Twelfth Night (Modern)

¶Maria Nay, either tell me where thou hast been, or I will ¶not open my lips so wide as a bristle may enter, in way ¶of thy excuse. My lady will hang thee for thy absence.

300Clown Let her hang me; he that is well hanged in this ¶world needs to fear no colors.

¶Maria Make that good.

¶Clown He shall see none to fear!

¶Maria A good lenten answer. I can tell thee where that 305saying was born, of "I fear no colors."

¶Clown Where, good Mistress Mary?

¶Maria In the wars; and that may you be bold to say in ¶your foolery.

¶Clown Well, God give them wisdom that have it; and 310those that are fools, let them use their talents.

¶Maria Yet you will be hanged for being so long absent; ¶or to be turned away--is not that as good as a hanging to ¶you?

¶Clown Many a good hanging prevents a bad marriage; 315and for turning away, let summer bear it out.

¶Maria You are resolute, then?

¶Clown Not so neither, but I am resolved on two points--

¶Maria That if one break, the other will hold; or if both ¶break, your gaskins fall!

320Clown Apt in good faith, very apt. Well, go thy way; if ¶Sir Toby would leave drinking, thou wert as witty a piece ¶of Eve's flesh as any in Illyria.

¶Maria Peace, you rogue, no more o'that! 325

Enter Lady Olivia, with Malvolio [and Gentlemen] [and Ladies].

Here comes my ¶lady. Make your excuse wisely, you were best.

¶Clown [To the audience] Wit, an't be thy will, put me into good fooling! ¶Those wits that think they have thee, do very oft prove ¶fools; and I, that am sure I lack thee, may pass for a ¶wise man. For what says Quinapalus? "Better a witty fool, 330than a foolish wit." [To Olivia] God bless thee, lady!

¶Olivia [To the Gentlemen] Take the fool away.

¶Clown Do you not hear, fellows? Take away the lady.

¶Olivia Go to, y'are a dry fool; I'll no more of you. ¶Besides, you grow dishonest.

335Clown Two faults, madonna, that drink and good counsel ¶will amend: for give the dry fool drink, then is the fool ¶not dry. Bid the dishonest man mend himself: if he mend, ¶he is no longer dishonest; if he cannot, let the botcher ¶mend him. Anything that's mended is but patched; virtue 340that transgresses is but patched with sin, and sin that ¶amends is but patched with virtue. If that this simple ¶syllogism will serve, so; if it will not, what remedy? ¶As there is no true cuckold but calamity, so beauty's a ¶flower. The lady bade take away the fool, therefore I 345say again, take her away.

¶Olivia Sir, I bade them take away you.

¶Clown Misprision in the highest degree! Lady, cucullus ¶non facit monachum--that's as much to say, as "I wear not ¶motley in my brain." Good madonna, give me leave to 350prove you a fool.

¶Olivia Can you do it?

¶Clown Dexteriously, good madonna.

¶Olivia Make your proof.

¶Clown I must catechize you for it, madonna. Good my 355mouse of virtue, answer me.

¶Olivia Well sir, for want of other idleness, I'll bide your ¶proof.

¶Clown Good madonna, why mourn'st thou?

¶Olivia Good fool, for my brother's death.

360Clown I think his soul is in hell, madonna.

¶Olivia I know his soul is in heaven, fool.

¶Clown The more fool, madonna, to mourn for your ¶brother's soul, being in heaven. [To the Gentlemen] Take away the fool, ¶gentlemen.

365Olivia What think you of this fool, Malvolio? Doth he ¶not mend?

¶Malvolio Yes, and shall do, till the pangs of death shake ¶him: infirmity, that decays the wise, doth ever make the ¶better fool.

370Clown God send you, sir, a speedy infirmity, for the ¶better increasing your folly: Sir Toby will be sworn that ¶I am no fox, but he will not pass his word for twopence ¶that you are no fool.

¶Olivia How say you to that, Malvolio?

375Malvolio I marvel your ladyship takes delight in such ¶a barren rascal. I saw him put down the other day with ¶an ordinary fool, that has no more brain than a stone. ¶Look you now, he's out of his guard already. Unless you ¶laugh and minister occasion to him, he is gagged. I protest 380I take these wise men, that crow so at these set kind of ¶fools, no better than the fools' zanies.

¶Olivia Oh, you are sick of self-love, Malvolio, and taste ¶with a distempered appetite. To be generous, guiltless, ¶and of free disposition, is to take those things for 385bird-bolts that you deem cannon bullets. There is no ¶slander in an allowed fool, though he do nothing but rail; ¶nor no railing in a known discreet man, though he do ¶nothing but reprove.

¶Clown Now Mercury endue thee with leasing, for thou 390speak'st well of fools.

¶Maria Madam, there is at the gate a young ¶gentleman much desires to speak with you.

¶Olivia From the Count Orsino, is it?

395Maria I know not, madam. 'Tis a fair young man, and ¶well attended.

¶Olivia Who of my people hold him in delay?

¶Maria Sir Toby, madam, your kinsman.

¶Olivia Fetch him off, I pray you, he speaks nothing but 400madman. Fie on him!

Go you, Malvolio; if it be a suit ¶from the count, I am sick, or not at home. What you ¶will, to dismiss it.

¶Now you see, sir, how your fooling grows old, and ¶people dislike it.

405Clown Thou hast spoke for us, madonna, as if thy eldest ¶son should be a fool; whose skull Jove cram with ¶brains, for--

here he comes-- ¶one of thy kin has a most weak pia mater.

¶Olivia By mine honor, half drunk. What is he at the 410gate, cousin?

¶Sir Toby A gentleman.

¶Olivia A gentleman? What gentleman?

¶Sir Toby 'Tis a gentleman here--[belching] a plague o'these pickle ¶herring! [To Clown] How now, sot!

415Clown Good Sir Toby!

¶Olivia Cousin, cousin, how have you come so early by ¶this lethargy?

¶Sir Toby Lechery? I defy lechery! There's one at the ¶gate.

420Olivia Ay, marry, what is he?

¶Sir Toby Let him be the devil an he will, I care not; give ¶me faith, say I. Well, it's all one.

¶Olivia What's a drunken man like, fool?

¶Clown Like a drowned man, a fool, and a madman: 425one draught above heat makes him a fool, the second ¶mads him, and a third drowns him.

¶Olivia Go thou and seek the coroner, and let him sit ¶o'my coz, for he's in the third degree of drink: he's ¶drowned. Go look after him.

430Clown He is but mad yet, madonna, and the fool shall ¶look to the madman.

¶Malvolio Madam, yond young fellow swears he will ¶speak with you. I told him you were sick; he takes on 435him to understand so much, and therefore comes to speak ¶with you. I told him you were asleep; he seems to have ¶a foreknowledge of that too, and therefore comes to ¶speak with you. What is to be said to him, lady? He's ¶fortified against any denial.

440Olivia Tell him he shall not speak with me.

¶Malvolio He has been told so; and he says he'll stand at ¶your door like a sheriff's post, and be the supporter to ¶a bench, but he'll speak with you.

¶Olivia What kind o'man is he?

445Malvolio Why, of mankind.

¶Olivia What manner of man?

¶Malvolio Of very ill manner: he'll speak with you, will ¶you or no.

¶Olivia Of what personage and years is he?

450Malvolio Not yet old enough for a man, nor young enough ¶for a boy: as a squash is before 'tis a peascod, or a codling ¶when 'tis almost an apple. 'Tis with him in standing ¶water between boy and man. He is very well-favored, ¶and he speaks very shrewishly; one would think his 455mother's milk were scarce out of him.

¶Olivia Let him approach. Call in my gentlewoman.

¶Malvolio [Calling offstage] Gentlewoman, my lady calls.

¶Viola The honorable lady of the house, which is she?

¶Olivia Speak to me, I shall answer for her. Your will?

¶Viola Most radiant, exquisite, and unmatchable 465beauty--[To Maria or a Gentleman] I pray you tell me if this be the lady of the house, ¶for I never saw her. I would be loath to cast away my ¶speech; for besides that it is excellently well penned, I have ¶taken great pains to con it. [Olivia and others laugh.] Good beauties, let me ¶sustain no scorn; I am very comptible, even to the least 470sinister usage.

¶Olivia Whence came you, sir?

¶Viola I can say little more than I have studied, and that ¶question's out of my part. Good gentle one, give me ¶modest assurance if you be the lady of the house, that I 475may proceed in my speech.

¶Olivia Are you a comedian?

¶Viola No, my profound heart; and yet--by the very ¶fangs of malice I swear--I am not that I play. Are you ¶the lady of the house?

480Olivia If I do not usurp myself, I am.

¶Viola Most certain, if you are she, you do usurp your¶self, for what is yours to bestow is not yours to ¶reserve. But this is from my commission. I will on with ¶my speech in your praise, and then show you the heart of 485my message.

¶Olivia Come to what is important in't, I forgive you ¶the praise.

¶Viola Alas, I took great pains to study it, and 'tis ¶poetical.

490Olivia It is the more like to be feigned, I pray you keep ¶it in. I heard you were saucy at my gates, and allowed your ¶approach rather to wonder at you, than to hear you. If ¶you be not mad, be gone. If you have reason, be brief. ¶'Tis not that time of moon with me to make one in so 495skipping a dialogue.

¶Maria Will you hoist sail, sir? Here lies your way.

¶Viola [To Maria] No, good swabber, I am to hull here a little ¶longer. [To Olivia] Some mollification for your Giant, sweet lady! ¶Tell me your mind, I am a messenger.

500Olivia Sure you have some hideous matter to deliver, ¶when the courtesy of it is so fearful. Speak your office.

¶Viola It alone concerns your ear. I bring no ¶overture of war, no taxation of homage. I hold the olive ¶in my hand. My words are as full of peace as matter.

505Olivia Yet you began rudely. What are you? ¶What would you?

¶Viola The rudeness that hath appeared in me, have I ¶learned from my entertainment. What I am, and what I ¶would, are as secret as maidenhead: to your ears, 510divinity; to any others', profanation.

¶Olivia Give us the place alone; ¶we will hear this divinity.

Now sir, what is your text?

¶Viola Most sweet lady--

¶Olivia A comfortable doctrine, and much may be said 515of it. Where lies your text?

¶Viola In Orsino's bosom.

¶Olivia In his bosom! In what chapter of his bosom?

¶Viola To answer by the method, in the first of his heart.

¶Olivia O, I have read it. It is heresy. Have you no more 520to say?

¶Viola Good madam, let me see your face.

¶Olivia Have you any commission from your lord to ¶negotiate with my face? You are now out of your text. ¶But we will draw the curtain, and show you the picture.

525Look you, sir, such a one I was this present. Is't not well ¶done?

¶Viola Excellently done, if god did all.

¶Olivia 'Tis in grain, sir, 'twill endure wind and ¶weather.

535Olivia O sir, I will not be so hardhearted. I will give ¶out divers schedules of my beauty. It shall be inventoried, ¶and every particle and utensil labeled to my will: as, ¶item, [Indicating] two lips, indifferent red; item, two grey eyes, ¶with lids to them; item, one neck; one chin; and so forth. 540Were you sent hither to praise me?