunt Jaques, Touchstone, and Audrey.]
'Tis no matter. Ne'er a fantastical knave of them 1707all shall flout me out of my calling.
Exit.