What the devil hast thou brought there: apple-johns?1032 Thou knowest Sir John cannot endure an apple-john.

Mass, thou sayst true. The prince once set a dish of 1035apple-johns before him and told him there were five more Sir 1036Johns; and, putting off his hat, said, I will now take my leave of 1037these six dry, round, old, withered knights. It angered him to 1038the heart. But he hath forgot that.

Why then, cover, and set them down; and see if 1041thou canst find out Sneak's noise. Mistress Tearsheet would 1042fain hear some music.

Dispatch, the room where they supped is too hot, they'll come in straight.

Sirrah, here will be the prince and Master Poins 1044anon, and they will put on two of our jerkins and aprons, and Sir 1045John must not know of it, Bardolph hath brought word.

By the mass here will be old utis! It will be an excellent 1048stratagem.

I'll see if I can find out Sneak.

I'faith, sweetheart, methinks now you are in an 1052excellent good temperality. Your pulsidge beats as 1053extraordinarily as heart would desire, and your color, I warrant you, 1054is as red as any rose, in good truth, la; but i'faith, you have 1055drunk too much canaries, and that's a marvelous searching 1056wine, and it perfumes the blood ere one can say, "what's this?" 1057How do you now?

Better then I was -- hem.

Why that's well said. A good heart's worth gold. Lo, 1060here comes Sir John.

[Singing]"When Arthur first in court," -- empty the jordan!

-- "and 1063was a worthy king" -- how now, Mistress Doll?

Sick of a calm, yea, good faith.

So is all her sect; an they be once in a calm they are 1066sick.

A pox damn you, you muddy rascal, is that all the comfort you give me?

You make fat rascals, Mistress Doll.

I make them? Gluttony and diseases make them, I make 1071them not.

If the cook help to make the gluttony, you help to 1073make the diseases, Doll. We catch of you, Doll, we catch of you; 1074grant that, my poor virtue, grant that.

Yea joy, our chains and our jewels.

Your brooches, pearls, and ouches -- for to serve bravely 1077is to come halting off, you know; to come off the breach with 1078his pike bent bravely, and to surgery bravely; to venture upon 1079the charged chambers bravely --

Hang yourself, you muddy conger, hang 1079.2yourself.

By my troth, this is the old fashion. You two never meet 1082but you fall to some discord. You are both, i'good truth, as 1083rheumatic as two dry toasts; you cannot one bear with another's 1084confirmities. What the goodyear! [To Doll] One must bear, and that must be 1086you; you are the weaker vessel, as they say, the emptier vessel.

Can a weak, empty vessel bear such a huge full 1089hogshead? There's a whole merchant's venture of Bordeaux stuff 1090in him; you have not seen a hulk better stuffed in the hold. 1091Come, I'll be friends with thee, Jack. Thou art going to the 1092wars, and whether I shall ever see thee again or no there is nobody1093 cares.

Sir, Ancient Pistol's below, and would speak with 1097you.

Hang him, swaggering rascal, let him not come hither. 1099It is the foul-mouthedst rogue in England.

If he swagger, let him not come here. No, by my faith, I must 1102live among my neighbours. I'll no swaggerers. I am in 1103good name and fame with the very best. Shut the door: there 1104comes no swaggerers here. I have not lived all this while to have 1105swaggering now. Shut the door, I pray you.

Dost thou hear, hostess?

Pray ye pacify yourself Sir John, there comes no 1109swaggerers here.

Dost thou hear? It is mine ancient.

Tilly-fally, Sir John, ne'er tell me. And your ancient 1112swaggerer comes not in my doors. I was before Master Tisick, 1113the deputy, t'other day, and, as he said to me -- 'twas no longer ago 1114than Wednesday last, i'good faith -- "neighbor Quickly," says he -- 1115Master Dumb our minister was by then -- "neighbor Quickly," 1116says he, "receive those that are civil, for," said he, "you are in an 1117ill name." Now 'a said so, I can tell whereupon. "For," says he, 1118"you are an honest woman, and well thought on, therefore take 1119heed what guests you receive. Receive," says he, "no 1121swaggering companions." There comes none here. You would bless 1122you to hear what he said. No, I'll no swaggerers.

He's no swaggerer, hostess: a tame cheater i'faith. You 1125may stroke him as gently as a puppy greyhound, he'll not 1126swagger with a Barbary hen, if her feathers turn back in any 1127show of resistance. Call him up, Drawer.

Cheater call you him? I will bar no honest man my 1130house, nor no cheater, but I do not love swaggering, by my troth. 1131I am the worse when one says "swagger." Feel, masters, how I 1132shake, look you, I warrant you.

So you do, hostess.

Do I? Yea, in very truth do I, an 'twere an aspen 1135leaf. I cannot abide swaggerers.

God save you, Sir John.

Welcome, Ancient Pistol. Here Pistol, I charge you 1139with a cup of sack; do you discharge upon mine hostess.

I will discharge upon her, Sir John, with two bullets.

She is pistol-proof, sir; you shall not hardly offend 1144her.

Come, I'll drink no proofs, nor no bullets. I'll drink 1146no more than will do me good, for no man's pleasure, I.

Then, to you, Mistress Dorothy: I will charge you.

Charge me? I scorn you, scurvy companion. What, 1151you poor, base, rascally, cheating, lack-linen mate! Away, you 1152mouldy rogue, away; I am meat for your master.

I know you, Mistress Dorothy.

Away, you cutpurse rascal, you filthy bung, away! 1156By this wine, I'll thrust my knife in your mouldy chaps an 1157you play the saucy cuttle with me. Away, you bottle-ale 1158rascal, you basket-hilt stale juggler, you! Since when, I pray 1159you sir? God's light, with two points on your shoulder? Much!

God let me not live, but I will murder your ruff for this.

No more, Pistol. I would not have you go off here: 1161.2discharge yourself of our company, Pistol.

No, good Captain Pistol, not here, sweet captain.

Captain? Thou abominable damned cheater, art thou 1165not ashamed to be called captain? An captains were of my 1166mind, they would truncheon you out for taking their names 1167upon you before you have earned them. You, a captain? You 1168slave, for what? For tearing a poor whore's ruff in a bawdy 1169house? He, a captain? Hang him, rogue, he lives upon mouldy 1170stewed prunes and dried cakes. A captain? God's light, these 1171villains will make the word as odious as the word "occupy," which 1171.1was an excellent good word before it was ill sorted. Therefore 1172captains had need look to't.

Pray thee go down, good ancient.

Hark thee hither, Mistress Doll.

Not I! I tell thee what, Corporal Bardolph, I could 1177tear her. I'll be revenged of her.

Pray thee go down.

2.4.52I'll see her damned first --

2.4.53To Pluto's damned lake by this 1180hand,

2.4.54To th'infernal deep,

2.4.55With Erebus and tortures vile also.

2.4.56Hold 1181hook and line, say I.

2.4.57Down, down, dogs, down, faitours!

Have 1182we not Hiren here?

Good Captain Peesel be quiet, 'tis very late i'faith. I 1184beseek you now, aggravate your choler.

2.4.61These be good humors indeed. Shall packhorses

2.4.62And 1186hollow pampered jades of Asia,

2.4.63Which cannot go but thirty 1187mile a day,

2.4.64Compare with Caesars and with cannibals,

2.4.65And 1188Trojan Greeks?

2.4.66Nay, rather damn them with King Cerberus,

2.4.67And 1189let the welkin roar. Shall we fall foul for toys?

By my troth, captain, these are very bitter words.

Be gone, good ancient; this will grow to a brawl 1194anon.

Die men like dogs! Give crowns like pins!

2.4.71Have we not 1196Hiren here?

O' my word, captain, there's none such here. What 1198the goodyear, do you think I would deny her? For god's sake, 1199be quiet.

Then feed and be fat, my fair Calipolis.

2.4.74Come, give's 1201some sack,

2.4.75Si fortune me tormente, sperato me contento.

2.4.76Fear we 1202broadsides? No, let the fiend give fire!

2.4.77Give me some sack; and, 1203sweetheart, lie thou there.

2.4.78Come we to full points here? And are 1204etceteras nothings?

Pistol, I would be quiet.

Sweet knight, I kiss thy neaf. What, we have seen 1208the seven stars.

For god's sake thrust him downstairs. I cannot endure 1210such a fustian rascal.

Thrust him downstairs? Know we not Galloway 1212nags?

Quoit him down, Bardolph, like a shove-groat 1214shilling. Nay, an 'a do nothing but speak nothing, 'a shall be 1215nothing here.

Come, get you downstairs.

What shall we have incision? Shall we imbrue?

2.4.86Then 1218death rock me asleep, abridge my doleful days.

2.4.87Why then, 1219let grievous, ghastly, gaping wounds

2.4.88Untwine the sisters three. 1220Come, Atropos, I say!

Here's goodly stuff toward!

Give me my rapier, boy.

I pray thee, Jack, I pray thee, do not draw.

[To Pistol] Get you downstairs.

Here's a goodly tumult! I'll forswear keeping house 1226afore I'll be in these tirrits and frights. So, murder, I warrant now. 1227Alas, alas, put up your naked weapons, put up your naked 1228weapons!

I pray thee, Jack, be quiet. The rascal's gone. Ah, you 1230whoreson, little, valiant villain, you!

Are you not hurt i'th' groin? Methought 'a made a 1232shrewd thrust at your belly.

Have you turned him out o'doors?

Yea, sir; the rascal's drunk. You have hurt him, sir, i'th' 1235shoulder.

A rascal, to brave me!

Ah, you sweet little rogue, you. Alas, poor ape, how thou 1238sweatst. Come, let me wipe thy face. Come on, you whoreson 1239chops. Ah, rogue, i'faith I love thee. Thou art as valorous as 1240Hector of Troy, worth five of Agamemnon, and ten times better 1241than the nine Worthies. Ah, villain!

Ah, rascally slave! I will toss the rogue in a blanket.

Do, an thou dar'st for thy heart. An thou dost, I'll 1246canvas thee between a pair of sheets.

The music is come sir.

Let them play -- play, sirs. Sit on my knee, Doll. A rascal 1250bragging slave! The rogue fled from me like quicksilver.

I'faith, and thou followdst him like a church, thou 1253whoreson little tidy Bartholomew boarpig. When wilt thou 1254leave fighting a days and foining a nights, and begin to patch 1255up thine old body for heaven?

Peace good Doll, do not speak like a death's head; do 1258not bid me remember mine end.

Sirrah, what humor's the prince of?

A good shallow young fellow. 'A would have made a 1261good pantler; 'a would ha' chipped bread well.

They say Poins has a good wit.

He, a good wit? Hang him, baboon. His wit's as thick 1265as Tewksbury mustard; there's no more conceit in him than is 1266in a mallet.

Why does the prince love him so then?

Because their legs are both of a bigness, and 'a plays 1269at quoits well, and eats conger and fennel, and drinks off 1270candles' ends for flap-dragons, and rides the wild mare 1271with the boys, and jumps upon joint-stools, and swears 1272with a good grace, and wears his boots very smooth like 1273unto the sign of the leg, and breeds no bate with 1274telling of discreet stories, and such other gambol faculties 'a has 1275that show a weak mind and an able body, for the which the 1276prince admits him; for the prince himself is such another: the 1278weight of a hair will turn the scales between their avoirdupois.

[Aside to Poins] Would not this nave of a wheel have his ears cut 1281off?

Let's beat him before his whore.

Look whe'er the withered elder hath not his poll 1284clawed like a parrot.

Is it not strange that desire should so many years 1286outlive performance?

Kiss me, Doll.

Saturn and Venus this year in conjunction? What 1289says th'almanac to that?

And look whether the fiery Trigon, his man, be not 1291lisping to his master's old tables, his notebook, his counsel-1292keeper?

Thou dost give me flattering busses.

By my troth, I kiss thee with a most constant heart.

I am old, I am old.

I love thee better than I love e'er a scurvy young boy of 1298them all.

What stuff wilt have a kirtle of? I shall receive money 1300o'Thursday; shalt have a cap tomorrow. A merry song! Come, it 1301grows late; we'll to bed. Thou'lt forget me when I am gone.

By my troth, thou'lt set me a weeping an thou sayst so. 1305Prove that ever I dress myself handsome till thy return! Well, 1306hearken a'th'end.

Some sack, Francis.

[Revealing themselves] Anon, anon, sir!

Ha? A bastard son of the king's? And art not thou 1310Poins, his brother?

Why, thou globe of sinful continents, what a life 1312dost thou lead?

A better than thou: I am a gentleman, thou art a 1314drawer.

Very true sir, and I come to draw you out by the 1316ears.

O the lord preserve thy grace! By my troth, welcome 1318to London. Now the lord bless that sweet face of thine. O 1319Jesu, are you come from Wales?

Thou whoreson mad compound of majesty! By this 1321light flesh, and corrupt blood, thou art welcome.

How? You fat fool, I scorn you!

My lord, he will drive you out of your revenge, 1324and turn all to a merriment if you take not the heat.

[To Falstaff] You whoreson candlemine you, how vilely did you 1327speak of me now, before this honest, virtuous, civil 1328gentlewoman!

God's blessing of your good heart, and so she is by my 1330troth.

Didst thou hear me?

Yea, and you knew me as you did when you ran 1333away by Gad's Hill; you knew I was at your back, and spoke it 1334on purpose to try my patience.

No, no, no, not so; I did not think thou wast within 1336hearing.

I shall drive you then to confess the wilful abuse, 1338and then I know how to handle you.

No abuse, Hal, o'mine honor, no abuse.

Not to dispraise me, and call me pantler and 1341breadchipper, and I know not what?

No abuse, Hal.

No abuse?

No abuse, Ned, i'th'world, honest Ned, none. I 1345dispraised him before the wicked, [To the prince] that the wicked might not fall 1346in love with thee; in which doing, I have done the part of a 1347careful friend and a true subject, and thy father is to give me 1348thanks for it. No abuse Hal, none Ned, none, no -- faith, boys, 1349none.

See now whether pure fear and entire cowardice, 1351doth not make thee wrong this virtuous gentlewoman to close 1352with us. Is she of the wicked? Is thine hostess here of the 1353wicked? Or is thy boy of the wicked? Or honest Bardolph, whose zeal 1354burns in his nose, of the wicked?

Answer, thou dead elm, answer.

The fiend hath pricked down Bardolph irrecoverable, 1358and his face is Lucifer's privy kitchen, where he doth nothing 1359but roast malt-worms. For the boy, there is a good angel about 1360him, but the devil blinds him too.

For the women?

For one of them, she's in hell already, and burns 1364poor souls. For th'other, I owe her money, and whether she be 1365damned for that I know not.

No, I warrant you.

No, I think thou art not. I think thou art quit for 1369that. Marry, there is another indictment upon thee, for suffering 1370flesh to be eaten in thy house, contrary to the law, for the which 1371I think thou wilt howl.

All victuallers do so, what's a joint of mutton or two in a 1373whole Lent?

You, gentlewoman --

What says your grace?

His grace says that which his flesh rebels against.

Who knocks so loud at door? Look to'th'door 1379there, Francis.

Peto, how now, what news?

The king your father is at Westminster,

2.4.1601383And there are twenty weak and wearied posts

2.4.1611384Come from the north, and as I came along

2.4.1621385I met and overtook a dozen captains,

2.4.1631386Bareheaded, sweating, knocking at the taverns,

2.4.1641387And asking everyone for Sir John Falstaff.

By heaven, Poins, I feel me much to blame

2.4.1661389So idly to profane the precious time,

2.4.1671390When tempest of commotion, like the south,

2.4.1681391Born with black vapor, doth begin to melt

2.4.1691392And drop upon our bare unarmèd heads.

2.4.1701393Give me my sword and cloak. -- Falstaff, good night.

Now comes in the sweetest morsel of the night, and we 1396must hence and leave it unpicked. [Knocking. Exit Bardolph.] More knocking at the door? 1397How now, what's the matter?

You must away to court, sir, presently.

2.4.1731400A dozen captains stay at door for you.

[To Page] Pay the musicians, sirrah. Farewell, hostess. Farewell Doll. 1402You see, my good wenches, how men of merit are sought 1403after. The undeserver may sleep when the man of action is called 1404on. Farewell, good wenches, if I be not sent away post, I will 1405see you again ere I go.

I cannot speak. If my heart be not ready to burst! Well, 1408sweet Jack, have a care of thyself.

Farewell, farewell.

Well, fare thee well. I have known thee these twenty 1412nine years come peasecod-time, but an honester and truer-1413hearted man -- well, fare thee well.

[Within] Mistress Tearsheet!

What's the matter?

[Within] Bid Mistress Tearsheet come to my master.

O run Doll, run, run, good Doll. Come, she 1418.1comes blubbered, yea! Will you come Doll?