Internet Shakespeare Editions

Author: William Shakespeare
Editor: W. L. Godshalk
Peer Reviewed

Troilus and Cressida (Modern)


2869.1
[5.1]
2870
Enter Achilles and Patroclus.
Achilles I'll heat his blood with Greekish wine tonight,
Which with my scimitar I'll cool tomorrow.
Patroclus, let us feast him to the height.
Patroclus
Here comes Thersites.
Enter Thersites.
28752880
[Thersites hands him the letter, Achilles reads.]
288528902895290029052910
Exit [with Patroclus].
2915292029252930
Enter Hector, [Troilus], Ajax, Agamemnon, [Menelaus], Ulysses, Nestor, Diomed with lights.
2935
Enter Achilles.
294029452950
[Exeunt Agamemnon and Menelaus.]
2955[To Troilus][To Ulysses]
[Troilus and Ulysses follow Diomed.]
2960[To Diomed]
Exeunt [all except Thersites].
[Aside]29652970
Exit.
2972.1
Enter Diomed.
[Enter Calchas.]
2975
Enter Troilus and Ulysses [followed at a distance by Thersites].
[To Troilus]2980
Enter Cressida.
[To Ulysses][To Cressida]
[Cressida whispers to Diomed.]
[Aside]2985[Aside][Aside]2990[Aside][Aside]2995[Aside]3000[Aside]
[Diomed turns to go.]
3005[Aside][To Troilus][Aside]3010
[Cressida whispers to Diomed.]
[Aside]3015[To Ulysses]3020
[Diomed turns to leave.]
3025[Aside]30303035[Aside]3040
Exit.
3045
Enter Cressida [carrying a sleeve.]
[Aside]3050[Aside]
[Cressida takes the sleeve from Diomed.]
3055[Aside]30603065
[Diomed forcibly takes the sleeve; Cressida tries to take it back.]
3070[Aside]30753080[Aside]30853090[Aside]3095
Exit.
3100
Exit [with Calchas?].
31053110311531203125313031353140314531503155316031653170[Aside]31753180
Enter Aeneas.
[To Troilus][To Aeneas][To Ulysses]3185[To Cressida]
Exeunt Troilus, Aeneas, and Ulysses.
3190[Aside]3195
[Exit Thersites.]
3196.1
Enter Hector [in armor] and Andromache.
3200
Enter Cassandra.
320532103215[To Hector]32203225
Enter Troilus [in armor].
3230
Exit Cassandra.
323532403245325032553260
Enter Priam and Cassandra.
32653270327532803285
Exit Andromache.
329032953300
Exit [Cassandra].
[To Priam]3305
[Exeunt Priam and Hector separately.]
Alarum.
3310
Enter Pandarus [with a letter].
[Troilus reads.]
33153320
[He tears the letter, and throws it into the wind.]
33253330
Alarum.
Exeunt.
3331.1
Enter Thersites in excursion.
333533403345
Enter Diomed [with Cressida's sleeve in his helmet] and Troilus.
3350
[He stands aside.]
Diomed
Thou dost miscall retire.
Thou crusty batch of nature, what's the news?
Thersites Why, thou picture of what thou seem'st, and idol of idiot-worshippers, here's a letter for thee.
Achilles From whence, fragment?
2880Thersites. Why, thou full dish of fool, from Troy.
[Thersites hands him the letter, Achilles reads.]
Patroclus Who keeps the tent now?
Thersites The surgeon's box or the patient's wound.
Patroclus Well said, adversity, and what need these tricks?
Thersites Prithee, be silent, boy. I profit not by thy talk. 2885Thou art thought to be Achilles' male varlet.
Patroclus Male varlet, you rogue? What's that?
Thersites Why, his masculine whore. Now the rotten diseases of the south, guts-griping ruptures, catarrhs, loads o'gravel i'th'back, lethargies, cold palsies, and 2890the like, take and take again such preposterous discoveries.
Patroclus Why, thou damnable box of envy, thou, what meanest thou to curse thus?
Thersites Do I curse thee?
2895Patroclus Why, no, you ruinous butt, you whoreson indistinguishable cur.
Thersites No? Why art thou then exasperate, thou idle, immaterial skein of sleaved-silk; thou green sarsenet flap for a sore eye; thou tassel of a prodigal's purse, thou? 2900Ah, how the poor world is pestered with such waterflies, diminutives of nature.
Patroclus Out, gall.
Thersites Finch-egg.
Achilles My sweet Patroclus, I am thwarted quite
2905From my great purpose in tomorrow's battle.
Here is a item="letter" letter from queen Hecuba,
A token from her daughter, my fair love,
Both taxing me and gaging me to keep
An oath that I have sworn. I will not break it.
2910Fall Greeks, fail fame, honor or go or stay,
My major vow lies here; this I'll obey. --
Come, come, Thersites, help to trim my tent.
This night in banqueting must all be spent. --
Away, Patroclus.
Exit [with Patroclus].
2915Thersites With too much blood and too little brain, these two may run mad, but if with too much brain and too little blood they do, I'll be a curer of madmen. Here's Agamemnon, an honest fellow enough, and one that loves quails, but he has not so much brain as earwax, and 2920the goodly transformation of Jupiter there, his brother, the bull -- the primitive statue and oblique memorial of cuckolds, a thrifty shoeing-horn in a chain, hanging at his brother's leg -- to what form but that he is should wit larded with malice and malice forced with wit turn 2925him to? To an ass were nothing; he is both ass and ox. To an ox were nothing; he is both ox and ass. To be a dog, a mule, a cat, a fitchew, a toad, a lizard, an owl, a puttock, or a herring without a roe, I would not care, but to be Menelaus, I would conspire 2930against destiny. Ask me not what I would be if I were not Thersites, for I care not to be the louse of a lazar so I were not Menelaus. -- Hey-day, spirits and fires.
Enter Hector, [Troilus], Ajax, Agamemnon, [Menelaus], Ulysses, Nestor, Diomed with lights.
2935Agamemnon
We go wrong; we go wrong.
Ajax
No, yonder 'tis --
There, where we see the light.
Hector
I trouble you.
Ajax
No, not a whit.
Enter Achilles.
2940Ulysses
Here comes himself to guide you.
Achilles Welcome, brave Hector; welcome, princes all.
Agamemnon So now, fair prince of Troy, I bid good night.
Ajax commands the guard to tend on you.
Hector Thanks, and good night to the Greeks' general.
2945Menelaus
Good night, my lord.
Hector
Good night, sweet lord Menelaus.
Thersites Sweet draft. "Sweet" quotha? Sweet sink. Sweet? Sure.
Achilles Good night and welcome, both at once, to those 2950that go or tarry.
Agamemnon Good night.
[Exeunt Agamemnon and Menelaus.]
Achilles Old Nestor tarries, and you too, Diomed,
Keep Hector company an hour or two.
Diomed I cannot, lord. I have important business,
2955The tide whereof is now. -- Good night, great Hector.
Hector Give me your hand.
Ulysses [To Troilus] Follow his torch; he goes to Calchas' tent.
I'll keep you company.
Troilus
[To Ulysses] Sweet sir, you honor me.
[Troilus and Ulysses follow Diomed.]
2960Hector
[To Diomed] And so, good night.
Achilles
Come, come, enter my tent.
Exeunt [all except Thersites].
Thersites [Aside] That same Diomed's a false-hearted rogue, a most unjust knave; I will no more trust him when he leers, than I will a serpent when he hisses. He will spend 2965his mouth and promise like Brabbler the hound, but when he performs, astronomers foretell it, that it is prodigious; there will come some change; the sun borrows of the moon when Diomed keeps his word. I will rather leave to see Hector than not to dog him. They say 2970he keeps a Trojan drab, and uses the traitor Calchas his tent. I'll after.-- Nothing but lechery. All incontinent varlets.
Exit.