Internet Shakespeare Editions

Author: William Shakespeare
Editor: David Bevington
Peer Reviewed

As You Like It (Modern)


1915[4.1]
Enter Rosalind, Celia, and Jaques.
Jaques I prithee, pretty youth, let me be better acquainted with thee.
Rosalind They say you are a melancholy fellow.
1920Jaques I am so. I do love it better than laughing.
Rosalind Those that are in extremity of either are abominable fellows, and betray themselves to every modern censure worse than drunkards.
Jaques Why, 'tis good to be sad and say nothing.
1925Rosalind Why then, 'tis good to be a post.
Jaques I have neither the scholar's melancholy, which is emulation, nor the musician's, which is fantastical, nor the courtier's, which is proud, nor the soldier's, which is ambitious, nor the lawyer's, which is politic, 1930nor the lady's, which is nice, nor the lover's, which is all these; but it is a melancholy of mine own, compounded of many simples, extracted from many objects, and indeed the sundry contemplation of my travels, in which my often rumination wraps me in a most humorous 1935sadness.
Rosalind A traveler! By my faith, you have great reason to be sad. I fear you have sold your own lands to see other men's. Then to have seen much and to have nothing is to have rich eyes and poor hands.
1940Jaques Yes, I have gained my experience.
Enter Orlando.
Rosalind And your experience makes you sad. I had rather have a fool to make me merry than experience to make me sad -- and to travel for it too!
1945Orlando Good day, and happiness, dear Rosalind!
Jaques Nay, then, God b'wi' you, an you talk in blank verse.
Rosalind Farewell, Monsieur Traveler. Look you lisp and wear strange suits, disable all the benefits 1950of your own country, be out of love with your nativity, and almost chide God for making you that countenance you are, or I will scarce think you have swam in a gondola. [Exit Jaques.] Why, how now, Orlando, where have you been all this while? You a lover? An you 1955serve me such another trick, never come in my sight more.
Orlando My fair Rosalind, I come within an hour of my promise.
Rosalind Break an hour's promise in love? He that 1960will divide a minute into a thousand parts and break but a part of the thousand part of a minute in the affairs of love, it may be said of him that Cupid hath clapped him o'th' shoulder, but I'll warrant him heart-whole.
Orlando Pardon me, dear Rosalind.
1965Rosalind Nay, an you be so tardy, come no more in my sight. I had as lief be wooed of a snail.
Orlando Of a snail?
Rosalind Ay, of a snail; for though he comes slowly, he carries his house on his head -- a better jointure, I think, 1970than you make a woman. Besides, he brings his destiny with him.
Orlando What's that?
Rosalind Why, horns, which such as you are fain to be beholding to your wives for. But he comes armed in his fortune, 1975and prevents the slander of his wife.
Orlando Virtue is no horn-maker; and my Rosalind is virtuous.
Rosalind And I am your Rosalind.
Celia It pleases him to call you so; but he hath a Rosalind 1980 of a better leer than you.
Rosalind Come, woo me, woo me, for now I am in a holiday humor, and like enough to consent. What would you say to me now, an I were your very very Rosalind?
1985Orlando I would kiss before I spoke.
Rosalind Nay, you were better speak first, and when you were graveled for lack of matter, you might take occasion to kiss. Very good orators, when they are out, they will spit; and for lovers lacking -- God warn us! -- 1990matter, the cleanliest shift is to kiss.
Orlando How if the kiss be denied?
Rosalind Then she puts you to entreaty, and there begins new matter.
Orlando Who could be out, being before his beloved 1995mistress?
Rosalind Marry, that should you, if I were your mistress, or I should think my honesty ranker than my wit.
Orlando What, of my suit?
Rosalind Not out of your apparel, and yet out of your 2000suit. Am not I your Rosalind?
Orlando I take some joy to say you are, because I would be talking of her.
Rosalind Well, in her person, I say I will not have you.
2005Orlando Then, in mine own person, I die.
Rosalind No, faith, die by attorney. The poor world is almost six thousand years old, and in all this time there was not any man died in his own person, videlicet, in a love-cause. Troilus had his brains dashed out with a 2010Grecian club, yet he did what he could to die before, and he is one of the patterns of love. Leander, he would have lived many a fair year though Hero had turned nun, if it had not been for a hot midsummer night; for, good youth, he went but forth to wash him in the Hellespont, 2015and, being taken with the cramp, was drowned; and the foolish chroniclers of that age found it was -- Hero of Sestos. But these are all lies. Men have died from time to time, and worms have eaten them, but not for love.
2020Orlando I would not have my right Rosalind of this mind, for, I protest, her frown might kill me.
Rosalind By this hand, it will not kill a fly. But come, now I will be your Rosalind in a more coming-on disposition; and ask me what you will, I will grant it.
2025Orlando Then love me, Rosalind.
Rosalind Yes, faith, will I, Fridays and Saturdays and all.
Orlando And wilt thou have me?
Rosalind Ay, and twenty such.
Orlando What sayest thou?
2030Rosalind Are you not good?
Orlando I hope so.
Rosalind Why then, can one desire too much of a good thing? -- Come, sister, you shall be the priest, and marry us. -- Give me your hand, Orlando. -- What do you 2035say, sister?
Orlando Pray thee, marry us.
Celia I cannot say the words.
Rosalind You must begin "Will you, Orlando --"
Celia Go to. -- Will you, Orlando, have to wife this 2040Rosalind?
Orlando I will.
Rosalind Ay, but when?
Orlando Why, now, as fast as she can marry us.
Rosalind Then you must say, "I take thee, Rosalind, for 2045wife."
Orlando I take thee, Rosalind, for wife.
Rosalind I might ask you for your commission; but I do take thee, Orlando, for my husband. There's a girl goes before the priest; and, certainly, a woman's 2050thought runs before her actions.
Orlando So do all thoughts; they are winged.
Rosalind Now tell me how long you would have her, after you have possessed her.
Orlando For ever and a day.
2055Rosalind Say "a day" without the "ever." No, no, Orlando, men are April when they woo, December when they wed; maids are May when they are maids, but the sky changes when they are wives. I will be more jealous of thee than a Barbary cock-pigeon over his hen, more clamorous 2060than a parrot against rain, more newfangled than an ape, more giddy in my desires than a monkey. I will weep for nothing, like Diana in the fountain, and I will do that when you are disposed to be merry; I will laugh like a hyena, and that when thou art inclined 2065to sleep.
Orlando But will my Rosalind do so?
Rosalind By my life, she will do as I do.
Orlando Oh, but she is wise.
Rosalind Or else she could not have the wit to do this. 2070The wiser, the waywarder. Make the doors upon a woman's wit, and it will out at the casement; shut that, and 'twill out at the key-hole; stop that, 'twill fly with the smoke out at the chimney.
Orlando A man that had a wife with such a wit, he might 2075say, "Wit, whither wilt?'"
Rosalind Nay, you might keep that check for it till you met your wife's wit going to your neighbor's bed.
Orlando And what wit could wit have to excuse that?
Rosalind Marry, to say she came to seek you there. You 2080shall never take her without her answer, unless you take her without her tongue. Oh, that woman that cannot make her fault her husband's occasion, let her never nurse her child herself, for she will breed it like a fool!
Orlando For these two hours, Rosalind, I will leave thee.
2085Rosalind Alas, dear love, I cannot lack thee two hours!
Orlando I must attend the Duke at dinner. By two o'clock I will be with thee again.
Rosalind Ay, go your ways, go your ways. I knew what you would prove; my friends told me as much, and I 2090thought no less. That flattering tongue of yours won me. 'Tis but one cast away, and so, come death! Two o'clock is your hour?
Orlando Ay, sweet Rosalind.
Rosalind By my troth, and in good earnest, and 2095so God mend me, and by all pretty oaths that are not dangerous, if you break one jot of your promise, or come one minute behind your hour, I will think you the most pathetical break-promise, and the most hollow lover, and the most unworthy of her you call Rosalind, that 2100may be chosen out of the gross band of the unfaithful. Therefore beware my censure, and keep your promise.
Orlando With no less religion than if thou wert indeed my Rosalind. So, adieu.
2105Rosalind Well, Time is the old justice that examines all such offenders, and let Time try. Adieu.
Exit [Orlando].
Celia You have simply misused our sex in your love-prate. We must have your doublet and hose plucked over your head, and show the world what the bird hath done 2110to her own nest.
Rosalind Oh, coz, coz, coz, my pretty little coz, that thou didst know how many fathom deep I am in love! But it cannot be sounded; my affection hath an unknown bottom, like the Bay of Portugal.
2115Celia Or rather, bottomless, that as fast as you pour affection in, it runs out.
Rosalind No, that same wicked bastard of Venus, that was begot of thought, conceived of spleen, and born of madness, that blind rascally boy that abuses everyone's 2120eyes because his own are out, let him be judge how deep I am in love. I'll tell thee, Aliena, I cannot be out of the sight of Orlando. I'll go find a shadow, and sigh till he come.
Celia And I'll sleep.
Exeunt.