All's Well That Ends Well (Modern)

Countess 5In delivering my son from me, I bury a ¶second husband.

¶Bertram And I in going, madam, weep o'er my ¶father's death anew, but I must attend his ¶majesty's command, to whom I am now in ward, evermore 10in subjection.

¶Lafeu You shall find of the King a husband, madam; ¶you, sir, a father. He, that so generally is at all times good, ¶must of necessity hold his virtue to you, whose ¶worthiness would stir it up where it wanted rather than lack 15it where there is such abundance.

¶Countess What hope is there of his majesty's amendment?

¶Lafeu He hath abandoned his physicians, madam, ¶under whose practices he hath persecuted time with hope ¶and finds no other advantage in the process, but only 20the losing of hope by time.

¶Countess This young gentlewoman had a father -- oh, that ¶ "had", how sad a passage 'tis! -- whose skill was almost as ¶great as his honesty; had it stretched so far, would have ¶made nature immortal and death should have play for 25lack of work. Would for the King's sake he were li ¶ving! I think it would be the death of the King's disease.

¶Lafeu How called you the man you speak of, madam?

¶Countess He was famous, sir, in his profession, and it was ¶his great right to be so: Gérard de Narbonne.

30Lafeu He was excellent indeed, madam. The King very ¶lately spoke of him admiringly, and mourningly. He ¶was skilful enough to have lived still, if knowledge could ¶be set up against mortality.

¶Bertram What is it, my good lord, the King languishes 35of?

¶Lafeu A fistula, my lord.

¶Bertram I heard not of it before.

¶Lafeu I would it were not notorious. -- Was this gen ¶tlewoman the daughter of Gérard de Narbonne?

40Countess His sole child, my lord, and bequeathed to my ¶overlooking. I have those hopes of her good that her ¶education promises; her dispositions she inherits, which ¶makes fair gifts fairer. For where an unclean mind ¶carries virtuous qualities, there commendations go with 45pity: they are virtues and traitors too. In her, they are ¶the better for their simpleness; she derives her honesty ¶and achieves her goodness.

¶Lafeu Your commendations, madam, get from her ¶tears.

50Countess 'Tis the best brine a maiden can season her praise ¶in. The remembrance of her father never approaches her ¶heart, but the tyranny of her sorrows takes all livelihood ¶from her cheek. -- No more of this, Helen, go to, no ¶more, lest it be rather thought you affect a sorrow than 55to have --

¶Helen I do affect a sorrow indeed, but I have it too.

¶Lafeu Moderate lamentation is the right of the dead; ¶excessive grief, the enemy to the living.

¶Countess If the living be enemy to the grief, the 60excess makes it soon mortal.

¶Bertram Madam, I desire your holy wishes.

¶Lafeu [To the Countess (?)]How understand we that?

-- Farewell, Bertram.

¶Bertram [To Helen] The best wishes that can be forged in your thoughts ¶be servants to you. Be comfortable to my mother, your 80mistress, and make much of her.

¶Lafeu Farewell, pretty lady. You must hold the ¶credit of your father.

¶Paroles Save you, fair queen.

¶Helen And you, monarch.

¶Paroles No.

¶Helen And no.

115Paroles Are you meditating on virginity?

¶Helen Ay. You have some stain of soldier in you. Let ¶me ask you a question. Man is enemy to virginity. ¶How may we barricado it against him?

¶Paroles Keep him out.

120Helen But he assails and our virginity, though ¶valiant, in the defence yet is weak. Unfold to us some warlike ¶resistance.

¶Paroles There is none. Man, setting down before you, ¶will undermine you and blow you up.

125Helen Bless our poor virginity from underminers ¶and blowers up! Is there no military policy how ¶virgins might blow up men?

¶Paroles Virginity being blown down, man will ¶quicklier be blown up. Marry, in blowing him down 130again, with the breach yourselves made, you lose your ¶city. It is not politic in the commonwealth of ¶nature to preserve virginity. Loss of virginity is ¶rational increase, and there was never virgin got till ¶virginity was first lost. That you were made of is 135metal to make virgins. Virginity, by being once lost, ¶may be ten times found; by being ever kept, it is ever ¶lost. 'Tis too cold a companion. Away with't!

¶Helen I will stand for't a little, though therefore I die ¶a virgin.

140Paroles There's little can be said in't; 'tis against the ¶rule of nature. To speak on the part of virginity is ¶to accuse your mothers, which is most infallible ¶disobedience. He that hangs himself is a virgin: ¶virginity murders itself, and should be buried in highways, 145out of all sanctified limit as a desperate offendress ¶against nature. Virginity breeds mites, much like a ¶cheese, consumes itself to the very paring, and so ¶dies with feeding his own stomach. Besides, ¶virginity is peevish, proud, idle, made of self-love, which 150is the most inhibited sin in the canon. Keep it not, ¶you cannot choose but lose by't. Out with't! Within ¶ten year it will make itself two, which is a goodly ¶increase, and the principal itself not much the ¶worse. Away with't!

155Helen How might one do, sir, to lose it to her own ¶liking?

¶Paroles Let me see. Marry, ill, to like him that ne'er ¶it likes. 'Tis a commodity will lose the gloss with lying. ¶The longer kept, the less worth. Off with't while 'tis 160vendible. Answer the time of request. Virginity, ¶like an old courtier, wears her cap out of fashion, richly ¶suited, but unsuitable, just like the brooch and the ¶toothpick, which wear not now. Your date is better in your ¶pie and your porridge than in your cheek, and your 165virginity, your old virginity, is like one of our French ¶withered pears. It looks ill, it eats dryly -- marry, 'tis a ¶withered pear. It was formerly better, marry, yet 'tis a ¶withered pear! Will you anything with it?

¶Helen Not my virginity yet.

¶Paroles What one, i'faith?

¶Helen That I wish well. 'Tis pity --

¶Paroles What's pity?

¶Page Monsieur Paroles, ¶my lord calls for you.

¶Paroles Little Helen, farewell. If I can remember thee, I 195will think of thee at court.

¶Helen Monsieur Paroles, you were born under a ¶charitable star.

¶Paroles Under Mars, I.

¶Helen I especially think under Mars.

200Paroles Why 'under' Mars?

¶Helen The wars hath so kept you under that you must needs be born under Mars.

¶Paroles When he was predominant.

¶Helen When he was retrograde, I think rather.

205Paroles Why think you so?

¶Helen You go so much backward when you fight.

¶Paroles That's for advantage.

¶Helen So is running away ¶when fear proposes the safety. 210But the composition that your valor and fear makes ¶in you is a virtue of a good wing, and I like the ¶wear well.

¶Paroles I am so full of businesses, I cannot answer ¶thee acutely. I will return perfect courtier, in the 215which my instruction shall serve to naturalize thee, so ¶thou wilt be capable of a courtier's counsel and ¶understand what advice shall thrust upon thee, else thou ¶diest in thine unthankfulnes and thine ignorance makes ¶thee away. Farewell. When thou hast leisure, say thy 220prayers: when thou hast none, remember thy friends. ¶Get thee a good husband, and use him as he uses thee. ¶So, farewell.