277Fal. Sirra, you giant, what saies the Doct. to my water?

278Pag. He said sir, the water it selfe was a good healthy

279water: but for the party that ow'd it, he might haue more

280diseases then he knew for.

281Fal. Men of all sorts take a pride to gird at mee: the

282braine of this foolish compounded Clay-man, is not able

283to inuent any thing that tends to laughter, more then I

284inuent, or is inuented on me. I am not onely witty in my

285selfe, but the cause that wit is in other men. I doe heere

286walke before thee, like a Sow, that hath o'rewhelm'd all

287her Litter, but one. If the Prince put thee into my Ser-

288uice for any other reason, then to set mee off, why then I

289haue no iudgement. Thou horson Mandrake, thou art

290fitter to be worne in my cap, then to wait at my heeles. I

291was neuer mann'd with an Agot till now: but I will sette

292you neyther in Gold, nor Siluer, but in vilde apparell, and

293send you backe againe to your Master, for a Iewell. The

294Iuuenall (the Prince your Master) whose Chin is not yet

295fledg'd, I will sooner haue a beard grow in the Palme of

296my hand, then he shall get one on his cheeke: yet he will

297not sticke to say, his Face is a Face-Royall. Heauen may

298finish it when he will, it is not a haire amisse yet: he may

299keepe it still at a Face-Royall, for a Barber shall neuer

300earne six pence out of it; and yet he will be crowing, as if

301he had writ man euer since his Father was a Batchellour.

302He may keepe his owne Grace, but he is almost out of

303mine, I can assure him. What said M. Dombledon, about

304the Satten for my short Cloake, and Slops?

305Pag. He said sir, you should procure him better Assu-

306rance, then Bardolfe: he wold not take his Bond & yours,

307he lik'd not the Security.

308Fal. Let him bee damn'd like the Glutton, may his

309Tongue be hotter, a horson Achitophel; a Rascally-yea-

310forsooth-knaue, to beare a Gentleman in hand, and then

311stand vpon Security? The horson smooth-pates doe now

312weare nothing but high shoes, and bunches of Keyes at

313their girdles: and if a man is through with them in ho-

314nest Taking-vp, then they must stand vpon Securitie: I

315had as liefe they would put Rats-bane in my mouth, as

316offer to stoppe it with Security. I look'd hee should haue

317sent me two and twenty yards of Satten (as I am true

318Knight) and he sends me Security. Well, he may sleep in

319Security, for he hath the horne of Abundance: and the

320lightnesse of his Wife shines through it, and yet cannot

321he see, though he haue his owne Lanthorne to light him.

322Where's Bardolfe?

323Pag. He's gone into Smithfield to buy your worship

324a horse.

325Fal. I bought him in Paules, and hee'l buy mee a horse

326in Smithfield. If I could get mee a wife in the Stewes, I

327were Mann'd, Hors'd, and Wiu'd.

329Pag. Sir, heere comes the Nobleman that committed

330the Prince for striking him, about Bardolfe.

331Fal. Wait close, I will not see him.

332Ch. Iust. What's he that goes there?

333Ser. Falstaffe, and't please your Lordship.

334Iust. He that was in question for the Robbery?

335Ser. He my Lord, but he hath since done good seruice

336at Shrewsbury: and (as I heare) is now going with some

337Charge, to the Lord Iohn of Lancaster.

338Iust. What to Yorke? Call him backe againe.

339Ser. Sir Iohn Falstaffe.

340Fal. Boy, tell him, I am deafe.

341Pag. You must speake lowder, my Master is deafe.

342Iust. I am sure he is, to the hearing of any thing good.

343Go plucke him by the Elbow, I must speake with him.

344Ser. Sir Iohn.

345Fal. What? a yong knaue and beg? Is there not wars? Is

346there not imployment? Doth not the K. lack subiects? Do

347not the Rebels want Soldiers? Though it be a shame to be

348on any side but one, it is worse shame to begge, then to

349be on the worst side, were it worse then the name of Re-

350bellion can tell how to make it.

351Ser. You mistake me Sir.

352Fal. Why sir? Did I say you were an honest man? Set-

353ting my Knight-hood, and my Souldiership aside, I had

354lyed in my throat, if I had said so.

355Ser. I pray you (Sir) then set your Knighthood and

356your Souldier-ship aside, and giue mee leaue to tell you,

357you lye in your throat, if you say I am any other then an

358honest man.

359Fal. I giue thee leaue to tell me so? I lay a-side that

360which growes to me? If thou get'st any leaue of me, hang

361me: if thou tak'st leaue, thou wer't better be hang'd: you

362Hunt-counter, hence: Auant.

363Ser. Sir, my Lord would speake with you.

364Iust. Sir Iohn Falstaffe, a word with you.

365Fal. My good Lord: giue your Lordship good time of

366the day. I am glad to see your Lordship abroad: I heard

367say your Lordship was sicke. I hope your Lordship goes

368abroad by aduise. Your Lordship (though not clean past

369your youth) hath yet some smack of age in you: some rel-

370lish of the saltnesse of Time, and I most humbly beseech

371your Lordship, to haue a reuerend care of your health.

372Iust. Sir Iohn, I sent you before your Expedition, to

373Shrewsburie.

374Fal. If it please your Lordship, I heare his Maiestie is

375return'd with some discomfort from Wales.

376Iust. I talke not of his Maiesty: you would not come

377when I sent for you?

378Fal. And I heare moreouer, his Highnesse is falne into

379this same whorson Apoplexie.

380Iust. Well, heauen mend him. I pray let me speak with (you.

381Fal. This Apoplexie is (as I take it) a kind of Lethar-

382gie, a sleeping of the blood, a horson Tingling.

383Iust. What tell you me of it? be it as it is.

384Fal. It hath it originall from much greefe; from study

385and perturbation of the braine. I haue read the cause of

386his effects in Galen. It is a kinde of deafenesse.

387Iust. I thinke you are falne into the disease: For you

388heare not what I say to you.

389Fal. Very well (my Lord) very well: rather an't please

390you) it is the disease of not Listning, the malady of not

391Marking, that I am troubled withall.

392Iust. To punish you by the heeles, would amend the

393attention of your eares, & I care not if I be your Physitian

394Fal. I am as poore as Iob, my Lord; but not so Patient:

395your Lordship may minister the Potion of imprisonment

396to me, in respect of Pouertie: but how I should bee your

397Patient, to follow your prescriptions, the wise may make

398some dram of a scruple, or indeede, a scruple it selfe.

399Iust. I sent for you (when there were matters against

400you for your life) to come speake with me.

401Fal. As I was then aduised by my learned Councel, in

402the lawes of this Land-seruice, I did not come.

403Iust. Wel, the truth is (sir Iohn) you liue in great infamy

404Fal. He that buckles him in my belt, cānnot liue in lesse.

405Iust. Your Meanes is very slender, and your wast great.

406Fal. I would it were otherwise: I would my Meanes

407were greater, and my waste slenderer.

408Iust. You haue misled the youthfull Prince.

409Fal. The yong Prince hath misled mee. I am the Fel-

410low with the great belly, and he my Dogge.

411Iust. Well, I am loth to gall a new-heal'd wound: your

412daies seruice at Shrewsbury, hath a little gilded ouer

413your Nights exploit on Gads-hill. You may thanke the

414vnquiet time, for your quiet o're-posting that Action.

415Fal. My Lord?

416Iust. But since all is wel, keep it so: wake not a sleeping (Wolfe.

417Fal. To wake a Wolfe, is as bad as to smell a Fox.

418Iu. What? you are as a candle, the better part burnt out

419Fal. A Wassell-Candle, my Lord; all Tallow: if I did

420say of wax, my growth would approue the truth.

421Iust. There is not a white haire on your face, but shold

422haue his effect of grauity.

423Fal. His effect of grauy, grauy, grauy.

424Iust You follow the yong Prince vp and downe, like

425his euill Angell.

426Fal. Not so (my Lord) your ill Angell is light: but I

427hope, he that lookes vpon mee, will take mee without,

428weighing: and yet, in some respects I grant, I cannot go:

429I cannot tell. Vertue is of so little regard in these Costor-

430mongers, that true valor is turn'd Beare-heard. Pregnan-

431cie is made a Tapster, and hath his quicke wit wasted in

432giuing Recknings: all the other gifts appertinent to man

433(as the malice of this Age shapes them) are not woorth a

434Gooseberry. You that are old, consider not the capaci-

435ties of vs that are yong: you measure the heat of our Li-

436uers, with the bitternes of your gals: & we that are in the

437vaward of our youth, I must confesse, are wagges too.

438Iust. Do you set downe your name in the scrowle of

439youth, that are written downe old, with all the Charrac-

440ters of age? Haue you not a moist eye? a dry hand? a yel-

441low cheeke? a white beard? a decreasing leg? an incresing

442belly? Is not your voice broken? your winde short? your

443wit single? and euery part about you blasted with Anti-

444quity? and wil you cal your selfe yong? Fy, fy, fy, sir Iohn.

445Fal. My Lord, I was borne with a white head, & som-

446thing a round belly. For my voice, I haue lost it with hal-

447lowing and singing of Anthemes. To approue my youth

448farther, I will not: the truth is, I am onely olde in iudge-

449ment and vnderstanding: and he that will caper with mee

450for a thousand Markes, let him lend me the mony, & haue

451at him. For the boxe of th'eare that the Prince gaue you,

452he gaue it like a rude Prince, and you tooke it like a sensi-

453ble Lord. I haue checkt him for it, and the yong Lion re-

454pents: Marry not in ashes and sacke-cloath, but in new

455Silke, and old Sacke.

456Iust. Wel, heauen send the Prince a better companion.

457Fal. Heauen send the Companion a better Prince: I

458cannot rid my hands of him.

459Iust. Well, the King hath seuer'd you and Prince Har-

460ry, I heare you are going with Lord Iohn of Lancaster, a-

461gainst the Archbishop, and the Earle of Northumberland

462Fal. Yes, I thanke your pretty sweet wit for it: but

463looke you pray, (all you that kisse my Ladie Peace, at

464home) that our Armies ioyn not in a hot day: for if I take

465but two shirts out with me, and I meane not to sweat ex-

466traordinarily: if it bee a hot day, if I brandish any thing

467but my Bottle, would I might neuer spit white againe:

468There is not a daungerous Action can peepe out his head,

469but I am thrust vpon it. Well, I cannot last euer.

470Iust. Well, be honest, be honest, and heauen blesse your

471Expedition.

472Fal. Will your Lordship lend mee a thousand pound,

473to furnish me forth?

474Iust. Not a peny, not a peny: you are too impatient

475to beare crosses. Fare you well. Commend mee to my

476Cosin Westmerland.

477Fal. If I do, fillop me with a three-man-Beetle. A man

478can no more separate Age and Couetousnesse, then he can

479part yong limbes and letchery: but the Gowt galles the

g2 one,

480one, and the pox pinches the other; and so both the De-

481grees preuent my curses. Boy?

482Page. Sir.

483Fal. What money is in my purse?

484Page. Seuen groats, and two pence.

485Fal. I can get no remedy against this Consumption of

486the purse. Borrowing onely lingers, and lingers it out,

487but the disease is incureable. Go beare this letter to my

488Lord of Lancaster, this to the Prince, this to the Earle of

489Westmerland, and this to old Mistris Vrsula, whome I

490haue weekly sworne to marry, since I perceiu'd the first

491white haire on my chin. About it: you know where to

492finde me. A pox of this Gowt, or a Gowt of this Poxe:

493for the one or th'other playes the rogue with my great

494toe: It is no matter, if I do halt, I haue the warres for my

495colour, and my Pension shall seeme the more reasonable.

496A good wit will make vse of any thing: I will turne dis-

497eases to commodity. Exeunt