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Shakespeare on Stage
American Shakespeare Center, Return to the Forbidden Planet. To Dec. 1, 2013.
Original Shakespeare Company, Comedie of Errors. To Jun. 22, 2013.
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Twelfth Night (Folio 1, 1623)

Author: William Shakespeare
Editors: David Carnegie, Mark Houlahan
Peer Reviewed
Scæna Tertia.
Enter Sir Toby, and Maria.
Sir To. What a plague meanes my Neece to take the
120death of her brother thus? I am sure care's an enemie to
life.
Mar. By my troth sir Toby you must come in earlyer
a nights: your Cosin, my Lady, takes great exceptions
to your ill houres.
125To. Why let her except, before excepted.
Ma. I, but you must confine your selfe within the
modest limits of order.
To. Confine? Ile confine my selfe no finer then I am:
these cloathes are good enough to drinke in, and so bee
130these boots too: and they be not, let them hang them-
selues in their owne straps.
Ma. That quaffing and drinking will vndoe you: I
heard my Lady talke of it yesterday: and of a foolish
knight that you brought in one night here, to be hir woer
135To. Who, Sir Andrew Ague-cheeke?
Ma. I he.
To. He's as tall a man as any's in Illyria.
Ma. What's that to th'purpose?
To. Why he ha's three thousand ducates a yeare.
140Ma. I, but hee'l haue but a yeare in all these ducates:
He's a very foole, and a prodigall.
To. Fie, that you'l say so: he playes o'th Viol-de-gan-
boys, and speaks three or four languages word for word
without booke, & hath all the good gifts of nature.
145Ma. He hath indeed, almost naturall: for besides that
he's a foole, he's a great quarreller: and but that hee hath
the gift of a Coward, to allay the gust he hath in quarrel-
ling, 'tis thought among the prudent, he would quickely
haue the gift of a graue.
150Tob. By this hand they are scoundrels and substra-
ctors that say so of him. Who are they?
Ma. They that adde moreour, hee's drunke nightly
in your company.
To. With drinking healths to my Neece: Ile drinke
155to her as long as there is a passage in my throat, & drinke
in Illyria: he's a Coward and a Coystrill that will not
drinke to my Neece. till his braines turne o'th toe, like a
parish top. What wench? Castiliano vulgo : for here coms
Sir Andrew Agueface.
160
Enter Sir Andrew.
And. Sir Toby Belch. How now sir Toby Belch?
To. Sweet sir Andrew.
And. Blesse you faire Shrew.
Mar. And you too sir.
165Tob. Accost Sir Andrew, accost.
And. What's that?
To. My Neeces Chamber-maid.
Ma. Good Mistris accost, I desire better acquaintance
Ma. My name is Mary sir.
170And. Good mistris Mary, accost.
To, You mistake knight: Accost, is front her, boord
her, woe her, assayle her.
And. By my troth I would not vndertake her in this
company. Is that the meaning of Accost?
175Ma. Far you well Gentlemen.
To. And thou let part so Sir Andrew, would thou
mightst neuer draw sword agen.
And. And you part so mistris, I would I might neuer
draw sword agen: Faire Lady, doe you thinke you haue
180fooles in hand?
Ma. Sir, I haue not you by'th hand.
An. Marry but you shall haue, and heeres my hand.
Ma. Now sir, thought is free: I pray you bring your
hand to'th Buttry barre, and let it drinke.
185An. Wherefore (sweet-heart?) What's your Meta-
phor?
Ma. It's dry sir.
And. Why I thinke so: I am not such an asse, but I
can keepe my hand dry. But what's your iest?
190Ma. A dry iest Sir.
And. Are you full of them?
Ma. I Sir, I haue them at my fingers ends: marry now
I let go your hand, I am barren.
Exit Maria
To. O knight, thou lack'st a cup of Canarie: when did
195I see thee so put downe?
An. Neuer in your life I thinke, vnlesse you see Ca-
narie put me downe: mee thinkes sometimes I haue no
more wit then a Christian, or an ordinary man ha's: but I
am a great eater of beefe, and I beleeue that does harme
200to my wit.
To. No question.
An. And I thought that, I'de forsweare it. Ile ride
home to morrow sir Toby.
To. Pur-quoy my deere knight?
205An. What is purquoy? Do, or not do? I would I had
bestowed that time in the tongues, that I haue in fencing
dancing, and beare-bayting: O had I but followed the
Arts.
To. Then hadst thou had an excellent head of haire.
210An. Why, would that haue mended my haire?
To. Past question, for thou seest it will not coole my
An. But it becoms we wel enough, dost not?
To. Excellent, it hangs like flax on a distaffe: & I hope
to see a huswife take thee between her legs, & spin it off.
215An. Faith Ile home to morrow sir Toby , your niece wil
not be seene, or if she be it's four to one, she'l none of me:
the Connt himselfe here hard by, wooes her.
To. Shee'l none o'th Count, she'l not match aboue hir
degree, neither in estate, yeares, nor wit: I haue heard her
220swear t. Tut there's life in't man.
And. Ile stay a moneth longer. I am a fellow o'th
strangest minde i'th world: I delight in Maskes and Re-
uels sometimes altogether.
To. Art thou good at these kicke-chawses Knight?
225And. As any man in Illyria, whatsoeuer he be, vnder
the degree of my betters, & yet I will not compare with
an old man.
To. What is thy excellence in a galliard, knight?
And. Faith, I can cut a caper.
230To. And I can cut the Mutton too't.
And. And I thinke I haue the backe-tricke, simply as
strong as any man in Illyria.
To. Wherefore are these things hid? Wherefore haue
these gifts a Curtaine before 'em? Are they like to take
235dust, like mistris Mals picture? Why dost thou not goe
to Church in a Galliard, and come home in a Carranto?
My verie walke should be a Iigge: I would not so much
as make water but in a Sinke-a-pace: What dooest thou
meane? Is it a world to hide vertues in? I did thinke by
240the excellent constitution of thy legge, it was form'd vn-
der the starre of a Galliard.
And. I, 'tis strong, and it does indifferent well in a
dam'd colour'd stocke. Shall we sit about some Reuels?
To. What shall we do else: were we not borne vnder
245Taurus?
And. Taurus? That sides and heart.
To. No sir, it is leggs and thighes: let me see thee ca-
per. Ha, higher: ha, ha, excellent.
Exeunt