Twelfth Night (Modern)

¶Enter [from different ways] Viola [as Cesario] and Clown [playing on tabor and pipe].

¶Viola Save thee, friend, and thy music. Dost thou live 1215by thy tabor?

¶Clown No, sir, I live by the church.

¶Viola Art thou a churchman?

¶Clown No such matter, sir. I do live by the church, for ¶I do live at my house, and my house doth stand by the 1220church.

¶Viola So thou mayst say the king lies by a beggar, if a ¶beggar dwell near him; or the church stands by thy ¶tabor, if thy tabor stand by the church.

¶Clown You have said, sir. [To the audience as well as Viola] To see this age! A sentence is 1225but a cheverel glove to a good wit: how quickly the ¶wrong side may be turned outward!

¶Viola Nay, that's certain: they that dally nicely with ¶words may quickly make them wanton.

¶Clown I would therefore my sister had had no name, sir.

1230Viola Why, man?

¶Clown Why, sir, her name's a word, and to dally with ¶that word might make my sister wanton. But indeed, ¶words are very rascals since bonds disgraced them.

¶Viola Thy reason, man?

1235Clown Troth, sir, I can yield you none without words, ¶and words are grown so false I am loath to prove ¶reason with them.

¶Viola I warrant thou art a merry fellow and car'st for ¶nothing.

1240Clown Not so, sir, I do care for something; but in my ¶conscience, sir, I do not care for you: if that be to care for ¶nothing, sir, I would it would make you invisible.

¶Viola Art not thou the Lady Olivia's fool?

¶Clown No indeed, sir! The Lady Olivia has no folly. She 1245will keep no fool, sir, till she be married; and fools are ¶as like husbands as pilchards are to herrings: the ¶husband's the bigger. I am indeed not her fool, but her ¶corrupter of words.

¶Viola I saw thee late at the Count Orsino's.

1250Clown Foolery, sir, does walk about the orb like the ¶sun, it shines everywhere. I would be sorry, sir, but the ¶fool should be as oft with your master as with my ¶mistress: I think I saw your wisdom there.

¶Viola Nay, an thou pass upon me, I'll no more with 1255thee. Hold, [Giving him a coin] there's expenses for thee.

¶Clown Now Jove, in his next commodity of hair, send ¶thee a beard.

¶Viola By my troth, I'll tell thee, I am almost sick for ¶one, [To the audience] though I would not have it grow on my chin. [To the Clown.] Is 1260thy lady within?

¶Clown [Indicating the coin] Would not a pair of these have bred, sir?

¶Viola Yes, being kept together, and put to use.

¶Clown I would play Lord Pandarus of Phrygia, sir, to bring ¶a Cressida to [Displaying the coin] this Troilus.

1265Viola I understand you, sir, 'tis well begged. [Gives another coin.]

¶Clown The matter, I hope, is not great, sir, begging but a ¶beggar: Cressida was a beggar. My lady is within, sir. I ¶will conster to them whence you come; who you are, and ¶what you would, are out of my welkin--I might say 1270element, but the word is overworn.