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Author: Anonymous
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The Puritan (Folio 3, 1664)

The Puritan Widow.
Cap. Fuh, I warrant you, Sir Godfrey.
Edm. I, Nuncle, or spit fire upo'th'sealing.
Sir Godf. Very true too, for 'tis but thin plaistered,
and 'twill quickly take hold a the laths: and if he chance
1875to spit downward too, he will burn all the boards.
Cap. My life for yours, Sir Godfrey.
Sir Godf. My sister is very curious and dainty ore this
room I can tell you, and therefore if he must needs spit, I
pray desire him to spit i'th' Chimney.
1880Pye. Why, assure you, sir Godfrey, he shall not be brought
up with so little manners, to spit and spawl a'th'floor.
Sir Godf. Why I thank you, good Captain, pray have a
care I,--fall to your Circle, we'll not trouble you I war-
rant you, come, we'll into the next room, and because
1885we'll be sure to keep him out there, we'll bar up the door
with some of the Godlies Zealous works.
Edm. That will be a fine device, Nuncle; and because
the ground shall be as holy as the door, I'le tear two or
three Rosaries in pieces, and strew the pieces about the
1890Chamber: Oh! the Divil already.
runs in. Thunders.
Pye. Sfoot, Captain, speak somewhat for shame: it
lightens and thunders before thou wilt begin, why when?
Cap. Pray peace, George,--thou'lt make me laugh
anon, and spoil all.
1895Pye. Oh, now it begins agen; now, now, now! Captain.
Cap. Rhumbos-ragdayon, pur, pur, colucundrion Hois-
Sir Godfrey through the key-hole, within.
Sir Godf. Oh admirable Conjurer! has fetcht Thunder
Pye. Hark hark, agen Captain.
Cap. Benjamino,-gaspois-kay-gosgothoteron-umbrois.
Sir Godf. Oh, I would the Devil would come away
quickly, he has no conscience to put a man to such pain.
1905Pye. Agen.
Cap. Flowste-kakopumpos-dragone-leloomenos-hodge-
Pye. Well said, Captain.
Sir Godf. So long a coming? Oh would I had nere be-
1910gun't now, for I fear me these roaring Tempests will de-
stroy all the fruits of the earth, and tread upon my corn
oh, i'th' Countrey.
Cap. Gog de gog, hobgoblin, huncks, hounslow, hockley
te coome park.
1915Wid. O brother, brother, what a Tempest's ith'Garden,
sure there's some Conjuration abroad.
Sir Godf. 'Tis at home, sister.
Pye. By and by I'le step in, Captain.
Cap. Nunck-Nunck-Rip-Gascoines, Ips, Drip-Dropite.
1920Sir God. He drips and drops, poor man: alas, alas.
Pye. Now, I come.
Cap. O Sulphure Sootface.
Pye. Arch-Conjurer, what would'st thou with me?
Sir Godf. O, the Devil, sister, i'th' dining-Chamber:
1925sing sister, I warrant you that will keep him out; quickly,
quickly, quickly.
goes in.
Pye. So, so, so; I'le release thee: enough Captain, e[-}
nough: allow us some time to laugh a little, they're
shuddering and shaking by this time, as if an Earthquake
1930were in their kidneyes.
Cap. Sirrah George, how was't, how was't? did I do't
well enough?
Pye. Woult believe me, Captain, better then any Con-
jurer, for here was no harm in this; and yet their horri-
1935ble expectation satisfied well, you were much beholding
to Thunder and Lightning at this time, it grac'st you well,
I can tell you.
Cap. I must needs say so, George: sirrah if we could
ha convey'd hither cleanly a cracker, or a fire-wheel,
1940t'ad been admirable.
Pye. Blurt, blurt, there's nothing remains to put thee
to pain now, Captain.
Cap. Pain? I protest, George, my heels are sorer then
a Whison Morris-dancer's.
1945Pye. All's past now,--onely to reveal that the Chain's
i'th' Garden, where, thou know'st, it has lain these two
Ca. But I fear, that fox Nicholas has reveal'd it already.
Pye. Fear not, Captain, you must put it toth' venture
1950now: Nay 'tis time, call upon 'em, take pitty on 'em, for
I believe some of 'em are in a pittifull case by this time.
Cap. Sir Godfrey, Nicholas, Kinsman,--sfoot they're
fast at it still: George, Sir Godfrey?
Sir Godf. Oh, is that the Devil's voice? how comes
1955he to know my name?
Cap. Fear not, Sir Godfrey, all's quieted.
Sir Godf. What, is he laid?
Cap. Laid: and has newly dropt
Your chain i'th' Garden.
1960Sir Godf. I'th' Garden! in our Garden?
Cap. Your Garden.
Sir Godf. O sweet Conjurer! whereabouts there?
Cap. Look well about a banck of Rosemary.
Sir Godf. Sister, the Rosemary-banck, come, come;
1965there's my chain he sayes.
Wid. Oh happiness! run, run.supposed to goe.
Edm. Captain Conjurer?
Edm. at key-hole.
Cap. Who? Master Edmond?
Edm. I, Master Edmond; may I come in safely with-
1970out danger, think you?
Cap. Puh, long agoe, 'tis all as 'twas at first:
Fear nothing, pray come near, - how now, man?
Edm. Oh! this room's mightily hot ifaith: slid, my
shirt sticks to my Belly already: what a steam the Rogue
1975has left behind him? foh, this room must be air'd, Gen-
tlemen, it smells horribly of Brimstone,-let's open the
Pye. Faith, Master Edmond, 'tis but your conceit.
Edm. I would you could make me believe that, ifaith,
1980why do you think I cannot smell his savour, from another:
yet I take it kindly from you, because you would not
put me in a fear, ifaith: a my troth I shall love you for
this the longest day of my life.
Cap. Puh, 'tis nothing, Sir, love me when you see
Edm. Mass, now I remember, I'le look whether he
has singed the hangings, or no.
Pye. Captain, to entertain a little sport till they come:
make him believe, you'll charm him invisible, he's apt to
1990admire any thing, you see, let me alone to give force to't.
Cap. Go, retire to yonder end then.
Edm. I protest you are a rare fellow, are you not?
Cap. O Master Edmond, you know but the least part of
me yet; why now at this instant I could but flourish my
1995wand thrice ore your head, and charm you invisible.
Edm. What you could not? make me walk invisible
man? I should laugh at that ifaith; troth I'le require your
kindness, an you'll do't, good Captain Conjurer.
Cap. Nay, I should hardly deny you such a small
2000kindness, Master Edmond Plus, why, look you, sir, 'tis no
more but this, and thus agen, and now y'are invisible.
Edm. Am I faith? who would think it?
Capt. You see the Fortune-teller yonder at farder end