Internet Shakespeare Editions

[Scene 20]
Enter Derrick, with his girdle full of shoes.
Derrick How now? Zounds, it did me good to see how 1555I did triumph over the Frenchmen.
Enter John Cobbler roving, with a pack full of apparel.
John Whoop, Derick! How dost thou?
Derrick What, John! Comedevales! Alive yet?
1560John I promise thee, Derrick, I scaped hardly, for I was within half a mile when one was killed.
Derrick Were you so?
John Ay, trust me, I had like been slain.
Derrick But once killed, why, it is nothing! 1565I was four or five times slain.
John Four or five times slain! Why, how couldst thou have been alive now?
Derrick Oh, John, never say so, for I was called the bloody soldier amongst them all.
1570John Why, what didst thou?
Derrick Why, I will tell thee, John. Every day when I went into the field I would take a straw and thrust it into my nose and make my nose bleed, and then I would go into the field, 1575and when the captain saw me he would say, "Peace, a bloody soldier," and bid me stand aside, whereof I was glad. But mark the chance, John. I went and stood behind a tree -- but mark then, John. 1580I thought I had been safe, but on a sudden there steps to me a lusty tall Frenchman. Now he drew, and I drew. Now I lay here, and he lay there. Now I set this leg before, and turned this backward, 1585and skipped quite over a hedge, and he saw me no more there that day. And was not this well done, John?
John Mass, Derick, thou hast a witty head.
Derrick Ay, John, thou mayst see, if thou hadst taken my counsel -- 1590but what hast thou there? I think thou hast been robbing the Frenchmen.
John Ay, faith, Derrick, I have gotten some reparel to carry home to my wife.
Derrick And I have got some shoes, 1595for I'll tell thee what I did. When they were dead, I would go take off all their shoes.
John Ay, but Derrick, how shall we get home?
Derrick Nay, zounds, an they take thee they will hang thee. 1600O John, never do so. If it be thy fortune to be hanged, be hanged in thy own language whatsoever thou dost.
John Why, Derrick, the wars is done. We may go home now.
Derrick Ay, but you may not go before you ask the king leave. 1605But I know a way to go home and ask the king no leave.
John How is that, Derrick?
Derrick Why, John, thou knowest the duke of York's funeral must be carried into England, dost thou not?
John Ay, that I do.
1610Derrick Why, then, thou knowest we'll go with it.
John Ay, but Derrick, how shall we do for to meet them?
Derrick Zounds, if I make not shift to meet them, hang me. Sirrah, thou know'st that in every town there will be ringing and there will be cakes and drink. 1615Now, I will go to the clerk and sexton and keep a-talking, and say, "Oh, this fellow rings well," and thou shalt go and take a piece of cake. Then I'll ring, and thou shalt say, "Oh, this fellow keeps a good stint," and then I will go drink to thee all the way. 1620But I marvel what my dame will say when we come home, because we have not a French word to cast at a dog by the way.
John Why, what shall we do, Derrick?
Derrick Why, John, I'll go before and call my dame whore, 1625and thou shalt come after and set fire on the house. We may do it, John, for I'll prove it, because we be soldiers.
The trumpets sound.
John Derrick, help me to carry my shoes and boots.
[Exeunt Derrick and John.]