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Author: Anonymous
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The Puritan (Folio 3, 1664)


1785
Enter Widow with her eldest Daughter, Franck,
and Frailty.
Wid. How now? where's my Brother Sir Godfrey?
went he forth this morning?
Frail. O no Madam, he's above at break-fast, with
1790sir reverence a Conjurer.
Wid. A Conjurer? what manner of fellow is he?
Frail. Oh, a wondrous rare fellow, Mistresse, very
strongly made upward, for he goes in a Buff-Jerkin: he
sayes he will fetch Sir Godfrey's Chain agen, if it hang
1795between heaven and earth.
Wid. What he will not? then he's an exlent fellow I
warrant: how happy were that woman to be blest with
such a Husband, a man cunning? how do's he look, Frail-
ty? very swartly I warrant, with black beard, scorcht
1800cheeks, and smoaky eye-browes.
Frail. Fooh--he's neither smoak-dryed, nor scorcht,
nor black, nor nothing, I tell you, Madam, he looks as
fair to see to, as one of us; I do think but if you saw him
once, you'de take him to be a Christian.
1805Franck. So fair, and yet so cunning, that's to be won-
dred at, mother.
Enter Sir Andrew Muck-hill, and Sir An-
drew Tipstaffe.
Muck. Blesse you, sweet Lady.
1810Tip. And you, fair Mistresse.
Exit Frailty.
Wid. Coades, what do you mean, Gentlemen? fie,
did I not give you your answers?
Muck. Sweet Lady?
Wid. Well, I will not stick with you for a kisse:
1815Daughter, kisse the Gentleman for once.
Franck. Yes forsooth.
Tip. I'me proud of such a favour.
Wid. Truly la, sir Oliver, y'are much to blame to
come agen when you know my mind, so well deliver'd---
1820as a Widow could deliver a thing.
Muck. But I exspect a farther comfort, Lady.
Wid. Why la you now, did I not desire you to put off
your suit quite and clean when you came to me again?
how say you? did I not?
1825Muck. But the sincere love which my heart beares to
you----
Wid. Go to, I'le cut you off; and Sir Oliver to put
you in comfort, afar off, my fortune is read me, I must
marry again.
1830Muck. O blest fortune!
Wid. But not as long as I can choose; nay, I'le hold
out well.
Enter Frailty.
Frail. O Madam, Madam.
1835Wid. How now? what's the haste?
In her ear.
Tipst. Faith, Mistresse Frances, I'le maintain you gal-
lantly, I'le bring you to Court, wean you among the fair
society of Ladies poor Kinswomen of mine in cloth of
Silver, beside you shall have your Moncky, your Parrat,
1840your Muskat, and your Pisse, Pisse, Pisse.
Franck. It will doe very well.
Wid. What, do's he mean to Conjure here then? how
shall I do to be rid of these Knights,--please you Gen-
tlemen to walk a while ith' Garden, to gather a pinck, or
1845a Jillly-flower.
Both. With all our hearts, Lady, and count us fa-
vour'd.
Exit.
Sir God. within. Step in Nicholas, look, is the coast
clear?
1850Nich. Oh, as clear as a Carter's eye, sir.
Sir God. Then enter Captain Conjurer:---now
how like you our Room, sir?
Enter Sir Godfrey, Captain, Pye-boord, Edmond,
Nicholas.
1855Cap. O wonderfull convenient.
Edm. I can tell you, Captain, simply though it lies
here, tis the fairest Room in my Mothers house, as dainty
a Room to Conjure in, me thinks,---why you may bid,
I cannot tell how many Devils welcome in't; my Father
1860has had twenty in't at once!
Pye. What Devils?
Edm. Devils, no Deputies, and the wealthiest men he
could get.
Sir God. Nay put by your chats now, fall to your bu-
1865sinesse roundly, the Fescue of the Diall is upon the Chris-
crosse of Noon: but oh, hear me, Captain, a qualme
comes o're my stomack.
Cap. Why, what's the matter, sir?
Sir God. Oh, how if the Devil should prove a knave,
1870and tear the hangings.
Cap. Fuh, I warrant you, Sir Godfrey.
Edm. I, Nuncle, or spit fire upo'th'sealing.
Sir Godf. Very true too, for 'tis but thin plaistered,
and 'twill quickly take hold a the laths: and if he chance
1875to spit downward too, he will burn all the boards.
Cap. My life for yours, Sir Godfrey.
Sir Godf. My sister is very curious and dainty ore this
room I can tell you, and therefore if he must needs spit, I
pray desire him to spit i'th' Chimney.
1880Pye. Why, assure you, sir Godfrey, he shall not be brought
up with so little manners, to spit and spawl a'th'floor.
Sir Godf. Why I thank you, good Captain, pray have a
care I,--fall to your Circle, we'll not trouble you I war-
rant you, come, we'll into the next room, and because
1885we'll be sure to keep him out there, we'll bar up the door
with some of the Godlies Zealous works.
Edm. That will be a fine device, Nuncle; and because
the ground shall be as holy as the door, I'le tear two or
three Rosaries in pieces, and strew the pieces about the
1890Chamber: Oh! the Divil already.
runs in. Thunders.
Pye. Sfoot, Captain, speak somewhat for shame: it
lightens and thunders before thou wilt begin, why when?
Cap. Pray peace, George,--thou'lt make me laugh
anon, and spoil all.
1895Pye. Oh, now it begins agen; now, now, now! Captain.
Cap. Rhumbos-ragdayon, pur, pur, colucundrion Hois-
Plois.
Sir Godfrey through the key-hole, within.
Sir Godf. Oh admirable Conjurer! has fetcht Thunder
1900already.
Pye. Hark hark, agen Captain.
Cap. Benjamino,-gaspois-kay-gosgothoteron-umbrois.
Sir Godf. Oh, I would the Devil would come away
quickly, he has no conscience to put a man to such pain.
1905Pye. Agen.
Cap. Flowste-kakopumpos-dragone-leloomenos-hodge-
podge.
Pye. Well said, Captain.
Sir Godf. So long a coming? Oh would I had nere be-
1910gun't now, for I fear me these roaring Tempests will de-
stroy all the fruits of the earth, and tread upon my corn
oh, i'th' Countrey.
Cap. Gog de gog, hobgoblin, huncks, hounslow, hockley
te coome park.
1915Wid. O brother, brother, what a Tempest's ith'Garden,
sure there's some Conjuration abroad.
Sir Godf. 'Tis at home, sister.
Pye. By and by I'le step in, Captain.
Cap. Nunck-Nunck-Rip-Gascoines, Ips, Drip-Dropite.
1920Sir God. He drips and drops, poor man: alas, alas.
Pye. Now, I come.
Cap. O Sulphure Sootface.
Pye. Arch-Conjurer, what would'st thou with me?
Sir Godf. O, the Devil, sister, i'th' dining-Chamber:
1925sing sister, I warrant you that will keep him out; quickly,
quickly, quickly.
goes in.
Pye. So, so, so; I'le release thee: enough Captain, e[-}
nough: allow us some time to laugh a little, they're
shuddering and shaking by this time, as if an Earthquake
1930were in their kidneyes.
Cap. Sirrah George, how was't, how was't? did I do't
well enough?
Pye. Woult believe me, Captain, better then any Con-
jurer, for here was no harm in this; and yet their horri-
1935ble expectation satisfied well, you were much beholding
to Thunder and Lightning at this time, it grac'st you well,
I can tell you.
Cap. I must needs say so, George: sirrah if we could
ha convey'd hither cleanly a cracker, or a fire-wheel,
1940t'ad been admirable.
Pye. Blurt, blurt, there's nothing remains to put thee
to pain now, Captain.
Cap. Pain? I protest, George, my heels are sorer then
a Whison Morris-dancer's.
1945Pye. All's past now,--onely to reveal that the Chain's
i'th' Garden, where, thou know'st, it has lain these two
dayes.
Ca. But I fear, that fox Nicholas has reveal'd it already.
Pye. Fear not, Captain, you must put it toth' venture
1950now: Nay 'tis time, call upon 'em, take pitty on 'em, for
I believe some of 'em are in a pittifull case by this time.
Cap. Sir Godfrey, Nicholas, Kinsman,--sfoot they're
fast at it still: George, Sir Godfrey?
Sir Godf. Oh, is that the Devil's voice? how comes
1955he to know my name?
Cap. Fear not, Sir Godfrey, all's quieted.
Sir Godf. What, is he laid?
Cap. Laid: and has newly dropt
Your chain i'th' Garden.
1960Sir Godf. I'th' Garden! in our Garden?
Cap. Your Garden.
Sir Godf. O sweet Conjurer! whereabouts there?
Cap. Look well about a banck of Rosemary.
Sir Godf. Sister, the Rosemary-banck, come, come;
1965there's my chain he sayes.
Wid. Oh happiness! run, run.supposed to goe.
Edm. Captain Conjurer?
Edm. at key-hole.
Cap. Who? Master Edmond?
Edm. I, Master Edmond; may I come in safely with-
1970out danger, think you?
Cap. Puh, long agoe, 'tis all as 'twas at first:
Fear nothing, pray come near, - how now, man?
Edm. Oh! this room's mightily hot ifaith: slid, my
shirt sticks to my Belly already: what a steam the Rogue
1975has left behind him? foh, this room must be air'd, Gen-
tlemen, it smells horribly of Brimstone,-let's open the
windows.
Pye. Faith, Master Edmond, 'tis but your conceit.
Edm. I would you could make me believe that, ifaith,
1980why do you think I cannot smell his savour, from another:
yet I take it kindly from you, because you would not
put me in a fear, ifaith: a my troth I shall love you for
this the longest day of my life.
Cap. Puh, 'tis nothing, Sir, love me when you see
1985more.
Edm. Mass, now I remember, I'le look whether he
has singed the hangings, or no.
Pye. Captain, to entertain a little sport till they come:
make him believe, you'll charm him invisible, he's apt to
1990admire any thing, you see, let me alone to give force to't.
Cap. Go, retire to yonder end then.
Edm. I protest you are a rare fellow, are you not?
Cap. O Master Edmond, you know but the least part of
me yet; why now at this instant I could but flourish my
1995wand thrice ore your head, and charm you invisible.
Edm. What you could not? make me walk invisible
man? I should laugh at that ifaith; troth I'le require your
kindness, an you'll do't, good Captain Conjurer.
Cap. Nay, I should hardly deny you such a small
2000kindness, Master Edmond Plus, why, look you, sir, 'tis no
more but this, and thus agen, and now y'are invisible.
Edm. Am I faith? who would think it?
Capt. You see the Fortune-teller yonder at farder end
a'th'chamber, go toward him, do what you will with him,
2005he shall nere find you.
Edm. Say you so, I'le try that ifaith,---
Justles him.
Pye. Hoe now, Captain? whose that justled me?
Cap. Justled you? I saw no body.
Edm. Ha, ha, ha,--------say 'twas a spirit.
2010Cap. Shall I?---may be some spirit that haunt the circle.
Pye. O my nose, agen, pray conjure then Captain.
Pulls him by the Nose.
Edm. Troth this is exlent, I may do any knavery now
and never be seen,--and now I remember me, Sir God-
2015frey my Uncle abus'd me tother day, and told tales of me
to my Mother---Troth now I'me invisible, I'le hit
him a sound wherrit a'th'ear, when he comes out a'th'gar-
den,---I may be reveng'd on him now finely.
Enter Sir Godfrey, Widow, Frank, Nicho-
2020
las with the Chain.
Sir Godf. I have my Chain again, my Chain's found
again,
Edmond strikes him.
O sweet Captain, O admirable Conjurer.
Oh, what mean you by that, Nephew?
2025Edm. Nephew? I hope you do not know me, Uncle?
Wid. Why did you strike your Uncle, Son?
Edm. Why Captain, am I not invisible?
Cap. A good jest, George,---not now you are not sir,
Why did you not see me, when I did uncharme you?
2030Edm. Not I, by my troth, Captain:
Then pray you pardon me, Uncle,
I thought I'de been invisible when I struck you.
Sir Godf. So, you would do't? go,---y'are a foolish boy,
And were I not ore-come with greater joy,
2035I'de make you taste correction.
Edm. Correction, push---no, neither you nor my
Mother, shall think to whip me as you have done.
Sir Godf. Captain, my joy is such, I know not how
to thank you, let me embrace you, O my sweet Chain,
2040gladnesse e'en makes me giddy, rare man: 'twas just i'th'
Rosemary bank, as if one should ha laid it there,----oh
cunning, cunning!
Wid. Well, seeing my fortune tells me I must marry;
let me marry a man of wit, a man of parts, here's a wor[-}
2045thy Captain, and 'tis a fine Title truly la to be a Cap-
tain's Wife, a Captain's Wife, it goes very finely, beside
all the world knows that a worthy Captain, is a fit Com-
panion to any Lord, then why not a sweet bed-fellow
for any Lady,---I'le have it so--------
2050
Enter Frailty.
Frail. O Mistris, Gentlemen, there's the bravest sight
coming along this way.
Wid. What brave sight?
Frail. Oh, one going to burying, and another going
2055to hanging.
Wid. A ruefull sight.
Pye. 'Sfoot Captain, I'le pawn my life the Corporal's
coffin'd, and old Skirmish the souldier going to execution,
and 'tis now about the time of his waking; hold out a
2060little longer sleepy potion, and we shall have exlent ad-
miration; for I'le take upon me the cure of him.