Internet Shakespeare Editions

Author: Ben Jonson
Editor: David Bevington
Not Peer Reviewed

Everyman In His Humor (Modern)


[Enter Giuliano with Bianca.
Giuliano Well, sister, I tell you true, and you'll find it so in the end.
Bianca Alas, brother, what would you have me to do? I cannot 1505help it; you see, my brother Prospero, he brings them in here; they are his friends.
Giuliano His friends? His fiends! 'Sblood, they do nothing but haunt him up and down like a sort of unlucky sprites and tempt him to all manner of villainy that can be thought of. Well, by this light, a little 1510thing would make me play the devil with some of them. An 'twere not more for your husband's sake than anything else, I'd make the house too hot for them. They should say and swear hell were broken loose ere they went. But, by God's bread, 'tis nobody's fault but yours. For, an you had done as you might have done, they should have been damned ere they should have come in, e'er a one of them!
1515Bianca God's my life, did you ever hear the like? What a strange man is this! Could I keep out all them, think you? I should put myself against half a dozen men, should I? Good faith, you'd mad the patient'st body in the world to hear you talk so, without any sense or reason.
[Enter Matheo [holding papers], with Hesperida [and] Bobadilla, [followed at a distance by] Stephano, Lorenzo Jr., Prospero, [and] Musco.
1520Hesperida [To Matheo] Servant, in troth, you are too prodigal
Of your wit's treasure, thus to pour it forth
Upon so mean a subject as my worth.
Matheo You say well, you say well.
Giuliano Hoyday, here is stuff!
1525Lorenzo Jr.
[Aside to Prospero]
Oh, now stand close. Pray God she can get him to read it.
Prospero [Aside to Lorenzo Jr.] Tut, fear not. I warrant thee, he will do it of himself with much impudency.
Hesperida
[Indicating Matheo's papers]
Servant, what is that same, I pray you?
Matheo Marry, an elegy, an elegy, an odd toy.
Giuliano Ay, to mock an ape withal. O Jesu!
1530Bianca Sister, I pray you, let's hear it.
Matheo Mistress, I'll read it, if you please.
Hesperida I pray you do, servant.
Giuliano Oh, here's no foppery! 'Sblood, it frets me to the gall to think on it.
Exit.
Prospero [Aside to Lorenzo Jr.] Oh, ay, it is his condition. Peace, we are fairly rid of him.
1535Matheo Faith, I did it in an humor. I know not how it is, but, please you, come near, signor. This gentleman
[indicating Stephano]
hath judgment; he knows how to censure of a -- .
[To Stephano]
I pray you, sir, you can judge.
Stephano Not I, sir -- as I have a soul to be saved; as I am a gentleman.
1540Lorenzo Jr.
[Aside to Prospero]
Nay, it's well, so long as he doth not forswear himself.
Bobadilla [To Matheo] Signor, you abuse the excellency of your mistress and her fair sister. Fie, while you live, avoid this prolixity.
Matheo I shall, sir. Well, incipere dulce.
Lorenzo Jr.
[Aside to Prospero]
How? "Insipere dulce"? "A sweet thing to be a fool," indeed.
Prospero [Aside to Lorenzo Jr.] What, do you take "incipere" in that sense?
1545Lorenzo Jr.
[Aside to Prospero]
You do not, you? 'Sblood, this was your villainy, to gull him with a mot.
Prospero [Aside to Lorenzo Jr.] Oh, the benchers' phrase: pauca verba, pauca verba.
Matheo [Reads]
Rare creature, let me speak without offense.
1550Would God my rude words had the influence
To rule thy thoughts, as thy fair looks do mine!
Then shouldst thou be his prisoner who is thine.
Lorenzo Jr.
[Aside to Prospero]
'Sheart, this is in Hero and Leander!
1555Prospero [Aside to Lorenzo Jr.] Oh, ay, peace. We shall have more of this.
Matheo [Reciting]
Be not unkind and fair. Misshapen stuff
Is of behavior boisterous and rough --
Prospero
[To Stephano]
How like you that, signor?
[Stephano shakes his head vigorously up and down.]
Lorenzo Jr. [Aside to Prospero] 'Sblood, he shakes his head like a bottle, to feel an there be any brain in it.
Matheo But observe the catastrophe now:
And I in duty will exceed all other
As you in beauty do excel Love's mother.
[He presents the verses to Hesperida.]
1570Lorenzo Jr. [Aside to Prospero] Well, I'll have him free of the brokers, for he utters nothing but stol'n remnants.
Prospero
[Aside to Lorenzo Jr.]
Nay, good critic, forbear.
Lorenzo Jr. [Aside to Prospero] A pox on him, hang him,
filching rogue! Steal from the dead? It's worse than sacrilege.
1575Prospero
[To Hesperida]
Sister, what have you here? Verses? I pray you, let's see.
[Prospero takes the verses from Hesperida and examines them.]
Bianca Do you let them go so lightly, sister?
Hesperida Yes, faith, when they come lightly.
Bianca Ay, but if your servant should hear you, he would take it heavily.
1580Hesperida No matter. He is able to bear.
Bianca So are asses.
Hesperida So is he.
Prospero Signor Matheo, who made these verses? They are excellent good.
Matheo Oh, God, sir, it's your pleasure to say so, sir. Faith, I made them extempore this morning.
1585Prospero How, extempore?
Matheo I would I might be damned else. Ask Signor Bobadilla. He saw me write them at the -- pox on it! -- the Miter yonder.
[Aside to Prospero and Lorenzo Jr.]
Well, an the Pope knew he cursed the miter, it were enough to have him excommunicated all the taverns 1590in the town.
Stephano [To Lorenzo Jr.] Cousin, how do you like this gentleman's verses?
Lorenzo Jr. Oh, admirable! The best that ever I heard.
Stephano By this fair heavens, they are admirable, the best that ever I heard.
[Enter Giuliano.
1595Giuliano [To himself] I am vexed. I can hold never a bone of me still! 'Sblood, I think they mean to build a tabernacle here. Well!
Prospero
[To Hesperida]
Sister, you have a simple servant here, that crowns your beauty with such encomions and devices. You may see what it is to be the mistress of a wit that can make your perfections so transparent that 1600every blear eye may look through them and see him drowned over head and ears in the deep well of desire. -- Sister Bianca, I marvel you get you not a servant that can rhyme and do tricks, too.
Giuliano [To himself] Oh, monster! Impudence itself! Tricks?
[To Prospero]
Tricks, brother? What tricks?
1605Hesperida Nay, speak, I pray you, what tricks?
Bianca Ay, never spare anybody here, but say, what tricks?
Hesperida Passion of my heart! "Do tricks"?
Prospero 'Sblood, here's a trick, vied and revied. Why, you monkeys, you, what a caterwauling do you keep! Has he not given you rhymes and verses 1610and tricks?
Giuliano
[To himself]
Oh, see the devil!
Prospero [To Hesperida] Nay, you lamp of virginity, that take it in snuff so, come and cherish this tame poetical fury in your "servant"; you'll be begged else shortly for a concealment. Go to, reward his muse. You cannot 1615give him less than a shilling, in conscience, for the book he had it out of cost him a teston at the least. -- How now, gallants, Lorenzo, Signor Bobadilla? What, all sons of silence? No spirit?
Giuliano
[Aloud]
Come, you might practice your ruffian tricks somewhere else and not here, iwis. This is no tavern, nor no place for such exploits.
1620Prospero 'Sheart, how now?
Giuliano Nay, boy, never look askance at me for the matter. I'll tell you of it, by God's bread! Ay, and you and your companions, mend yourselves when I have done.
Prospero My companions?
1625Giuliano Ay, your companions, sir, so I say. 'Sblood, I am not afraid of you nor them neither. You must have your poets and your cavaliers and your fools follow you up and down the city, and here they must come to domineer and swagger?
[To Matheo]
Sirrah, you ballad-singer, and Slops, your fellow there, get you out! Get you out or, by the will of God, I'll 1630cut off your ears! Go to.
Prospero [To Matheo and Bobadilla, as they move away] 'Sblood, stay. Let's see what he dare do. [To Giuliano] Cut off his ears? You are an ass. Touch any man here and, by the Lord, I'll run my rapier to the hilts in thee.
1635Giuliano Yea, that would I fain see, boy.
They all draw. The women make a great cry.
Bianca Oh, Jesu! Piso, Matheo, murder!
Hesperida Help, help, Piso!
[Enter Piso and some more of the house to part them.
1640Lorenzo Jr. Gentlemen! Prospero! Forbear, I pray you.
Bobadilla
[To Giuliano]
Well, sirrah, you Holofernes: by my hand, I will pink thy flesh full of holes with my rapier for this, I will, by this good heaven!
They offer to fight again and are parted.
1645Nay, let him come, let him come, gentlemen; by the body of Saint George, I'll not kill him.
Piso Hold, hold! Forbear.
Giuliano
[To Bobadilla]
You whoreson bragging coistrel!
[Enter Thorello.
Thorello Why, how now? What's the matter? What stir is here?
1650Whence springs this quarrel? Piso! Where is he? --
Put up your weapons and put off this rage.
My wife and sister, they are cause of this. --
What, Piso! -- Where is this knave?
Piso Here, sir.
1655Prospero
[To Lorenzo Jr.. and the others]
Come, let's go. This is one of my brother's ancient humors, this.
Stephano I am glad nobody was hurt by this ancient humor.
Exeunt Prospero, Lorenzo Jr., Musco, Stephano, Bobadilla, [and] Matheo.
Thorello Why, how now, brother, who enforced this brawl?
Giuliano A sort of lewd rakehells, that care neither for God nor 1660the devil. And they must come here to read ballads and roguery and trash! I'll mar the knot of them ere I sleep, perhaps, especially Signor Pythagoras, he that's all manner of shapes, and Songs and Sonnets, his fellow there.
Hesperida Brother, indeed, you are too violent,
Too sudden in your courses; and you know
1665My brother Prospero's temper will not bear
Any reproof, chiefly in such a presence
Where every slight disgrace he should receive
Would wound him in opinion and respect.
Giuliano Respect? What talk you of respect 'mongst such as had neither 1670spark of manhood nor good manners? By God, I am ashamed to hear you. Respect?
Exit.
Hesperida Yes, there was one, a civil gentleman,
And very worthily demeaned himself.
Thorello Oh, that was some love of yours, sister.
1675Hesperida A love of mine? In faith, I would he were
No other's love but mine.
Bianca Indeed, he seemed to be a gentleman of an exceeding fair disposition and of very excellent good parts.
Exit Hesperida [and] Bianca.
Thorello [Aside] Her love, by Jesu! My wife's minion!
"Fair disposition"? "Excellent good parts"?
1680'Sheart , these phrases are intolerable.
"Good parts"? How should she know his parts? Well, well,
It is too plain, too clear. -- Piso, come hither.
What, are they gone?
Piso
Ay, sir, they went in.
1685Thorello Are any of the gallants within?
Piso No, sir, they are all gone.
Thorello Art thou sure of it?
Piso Ay, sir, I can assure you.
Thorello Piso, what gentleman was that they praised so?
1690Piso One they call him Signor Lorenzo, a fair young gentleman, sir.
Thorello [Aside] Ay, I thought so; my mind gave me as much.
'Sblood, I'll be hanged if they have not hid him in the
house
Somewhere! I'll go search. -- Piso, go with me.
1695Be true to me and thou shalt find me bountiful.
3.5.
[Enter Cob.
Cob [Knocking] What, Tib! Tib, I say!
Tib
1700
To him, Tib.
Oh, husband, is't you? What's the news?
Cob Nay, you have stunned me, i'faith! You have given me a knock on the forehead will stick by me. Cuckold? 'Swounds, cuckold?
Tib Away, you fool! Did I know it was you that knocked? Come, come, you may call me as bad when you list.
Cob May I? 'Swounds, Tib, you are a whore.
1705Tib 'Sheart, you lie in your throat.
Cob How, the lie? And in my throat too? Do you long to be stabbed, ha?
Tib Why, you are no soldier.
Cob Mass, that's true. When was Bobadilla here? That rogue, that slave, that fencing Burgullian! I'll tickle him, i'faith.
Tib Why, what's the matter?
1710Cob Oh, he hath basted me rarely, sumptuously! But I have it here will sauce him. Oh, the doctor, the honestest old Trojan in all Italy! I do honor the very flea of his dog. A plague on him, he put me once in a villainous, filthy fear. Marry, it vanished away like the smoke of tobacco, but I was smoked soundly first, I thank the devil and 1715his good angel, my guest. Well, wife, or Tib, which you will, get you in and lock the door, I charge you, let no body in to you -- not Bobadilla himself, nor the devil in his likeness. You are a woman; you have flesh and blood enough in you; therefore, be not tempted; keep the door shut upon all comers.
Tib I warrant you, there shall no body enter here without my consent.
1720Cob Nor with your consent, sweet Tib; and so I leave you.
Tib It's more than you know, whether you leave me so.
Cob How?
Tib Why, sweet.
Cob Tut, sweet or sour, thou art a flower.
1725Keep close thy door. I ask no more.
3.6.
[Enter Lorenzo Jr., Prospero, Stephano, [and] Musco [disguised still as a soldier. Lorenzo Jr., Prospero, and Musco confer where Stephano cannot hear them.]
Lorenzo Jr. Well, Musco, perform this business happily and thou makest a conquest of my love forever.
Prospero
Musco I warrant you, sir, fear nothing. I have a nimble soul that hath waked all my imaginative forces by this time and put them in true motion. What you have possessed me withal, I'll discharge it amply, sir. Make no question.
1735Prospero That's well said, Musco.
[To Lorenzo Jr.] Faith, sirrah, how dost thou approve my wit in this device?
Lorenzo Jr. Troth, well, howsoever, but excellent if it take.
Prospero Take, man? Why, it cannot choose but take, if the circumstances miscarry not. But tell me zealously: dost thou affect my sister Hesperida, as thou pretendest?
1740Lorenzo Jr. Prospero, by Jesu!
Prospero Come, do not protest, I believe thee. I'faith, she is a virgin of good ornament and much modesty. Unless I conceived very worthily of her, thou shouldst not have her.
Lorenzo Jr. Nay, I think it a question whether I shall have her, for all that.
1745Prospero 'Sblood, thou shalt have her, by this light thou shalt.
Lorenzo Jr. Nay, do not swear.
Prospero By Saint Mark, thou shalt have her. I'll go fetch her presently. Point but where to meet, and, by this hand, I'll bring her.
Lorenzo Jr. Hold, hold. What, all policy dead? No prevention of mischiefs stirring?
1750Prospero Why, by -- what shall I swear by? Thou shalt have her, by my soul.
Lorenzo Jr. I pray thee, have patience. I am satisfied. Prospero, omit no offered occasion that may make my desires complete, I beseech thee.
Prospero I warrant thee.
4.1.
1755
[Enter Lorenzo Sr. [and] Peto, meeting Musco [still disguised as a soldier].
Peto Was your man a soldier, sir?
Lorenzo Sr. Ay, a knave. I took him up begging upon the way, this morning as I was coming to the city.
[He sees Musco.]
Oh, here he is. -- Come on, you make fair speed.
1760Why, where on God's name have you been so long?
Musco Marry, God's my comfort, where I thought I should have had little comfort of Your Worship's service.
Lorenzo Sr. How so?
Musco Oh, God, sir! Your coming to the city, and your entertainment of me, and your sending me to watch -- indeed, all the circumstances are 1765as open to your son as to yourself.
Lorenzo Sr. How should that be? Unless that villain Musco
Have told him of the letter and discovered
All that I strictly charged him to conceal? 'Tis so.
Musco I'faith, you have hit it; 'tis so, indeed.
1770Lorenzo Sr. But how should he know thee to be my man?
Musco Nay, sir, I cannot tell, unless it were by the black art. Is not your son a scholar, sir?
Lorenzo Sr. Yes, but I hope his soul is not allied
To such a devilish practice. If it were,
I had just cause to weep my part in him
1775And curse the time of his creation.
But where didst thou find them, Portensio?
Musco Nay, sir, rather you should ask where they found me, for I'll be sworn I was going along in the street, thinking nothing, when of a sudden one calls, "Signor Lorenzo's man!" Another, he cries, "Soldier!" And thus half a dozen 1780of them, till they had got me within doors, where I no sooner came but out flies their rapiers and, all bent against my breast, they swore some two or three hundred oaths, and all to tell me I was but a dead man if I did not confess where you were, and how I was employed, and about what. Which, when they could not get out of me -- 1785as God's my judge, they should have killed me first -- they locked me up into a room in the top of a house, where by great miracle, having a light heart, I slid down by a bottom of packthread into the street and so scaped. But master, thus much I can assure you, for I heard it while I was locked up: there were a great many merchants and 1790rich citizens' wives with them at a banquet, and your son, Signor Lorenzo, has pointed one of them to meet anon at one Cob's house, a waterbearer's, that dwells by the wall. Now there you shall be sure to take him, for fail he will not.
Lorenzo Sr. Nor will I fail to break this match, I doubt not.
Well, go thou along with Master Doctor's man,
1795And stay there for me. At one Cob's house, say'st thou?
Musco Ay, sir, there you shall have him.
Exit [Lorenzo Sr.].
[Aside] When, can you tell? Much wench or much son! 'Sblood, when he has stayed there three or four hours, travailing with the expectation of 1800somewhat, and at the length be delivered of nothing -- oh, the sport that I should then take to look on him if I durst! But now I mean to appear no more afore him in this shape; I have another trick to act yet. Oh, that I were so happy as to light upon an ounce now of this doctor's clerk! [To Peto] God save you, sir.
1805Peto I thank you, good sir.
Musco I have made you stay somewhat long, sir.
Peto Not a whit, sir. I pray you, what, sir, do you mean? You have been lately in the wars, sir, it seems.
Musco Ay, marry, have I, sir.
Peto Troth, sir, I would be glad to bestow a pottle of wine of you, if it please you to accept it --
1810Musco Oh, Lord, sir!
Peto But to hear the manner of your services and your devices in the wars. They say they be very strange, and not like those a man reads in the Roman histories.
Musco Oh, God, no, sir. Why, at any time when it please 1815you I shall be ready to discourse to you what I know. [Aside] And more too, somewhat.
Peto No better time than now, sir. We'll go to the Mermaid. There we shall have a cup of neat wine. I pray you, sir, let me request you.
1820Musco I'll follow you, sir. [Aside] He is mine own, i'faith.
[4.2.]
[Enter Bobadilla, Lorenzo Jr., Matheo, [and] Stephano.
Matheo [To Lorenzo Jr.] Signor, did you ever see the like clown of him where we were today, Signor Prospero's brother? I think the whole earth 1825cannot show his like, by Jesu.
Lorenzo Jr. We were now speaking of him. Signor Bobadilla tells me he is fallen foul of you two.
Matheo Oh, ay, sir, he threatened me with the bastinado.
Bobadilla Ay, but I think I taught you a trick this morning for that. You shall kill him, without all question, if you be so minded.
1830Matheo Indeed, it is a most excellent trick.
[He practices fencing.]
Bobadilla Oh, you do not give spirit enough to your motion. You are too dull, too tardy. Oh, it must be done like lightning. Hay![He demonstrates.]
Matheo Oh, rare!
1835Bobadilla Tut, 'tis nothing, an't be not done in a -- .
Lorenzo Jr. Signor, did you never play with any of our masters here?
Matheo Oh, good sir!
Bobadilla Nay, for a more instance of their preposterous humor, there came three or four of them to me at a gentleman's house, where it was 1840my chance to be resident at that time, to entreat my presence at their schools, and withal so much importuned me that -- I protest to you, as I am a gentleman -- I was ashamed of their rude demeanor out of all measure. Well, I told them that to come to a public school, they should pardon me, it was opposite to my humor; but if so they would 1845attend me at my lodging, I protested to do them what right or favor I could, as I was a gentleman, et cetera.
Lorenzo Jr. So, sir, then you tried their skill?
Bobadilla Alas, soon tried! You shall hear, sir. Within two or three days after, they came, and, by Jesu, good signor, believe me, I graced them 1850exceedingly, showed them some two or three tricks of prevention hath got them since admirable credit. They cannot deny this. And yet now they hate me; and why? Because I am excellent, and for no other reason on the earth.
Lorenzo Jr. This is strange and vile as ever I heard.
Bobadilla I will tell you, sir. Upon my first coming to the 1855city they assaulted me, some three, four, five, six of them together, as I have walked alone in divers places of the city, as upon the Exchange, at my lodging, and at my ordinary, where I have driven them afore me the whole length of a street in the open view of all our gallants, pitying to hurt them, believe me. Yet all this lenity will not depress their spleen; 1860they will be doing with the pismire, raising a hill a man may spurn abroad with his foot at pleasure. By my soul, I could have slain them all, but I delight not in murder. I am loath to bear any other but a bastinado for them, and yet I hold it good policy not to go disarmed, for, though I be skillful, I may be suppressed with multitudes.
1865Lorenzo Jr. Ay, by Jesu, may you, sir, and in my conceit our whole nation should sustain the loss by it, if it were so.
Bobadilla Alas, no. What's a peculiar man to a nation? Not seen.
Lorenzo Jr. Ay, but your skill, sir.
Bobadilla Indeed, that might be some loss, but who respects it? I 1870will tell you, signor, in private: I am a gentleman and live here obscure and to myself. But were I known to the duke, observe me, I would undertake, upon my head and life, for the public benefit of the state, not only to spare the entire lives of his subjects in general, but to save the one half -- nay, three parts -- of his yearly charges in holding 1875wars generally against all his enemies. And how will I do it, think you?
Lorenzo Jr. Nay, I know not, nor can I conceive.
Bobadilla Marry, thus: I would select nineteen more to myself throughout the land; gentlemen they should be of good spirit, strong and able constitution. I would choose them by an instinct, a trick that I have. And I would teach 1880these nineteen the special tricks -- as your punto, your reverso, your stoccato, your imbroccato, your passado, your montanto -- till they could all play very near or altogether as well as myself. This done, say the enemy were forty thousand strong: we twenty would come into the field the tenth of March or thereabouts and would challenge twenty of the enemy. They could not in their honor refuse the 1885combat. Well, we would kill them; challenge twenty more, kill them; twenty more, kill them; twenty more, kill them too. And thus would we kill every man his twenty a day, that's twenty score; twenty score, that's two hundred; two hundred a day, five days a thousand. Forty thousand -- forty times five, five times forty -- two hundred days kills them all, by computation. And this will I venture my life to perform, provided there by no treason practiced upon us.
1890Lorenzo Jr. Why, are you so sure of your hand at all times?
Bobadilla Tut, never mistrust, upon my soul.
Lorenzo Jr. Mass, I would not stand in Signor Giuliano's state, then, an you meet him, for the wealth of Florence.
Bobadilla Why, signor, by Jesu, if he were here now, I would not draw my weapon on him. Let this gentleman do his mind, but I 1895will bastinado him, by heaven, an ever I meet him.
Matheo Faith, and I'll have a fling at him.
[Enter Giuliano [not seeing them].
Lorenzo Jr. Look, yonder he goes, I think.
Giuliano
1900Bobadilla It's not he, is it?
Lorenzo Jr. Yes, faith, it is he.
Matheo I'll be hanged, then, if that were he.
Lorenzo Jr. Before God, it was he. You make me swear.
Stephano Upon my salvation, it was he.
1905Bobadilla Well, had I thought it had been he, he could not have gone so. But I cannot be induced to believe it was he yet.
[Enter Giuliano.
Giuliano [To Bobadilla] Oh, gallant, have I found you? Draw. To your tools! Draw! Or, by God's will, I'll thrash you.
Bobadilla Signor, hear me!
1910Giuliano Draw your weapons, then.
Bobadilla Signor, I never thought on it till now: body of Saint George, I have a warrant of the peace served on me even now as I came along, by a waterbearer. This gentleman saw it -- Signor Matheo.
Giuliano The peace? 'Sblood, you will not draw?
1915
He beats him and disarms him.
Lorenzo Jr. Hold, signor, hold! Under thy favor, forbear!
Giuliano
Bobadilla Well, gentlemen, bear witness I was bound to the peace, by Jesu.
Lorenzo Jr. Why, and though you were, sir, the law allows you to defend yourself. That's but a poor excuse.
Bobadilla I cannot tell. I never sustained the like disgrace, by heaven. Sure I was struck with a planet then, for I had no power to 1925touch my weapon.
Lorenzo Jr. Ay, like enough. I have heard of many that have been beaten under a planet. Go, get you to the surgeon's. 'Sblood, an these be your tricks, your passados and your montantos, I'll none of them.
Exit [Bobadilla].
1930Oh, God, that this age should bring forth such creatures! -- Come, cousin.
Stephano
Lorenzo Jr. God's will, it's Giuliano's.
Stephano Nay, but 'tis mine now; another might have ta'en it up as well as I. I'll wear it, so I will.
Lorenzo Jr. How an he see it? He'll challenge it, assure yourself.
1935Stephano Ay, but he shall not have it. I'll say I bought it.
Lorenzo Jr. Advise you, cousin, take heed he give not you as much.
[4.3.
[Enter Thorello, Prospero, Bianca, [and] Hesperida.
Thorello Now trust me, Prospero, you were much to blame
1940T'incense your brother and disturb the peace
Of my poor house; for there be sentinels
That every minute watch to give alarums
Of civil war, without adjection
Of your assistance and occasion.
1945Prospero No harm done, brother, I warrant you. Since there is no harm done, anger costs a man nothing, and a tall man is never his own man till he be angry. To keep his valor in obscurity is to keep himself, as it were, in a cloakbag. What's a musician unless he play? What's a tall man unless he fight? For, indeed, all this my brother stands 1950upon absolutely, and that made me fall in with him so resolutely.
Bianca Ay, but what harm might have come of it!
Prospero Might? So might the good warm clothes your husband wears be poisoned, for anything he knows, or the wholesome wine he drunk even now at the table.
1955Thorello Now, God forbid! [Aside] Oh, me, now I remember:
My wife drunk to me last and changed the cup,
And bade me wear this cursd suit today.
See if God suffer murder undiscovered! --
I feel me ill. Give me some mithridate;
1960Some mithridate and oil, good sister, fetch me.
Oh, I am sick at heart! I burn, I burn.
If you will save my life, go fetch it me.
Prospero Oh, strange humor! My very breath hath poisoned him.
Hesperida [To Thorello] Good brother, be content. What do you mean?
1965The strength of these extreme conceits will kill you.
Bianca Beshrew your heart-blood, brother Prospero,
For putting such a toy into his head!
Prospero Is a fit simile a toy? Will he be poisoned with a simile? -- Brother Thorello, what a strange and vain imagination is this! For 1970shame, be wiser. Of my soul, there's no such matter.
Thorello Am I not sick? How am I then not poisoned?
Am I not poisoned? How am I then so sick?
Bianca If you be sick, your own thoughts make you sick.
Prospero His jealousy is the poison he hath taken.
1975
[Enter Musco like [Peto] the Doctor's man.
Musco Signor Thorello, my master, Doctor Clement, salutes you and desires to speak with you with all speed possible.
Thorello No time but now? Well, I'll wait upon His Worship. -- Piso! Cob! [Aside] I'll seek them out and set them sentinels till I return. -- Piso! Cob! Piso!
1980Prospero [Privately to Musco] Musco, this is rare. But how got'st thou this apparel of the Doctor's man?
Musco Marry, sir, my youth would needs bestow the wine of me to hear some martial discourse, where I so marshalled him that I made him monstrous drunk. And because too much heat was the cause of his distemper, I stripped him stark naked, as he lay along asleep, and borrowed his suit to 1985deliver this counterfeit message in, leaving a rusty armor and an old brown bill to watch him till my return -- which shall be when I have pawned his apparel and spent the money, perhaps.
Prospero Well, thou art a mad knave, Musco. His absence will be a good subject for more mirth. I pray thee, return to thy young master 1990Lorenzo and will him to meet me and Hesperida at the Friary presently; for here, tell him, the house is so stirred with jealousy that there is no room for love to stand upright in. But I'll use such means she shall come thither, and that, I think, will meet best with his desires. Hie thee, good Musco.
Musco I go, sir.
1995
[Enter Thorello [unaware of the presence of Bianca and Prospero].
Thorello Ho, Piso! Cob! Where are these villains, trow?
To him, Piso. [They talk privately.]
Oh, art thou there? Piso, hark thee here;
Mark what I say to thee. I must go forth.
2000Be careful of thy promise. Keep good watch;
Note every gallant, and observe him well,
That enters in my absence to thy mistress.
If she would show him rooms, the jest is stale.
Follow them, Piso, or else hang on him,
2005And let him not go after. Mark their looks;
Note if she offer but to see his band
Or any other amorous toy about him.
But praise his leg or foot, or if she say
The day is hot, and bid him feel her hand,
2010How hot it is -- oh, that's a monstrous thing!
Note me all this, sweet Piso; mark their sighs,
And if they do but whisper, break them off.
I'll bear thee out in it. Wilt thou do this?
Wilt thou be true, sweet Piso?
2015Piso Most true, sir.
Thorello Thanks, gentle Piso. Where is Cob, now? -- Cob!
Exit Thorello.
Bianca He's ever calling for Cob. I wonder how he employs Cob so.
Prospero Indeed, sister, to ask how he employs Cob is a necessary 2020question for you that are his wife and a thing not very easy for you to be satisfied in. But this I'll assure you: Cob's wife is an excellent bawd, indeed, and oftentimes your husband haunts her house -- marry, to what end I cannot altogether accuse him. Imagine you what you think convenient. But I have known fair hides have foul hearts ere now, I can tell you.
2025Bianca Never said you truer than that, brother. -- Piso, fetch your cloak and go with me; I'll after him presently. I would to Christ I could take him there, i'faith!
Prospero So, let them go. This may make sport anon. -- Now, my fair sister Hesperida: ah, that you knew how happy a thing it were 2030to be fair and beautiful!
Hesperida That toucheth not me, brother.
Prospero That's true; that's even the fault of it. For, indeed, beauty stands a woman in no stead unless it procure her touching. But sister, whether it touch you or no, it touches your beauties, and I am sure they 2035will abide the touch. An they do not, a plague of all ceruse, say I! And it touches me too in part, though not in the --. Well, there's a dear and respected friend of mine, sister, stands very strongly affected towards you, and hath vowed to inflame whole bonfires of zeal in his heart in honor of your perfections. I have already engaged my promise to bring you where 2040you shall hear him confirm much more than I am able to lay down for him. Signor Lorenzo is the man. What say you, sister? Shall I entreat so much favor of you for my friend as to direct and attend you to his meeting? Upon my soul, he loves you extremely. Approve it, sweet Hesperida, will you?
Hesperida Faith, I had very little confidence in mine own constancy if 2045I durst not meet a man. But brother Prospero, this motion of yours savors of an old knight-adventurer's servant, methinks.
Prospero What's that, sister?
Hesperida Marry, of the squire.
Prospero No matter, Hesperida, if it did. I would be such an one for my friend. But say, will you go?
2050Hesperida Brother, I will, and bless my happy stars.
[Enter Clement and Thorello.
Clement Why, what villainy is this? My man gone on a false message, and run away when he has done? Why, what trick is there in it, trow?
2055
[A clock strikes:] 1, 2, 3, 4, and 5.
Thorello How? Is my wife gone forth? Where is she, sister?
Hesperida She's gone abroad with Piso.
Thorello Abroad with Piso? Oh, that villain dors me!
He hath discovered all unto my wife.
2060Beast that I was to trust him! Whither went she?
Hesperida I know not, sir.
Prospero I'll tell you, brother, whither I suspect she's gone.
Thorello Whither, for God's sake?
Prospero To Cob's house, I believe; but keep my counsel.
2065Thorello I will, I will. To Cob's house? Doth she haunt Cob's?
She's gone o'purpose now to cuckold me
With that lewd rascal, who, to win her favor,
Hath told her all.
Clement [To Hesperida] But did you, mistress, see my man bring him a message?
2070Prospero That we did, Master Doctor.
Clement And whither went the knave?
Prospero To the tavern, I think, sir.
Clement What, did Thorello give him anything to spend for the message he brought him? If he did, I should commend my man's wit exceedingly if 2075he would make himself drunk with the joy of it. Farewell, lady. Keep good rule, you two, I beseech you now. By God's marry, my man makes me laugh!
Prospero What a mad doctor this is! Come, sister, let's away.
[4.4.]
[Enter Matheo and Bobadilla.
2080Matheo I wonder, signor, what they will say of my going away, ha?
Bobadilla Why, what should they say, but as of a discreet gentleman, quick, wary, respectful of nature's fair lineaments, and that's all?
Matheo Why, so, but what can they say of your beating?
Bobadilla A rude part, a touch with soft wood, a kind of 2085gross battery used, laid on strongly, borne most patiently, and that's all.
Matheo Ay, but would any man have offered it in Venice?
Bobadilla Tut, I assure you, no. You shall have there your nobilis, your gentilezza, come in bravely upon your reverse, stand you close, stand you firm, stand you fair, save your retricato with his left leg, come to the assalto 2090with the right, thrust with brave steel, defy your base wood. But wherefore do I awake this remembrance? I was bewitched, by Jesu! But I will be revenged.
Matheo Do you hear? Is't not best to get a warrant, and have him arrested and brought before Doctor Clement?
Bobadilla It were not amiss. Would we had it!
[Enter Musco [disguised as Peto, the Doctor's clerk].
2095Matheo Why, here comes his man. Let's speak to him.
Bobadilla Agreed. Do you speak.
Matheo
Musco With all my heart, sir.
Matheo Sir, there is one Giuliano hath abused this gentleman and me, 2100and we determine to make our amends by law. Now, if you would do us the favor to procure us a warrant for his arrest of your master, you shall be well considered, I assure, i'faith, sir.
Musco Sir, you know my service is my living. Such favors as these gotten of my master is his only preferment, and therefore you must consider 2105me as I may make benefit of my place.
Matheo How is that?
Musco Faith, sir, the thing is extraordinary, and the gentleman may be of great account. Yet, be what he will, if you will lay me down five crowns in my hand, you shall have it; otherwise, not.
2110
[Matheo and Bobadilla talk privately.]
Matheo How shall we do, signor? You have no money?
Bobadilla Not a cross, by Jesu.
Matheo Nor I, before God, but two pence, left of my two shillings in the morning for wine and cakes. Let's give him some pawn.
2115Bobadilla Pawn? We have none to the value of his demand.
Matheo Oh, Lord, man, I'll pawn this jewel in my ear, and you may pawn your silk stockings, and pull up your boots. They will ne'er be missed.
Bobadilla Well, an there be no remedy, I'll step aside and put them off.
2120
[He removes his stockings. Matheo removes his earring.]
Matheo [To Musco] Do you hear, sir? We have no store of money at this time, but you shall have good pawns -- look you, sir, this jewel and this gentleman's silk stockings -- because we would have it dispatched ere we went to our chambers.
2125Musco I am content, sir. I will get you the warrant presently. What's his name, say you? Giuliano?
Matheo Ay, ay, Giuliano.
Musco What manner of man is he?
Matheo A tall, big man, sir. He goes in a cloak most commonly of silk russet, laid about with russet lace.
Musco 'Tis very good, sir.
2130Matheo Here, sir, here's my jewel.
Bobadilla And here are stockings.
Musco Well, gentlemen, I'll procure this warrant presently and appoint you a varlet of the city to serve it. If you'll be upon the Rialto anon, 2135the varlet shall meet you there.
Matheo Very good, sir. I wish no better.
Musco This is rare! Now will I go pawn this cloak of the Doctor's man at the broker's for a varlet's suit, and be the varlet 2140myself, and get either more pawns or more money of Giuliano for my arrest.
Exit.
5.1.
[Enter Lorenzo Sr.
Lorenzo Sr. Oh, here it is. I am glad I have found it now.
2145[He knocks.] Ho! Who is within here?
[Enter Tib [opening the door slightly].
Tib I am within, sir. What's your pleasure?
Lorenzo Sr. To know who is within besides yourself.
Tib Why, sir, you are no constable, I hope?
2150Lorenzo Sr. Oh, fear you the constable? Then I doubt not
You have some guests within deserve that fear.
I'll fetch him straight.
Tib
I'God's name, sir!
Piso
Ay, sir, they went in.
1685Thorello Are any of the gallants within?
Piso No, sir, they are all gone.
Thorello Art thou sure of it?
Piso Ay, sir, I can assure you.
Thorello Piso, what gentleman was that they praised so?
1690Piso One they call him Signor Lorenzo, a fair young gentleman, sir.
Thorello [Aside] Ay, I thought so; my mind gave me as much.
'Sblood, I'll be hanged if they have not hid him in the
house
Somewhere! I'll go search. -- Piso, go with me.
1695Be true to me and thou shalt find me bountiful.
3.5.
[Enter Cob.
Cob [Knocking] What, Tib! Tib, I say!
Tib
1700
To him, Tib.
Oh, husband, is't you? What's the news?
Cob Nay, you have stunned me, i'faith! You have given me a knock on the forehead will stick by me. Cuckold? 'Swounds, cuckold?
Tib Away, you fool! Did I know it was you that knocked? Come, come, you may call me as bad when you list.
Cob May I? 'Swounds, Tib, you are a whore.
1705Tib 'Sheart, you lie in your throat.
Cob How, the lie? And in my throat too? Do you long to be stabbed, ha?
Tib Why, you are no soldier.
Cob Mass, that's true. When was Bobadilla here? That rogue, that slave, that fencing Burgullian! I'll tickle him, i'faith.
Tib Why, what's the matter?
1710Cob Oh, he hath basted me rarely, sumptuously! But I have it here will sauce him. Oh, the doctor, the honestest old Trojan in all Italy! I do honor the very flea of his dog. A plague on him, he put me once in a villainous, filthy fear. Marry, it vanished away like the smoke of tobacco, but I was smoked soundly first, I thank the devil and 1715his good angel, my guest. Well, wife, or Tib, which you will, get you in and lock the door, I charge you, let no body in to you -- not Bobadilla himself, nor the devil in his likeness. You are a woman; you have flesh and blood enough in you; therefore, be not tempted; keep the door shut upon all comers.
Tib I warrant you, there shall no body enter here without my consent.
1720Cob Nor with your consent, sweet Tib; and so I leave you.
Tib It's more than you know, whether you leave me so.
Cob How?
Tib Why, sweet.
Cob Tut, sweet or sour, thou art a flower.
1725Keep close thy door. I ask no more.
3.6.
[Enter Lorenzo Jr., Prospero, Stephano, [and] Musco [disguised still as a soldier. Lorenzo Jr., Prospero, and Musco confer where Stephano cannot hear them.]
Lorenzo Jr. Well, Musco, perform this business happily and thou makest a conquest of my love forever.
Prospero
Musco I warrant you, sir, fear nothing. I have a nimble soul that hath waked all my imaginative forces by this time and put them in true motion. What you have possessed me withal, I'll discharge it amply, sir. Make no question.
1735Prospero That's well said, Musco.
[To Lorenzo Jr.] Faith, sirrah, how dost thou approve my wit in this device?
Lorenzo Jr. Troth, well, howsoever, but excellent if it take.
Prospero Take, man? Why, it cannot choose but take, if the circumstances miscarry not. But tell me zealously: dost thou affect my sister Hesperida, as thou pretendest?
1740Lorenzo Jr. Prospero, by Jesu!
Prospero Come, do not protest, I believe thee. I'faith, she is a virgin of good ornament and much modesty. Unless I conceived very worthily of her, thou shouldst not have her.
Lorenzo Jr. Nay, I think it a question whether I shall have her, for all that.
1745Prospero 'Sblood, thou shalt have her, by this light thou shalt.
Lorenzo Jr. Nay, do not swear.
Prospero By Saint Mark, thou shalt have her. I'll go fetch her presently. Point but where to meet, and, by this hand, I'll bring her.
Lorenzo Jr. Hold, hold. What, all policy dead? No prevention of mischiefs stirring?
1750Prospero Why, by -- what shall I swear by? Thou shalt have her, by my soul.
Lorenzo Jr. I pray thee, have patience. I am satisfied. Prospero, omit no offered occasion that may make my desires complete, I beseech thee.
Prospero I warrant thee.
4.1.
1755
[Enter Lorenzo Sr. [and] Peto, meeting Musco [still disguised as a soldier].
Peto Was your man a soldier, sir?
Lorenzo Sr. Ay, a knave. I took him up begging upon the way, this morning as I was coming to the city.
[He sees Musco.]
Oh, here he is. -- Come on, you make fair speed.
1760Why, where on God's name have you been so long?
Musco Marry, God's my comfort, where I thought I should have had little comfort of Your Worship's service.
Lorenzo Sr. How so?
Musco Oh, God, sir! Your coming to the city, and your entertainment of me, and your sending me to watch -- indeed, all the circumstances are 1765as open to your son as to yourself.
Lorenzo Sr. How should that be? Unless that villain Musco
Have told him of the letter and discovered
All that I strictly charged him to conceal? 'Tis so.
Musco I'faith, you have hit it; 'tis so, indeed.
1770Lorenzo Sr. But how should he know thee to be my man?
Musco Nay, sir, I cannot tell, unless it were by the black art. Is not your son a scholar, sir?
Lorenzo Sr. Yes, but I hope his soul is not allied
To such a devilish practice. If it were,
I had just cause to weep my part in him
1775And curse the time of his creation.
But where didst thou find them, Portensio?
Musco Nay, sir, rather you should ask where they found me, for I'll be sworn I was going along in the street, thinking nothing, when of a sudden one calls, "Signor Lorenzo's man!" Another, he cries, "Soldier!" And thus half a dozen 1780of them, till they had got me within doors, where I no sooner came but out flies their rapiers and, all bent against my breast, they swore some two or three hundred oaths, and all to tell me I was but a dead man if I did not confess where you were, and how I was employed, and about what. Which, when they could not get out of me -- 1785as God's my judge, they should have killed me first -- they locked me up into a room in the top of a house, where by great miracle, having a light heart, I slid down by a bottom of packthread into the street and so scaped. But master, thus much I can assure you, for I heard it while I was locked up: there were a great many merchants and 1790rich citizens' wives with them at a banquet, and your son, Signor Lorenzo, has pointed one of them to meet anon at one Cob's house, a waterbearer's, that dwells by the wall. Now there you shall be sure to take him, for fail he will not.
Lorenzo Sr. Nor will I fail to break this match, I doubt not.
Well, go thou along with Master Doctor's man,
1795And stay there for me. At one Cob's house, say'st thou?
Musco Ay, sir, there you shall have him.
Exit [Lorenzo Sr.].
[Aside] When, can you tell? Much wench or much son! 'Sblood, when he has stayed there three or four hours, travailing with the expectation of 1800somewhat, and at the length be delivered of nothing -- oh, the sport that I should then take to look on him if I durst! But now I mean to appear no more afore him in this shape; I have another trick to act yet. Oh, that I were so happy as to light upon an ounce now of this doctor's clerk! [To Peto] God save you, sir.
1805Peto I thank you, good sir.
Musco I have made you stay somewhat long, sir.
Peto Not a whit, sir. I pray you, what, sir, do you mean? You have been lately in the wars, sir, it seems.
Musco Ay, marry, have I, sir.
Peto Troth, sir, I would be glad to bestow a pottle of wine of you, if it please you to accept it --
1810Musco Oh, Lord, sir!
Peto But to hear the manner of your services and your devices in the wars. They say they be very strange, and not like those a man reads in the Roman histories.
Musco Oh, God, no, sir. Why, at any time when it please 1815you I shall be ready to discourse to you what I know. [Aside] And more too, somewhat.
Peto No better time than now, sir. We'll go to the Mermaid. There we shall have a cup of neat wine. I pray you, sir, let me request you.
1820Musco I'll follow you, sir. [Aside] He is mine own, i'faith.
[4.2.]
[Enter Bobadilla, Lorenzo Jr., Matheo, [and] Stephano.
Matheo [To Lorenzo Jr.] Signor, did you ever see the like clown of him where we were today, Signor Prospero's brother? I think the whole earth 1825cannot show his like, by Jesu.
Lorenzo Jr. We were now speaking of him. Signor Bobadilla tells me he is fallen foul of you two.
Matheo Oh, ay, sir, he threatened me with the bastinado.
Bobadilla Ay, but I think I taught you a trick this morning for that. You shall kill him, without all question, if you be so minded.
1830Matheo Indeed, it is a most excellent trick.
[He practices fencing.]
Bobadilla Oh, you do not give spirit enough to your motion. You are too dull, too tardy. Oh, it must be done like lightning. Hay![He demonstrates.]
Matheo Oh, rare!
1835Bobadilla Tut, 'tis nothing, an't be not done in a -- .
Lorenzo Jr. Signor, did you never play with any of our masters here?
Matheo Oh, good sir!
Bobadilla Nay, for a more instance of their preposterous humor, there came three or four of them to me at a gentleman's house, where it was 1840my chance to be resident at that time, to entreat my presence at their schools, and withal so much importuned me that -- I protest to you, as I am a gentleman -- I was ashamed of their rude demeanor out of all measure. Well, I told them that to come to a public school, they should pardon me, it was opposite to my humor; but if so they would 1845attend me at my lodging, I protested to do them what right or favor I could, as I was a gentleman, et cetera.
Lorenzo Jr. So, sir, then you tried their skill?
Bobadilla Alas, soon tried! You shall hear, sir. Within two or three days after, they came, and, by Jesu, good signor, believe me, I graced them 1850exceedingly, showed them some two or three tricks of prevention hath got them since admirable credit. They cannot deny this. And yet now they hate me; and why? Because I am excellent, and for no other reason on the earth.
Lorenzo Jr. This is strange and vile as ever I heard.
Bobadilla I will tell you, sir. Upon my first coming to the 1855city they assaulted me, some three, four, five, six of them together, as I have walked alone in divers places of the city, as upon the Exchange, at my lodging, and at my ordinary, where I have driven them afore me the whole length of a street in the open view of all our gallants, pitying to hurt them, believe me. Yet all this lenity will not depress their spleen; 1860they will be doing with the pismire, raising a hill a man may spurn abroad with his foot at pleasure. By my soul, I could have slain them all, but I delight not in murder. I am loath to bear any other but a bastinado for them, and yet I hold it good policy not to go disarmed, for, though I be skillful, I may be suppressed with multitudes.
1865Lorenzo Jr. Ay, by Jesu, may you, sir, and in my conceit our whole nation should sustain the loss by it, if it were so.
Bobadilla Alas, no. What's a peculiar man to a nation? Not seen.
Lorenzo Jr. Ay, but your skill, sir.
Bobadilla Indeed, that might be some loss, but who respects it? I 1870will tell you, signor, in private: I am a gentleman and live here obscure and to myself. But were I known to the duke, observe me, I would undertake, upon my head and life, for the public benefit of the state, not only to spare the entire lives of his subjects in general, but to save the one half -- nay, three parts -- of his yearly charges in holding 1875wars generally against all his enemies. And how will I do it, think you?
Lorenzo Jr. Nay, I know not, nor can I conceive.
Bobadilla Marry, thus: I would select nineteen more to myself throughout the land; gentlemen they should be of good spirit, strong and able constitution. I would choose them by an instinct, a trick that I have. And I would teach 1880these nineteen the special tricks -- as your punto, your reverso, your stoccato, your imbroccato, your passado, your montanto -- till they could all play very near or altogether as well as myself. This done, say the enemy were forty thousand strong: we twenty would come into the field the tenth of March or thereabouts and would challenge twenty of the enemy. They could not in their honor refuse the 1885combat. Well, we would kill them; challenge twenty more, kill them; twenty more, kill them; twenty more, kill them too. And thus would we kill every man his twenty a day, that's twenty score; twenty score, that's two hundred; two hundred a day, five days a thousand. Forty thousand -- forty times five, five times forty -- two hundred days kills them all, by computation. And this will I venture my life to perform, provided there by no treason practiced upon us.
1890Lorenzo Jr. Why, are you so sure of your hand at all times?
Bobadilla Tut, never mistrust, upon my soul.
Lorenzo Jr. Mass, I would not stand in Signor Giuliano's state, then, an you meet him, for the wealth of Florence.
Bobadilla Why, signor, by Jesu, if he were here now, I would not draw my weapon on him. Let this gentleman do his mind, but I 1895will bastinado him, by heaven, an ever I meet him.
Matheo Faith, and I'll have a fling at him.
[Enter Giuliano [not seeing them].
Lorenzo Jr. Look, yonder he goes, I think.
Giuliano
1900Bobadilla It's not he, is it?
Lorenzo Jr. Yes, faith, it is he.
Matheo I'll be hanged, then, if that were he.
Lorenzo Jr. Before God, it was he. You make me swear.
Stephano Upon my salvation, it was he.
1905Bobadilla Well, had I thought it had been he, he could not have gone so. But I cannot be induced to believe it was he yet.
[Enter Giuliano.
Giuliano [To Bobadilla] Oh, gallant, have I found you? Draw. To your tools! Draw! Or, by God's will, I'll thrash you.
Bobadilla Signor, hear me!
1910Giuliano Draw your weapons, then.
Bobadilla Signor, I never thought on it till now: body of Saint George, I have a warrant of the peace served on me even now as I came along, by a waterbearer. This gentleman saw it -- Signor Matheo.
Giuliano The peace? 'Sblood, you will not draw?
1915
He beats him and disarms him.
Lorenzo Jr. Hold, signor, hold! Under thy favor, forbear!
Giuliano
Bobadilla Well, gentlemen, bear witness I was bound to the peace, by Jesu.
Lorenzo Jr. Why, and though you were, sir, the law allows you to defend yourself. That's but a poor excuse.
Bobadilla I cannot tell. I never sustained the like disgrace, by heaven. Sure I was struck with a planet then, for I had no power to 1925touch my weapon.
Lorenzo Jr. Ay, like enough. I have heard of many that have been beaten under a planet. Go, get you to the surgeon's. 'Sblood, an these be your tricks, your passados and your montantos, I'll none of them.
Exit [Bobadilla].
1930Oh, God, that this age should bring forth such creatures! -- Come, cousin.
Stephano
Lorenzo Jr. God's will, it's Giuliano's.
Stephano Nay, but 'tis mine now; another might have ta'en it up as well as I. I'll wear it, so I will.
Lorenzo Jr. How an he see it? He'll challenge it, assure yourself.
1935Stephano Ay, but he shall not have it. I'll say I bought it.
Lorenzo Jr. Advise you, cousin, take heed he give not you as much.
[4.3.
[Enter Thorello, Prospero, Bianca, [and] Hesperida.
Thorello Now trust me, Prospero, you were much to blame
1940T'incense your brother and disturb the peace
Of my poor house; for there be sentinels
That every minute watch to give alarums
Of civil war, without adjection
Of your assistance and occasion.
1945Prospero No harm done, brother, I warrant you. Since there is no harm done, anger costs a man nothing, and a tall man is never his own man till he be angry. To keep his valor in obscurity is to keep himself, as it were, in a cloakbag. What's a musician unless he play? What's a tall man unless he fight? For, indeed, all this my brother stands 1950upon absolutely, and that made me fall in with him so resolutely.
Bianca Ay, but what harm might have come of it!
Prospero Might? So might the good warm clothes your husband wears be poisoned, for anything he knows, or the wholesome wine he drunk even now at the table.
1955Thorello Now, God forbid! [Aside] Oh, me, now I remember:
My wife drunk to me last and changed the cup,
And bade me wear this cursd suit today.
See if God suffer murder undiscovered! --
I feel me ill. Give me some mithridate;
1960Some mithridate and oil, good sister, fetch me.
Oh, I am sick at heart! I burn, I burn.
If you will save my life, go fetch it me.
Prospero Oh, strange humor! My very breath hath poisoned him.
Hesperida [To Thorello] Good brother, be content. What do you mean?
1965The strength of these extreme conceits will kill you.
Bianca Beshrew your heart-blood, brother Prospero,
For putting such a toy into his head!
Prospero Is a fit simile a toy? Will he be poisoned with a simile? -- Brother Thorello, what a strange and vain imagination is this! For 1970shame, be wiser. Of my soul, there's no such matter.
Thorello Am I not sick? How am I then not poisoned?
Am I not poisoned? How am I then so sick?
Bianca If you be sick, your own thoughts make you sick.
Prospero His jealousy is the poison he hath taken.
1975
[Enter Musco like [Peto] the Doctor's man.
Musco Signor Thorello, my master, Doctor Clement, salutes you and desires to speak with you with all speed possible.
Thorello No time but now? Well, I'll wait upon His Worship. -- Piso! Cob! [Aside] I'll seek them out and set them sentinels till I return. -- Piso! Cob! Piso!
1980Prospero [Privately to Musco] Musco, this is rare. But how got'st thou this apparel of the Doctor's man?
Musco Marry, sir, my youth would needs bestow the wine of me to hear some martial discourse, where I so marshalled him that I made him monstrous drunk. And because too much heat was the cause of his distemper, I stripped him stark naked, as he lay along asleep, and borrowed his suit to 1985deliver this counterfeit message in, leaving a rusty armor and an old brown bill to watch him till my return -- which shall be when I have pawned his apparel and spent the money, perhaps.
Prospero Well, thou art a mad knave, Musco. His absence will be a good subject for more mirth. I pray thee, return to thy young master 1990Lorenzo and will him to meet me and Hesperida at the Friary presently; for here, tell him, the house is so stirred with jealousy that there is no room for love to stand upright in. But I'll use such means she shall come thither, and that, I think, will meet best with his desires. Hie thee, good Musco.
Musco I go, sir.
1995
[Enter Thorello [unaware of the presence of Bianca and Prospero].
Thorello Ho, Piso! Cob! Where are these villains, trow?
To him, Piso. [They talk privately.]
Oh, art thou there? Piso, hark thee here;
Mark what I say to thee. I must go forth.
2000Be careful of thy promise. Keep good watch;
Note every gallant, and observe him well,
That enters in my absence to thy mistress.
If she would show him rooms, the jest is stale.
Follow them, Piso, or else hang on him,
2005And let him not go after. Mark their looks;
Note if she offer but to see his band
Or any other amorous toy about him.
But praise his leg or foot, or if she say
The day is hot, and bid him feel her hand,
2010How hot it is -- oh, that's a monstrous thing!
Note me all this, sweet Piso; mark their sighs,
And if they do but whisper, break them off.
I'll bear thee out in it. Wilt thou do this?
Wilt thou be true, sweet Piso?
2015Piso Most true, sir.
Thorello Thanks, gentle Piso. Where is Cob, now? -- Cob!
Exit Thorello.
Bianca He's ever calling for Cob. I wonder how he employs Cob so.
Prospero Indeed, sister, to ask how he employs Cob is a necessary 2020question for you that are his wife and a thing not very easy for you to be satisfied in. But this I'll assure you: Cob's wife is an excellent bawd, indeed, and oftentimes your husband haunts her house -- marry, to what end I cannot altogether accuse him. Imagine you what you think convenient. But I have known fair hides have foul hearts ere now, I can tell you.
2025Bianca Never said you truer than that, brother. -- Piso, fetch your cloak and go with me; I'll after him presently. I would to Christ I could take him there, i'faith!
Prospero So, let them go. This may make sport anon. -- Now, my fair sister Hesperida: ah, that you knew how happy a thing it were 2030to be fair and beautiful!
Hesperida That toucheth not me, brother.
Prospero That's true; that's even the fault of it. For, indeed, beauty stands a woman in no stead unless it procure her touching. But sister, whether it touch you or no, it touches your beauties, and I am sure they 2035will abide the touch. An they do not, a plague of all ceruse, say I! And it touches me too in part, though not in the --. Well, there's a dear and respected friend of mine, sister, stands very strongly affected towards you, and hath vowed to inflame whole bonfires of zeal in his heart in honor of your perfections. I have already engaged my promise to bring you where 2040you shall hear him confirm much more than I am able to lay down for him. Signor Lorenzo is the man. What say you, sister? Shall I entreat so much favor of you for my friend as to direct and attend you to his meeting? Upon my soul, he loves you extremely. Approve it, sweet Hesperida, will you?
Hesperida Faith, I had very little confidence in mine own constancy if 2045I durst not meet a man. But brother Prospero, this motion of yours savors of an old knight-adventurer's servant, methinks.
Prospero What's that, sister?
Hesperida Marry, of the squire.
Prospero No matter, Hesperida, if it did. I would be such an one for my friend. But say, will you go?
2050Hesperida Brother, I will, and bless my happy stars.
[Enter Clement and Thorello.
Clement Why, what villainy is this? My man gone on a false message, and run away when he has done? Why, what trick is there in it, trow?
2055
[A clock strikes:] 1, 2, 3, 4, and 5.
Thorello How? Is my wife gone forth? Where is she, sister?
Hesperida She's gone abroad with Piso.
Thorello Abroad with Piso? Oh, that villain dors me!
He hath discovered all unto my wife.
2060Beast that I was to trust him! Whither went she?
Hesperida I know not, sir.
Prospero I'll tell you, brother, whither I suspect she's gone.
Thorello Whither, for God's sake?
Prospero To Cob's house, I believe; but keep my counsel.
2065Thorello I will, I will. To Cob's house? Doth she haunt Cob's?
She's gone o'purpose now to cuckold me
With that lewd rascal, who, to win her favor,
Hath told her all.
Clement [To Hesperida] But did you, mistress, see my man bring him a message?
2070Prospero That we did, Master Doctor.
Clement And whither went the knave?
Prospero To the tavern, I think, sir.
Clement What, did Thorello give him anything to spend for the message he brought him? If he did, I should commend my man's wit exceedingly if 2075he would make himself drunk with the joy of it. Farewell, lady. Keep good rule, you two, I beseech you now. By God's marry, my man makes me laugh!
Prospero What a mad doctor this is! Come, sister, let's away.
[4.4.]
[Enter Matheo and Bobadilla.
2080Matheo I wonder, signor, what they will say of my going away, ha?
Bobadilla Why, what should they say, but as of a discreet gentleman, quick, wary, respectful of nature's fair lineaments, and that's all?
Matheo Why, so, but what can they say of your beating?
Bobadilla A rude part, a touch with soft wood, a kind of 2085gross battery used, laid on strongly, borne most patiently, and that's all.
Matheo Ay, but would any man have offered it in Venice?
Bobadilla Tut, I assure you, no. You shall have there your nobilis, your gentilezza, come in bravely upon your reverse, stand you close, stand you firm, stand you fair, save your retricato with his left leg, come to the assalto 2090with the right, thrust with brave steel, defy your base wood. But wherefore do I awake this remembrance? I was bewitched, by Jesu! But I will be revenged.
Matheo Do you hear? Is't not best to get a warrant, and have him arrested and brought before Doctor Clement?
Bobadilla It were not amiss. Would we had it!
[Enter Musco [disguised as Peto, the Doctor's clerk].
2095Matheo Why, here comes his man. Let's speak to him.
Bobadilla Agreed. Do you speak.
Matheo
Musco With all my heart, sir.
Matheo Sir, there is one Giuliano hath abused this gentleman and me, 2100and we determine to make our amends by law. Now, if you would do us the favor to procure us a warrant for his arrest of your master, you shall be well considered, I assure, i'faith, sir.
Musco Sir, you know my service is my living. Such favors as these gotten of my master is his only preferment, and therefore you must consider 2105me as I may make benefit of my place.
Matheo How is that?
Musco Faith, sir, the thing is extraordinary, and the gentleman may be of great account. Yet, be what he will, if you will lay me down five crowns in my hand, you shall have it; otherwise, not.
2110
[Matheo and Bobadilla talk privately.]
Matheo How shall we do, signor? You have no money?
Bobadilla Not a cross, by Jesu.
Matheo Nor I, before God, but two pence, left of my two shillings in the morning for wine and cakes. Let's give him some pawn.
2115Bobadilla Pawn? We have none to the value of his demand.
Matheo Oh, Lord, man, I'll pawn this jewel in my ear, and you may pawn your silk stockings, and pull up your boots. They will ne'er be missed.
Bobadilla Well, an there be no remedy, I'll step aside and put them off.
2120
[He removes his stockings. Matheo removes his earring.]
Matheo [To Musco] Do you hear, sir? We have no store of money at this time, but you shall have good pawns -- look you, sir, this jewel and this gentleman's silk stockings -- because we would have it dispatched ere we went to our chambers.
2125Musco I am content, sir. I will get you the warrant presently. What's his name, say you? Giuliano?
Matheo Ay, ay, Giuliano.
Musco What manner of man is he?
Matheo A tall, big man, sir. He goes in a cloak most commonly of silk russet, laid about with russet lace.
Musco 'Tis very good, sir.
2130Matheo Here, sir, here's my jewel.
Bobadilla And here are stockings.
Musco Well, gentlemen, I'll procure this warrant presently and appoint you a varlet of the city to serve it. If you'll be upon the Rialto anon, 2135the varlet shall meet you there.
Matheo Very good, sir. I wish no better.
Musco This is rare! Now will I go pawn this cloak of the Doctor's man at the broker's for a varlet's suit, and be the varlet 2140myself, and get either more pawns or more money of Giuliano for my arrest.
Exit.
5.1.
[Enter Lorenzo Sr.
Lorenzo Sr. Oh, here it is. I am glad I have found it now.
2145[He knocks.] Ho! Who is within here?
[Enter Tib [opening the door slightly].
Tib I am within, sir. What's your pleasure?
Lorenzo Sr. To know who is within besides yourself.
Tib Why, sir, you are no constable, I hope?
2150Lorenzo Sr. Oh, fear you the constable? Then I doubt not
You have some guests within deserve that fear.
I'll fetch him straight.
Tib
I'God's name, sir!
Exeunt.