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The Puritan Widow (Folio 3, 1664)

Author: Anonymous
Not Peer Reviewed
385
Enter Captain Idle at one door, and old Souldier
at the other.
George Pye-board speaking within.
Pye. Pray turn the key.
Skir. Turn the key I pray?
390Cap. Who should those be, I almost know their voices?
O my friends!Entring.
Y'are welcome to a smelling Room here? you newly
took leave of the air, is't not a strange savour?
Pie. As all Prison's have smells of sundry wretches;
395Who though departed, leave their sents behind 'em,
By Gold Captain, I am sincerely sorry for thee.
Cap. By my troth, George, I thank thee; but, pish--
what must be, must be.
Skir. Captain, what do you lie in for? is't great?
400what's your offence?
Cap. Faith, my offence is ordinary,--common, a
High-way, and I fear me my penalty will be ordinary
and common too, a Halter.
Pye. Nay, prophesie not so ill, it shall go hard
405But I'le shift for thy life.
Cap. Whether I live or dye, thou'rt an honest George.
I'le tell you---Silver flow'd not with me, as it had done,
(for now the tide runs to Bawds and Flatterers) I had a
start out, and by chance set upon a fat Steward, thinking
410his Purse had been as pursie as his body; and the slave
had about him but the poor purchase of ten groats: not-
withstanding being descryed, pursued, and taken, I know
the Law is so grim, in respect of many desperate, unset-
led Souldiers, that I fear me I shall dance after their pipe
415for't.
Skir. I am twice sorry for you, Captain; first, that
your purchase was so small, and now that your danger is
so great.
Cap. Push, the worst is but death,---ha you a pipe of
420Tobacco about you?
Skir. I think I have thereabouts about me!
Captain blows a pipe.
Cap. Here's a clean Gentlman too, to receive.
Pye. Well, I must cast about some happy slight:
425Work brain, that ever did'st thy Master right.
Cor. Keeper, let the key be turn'd.
Corporal and Nicholas within.
Nic. I, I, pray master Keeper give's a cast of your office.
Cap. How now? more visitants?--what, Corporal Oath?
430Pye. Skir. Corporal.
Cor. In prison, honest Captain? this must not be.
Nic. How do you, Captain Kinsman?
Cap. Good Coxcomb, what makes that pure,--starcht
fool here?
435Nic. You see, Kinsman, I am somewhat bold to call
in, and see how you do; I heard you were safe enough,
and I was very glad on't, that it was no worse.
Cap. This is a double torture now,---this fool by th'
book doth vex me more then my imprisonment. What
440meant you, Corporal, to hook him hither?
Cor. Who, he? he shall relieve thee, and supply thee,
I'le make him do't.
Cap. Fie, what vain breath you spend:
He supply? I'le sooner expect mercy from a Usurer when
445my Bond's forfeited, sooner kindnesse from a Lawyer
when my money's spent: nay, sooner charity from the
Devil, then good from a Puritan. I'le look for relief from
him, when Lucifer is restor'd to his bloud, and in Hea-
ven again.
450Nic. I warrant my Kinsman's talking of me, for my
left ear burns most tyrannically.
Pye. Captain Idle? what's he there? he looks like a
Monkey upward, and a Crane downward.
Cap. Pshaw; a foolish cousin of mine: I must thank
455God for him.
Pye. Why the better subject to work a scape upon;
thou shalt e'en change cloathes with him, and leave him
here, and so---
Cap Push, I publisht him e'en now to my Corporal,
460he will be damn'd ere he do me so much good; why I
know a more proper, a more handsome device then that,
if the slave would be sociable,---now goodman Fleer-
face?
Nic. Oh, my Cousin begins to speak to me now, I
465shall be acquainted with him again, I hope.
Skir. Look! what ridiculous Raptures take hold of his
wrinckles.
Pye. Then what say you to this device, a happy one,
Captain?
470Cap. Speak low, George; Prison Rats have wider
eares then those in Malt-lofts.
Nic. Cousin, if it lay in my power, as they say--to--do-
Cap. 'Twould do me an exceeding pleasure indeed,
that; nere talk forder on't, the fool will be hang'd ere
475he do't.
Cor. Pax, I'le thump'im to't.
Pye. Why do but try the Fopster, and break it to
him bluntly.
Cap. And so my disgrace will dwell in his Jawes, & the
480Slave slaver out our purpose to his Master, for would I
were but as sure on't, as I am sure he will deny to do't.
Nic. I would be heartily glad, Cousin, if any of my
friendships, as they say, might--stand, ah--
Pye. Why, you see he offers his friendship foolishly to
485you already.
Cap. I, that's the hell on't, I would he would offer it
wisely.
Nic. Verily, and indeed-la, Cousin--
Cap.I have took note of thy fleers a good while, if
490thou art minded to do me good? as thou gap'st upon me
comfortably, and giv'st me charitable faces; which indeed
is but a fashion in you all that are Puritans, wilt soon at
night steal me thy Master's Chain?
Nic.Oh, I shall sowne!
495Pye. Corporal, he starts already!
Cap. I know it to be worth three hundred Crowns,
and with the half of that, I can buy my life at a Bro-
kers, at second hand, which now lies in pawn to the
Law, if this thou refuse to do, being
easie and nothing
500dangerous, in that thou art held in good opinion of thy
Master; why 'tis a palpable Argument thou hold'st my
life at no price, and these thy broken and unjoynted
offers, are but only created in thy lip, now born, and
now buried, foolish breath only: what, woult do't? shall I
505look for happinesse in thy answer?
Nich. Steal my Master's Chain quoth he? no, it shall
nere be said, that Nicholas Saint Tantlings committed
Bird-lime!
Cap. Nay, I told you as much, did I not? though he
510be a Puritan, yet he will be a true man.
Nic. Why Cousin, you know 'tis written, Thou shalt
not steal.
Cap. Why, and fool, thou shalt love thy Neighbour,
and help him in extremities.
515Nic. Mass I think it be indeed; in what Chapter's
that, Cousin?
Capt. Why in the first of Charity, the second verse.
Nic. The first of Charity, quath a, that's a good
jest, there no such Chapter in my book!
520Cap. No, I know twas torn out of thy Book, and that
makes so little in thy heart.
Pye. Come, let me tell you, y'are too unkind a Kins-
man ifaith; the Captain loving you so dearly, I, like the
Pomwater of his eye, & you to be so uncomfortable, fie, fie.
525Nic. Pray do not wish me to be hang'd, any thing else
that I can do; had it been to rob, I would ha don't, but I
must not Steal, that's the word, the literal, Thou shalt
not steal; and would you wish me to steal then?
Pye. No faith, that were too much, to speak truth;
530why wilt thou Nim it from him?
Nic. That I will.
Pye. Why enough, Bully; he will be content with that,
or he shall ha none; let me alone with him now, Cap-
tain, I ha dealt with your Kinsman in a corner; a good,
535--kind-natur'd fellow, me thinks: go to, you shall not
have all your own asking, you shall bate somewhat on't,
he is not contented absolutely, as you would say, to steal
the Chain from him, but to do you a pleasure, he will nim
it from him.
540Nic. I, that I will, Cousin.
Cap. Well, seeing he will do no more, as far as I see,
I must be contented with that.
Cor. Here's no notable gullery?
Pye. Nay, I'le come nearer to you, Gentleman, because
545we'll have only but a help and a mirth on't, the Knight
shall not lose his Chain neither, but be only laid out of
the way some one or two dayes.
Nic. I, that would be good indeed, Kinsman.
Pye. For I have a farder reach, to profit us better, by
550the missing on't only, then if we had it out-right, as my
discourse shall make it known to you;--when thou hast
the Chain, do but convey it out at a back-door into the
Garden, and there hang it close in the Rosemary banck,
but for a small season; and by that harmlesse device, I
555know how to wind Captain Idle out of prison, the Knight
thy Master shall get his pardon, and release him, and he
satisfie thy Master with his own Chain, and wondrous
thanks on both hands.
Nic. That were rare indeed la, pray let me know how.
560Pye. Nay, 'tis very necessary thou should'st know,
because thou must be employ'd as an Actor?
Nic. An Actor? O no, that's a Player? and our Par-
son rails against Players mightily I can tell you, because
they brought him drunk upo'th'Stage once,--as he will be
565horribly drunk.
Cor. Mass I cannot blame him then, poor Church-spout.
Pye. Why as an Intermedler then?
Nic. I, that, that.
Pye. Give me audience then; when the old Knight thy
570Master has rag'd his fill for the loss of the Chain, tell him
thou hast a Kinsman in prison, of such exquisite Art, that
the Devil himself is French Lackey to him, and runs
bare-headed by his horse-----belly (when he has
one:) whom he will cause, with most Irish dexteri-
575ty to fetch his Chain, though 'twere hid under a mine
of Sea-coal, and ne're make Spade or Pick-axe his
instruments; tell him but this, with farder instructions
thou shalt receive from me, and thou show'st thy self a
Kinsman indeed.
580Cor. A dainty Bully.
Skir. An honest--Book-keeper.
Cap. And my three times thrice honey-Cousin.
Nic. Nay, grace of God I'le rob him on't suddenly,
and hang it in the Rosemary banck, but I bear that mind,
585Cousin, I would not Steal any thing, me thinks, for mine
own Father.
Skir. He bears a good mind in that, Captain.
Py. Why well said, he begins to be an honest fellow, faith.
Cor. In troth he does.
590Nic. You see, Cousin, I am willing to do you any kind-
ness, alwayes saving my self harmless.
Exit Nicholas.
Captain. Why I thank thee, fare thee well, I shall re-
quite it..
Cor. 'Twill be good for thee, Captain, that thou hast
595such an egregious Asse to thy Cousin.
Cap. I, is not that a fine fool, Corporal?
But George, thou talk'st of Art and Conjuring,
How shall that be?
Pyb. Puh, be't not in your care,
600Leave that to me and my directions;
Well, Captain, doubt not thy delivery now,
E'en with the vantage, man, to gain by Prison,
As my thoughts prompt me: hold on brain and plot,
I aim at many cunning far events,
605All which I doubt not to hit at length,
I'le to the Widow with a quaint assault,
Captain be merry.
Cap. Who I? Kerry merry Buffe-Jerkin.
Pye. Oh, I am happy in more slights, and one will
610knit strong in another, --Corporal Oath.
Cor. Hoh Bully!
Pye. And thou, old Peter Skirmish, I have a necessary
task for you both.
Skir. Lay't upon George Pye-bord.
615Corp. What e're it be, we'll manage it.
Pye. I would have you two maintain a quarrell before
the Lady Widdowes door, and draw your Swords ith'edge
of the Evening: clash a little, clash, clash.
Corp. Fuh.
620Let us alone to make our Blades ring noon,
Though it be after supper.
Pye. I know you can;
And out of that false fire, I doubt not but to raise strange
belief--and, Captain, to countenance my device the bet-
625ter, and grace my words to the Widow, I have a good
plain Sattin Sute, that I had of a young Reveller tother
night, for words pass not regarded now a dayes, unless they
come from a good suit of cloathes, which the Fates and my
wits have bestowed upon me. Well, Captain Idle, if I
630did not highly love thee, I would ne're be seen within
twelve score of a prison, for I protest at this instant, I
walk in great danger of small debts; I owe money to se-
verall Hostesses, and you know such Jills will quickly be
upon a mans Jack.
635Capt. True, George?
Pye. Fare thee well, Captain. Come Corporall and
Ancient, thou shalt hear more newes next time we greet
thee.
Corp. More newes? I, by yon Bear at Bridge-Foot in
640heaven shalt thou.
Exeunt.
Capt. Enough: my friends farewell,
This prison shewes as if Ghosts did part in Hell.