Internet Shakespeare Editions


[Scene 20]
Enters Derrick, with his girdle full of shoes.
1705DERRICK
How now? Zounds, it did me good to see how
I did triumph over the Frenchmen.
Enters John Cobbler roving, with a pack full of apparel.
JOHN
Whoop, Derrick, how dost thou?
1710DERRICK
What John, Comedevales? Alive yet?
JOHN
I promise thee Derrick, I 'scaped hardly,
For I was within half a mile when one was killed.
1715DERRICK
Were you so?
JOHN
Aye, trust me. I had like been slain.
DERRICK
1720But once killed, why it is nothing.
I was four or five times slain.
JOHN
Four or five times slain!
Why, how couldst thou have been alive now?
1725DERRICK
Oh, John, never say so,
For I was called "the bloody soldier" amongst them all.
JOHN
Why, what didst thou?
1730DERRICK
Why I will tell thee, John:
Every day when I went into the field
I would take a straw and thrust it into my nose
And make my nose bleed, and then I would go into the field,
1735And when the captain saw me he would say,
"Peace, a bloody soldier!" and bid me stand aside,
Whereof I was glad.
But mark the chance, John:
I went and stood behind a tree -- but mark then, John --
1740I thought I had been safe, but on a sudden
There steps to me a lusty tall Frenchman.
Now he drew, and I drew,
Now I lay here, and he lay there,
Now I set this leg before, and turned this backward,
1745And skipped quite over a hedge,
And he saw me no more there that day.
And was not this well done, John?
JOHN
Mass, Derrick, thou hast a witty head.
1750DERRICK
Aye, John, thou mayst see, if thou hadst taken my counsel --
But what hast thou there?
I think thou hast been robbing the Frenchmen.
JOHN
1755I'faith, Derrick, I have gotten some reparrel
To carry home to my wife.
DERRICK
And I have got some shoes,
For I'll tell thee what I did: when they were dead,
1760I would go take off all their shoes.
JOHN
Aye, but Derrick, how shall we get home?
DERRICK
Nay, zounds, an they take thee
1765They will hang thee.
Oh, John, never do so! If it be thy fortune to be hanged,
Be hanged in thy own language, whatsoever thou dost.
JOHN
Why Derrick, the wars is done;
1770We may go home now.
DERRICK
Aye, but you may not go before you ask the king leave.
But I know a way to go home and ask the king no leave.
JOHN
1775How is that, Derrick?
DERRICK
Why John, thou knowest the Duke of York's
Funeral must be carried into England, dost thou not?
JOHN
1780Aye, that I do.
DERRICK
Why then thou knowest we'll go with it.
JOHN
Aye, but Derrick, how shall we do for to meet them?
1785DERRICK
Zounds, if I make not shift to meet them, hang me.
Sirrah, thou know'st that in every town there will
Be ringing, and there will be cakes and drink.
Now I will go to the clerk and sexton
1790And keep a talking, and say, "Oh, this fellow rings well!"
And thou shalt go and take a piece of cake. Then I'll ring,
And thou shalt say, "Oh, this fellow keeps a good stint!"
And then I will go drink to thee all the way.
But I marvel what my dame will say when we come home,
1795Because we have not a French word to cast at a dog
By the way!
JOHN
Why, what shall we do, Derrick?
DERRICK
1800Why, John, I'll go before and call my dame whore,
And thou shalt come after and set fire on the house.
We may do it John, for I'll prove it:
Because we be soldiers.
The trumpets sound.
JOHN
1805Derrick, help me to carry my shoes and boots.