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Troilus and Cressida (Quarto 1, 1609)

Author: William Shakespeare
Editor: W. L. Godshalk
Peer Reviewed
2870
Enter Achilles and Patroclus.
Ach. Ile heate his blood with greekish wine to night,
Which with my Cemitar ile cool to morrow,
Patroclus let vs feast him to the hight
Pat. Here comes Thersites.
Enter Thersites.
2875Ach. How now thou curre of enuy.
Thou crusty batch of nature whats the news?
The. Why thou picture of what thou seemest, and Idoll,
Of idiot worshippers. heers a letter for thee.
Ach. From whence fragment.
2880The. Why thou full dish of foole from Troy,
Pat. Who keeps the tent now.
The. The Surgeons box or the pacients wound.
Pat. Well said aduersity, and what needs this tricks,
The. Prithee be silent box I profit not by thy talke,
2885Thou art said to be Achilles male varlot,
Pat. Male varlot you rogue whats that.
The. Why his masculine whore, now the rotten diseases
of the south, the guts griping ruptures: loades a grauell in
the back, lethergies, could palsies, rawe eies, durtrottē liuers,
2889.1whissing lungs, bladders full of impostume. Sciaticaes lime-
kills ith' palme, incurable bone-ach, and the riueled fee sim-
2890ple of the tetter, take and take againe such preposterous
discoueries.
Pat. Why thou damnable box of enuy thou what meanes
thou to curse thus.
The. do I curse thee.
2895Pat. Why no you ruinous but, you horson indistinguish-
able cur, no.
The. No why art thou then exasperate, thou idle imma-
terial skeine of sleiue silke, thou greene sacenet flap for a sore
eye, thou toslell of a prodigalls purse-thou ah how the poore
2900world is pestred with such water flies, diminitiues of nature.
Pat. Out gall. Ther. Finch egge.
Achil. My sweet Patroclus I am thwarted quite,
2905From my great purpose into morrowes battell,
Here is a letter from Queene Hecuba;
A token from her daughter my faire loue
Both taxing me, and gaging me to keepe:
An oth that I haue sworne: I wil not breake it,
2910Fall Greekes, fayle fame, honour or go or stay,
My maior vow lies here; this ile obay,
Come, come, Thersites help to trim my tent?
This night in banquctting must al be spent, away Patroclus.
2915Ther. With to much bloud, and to little braine, these two
may run mad, but if with to much braine and to little bloud
they do ile be a curer of mad-men, her's Agamemnon, an ho-
nest fellow inough, and one that loues quailes, but hee has
not so much braine as eare-wax, and the goodly transfor-
2920mation of Iupiter there, his be the Bull, the primitiue statue,
and oblique memorial of cuck-olds, a thrifty shooing-horne
in a chaine at his bare legge, to what forme but that hee is,
should wit larded with malice, and malice faced with witte,
turne him to: to an Asse, were nothing hee is both Asse and
Oxe, to an Oxe were nothing, her's both Oxe and Asse, to be
a day, a Moyle, a Cat, a Fichooke, a Tode, a Lezard, an Oule,
a Puttock, or a Herring without a rowe. I would not care,
but to bee Menelaus I would conspire against desteny, aske
2930me what I would be, if I were not Thersites, for I care not to
be the Louse of a Lazar, so I were not Menelaus---hey-day
sprites and fires.
Enter Agam: Vlisses, Nest: and Diomed with lights.
2935Aga. We go wrong we goe wrong.
Aiax. No, yonder tis there where we see the lights.
Hect. I trouble you. Aiax. No not a whit:
2940Vlis. Here comes himselfe to guide you.
Achil. Welcome braue Hector, welcome Princes all.
Aga. So now faire Prince of Troy, I bid God night,
Aiax commands the guard to tend on you.
Hect. Thanks and good night to the Greekes generall.
2945Mene. Good night my Lord.
Hect. Good night sweet Lord Menelaus.
Ther. Sweet draught, sweet quoth a, sweet sinke, sweet sure.
Achil. Good night and welcome both to those that go or
tarry.
Aga. Good night.
Exeunt Agam: Menelaus.
Achil. Old Nector tarries, and you to Diomed.
Keepe Hector company an houre or two.
Dio. I cannot Lord, I haue important businesse,
2955The tide whereof is now, good night great Hector.
Hect. Giue me your hand.
Vlis. Follow his torch, he goes to Calcas tent, ile keepe you
company.
Troy. Sweet sir you honor me?
2960Hect. And so good night.
Achil. Come, come, enter my tent.
Exeunt.
Ther. That same Diomeds a false hearted roague, a most vn-
iust knaue, I will no more trust him when hee leeres, then I
will a serpent when hee hisses, hee will spend his mouth and
2965promise like brabler the hound, but when he performes, As-
tronomers foretell it, it is prodigious, there will come some
change, the Sonne borrowes of the Moone when Diomed
keepes his word, I will rather leaue to see Hector then not
to dog him, they say hee keepes a Troyan drab, and vses the
2970traytor Calcas tent. Ile after----nothing but letchery all in-
continent varlots.