2004Falst. Bardolph, am I not falne away vilely, since this

2005last action? doe I not bate? doe I not dwindle? Why

2006my skinne hangs about me like an olde Ladies loose

2007Gowne: I am withered like an olde Apple Iohn. Well,

2008Ile repent, and that suddenly, while I am in some liking:

2009I shall be out of heart shortly, and then I shall haue no

2010strength to repent. And I haue not forgotten what the

2011in-side of a Church is made of, I am a Pepper-Corne, a

2012Brewers Horse, the in-side of a Church. Company, villa-

2013nous Company hath beene the spoyle of me.

2014Bard. Sir Iohn, you are so fretfull, you cannot liue

2015long.

2016Falst. Why there is it: Come, sing me a bawdy Song,

2017make me merry: I was as vertuously giuen, as a Gentle-

2018man need to be; vertuous enough, swore little, dic'd not

2019aboue seuen times a weeke, went to a Bawdy-house not

2020aboue once in a quarter of an houre, payd Money that I

2021borrowed, three or foure times; liued well, and in good

2022compasse: and now I liue out of all order, out of com-

2023passe.

2024Bard. Why, you are so fat, Sir Iohn, that you must

2025needes bee out of of all compasse; out all reasonable

2026compasse, Sir Iohn.

2027Falst. Doe thou amend thy Face, and Ile amend thy

2028Life: Thou art our Admirall, thou bearest the Lanterne

2029in the Poope, but 'tis in the Nose of thee; thou art the

2030Knight of the burning Lampe.

2031Bard. Why, Sir Iohn, my Face does you no harme.

2032Falst. No, Ile be sworne: I make as good vse of it, as

2033many a man doth of a Deaths-Head, or a Memento Mori.

2034I neuer see thy Face, but I thinke vpon Hell fire, and Diues

2035that liued in Purple; for there he is in his Robes burning,

2036burning. If thou wert any way giuen to vertue, I would

2037sweare by thy Face; my Oath should bee, By this Fire:

2038But thou art altogether giuen ouer; and wert indeede,

2039but for the Light in thy Face, the Sunne of vtter Darke-

2040nesse. When thou ran'st vp Gads-Hill in the Night, to

2041catch my Horse, if I did not thinke that thou hadst beene

2042an Ignis fatuus, or a Ball of Wild-fire, there's no Purchase

2043in Money. O, thou art a perpetuall Triumph, an euer-

2044lasting Bone-fire-Light: thou hast saued me a thousand

2045Markes in Linkes and Torches, walking with thee in the

2046Night betwixt Tauerne and Tauerne: But the Sack that

2047thou hast drunke me, would haue bought me Lights as

2048good cheape, as the dearest Chandlers in Europe. I haue

2049maintain'd that Salamander of yours with fire, any time

2050this two and thirtie yeeres, Heauen reward me for it.

2051Bard. I would my Face were in your Belly.

2052Falst. So should I be sure to be heart-burn'd.

2054How now, Dame Partlet the Hen, haue you enquir'd yet

2055who pick'd my Pocket?

2056Hostesse. Why Sir Iohn, what doe you thinke, Sir Iohn?

2057doe you thinke I keepe Theeues in my House? I haue

2058search'd, I haue enquired, so haz my Husband, Man by

2059Man, Boy by Boy, Seruant by Seruant: the tight of a

2060hayre was neuer lost in my house before.

2061Falst. Ye lye Hostesse: Bardolph was shau'd, and lost

2062many a hayre; and Ile be sworne my Pocket was pick'd:

2063goe to, you are a Woman, goe.

2064Hostesse. Who I? I defie thee: I was neuer call'd so

2065in mine owne house before.

2066Falst. Goe to, I know you well enough.

2067Hostesse. No, sir Iohn, you doe not know me, Sir Iohn:

2068I know you, Sir Iohn: you owe me Money, Sir Iohn, and

2069now you picke a quarrell, to beguile me of it: I bought

2070you a dozen of Shirts to your Backe.

2071Falst. Doulas, filthy Doulas: I haue giuen them

2072away to Bakers Wiues, and they haue made Boulters of

2073them.

2074Hostesse. Now as I am a true Woman, Holland of eight

2075shillings an Ell: You owe Money here besides, Sir Iohn,

2076for your Dyet, and by-Drinkings, and Money lent you,

2077foure and twentie pounds.

2078Falst. Hee had his part of it, let him pay.

2079Hostesse. Hee? alas hee is poore, hee hath no-

2080thing.

2081Falst. How? Poore? Looke vpon his Face: What call

2082you Rich? Let them coyne his Nose, let them coyne his

2083Cheekes, Ile not pay a Denier. What, will you make a

2084Younker of me? Shall I not take mine ease in mine Inne,

2085but I shall haue my Pocket pick'd? I haue lost a Seale-

2086Ring of my Grand-fathers, worth fortie Marke.

2087Hostesse. I haue heard the Prince tell him, I know not

2088how oft, that that Ring was Copper.

2089Falst. How? the Prince is a Iacke, a Sneake-Cuppe:

2090and if hee were heere, I would cudgell him like a Dogge,

2091if hee would say so.

2095Falst. How now Lad? is the Winde in that Doore?

2096Must we all march?

2097Bard. Yea, two and two, Newgate fashion.

2098Hostesse. My Lord, I pray you heare me.

2099Prince. What say'st thou, Mistresse Quickly? How

2100does thy Husband? I loue him well, hee is an honest

2101man.

2102Hostesse. Good, my Lord, heare mee.

2103Falst. Prethee let her alone, and list to mee.

2104Prince. What say'st thou, Iacke?

2105Falst. The other Night I fell asleepe heere behind the

2106Arras, and had my Pocket pickt: this House is turn'd

2107Bawdy-house, they picke Pockets.

2108Prince. What didst thou lose, Iacke?

2109Falst. Wilt thou beleeue me, Hal? Three or foure Bonds

2110of fortie pound apeece, and a Seale-Ring of my Grand-

2111fathers.

2112Prince. A Trifle, some eight-penny matter.

2113Host. So I told him, my Lord; and I said, I heard your

2114Grace say so: and (my Lord) hee speakes most vilely of

2115you, like a foule-mouth'd man as hee is, and said, hee

2116would cudgell you.

2117Prince. What hee did not?

2118Host. There's neyther Faith, Truth, nor Woman-hood

2119in me else.

2120Falst. There's no more faith in thee then a stu'de Prune;

2121nor no more truth in thee, then in a drawne Fox: and for

2122Wooman-hood, Maid-marian may be the Deputies wife

2123of the Ward to thee. Go you nothing: go.

2124Host. Say, what thing? what thing?

2125Falst. What thing? why a thing to thanke heauen on.

2126Host. I am no thing to thanke heauen on, I wold thou

2127shouldst know it: I am an honest mans wife: and setting

2128thy Knighthood aside, thou art a knaue to call me so.

2129Falst. Setting thy woman-hood aside, thou art a beast

2130to say otherwise.

2131Host. Say, what beast, thou knaue thou?

2132Fal. What beast? Why an Otter.

2133Prin. An Otter, sir Iohn? Why an Otter?

2134Fal. Why? She's neither fish nor flesh; a man knowes

2135not where to haue her.

2136Host. Thou art vniust man in saying so; thou, or anie

2137man knowes where to haue me, thou knaue thou.

2138Prince. Thou say'st true Hostesse, and he slanders thee

2139most grossely.

2140Host. So he doth you, my Lord, and sayde this other

2141day, You ought him a thousand pound.

2142Prince. Sirrah, do I owe you a thousand pound?

2143Falst. A thousand pound Hal? A Million. Thy loue is

2144worth a Million: thou ow'st me thy loue.

2145Host. Nay my Lord, he call'd you Iacke, and said hee

2146would cudgell you.

2147Fal. Did I, Bardolph?

2148Bar. Indeed Sir Iohn, you said so.

2149Fal. Yea, if he said my Ring was Copper.

2150Prince. I say 'tis Copper. Dar'st thou bee as good as

2151thy word now?

2152Fal. Why Hal? thou know'st, as thou art but a man, I

2153dare: but, as thou art a Prince, I feare thee, as I feare the

2154roaring of the Lyons Whelpe.

2155Prince. And why not as the Lyon?

2156Fal. The King himselfe is to bee feared as the Lyon:

2157Do'st thou thinke Ile feare thee, as I feare thy Father? nay

2158if I do, let my Girdle breake.

2159Prin. O, if it should. how would thy guttes fall about

2160thy knees. But sirra: There's no roome for Faith, Truth,

2161nor Honesty, in this bosome of thine: it is all fill'd vppe

2162with Guttes and Midriffe. Charge an honest Woman

2163with picking thy pocket? Why thou horson impudent

2164imbost Rascall, if there were any thing in thy Pocket but

2165Tauerne Recknings, Memorandums of Bawdie-houses,

2166and one poore peny-worth of Sugar-candie to make thee

2167long-winded: if thy pocket were enrich'd with anie o-

2168ther iniuries but these, I am a Villaine: And yet you will

2169stand to it, you will not Pocket vp wrong. Art thou not

2170asham'd?

2171Fal. Do'st thou heare Hal? Thou know'st in the state

2172of Innocency, Adam fell: and what should poore Iacke

2173Falstaffe do, in the dayes of Villany? Thou seest, I haue

2174more flesh then another man, and therefore more frailty.

2175You confesse then you pickt my Pocket?

2176Prin. It appeares so by the Story.

2177Fal. Hostesse, I forgiue thee:

2178Go make ready Breakfast, loue thy Husband,

2179Looke to thy Seruants, and cherish thy Guests:

2180Thou shalt find me tractable to any honest reason:

2181Thou seest, I am pacified still.

2182Nay, I prethee be gone.

2184Now Hal, to the newes at Court for the Robbery, Lad?

2185How is that answered?

2186Prin. O my sweet Beefe:

2187I must still be good Angell to thee.

2188The Monie is paid backe againe.

2189Fal. O, I do not like that paying backe, 'tis a double

2190Labour.

2191Prin. I am good Friends with my Father, and may do

2192any thing.

2193Fal. Rob me the Exchequer the first thing thou do'st,

2194and do it with vnwash'd hands too.

2195Bard. Do my Lord.

2196Prin. I haue procured thee Iacke, a Charge of Foot.

2197Fal. I would it had beene of Horse. Where shal I finde

2198one that can steale well? O, for a fine theefe of two and

2199twentie, or thereabout: I am heynously vnprouided. Wel

2200God be thanked for these Rebels, they offend none but

2201the Vertuous. I laud them, I praise them.

2202Prin. Bardolph.

2203Bar. My Lord.

2204Prin. Go beare this Letter to Lord Iohn of Lancaster

2205To my Brother Iohn. This to my Lord of Westmerland,

2206Go Peto, to horse: for thou, and I,

2207Haue thirtie miles to ride yet ere dinner time.

2208Iacke, meet me to morrow in the Temple Hall

2209At two a clocke in the afternoone,

2210There shalt thou know thy Charge, and there receiue

2211Money and Order for their Furniture.

2212The Land is burning, Percie stands on hye,

2213And either they, or we must lower lye.

2214Fal. Rare words! braue world.

2215Hostesse, my breakfast, come:

2216Oh, I could wish this Tauerne were my drumme.