Internet Shakespeare Editions

Author: Ben Jonson
Editor: David Bevington
Not Peer Reviewed

Everyman In His Humor (Modern)


1.4.
480
[Enter Thorello, Giuliano, [and] Piso.
Thorello Piso, come hither. There lies a note within upon my desk; here, take my key. It's no matter, neither. Where's the boy?
Piso Within, sir, in the warehouse
Thorello Let him tell over that Spanish gold and weigh it. And do you see the delivery of those wares to Signor Bentivole. I'll be there 485myself at the receipt of the money anon.
Piso Very good, sir.
Exit Piso.
Thorello Brother, did you see that same fellow there?
Giuliano Ay, what of him?
Thorello He is e'en the honestest faithful servant that is this day 490in Florence -- I speak a proud word now -- and one that I durst trust my life into his hands, I have so strong opinion of his love, if need were.
Giuliano God send me never such need! But you said you had somewhat to tell me. What is't?
Thorello Faith, brother, I am loath to utter it,
495As fearing to abuse your patience,
But that I know your judgment more direct,
Able to sway the nearest of affection --
Giuliano Come, come, what needs this circumstance?
Thorello I will not say what honor I ascribe
500Unto your friendship, nor in what dear state
I hold your love; let my continued zeal,
The constant and religious regard
That I have ever carried to your name,
My carriage with your sister, all contest
505How much I stand affected to your house.
Giuliano You are too tedious. Come to the matter, come to the matter.
Thorello Then, without further ceremony, thus:
My brother Prospero, I know not how,
Of late is much declined from what he was
510And greatly altered in his disposition.
When he came first to lodge here in my house,
Ne'er trust me if I was not proud of him.
Methought he bare himself with such observance,
So true election, and so fair a form,
515And -- what was chief -- it showed not borrowed in him,
But all he did became him as his own,
And seemed as perfect, proper, and innate
Unto the mind as color to the blood.
But now his course is so irregular,
520So loose affected and deprived of grace,
And he himself withal so far fall'n off
From his first place, that scarce no note remains
To tell men's judgments where he lately stood.
He's grown a stranger to all due respect,
525Forgetful of his friends, and, not content
To stale himself in all societies,
He makes my house as common as a mart,
A theater, a public receptacle
For giddy humor and diseasd riot.
530And there, as in a tavern or a stews,
He and his wild associates spend their hours
In repetition of lascivious jests,
Swear, leap, and dance, and revel night by night,
Control my servants, and indeed what not?
535Giuliano Faith, I know not what I should say to him. So God save me, I am e'en at my wit's end. I have told him enough, one would think, if that would serve. Well, he knows what to trust to for me. Let him spend, and spend, and domineer till his heart ache. An he get a penny more of me, I'll give him this ear.
540Thorello Nay, good brother, have patience.
Giuliano 'Sblood, he mads me! I could eat my very flesh for anger. I mar'l you will not tell him of it, how he disquiets your house.
Thorello Oh, there are divers reasons to dissuade me.
But, would yourself vouchsafe to travail in it,
545Though but with plain and easy circumstance,
It would both come much better to his sense
And savor less of grief and discontent.
You are his elder brother, and that title
Confirms and warrants your authority,
550Which, seconded by your aspect, will breed
A kind of duty in him and regard;
Whereas if I should intimate the least,
It would but add contempt to his neglect,
Heap worse on ill, rear a huge pile of hate,
555That in the building would come tott'ring down
And in her ruins bury all our love.
Nay, more than this, brother: if I should speak,
He would be ready in the heat of passion
To fill the ears of his familiars
560With oft reporting to them what disgrace
And gross disparagement I had proposed him;
And then would they straight back him in opinion,
Make some loose comment upon every word,
And out of their distracted fantasies
565Contrive some slander that should dwell with me.
And what would that be, think you? Marry, this:
They would give out, because my wife is fair,
Myself but lately married, and my sister
Here sojourning a virgin in my house,
570That I were jealous. Nay, as sure as death,
Thus they would say; and how that I had wronged
My brother purposely, thereby to find
An apt pretext to banish them my house.
Giuliano Mass, perhaps so.
575Thorello Brother, they would, believe it. So should I,
Like one of these penurious quacksalvers,
But try experiments upon myself,
Open the gates unto mine own disgrace,
Lend bare-ribbed Envy opportunity
580To stab my reputation and good name.
[Enter Bobadilla and Matheo.
Matheo [To Bobadilla] I will speak to him.
Bobadilla
[To Matheo]
Speak to him? Away, by the life of Pharaoh! You shall not, you shall not do him that grace.
[To Thorello]
The time 585of day to you, gentleman. Is Signor Prospero stirring?
Giuliano How then? What should he do?
Bobadilla
[Ignoring Giuliano]
Signor Thorello, is he within, sir?
Thorello He came not to his lodging tonight, sir, I assure you.
Giuliano
[To Bobadilla]
Why, do you hear? You!
590Bobadilla This gentleman hath satisfied me. I'll talk to no scavenger. [He starts to leave.]
Giuliano How, "scavenger"? Stay, sir, stay!
Exeunt [Bobadilla and Matheo].
Thorello [Restraining him] Nay, brother Giuliano.
Giuliano 'Sblood, stand you away, an you love me!
595Thorello You shall not follow him now, I pray you. Good faith, you shall not.
Giuliano Ha! "Scavenger"? Well, go to. I say little, but by this good day - God forgive me I should swear -- if I put it up so, say I am the rankest -- that ever pissed! 'Sblood, an I swallow this, I'll ne'er draw my sword in the sight of man again 600while I live. I'll sit in a barn with Madge Owlet first. "Scavenger"? Heart, and I'll go near to fill that huge tumbrel slop of yours with somewhat, an I have good luck; your Gargantua breech cannot carry it away so.
Thorello Oh, do not fret yourself thus! Never think on't.
Giuliano These are my brother's consorts, these! These are his cumrades, his 605walking mates! He's a gallant, a cavaliero too, right hangman cut! God let me not live an I could not find in my heart to swinge the whole nest of them, one after another, and begin with him first. I am grieved it should be said he is my brother, and take these courses. Well, he shall hear on't, and that tightly too, an I live, i'faith.
610Thorello But brother, let your apprehension then
Run in an easy current, not transported
With heady rashness or devouring choler,
And rather carry a persuading spirit,
Whose powers will pierce more gently and allure
615Th'imperfect thoughts you labor to reclaim
To a more sudden and resolved assent.
Giuliano Ay, ay, let me alone for that, I warrant you.
Bell rings.
Thorello How now? Oh, the bell rings to breakfast.
Brother Giuliano, I pray you, go in and bear my wife company. 620I'll but give order to my servants for the dispatch of some business, and come to you presently.
Exit Giuliano.
[Enter Cob [with a tankard].
What, Cob? Our maids will have you by the back, i'faith, for coming so late this morning.
Cob Perhaps so, sir. Take heed somebody have not them by the belly for walking so late in the evening. Exit.
625Thorello Now, in good faith, my mind is somewhat eased,
Though not reposed in that security
As I could wish. Well, I must be content.
Howe'er I set a face on't to the world,
Would I had lost this finger at a venture,
630So Prospero had ne'er lodged in my house!
Why, 't cannot be, where there is such resort
Of wanton gallants and young revelers,
That any woman should be honest long.
Is't like that factious beauty will preserve
635The sovereign state of chastity unscarred
When such strong motives muster and make head
Against her single peace? No, no. Beware
When mutual pleasure sways the appetite,
And spirits of one kind and quality
640Do meet to parley in the pride of blood.
Well, to be plain, if I but thought the time
Had answered their affections, all the world
Should not persuade me but I were a cuckold.
Marry, I hope they have not got that start;
645For opportunity hath balked them yet,
And shall do still, while I have eyes and ears
To attend the imposition of my heart.
My presence shall be as an iron bar
'Twixt the conspiring motions of desire.
650Yea, every look or glance mine eye objects
Shall check occasion, as one doth his slave
When he forgets the limits of prescription.
[Enter Bianca with Hesperida.
Bianca Sister Hesperida, I pray you, fetch down the rose-water above in the closet. Exit Hesperida.
655[To Thorello] Sweetheart, will you come in to breakfast?
Thorello
[Aside]
An she have overheard me now!
Bianca I pray thee, good muss, we stay for you.
Thorello [Aside] By Christ, I would not for a thousand
Crowns.
660Bianca What ail you, sweetheart? Are you not well? Speak, good muss.
Thorello Troth, my head aches extremely on a sudden.
Bianca
[Feeling his forehead]
O Jesu!
Thorello How now? What?
Bianca Good lord, how it burns! Muss, keep you warm. Good truth, 665it is this new disease; there's a number are troubled withal. For God's sake, sweetheart, come in out of the air.
Thorello [Aside] How simple and how subtle are her answers!
"A new disease, and many troubled with it."
Why, true, she heard me, all the world to nothing.
670Bianca I pray thee, good sweetheart, come in. The air will do you harm, in troth.
Thorello I'll come to you presently. It will away, I hope.
Bianca Pray God it do.
Exit.
Thorello A new disease? I know not new or old,
But it may well be called poor mortals' plague,
675For like a pestilence it doth infect
The houses of the brain. First it begins
Solely to work upon the fantasy,
Filling her seat with such pestiferous air
As soon corrupts the judgment, and from thence
680Sends like contagion to the memory --
Still each of other catching the infection,
Which, as a searching vapor, spreads itself
Confusedly through every sensive part
Till not a thought or motion in the mind
685Be free from the black poison of suspect.
Ah, but what error is it to know this,
And want the free election of the soul
In such extremes! Well, I will once more strive,
Even in despite of hell, myself to be,
690And shake this fever off that thus shakes me.
Exit.