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  • Title: Henry IV, Part 2 (Modern)
  • Editor: Rosemary Gaby

  • Copyright Rosemary Gaby. This text may be freely used for educational, non-profit purposes; for all other uses contact the Editor.
    Author: William Shakespeare
    Editor: Rosemary Gaby
    Not Peer Reviewed

    Henry IV, Part 2 (Modern)

    [2.4]
    1030Enter [Francis] and a Drawer.
    Francis
    What the devil hast thou brought there: apple-johns? Thou knowest Sir John cannot endure an apple-john.
    Drawer
    Mass, thou sayst true. The prince once set a dish of 1035apple-johns before him and told him there were five more Sir Johns; and, putting off his hat, said, I will now take my leave of these six dry, round, old, withered knights. It angered him to the heart. But he hath forgot that.
    1040Francis
    Why then, cover, and set them down; and see if thou canst find out Sneak's noise. Mistress Tearsheet would fain hear some music.
    1042.1Enter Will.
    Dispatch, the room where they supped is too hot, they'll come in straight.
    Francis
    Sirrah, here will be the prince and Master Poins anon, and they will put on two of our jerkins and aprons, and Sir 1045John must not know of it, Bardolph hath brought word.
    [Will]
    By the mass here will be old utis! It will be an excellent stratagem.
    [Drawer]
    I'll see if I can find out Sneak.
    Exit.
    1050Enter Mistress Quickly and Doll Tearsheet.
    Hostess
    I'faith, sweetheart, methinks now you are in an excellent good temperality. Your pulsidge beats as extraordinarily as heart would desire, and your color, I warrant you, is as red as any rose, in good truth, la; but i'faith, you have 1055drunk too much canaries, and that's a marvelous searching wine, and it perfumes the blood ere one can say, "what's this?" How do you now?
    Better then I was -- hem.
    Hostess
    Why that's well said. A good heart's worth gold. Lo, 1060here comes Sir John.
    Enter Sir John.
    Falstaff
    [Singing]"When Arthur first in court," -- empty the jordan!
    -- "and was a worthy king" -- how now, Mistress Doll?
    Hostess
    Sick of a calm, yea, good faith.
    1065Falstaff
    So is all her sect; an they be once in a calm they are sick.
    A pox damn you, you muddy rascal, is that all the comfort you give me?
    Falstaff
    You make fat rascals, Mistress Doll.
    I make them? Gluttony and diseases make them, I make them not.
    Falstaff
    If the cook help to make the gluttony, you help to make the diseases, Doll. We catch of you, Doll, we catch of you; grant that, my poor virtue, grant that.
    Yea joy, our chains and our jewels.
    Falstaff
    Your brooches, pearls, and ouches -- for to serve bravely is to come halting off, you know; to come off the breach with his pike bent bravely, and to surgery bravely; to venture upon the charged chambers bravely --
    Hang yourself, you muddy conger, hang yourself.
    Hostess
    By my troth, this is the old fashion. You two never meet but you fall to some discord. You are both, i'good truth, as rheumatic as two dry toasts; you cannot one bear with another's confirmities. What the goodyear! [To Doll] One must bear, and that must be you; you are the weaker vessel, as they say, the emptier vessel.
    Can a weak, empty vessel bear such a huge full hogshead? There's a whole merchant's venture of Bordeaux stuff 1090in him; you have not seen a hulk better stuffed in the hold. Come, I'll be friends with thee, Jack. Thou art going to the wars, and whether I shall ever see thee again or no there is nobody cares.
    1095[Enter Drawer.]
    Drawer
    Sir, Ancient Pistol's below, and would speak with you.
    Hang him, swaggering rascal, let him not come hither. It is the foul-mouthedst rogue in England.
    Hostess
    If he swagger, let him not come here. No, by my faith, I must live among my neighbours. I'll no swaggerers. I am in good name and fame with the very best. Shut the door: there comes no swaggerers here. I have not lived all this while to have 1105swaggering now. Shut the door, I pray you.
    Falstaff
    Dost thou hear, hostess?
    Hostess
    Pray ye pacify yourself Sir John, there comes no swaggerers here.
    1110Falstaff
    Dost thou hear? It is mine ancient.
    Hostess
    Tilly-fally, Sir John, ne'er tell me. And your ancient swaggerer comes not in my doors. I was before Master Tisick, the deputy, t'other day, and, as he said to me -- 'twas no longer ago than Wednesday last, i'good faith -- "neighbor Quickly," says he -- 1115Master Dumb our minister was by then -- "neighbor Quickly," says he, "receive those that are civil, for," said he, "you are in an ill name." Now 'a said so, I can tell whereupon. "For," says he, "you are an honest woman, and well thought on, therefore take heed what guests you receive. Receive," says he, "no swaggering companions." There comes none here. You would bless you to hear what he said. No, I'll no swaggerers.
    Falstaff
    He's no swaggerer, hostess: a tame cheater i'faith. You 1125may stroke him as gently as a puppy greyhound, he'll not swagger with a Barbary hen, if her feathers turn back in any show of resistance. Call him up, Drawer.
    [Exit Drawer.]
    Hostess
    Cheater call you him? I will bar no honest man my 1130house, nor no cheater, but I do not love swaggering, by my troth. I am the worse when one says "swagger." Feel, masters, how I shake, look you, I warrant you.
    So you do, hostess.
    Hostess
    Do I? Yea, in very truth do I, an 'twere an aspen 1135leaf. I cannot abide swaggerers.
    Enter Pistol, [Bardolph, and Page].
    Pistol
    God save you, Sir John.
    Falstaff
    Welcome, Ancient Pistol. Here Pistol, I charge you with a cup of sack; do you discharge upon mine hostess.
    Pistol
    I will discharge upon her, Sir John, with two bullets.
    Falstaff
    She is pistol-proof, sir; you shall not hardly offend her.
    1145Hostess
    Come, I'll drink no proofs, nor no bullets. I'll drink no more than will do me good, for no man's pleasure, I.
    Pistol
    Then, to you, Mistress Dorothy: I will charge you.
    Charge me? I scorn you, scurvy companion. What, you poor, base, rascally, cheating, lack-linen mate! Away, you mouldy rogue, away; I am meat for your master.
    Pistol
    I know you, Mistress Dorothy.
    Away, you cutpurse rascal, you filthy bung, away! By this wine, I'll thrust my knife in your mouldy chaps an you play the saucy cuttle with me. Away, you bottle-ale rascal, you basket-hilt stale juggler, you! Since when, I pray you sir? God's light, with two points on your shoulder? Much!
    Pistol
    God let me not live, but I will murder your ruff for this.
    1161.1Falstaff
    No more, Pistol. I would not have you go off here: discharge yourself of our company, Pistol.
    Hostess
    No, good Captain Pistol, not here, sweet captain.
    Captain? Thou abominable damned cheater, art thou 1165not ashamed to be called captain? An captains were of my mind, they would truncheon you out for taking their names upon you before you have earned them. You, a captain? You slave, for what? For tearing a poor whore's ruff in a bawdy house? He, a captain? Hang him, rogue, he lives upon mouldy 1170stewed prunes and dried cakes. A captain? God's light, these villains will make the word as odious as the word "occupy," which 1171.1was an excellent good word before it was ill sorted. Therefore captains had need look to't.
    Bardolph
    Pray thee go down, good ancient.
    1175Falstaff
    Hark thee hither, Mistress Doll.
    Pistol
    Not I! I tell thee what, Corporal Bardolph, I could tear her. I'll be revenged of her.
    Pray thee go down.
    Pistol
    I'll see her damned first --
    To Pluto's damned lake by this 1180hand,
    To th'infernal deep,
    With Erebus and tortures vile also.
    Hold hook and line, say I.
    Down, down, dogs, down, faitours!
    Have we not Hiren here?
    Hostess
    Good Captain Peesel be quiet, 'tis very late i'faith. I beseek you now, aggravate your choler.
    1185Pistol
    These be good humors indeed. Shall packhorses
    And hollow pampered jades of Asia,
    Which cannot go but thirty mile a day,
    Compare with Caesars and with cannibals,
    And Trojan Greeks?
    Nay, rather damn them with King Cerberus,
    And let the welkin roar. Shall we fall foul for toys?
    Hostess
    By my troth, captain, these are very bitter words.
    Bardolph
    Be gone, good ancient; this will grow to a brawl anon.
    1195Pistol
    Die men like dogs! Give crowns like pins!
    Have we not Hiren here?
    Hostess
    O' my word, captain, there's none such here. What the goodyear, do you think I would deny her? For god's sake, be quiet.
    1200Pistol
    Then feed and be fat, my fair Calipolis.
    Come, give's some sack,
    Si fortune me tormente, sperato me contento.
    Fear we broadsides? No, let the fiend give fire!
    Give me some sack; and, sweetheart, lie thou there.
    [He lays down his sword.]
    Come we to full points here? And are etceteras nothings?
    Falstaff
    Pistol, I would be quiet.
    Pistol
    Sweet knight, I kiss thy neaf. What, we have seen the seven stars.
    For god's sake thrust him downstairs. I cannot endure 1210such a fustian rascal.
    Pistol
    Thrust him downstairs? Know we not Galloway nags?
    Falstaff
    Quoit him down, Bardolph, like a shove-groat shilling. Nay, an 'a do nothing but speak nothing, 'a shall be 1215nothing here.
    Bardolph
    Come, get you downstairs.
    Pistol
    What shall we have incision? Shall we imbrue?
    [Taking up his sword.]
    Then death rock me asleep, abridge my doleful days.
    Why then, let grievous, ghastly, gaping wounds
    Untwine the sisters three. 1220Come, Atropos, I say!
    Hostess
    Here's goodly stuff toward!
    Falstaff
    Give me my rapier, boy.
    I pray thee, Jack, I pray thee, do not draw.
    Falstaff
    [To Pistol] Get you downstairs.
    [A brawl]
    1225Hostess
    Here's a goodly tumult! I'll forswear keeping house afore I'll be in these tirrits and frights. So, murder, I warrant now. Alas, alas, put up your naked weapons, put up your naked weapons!
    [Exit Pistol and Bardolph.]
    I pray thee, Jack, be quiet. The rascal's gone. Ah, you 1230whoreson, little, valiant villain, you!
    Hostess
    Are you not hurt i'th' groin? Methought 'a made a shrewd thrust at your belly.
    [Enter Bardolph.]
    Falstaff
    Have you turned him out o'doors?
    Bardolph
    Yea, sir; the rascal's drunk. You have hurt him, sir, i'th' 1235shoulder.
    Falstaff
    A rascal, to brave me!
    Ah, you sweet little rogue, you. Alas, poor ape, how thou sweatst. Come, let me wipe thy face. Come on, you whoreson chops. Ah, rogue, i'faith I love thee. Thou art as valorous as 1240Hector of Troy, worth five of Agamemnon, and ten times better than the nine Worthies. Ah, villain!
    Falstaff
    Ah, rascally slave! I will toss the rogue in a blanket.
    Do, an thou dar'st for thy heart. An thou dost, I'll canvas thee between a pair of sheets.
    The music is come sir.
    Enter [musicians].
    Falstaff
    Let them play -- play, sirs. Sit on my knee, Doll. A rascal 1250bragging slave! The rogue fled from me like quicksilver.
    I'faith, and thou followdst him like a church, thou whoreson little tidy Bartholomew boarpig. When wilt thou leave fighting a days and foining a nights, and begin to patch 1255up thine old body for heaven?
    Enter Prince and Poins.
    Falstaff
    Peace good Doll, do not speak like a death's head; do not bid me remember mine end.
    Sirrah, what humor's the prince of?
    1260Falstaff
    A good shallow young fellow. 'A would have made a good pantler; 'a would ha' chipped bread well.
    They say Poins has a good wit.
    Falstaff
    He, a good wit? Hang him, baboon. His wit's as thick 1265as Tewksbury mustard; there's no more conceit in him than is in a mallet.
    Why does the prince love him so then?
    Falstaff
    Because their legs are both of a bigness, and 'a plays at quoits well, and eats conger and fennel, and drinks off 1270candles' ends for flap-dragons, and rides the wild mare with the boys, and jumps upon joint-stools, and swears with a good grace, and wears his boots very smooth like unto the sign of the leg, and breeds no bate with telling of discreet stories, and such other gambol faculties 'a has 1275that show a weak mind and an able body, for the which the prince admits him; for the prince himself is such another: the weight of a hair will turn the scales between their avoirdupois.
    [Aside to Poins] Would not this nave of a wheel have his ears cut off?
    Let's beat him before his whore.
    Look whe'er the withered elder hath not his poll clawed like a parrot.
    Is it not strange that desire should so many years outlive performance?
    Falstaff
    Kiss me, Doll.
    Saturn and Venus this year in conjunction? What says th'almanac to that?
    And look whether the fiery Trigon, his man, be not lisping to his master's old tables, his notebook, his counsel-keeper?
    Falstaff
    Thou dost give me flattering busses.
    By my troth, I kiss thee with a most constant heart.
    Falstaff
    I am old, I am old.
    I love thee better than I love e'er a scurvy young boy of them all.
    Falstaff
    What stuff wilt have a kirtle of? I shall receive money 1300o'Thursday; shalt have a cap tomorrow. A merry song! Come, it grows late; we'll to bed. Thou'lt forget me when I am gone.
    By my troth, thou'lt set me a weeping an thou sayst so. 1305Prove that ever I dress myself handsome till thy return! Well, hearken a'th'end.
    Falstaff
    Some sack, Francis.
    Prince Henry; Poins
    [Revealing themselves] Anon, anon, sir!
    Falstaff
    Ha? A bastard son of the king's? And art not thou 1310Poins, his brother?
    Why, thou globe of sinful continents, what a life dost thou lead?
    Falstaff
    A better than thou: I am a gentleman, thou art a drawer.
    Very true sir, and I come to draw you out by the ears.
    Hostess
    O the lord preserve thy grace! By my troth, welcome to London. Now the lord bless that sweet face of thine. O Jesu, are you come from Wales?
    1320Falstaff
    Thou whoreson mad compound of majesty! By this light flesh, and corrupt blood, thou art welcome.
    How? You fat fool, I scorn you!
    My lord, he will drive you out of your revenge, and turn all to a merriment if you take not the heat.
    [To Falstaff] You whoreson candlemine you, how vilely did you speak of me now, before this honest, virtuous, civil gentlewoman!
    Hostess
    God's blessing of your good heart, and so she is by my 1330troth.
    Falstaff
    Didst thou hear me?
    Yea, and you knew me as you did when you ran away by Gad's Hill; you knew I was at your back, and spoke it on purpose to try my patience.
    1335Falstaff
    No, no, no, not so; I did not think thou wast within hearing.
    I shall drive you then to confess the wilful abuse, and then I know how to handle you.
    Falstaff
    No abuse, Hal, o'mine honor, no abuse.
    Not to dispraise me, and call me pantler and breadchipper, and I know not what?
    Falstaff
    No abuse, Hal.
    No abuse?
    Falstaff
    No abuse, Ned, i'th'world, honest Ned, none. I 1345dispraised him before the wicked, [To the prince] that the wicked might not fall in love with thee; in which doing, I have done the part of a careful friend and a true subject, and thy father is to give me thanks for it. No abuse Hal, none Ned, none, no -- faith, boys, none.
    See now whether pure fear and entire cowardice, doth not make thee wrong this virtuous gentlewoman to close with us. Is she of the wicked? Is thine hostess here of the wicked? Or is thy boy of the wicked? Or honest Bardolph, whose zeal burns in his nose, of the wicked?
    Answer, thou dead elm, answer.
    Falstaff
    The fiend hath pricked down Bardolph irrecoverable, and his face is Lucifer's privy kitchen, where he doth nothing but roast malt-worms. For the boy, there is a good angel about 1360him, but the devil blinds him too.
    For the women?
    Falstaff
    For one of them, she's in hell already, and burns poor souls. For th'other, I owe her money, and whether she be 1365damned for that I know not.
    Hostess
    No, I warrant you.
    Falstaff
    No, I think thou art not. I think thou art quit for that. Marry, there is another indictment upon thee, for suffering 1370flesh to be eaten in thy house, contrary to the law, for the which I think thou wilt howl.
    Hostess
    All victuallers do so, what's a joint of mutton or two in a whole Lent?
    You, gentlewoman --
    What says your grace?
    Falstaff
    His grace says that which his flesh rebels against.
    1376.1Peto knocks at door.
    Hostess
    Who knocks so loud at door? Look to'th'door there, Francis.
    [Enter Peto.]
    Peto, how now, what news?
    The king your father is at Westminster,
    And there are twenty weak and wearied posts
    Come from the north, and as I came along
    1385I met and overtook a dozen captains,
    Bareheaded, sweating, knocking at the taverns,
    And asking everyone for Sir John Falstaff.
    By heaven, Poins, I feel me much to blame
    So idly to profane the precious time,
    1390When tempest of commotion, like the south,
    Born with black vapor, doth begin to melt
    And drop upon our bare unarmèd heads.
    Give me my sword and cloak. -- Falstaff, good night.
    Exeunt Prince and Poins.
    1395Falstaff
    Now comes in the sweetest morsel of the night, and we must hence and leave it unpicked. [Knocking. Exit Bardolph.] More knocking at the door? How now, what's the matter?
    [Enter Bardolph.]
    Bardolph
    You must away to court, sir, presently.
    1400A dozen captains stay at door for you.
    Falstaff
    [To Page] Pay the musicians, sirrah. Farewell, hostess. Farewell Doll. You see, my good wenches, how men of merit are sought after. The undeserver may sleep when the man of action is called on. Farewell, good wenches, if I be not sent away post, I will 1405see you again ere I go.
    I cannot speak. If my heart be not ready to burst! Well, sweet Jack, have a care of thyself.
    1410Falstaff
    Farewell, farewell.
    Exit [with Bardolph, Peto, and Page].
    Hostess
    Well, fare thee well. I have known thee these twenty nine years come peasecod-time, but an honester and truer-hearted man -- well, fare thee well.
    1415Bardolph
    [Within] Mistress Tearsheet!
    Hostess
    What's the matter?
    Bardolph
    [Within] Bid Mistress Tearsheet come to my master.
    Hostess
    O run Doll, run, run, good Doll. Come, she 1418.1comes blubbered, yea! Will you come Doll?