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- Edition: As You Like It
Everyman In His Humor (Modern)
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5.3.22308[Enter DOCTOR Clement, Thorello, Lorenzo Sr., Bianca, Piso, Tib, [and] a Servant or two of the Doctor's.
Nay, but stay, stay. Give me leave. [To a Servant] My 2310chair, sirrah. -- You, Signor Lorenzo, say you went thither to meet your son?
Ay, sir.
But who directed you thither?
That did my man, sir.
Where is he?
Nay, I know not now. I left him with your clerk, and appointed him to stay here for me.
About what time was this?
Marry, between one and two, as I take it.
So, what time came my man with the message for you, Signor Thorello?
After two, sir.
Very good. -- But lady, how that you were at Cob's, ha?
An please you, sir, I'll tell you. My brother Prospero told me that Cob's house was a suspected place.
So it appears, methinks. But on.
And that my husband used thither daily.
No matter, so he use himself well.
True, sir, but you know what grows by such haunts oftentimes.
Ay, rank fruits of a jealous brain, lady. But did you find your husband there in that case, as you suspected?
I found her there, sir.
Did you so? That alters the case. Who gave you knowledge of your wife's being there?
Marry, that did my brother Prospero.
How? Prospero first tell her, then tell you after? Where is Prospero?
Gone with my sister, sir, I know not whither.
Why, this is a mere trick, a device. You are gulled 2333in this most grossly.
[To Tib] Alas, poor wench, wert thou beaten for this?
Sir, there's a gentleman in the court without desires to speak with Your Worship.
A gentleman? What's he?
A soldier, sir, he saith.
A soldier? Fetch me my armor, my sword quickly! A soldier 2340speak with me? Why, when, knaves?
[He is brought armor, and arms himself.] Come 2341on, come on, hold my cap there, so; give me my gorget, my sword. 2342[To Lorenzo Sr., Thorello, and Bianca] Stand by. I will end your matters anon. 2343[To the Servant] Let the soldier enter. [The Servant goes to the door.]
By Your Worship's favor --
[To Matheo] Nay, keep out, sir, I know not your pretense. 2348[To Bobadilla] You send me word, sir, you are a soldier. Why, sir, you 2349shall be answered here; here be them have been amongst soldiers. Sir, your pleasure.
Faith, sir, so it is: This gentleman and myself have been 2351most violently wronged by one Signor Giuliano, a gallant of the city here. And 2352for my own part, I protest, being a man in no sort given to 2353this filthy humor of quarreling, he hath assaulted me in the way of my 2354peace, despoiled me of mine honor, disarmed me of my weapons, and beaten me 2355in the open streets, when I not so much as once offered to resist him.
Oh, God's precious! Is this the soldier?
[To the Servant] Here, 2357take my armor quickly; 'twill make him swoon, I fear. He is not fit 2358to look on't that will put up a blow.
An't please Your Worship, he was bound to the peace.
Why, an he were, sir, his hands were not bound, were they?
There is one of the varlets of the city has brought two gentlemen here upon arrest, sir.
Bid him come in. Set by the picture.
5.3.452366Now, sir, what? Signor Giuliano? Is't you that are arrested at Signor Freshwater's suit here?
I'faith, Master Doctor, and here's another brought at my suit.
[To Stephano] What are you, sir?
A gentleman, sir. [Seeing Lorenzo Sr.] Oh, uncle!
Uncle? Who, Lorenzo?
Ay, sir.
God's my witness, uncle, I am wronged here monstrously! He chargeth 2373me with stealing of his cloak, and would I might never stir if I 2374did not find it in the street by chance.
Oh, did you find it, now? You said you bought it erewhile.
And you said I stole it. Nay, now my uncle is here I care not.
Well, let this breathe a while.
[To Bobadilla] You that have 2378cause to complain there, stand forth. Had you a warrant for this arrest?
Ay, an't please Your Worship.
Nay, do not speak in passion so. Where had you it?
Of your clerk, sir.
That's well, an my clerk can make warrants and my hand not at them! Where is the warrant? --Varlet, have you it?
No, sir, Your Worship's man bid me do it for these gentlemen, and he would be my discharge.
Why, Signor Giuliano, are you such a novice to be arrested and never see the warrant?
Why, sir, he did not arrest me.
No? How then?
Marry, sir, he came to me and said he must arrest me and he would use me kindly, and so forth.
Oh, God's pity, was it so, sir? He must arrest you?
2389[To a Servant] Give me my long-sword there. Help me off, so. -- Come 2390on, sir varlet. [Musco kneels as Doctor Clement flourishes over him with his long-sword.] 2391I must cut off your legs, sirrah. Nay, stand up; I'll use you kindly. 2392I must cut off your legs, I say.
Oh, good sir, I beseech you! Nay, good Master Doctor. Oh, good sir!
I must do it; there is no remedy. I must cut 2395off your legs, sirrah; I must cut off your ears, you rascal, I must 2396do it. I must cut off your nose; I must cut off your head.
Oh, for God sake, good Master Doctor!
Well, rise.
[Musco rises.] How dost thou now? Dost thou feel thyself well? Hast thou no harm?
No, I thank God, sir, and Your good Worship.
Why, so. I said I must cut off thy legs, and 2401I must cut off thy arms, and I must cut off thy head, but 2402I did not do it. So you said you must arrest this gentleman, but 2403you did not arrest him. You knave, you slave, you rogue! Do you say 2404you "must" arrest?
[To a Servant] Sirrah, away with him to the jail! [To 2405Musco] I'll teach you a trick for your "must."
Good Master Doctor, I beseech you, be good to me.
Marry o' God! Away with him, I say!
[Aside] Nay, 'sblood, before I go to prison, I'll put 2409on my old brazen face and disclaim in my vocation. I'll discover, that's flat. 2410An I be committed, it shall be for the committing of more villainies than 2411this. Hang me an I lose the least grain of my fame!
Why, when, knave? By God's marry, I'll clap thee by the heels, too.
[Servants seize Musco.]
Hold, hold, I pray you!
What's the matter?
[To the Servants] Stay there.
Faith, sir, afore I go to this house of bondage, I 2417have a case to unfold to Your Worship. Which, that it may appear the 2418more plain unto Your Worship's view, I do thus first of all uncase [Removing 2419his disguise] and appear in mine own proper nature: servant to this gentleman [Pointing 2420to Knowell Sr.] and known by the name of Musco.
Ha? Musco!
Oh, uncle, Musco has been with my cousin and I all this day.
Did not I tell you there was some device?
Nay, good Master Doctor, since I have laid myself thus open 2425to Your Worship, now stand strong for me till the progress of my tale 2426be ended. And then if my wit do not deserve your countenance, 'slight, throw 2427it on a dog and let me go hang myself.
Body of me, a merry knave! Give me a bowl of 2429sack.
[A Servant brings him drink.] Signor Lorenzo, I bespeak your patience in particular, 2430marry, your ears in general. [He offers a toast to Musco.] Here, knave, Doctor 2431Clement drinks to thee.
I pledge, Master Doctor, an 'twere a sea, to the bottom.
Fill his bowl for that, fill his bowl.
[Musco's cup is filled.] So, now speak freely.
[Drinking] Indeed, this is it will make a man speak freely. 2435But to the point: know then that I, Musco, being somewhat more trusted of 2436my master than reason required, and knowing his intent to Florence, did assume the habit of a poor soldier in wants. And, minding by some means to intercept 2438his journey in the midway, 'twixt the grange and the city I encountered him. 2439Where, begging of him in the most accomplished and true garb, as they term 2440it, contrary to all expectation he reclaimed me from that bad course of life, 2441entertained me into his service, employed me in his business, possessed me with his 2442secrets -- which I no sooner had received but, seeking my young master and 2443finding him at this gentleman's house [Pointing to Prospero], I revealed all most amply. 2444This done, by the device of Signor Prospero and him together I returned (as 2445the raven did to the ark) to mine old master again, told him he 2446should find his son, in what manner he knows, at one Cob's house -- 2447where indeed he never meant to come. Now my master, he, to maintain the 2448jest, went thither and left me with Your Worship's clerk, who, being of a 2449most fine, supple disposition (as most of your clerks are), proffers me the wine 2450which I had the grace to accept very easily, and to the tavern we 2451went. There, after much ceremony, I made him drunk in kindness, stripped him to 2452his shirt, and, leaving him in that cool vein, departed frolic, courtier-like, having obtained 2453a suit. Which suit fitting me exceedingly well, I put on, and, usurping your 2454man's phrase and action, carried a message to Signor Thorello in your name. Which 2455message was merely devised but to procure his absence while Signor Prospero might make a conveyance of Hesperida to my master.
Stay. Fill me the bowl again.
[His wine is replenished.] Here. 2457'Twere pity of his life would not cherish such a spirit! [To Musco] I 2458drink to thee. [They drink.] Fill him wine. [To Thorello] Why, now do you 2459perceive the trick of it?
Ay, I perceive well we were all abused.
Well, what remedy?
Where is Lorenzo and Prospero? Canst thou tell?
Ay, sir, they are at supper at the Mermaid, where I left your man.
[To a Servant] Sirrah, go warn them hither presently before me, 2465and, if the hour of your fellow's resurrection be come, bring him too.
Marry, sir, coming along the street, these two gentlemen [Pointing to 2469Bobadilla and Matheo] meet me, and, very strongly supposing me to be Your Worship's 2470scribe, entreated me to procure them a warrant for the arrest of Signor Giuliano. 2471I promised them upon some pair of silk stockings or a jewel or so 2472to do it, and to get a varlet of the city to serve it; 2473which varlet I appointed should meet them upon the Rialto at such an hour. 2474They no sooner gone but I, in a mere hope of more gain by 2475Signor Giuliano, went to one of Satan's old ingles, a broker, and there pawned 2476your man's livery for a varlet's suit, which, here with myself, I offer unto Your Worship's consideration.
Well, give me thy hand. Proh superi! Ingenium magnum quis 2478nosset Homerum, Ilias aeternum si latuisset opus ? I admire thee, I honor thee, 2479and, if thy master or any man here be angry with thee, I shall 2480suspect his wit while I know him for it. -- Do you hear, Signor 2481Thorello, Signor Lorenzo, and the rest of my good friends? I pray you, let 2482me have peace when they come. I have sent for the two gallants and 2483Hesperida. God's marry, I must have you friends.
[A noise is heard.] How now? What noise is there?
Sir, it is Peto is come home.
Peto? Bring him hither, bring him hither.
[Peto is brought forward.] 2487What, how now, Signor Drunkard, in arms against me, ha? Your reason, your reason 2488for this?
I beseech Your Worship to pardon me.
[To the Servant] Well, sirrah, tell him I do pardon him.
Truly, sir, I did happen into bad company by chance, and 2492they cast me in a sleep and stripped me of all my clothes.
Tut, this is not to the purpose. Touching your armor: what might your armor signify?
Marry, sir, it hung in the room where they stripped me, 2495and I borrowed it of one of the drawers now in the evening to 2496come home in, because I was loath to come through the street in my shirt.
[To the Servant] Well, disarm him. But it's no matter; let 2499him stand by. [Peto is led to one side.] Who be these? -- Oh, 2500young gallants, welcome, welcome, and you, lady. Nay, never scatter such amazed looks amongst 2501us. Qui nil potest sperare, desperet nihil.
Faith, Master Doctor, that's even I; my hopes are small and 2503my despair shall be as little. -- Brother, sister, brother: what, cloudy, cloudy? "And will no sunshine on these looks appear?" 2504Well, since there is such a tempest toward, I'll be the porpoise; I'll dance.
2505[To Hesperida] Wench, be of good cheer; thou hast a cloak for the rain 2506yet. Where is he? [To Lorenzo Jr.] 'Sheart, how now, the picture of the 2507Prodigal? Go to, I'll have the calf dressed for you at my charges.
Well, son Lorenzo, this day's work of yours hath much 2509deceived my hopes, troubled my peace, and stretched my patience further than became the 2510spirit of duty.
Nay, God's pity, Signor Lorenzo, you shall urge it no more. 2512Come, since you are here, I'll have the disposing of all. But first, Signor 2513Giuliano, at my request take your cloak again.
[Taking his cloak] Well, sir, I am content.
Stay, now let me see. Oh, Signor Snow-Liver, I had almost 2516forgotten him. And your Genius there, what, doth he suffer for a good conscience 2517too? Doth he bear his cross with patience?
Nay, they have scarce one cross between them both to bear.
Why, dost thou know him? What is he? What is he?
Marry, search his pockets, sir, and they'll show you he is an author, sir.
Dic mihi, Musa, virum. Are you an author, sir? Give 2522me leave a little. Come on, sir. I'll make verses with you now in honor of the gods and the goddesses for what you dare, extempore. And now I begin:
Oh, he writes not in that height of style.
No? We'll come a step or two lower, then:
Oh, too far-fetched for him still, Master Doctor.
Ay, say you so? Let's entreat a sight of his vein, then.
[To Matheo] Signor, Master Doctor desires to see a sight of your vein. Nay, you must not deny him.
What, all this verse? Body of me, he carries a whole 2542realm, a commonwealth of paper, in his hose! Let's see some of his subjects.
No, sir, I translated that out of a book called Delia.
Oh, but I would see some of your own, some of your own.
Sir, here's the beginning of a sonnet I made to my mistress.
That, that.
[He examines the dedication] Who? "To Madonna Hesperida." Is she your mistress?
It pleaseth him to call her so, sir.
[Reads] "In summertime, when Phoebus' golden rays" --
No, this is invention. He found it in a ballad.
Faith, sir, I had most of the conceit of it out of a ballad, indeed.
Conceit?
[To a Servant] Fetch me a couple of torches, sirrah, I may see the conceit. Quickly; it's very dark.
Call you this poetry?
Poetry? Nay, then call blasphemy religion,
Why, how now, son? What, are you startled now?
Opinion? Oh, God, let gross opinion
Ay, Lorenzo, but election is now governed altogether by the influence 2602of humor, which, instead of those holy flames that should direct and light the 2603soul to eternity, hurls forth nothing but smoke and congested vapors that stifle her 2604up and bereave her of all sight and motion. But she must have store 2605of hellebore given her to purge these gross obstructions. [To the Servants] Oh, that's 2606well said! Give me thy torch; come, lay this stuff together. So, give fire. 2607[They burn Matheo's verses.] There, see, see, how our poet's glory shines brighter and 2608brighter! Still, still it increaseth! Oh, now it's at the highest, and now it 2609declines as fast. You may see, gallants, Sic transit gloria mundi. [To Bobadilla 2610and Matheo] Well, now, my two Signor Outsides, stand forth and lend me your 2611large ears to a sentence, to a sentence. First, you, signor, shall this night 2612to the cage, and so shall you, sir. [To Matheo] From thence tomorrow morning, 2613you, signor, shall be carried to the market cross and be there bound; [To 2614Bobadilla] and so shall you, sir, in a large motley coat with a rod 2615at your girdle. [To Matheo] And you in an old suit of sackcloth and 2616the ashes of your papers -- save the ashes, sirrah -- shall mourn all 2617day; and at night both together sing some ballad of repentance very piteously, which 2618you shall make to the tune of "Who list to lead and a soldier's life." [To Peto] Sirrah billman, embrace you 2619this torch and light the gentlemen to their lodgings, and, because we tender their 2620safety, you shall watch them tonight; you are provided for the purpose. Away, and look to your charge with open eye, sirrah.
Well, I am armed in soul against the worst of fortune.
Faith, so should I be, an I had slept on it.
I am armed too, but I am not like to sleep on it.
[Aside] Oh, how this pleaseth me!
Now, Signor Thorello, Giuliano, Prospero, Bianca.
And not me, sir?
Yes, and you, sir. I had lost a sheep an he 2629had not bleated. I must have you all friends.
[To Prospero and Bianca] But 2630first, a word with you, young gallant, and you, lady.
Well, brother Prospero, by this good light that shines here, I 2632am loath to kindle fresh coals, but, an you had come in my walk 2633within these two hours, I had given you that you should not have clawn 2634off again in haste. By Jesus, I had done it; I am the arrant'st 2635rogue that ever breathed else! But now, beshrew my heart if I bear you 2636any malice in the earth.
Faith, I did it but to hold up a jest and 2638help my sister to a husband. But brother Thorello, and sister, you have a 2639spice of the yealous yet, both of you -- in your hose, I mean. 2640Come, do not dwell upon your anger so much. Let's all be smooth-foreheaded once again.
He plays upon my forehead, brother Giuliano. I pray you, tell 2642me one thing I shall ask you: is my forehead anything rougher than it 2643was wont to be?
Rougher? Your forehead is smooth enough, man.
[Aside] Why should he then say 'Be smooth-foreheaded'
[To Prospero] Brother, had he no haunt thither, in good faith?
No, upon my soul.
[To Thorello] Nay then, sweetheart, nay, I pray thee, be not 2652angry. Good faith, I'll never suspect thee any more. Nay, kiss me, sweet muss.
Tell me, Bianca, do not you play the woman with me?
What's that, sweetheart?
Dissemble.
Dissemble?
Nay, do not turn away. But say, i'faith, was it not 2658a match appointed 'twixt this old gentleman
[Pointing to Lorenzo Sr.] and you?
A match?
Nay, if it were not, I do not care. Do not 2661weep, I pray thee, sweet Bianca. Nay, so, now. By Jesus, I am not 2662jealous, but resolved I have the faithfull'st wife in Italy!
Why, that's well. Come, then, what say you? Are all agreed? Doth none stand out?
None but this gentleman
[Pointing to Lorenzo Sr.], to whom in 2673my own person I owe all duty and affection, but most seriously entreat pardon 2674for whatsoever hath passed in these occurrents that might be contrary to his most desired content.
Faith, sir, it is a virtue that pursues
Well, then, I conjure you all here to put off all 2681discontentment. First you, Signor Lorenzo, your cares;
[To Thorello and Bianca] you and you, 2682your jealousy; [To Giuliano] you, your anger; [To Prospero] and you, your wit, sir. 2683And for a peace-offering, here's one willing to be sacrificed upon this altar. Say, 2684do you approve my motion?
We do. I'll be mouth for all.
Why, then, I wish them all joy. And now, to make 2687our evening happiness more full, this night you shall be all my guests, where 2688we'll enjoy the very spirit of mirth and carouse to the health of this 2689heroic spirit [Indicating Musco], whom to honor the more I do invest in my 2690own robes, desiring you two, Giuliano and Prospero, to be his supporters; the train 2691to follow. Myself will lead, ushered by my page here, with this honorable verse: 2692Claudite iam rivos, pueri, sat prata biberunt.
[Exeunt in procession.]