Internet Shakespeare Editions

Author: William Shakespeare
Editor: Rosemary Gaby
Not Peer Reviewed

Henry IV, Part 2 (Quarto 1, 1598).


1030
Enter a Drawer or two.
Francis What the diuel hast thou brought there apple
Iohns? thou knowest sir Iohn cannot indure an apple Iohn.
Draw. Mas thou saist true, the prince once set a dish of ap-
1035ple Iohns before him, and tolde him there were fiue more sir
Iohns, and putting off his hat, said, I will now take my leaue of
these six drie, round, old, withered Knights, it angred him to
the heart, but he hath forgot that.
1040Fran. Why then couer and set them downe, and see if
thou canst find out Sneakes Noise, mistris Tere-sheet would
faine heare some musique.
1042.1Dra. Dispatch, the roome where they supt is too hot, theile
come in straight.
Francis Sirra, here wil be the prince and master Poynes a-
non, and they will put on two of our ierkins and aprons, and sir
1045Iohn must not know of it, Bardolfe hath brought word.
1045.1
Enter Will.
Dra. By the mas here will be old vtis, it wil be an excellent
stratagem.
Francis Ile see if I can find out Sneake.
exit
1050
Enter mistris Quickly, and Doll Tere-sheet.
Quickly Yfaith sweet heart, me thinkes now you are in an
excellent good temperalitie. Your pulsidge beates as extraor-
dinarily as heart would desire, and your colour I warrant you
is as red as any rose, in good truth law: but yfaith you haue
1055drunke too much cannaries, and thats a maruelous searching
wine, and it perfumes the bloud ere one can say, whats this,
how do you now?
Tere. Better then I was: hem.
Qui. Why thats well said, a good heart's worth gold: loe
1060here comes sir Iohn.
enter sir Iohn.
sir Iohn
When Arthur first in court,
empty the iourdan
and
was a worthy King
: how now mistris Doll?
host. Sicke of a calme, yea good faith.
1065Falst. So is all her sect, and they be once in a calme they are
sicke.
Tere. A pox damne you, you muddie rascall, is that all the
comfort you giue me?
Falst. You make fat rascals mistris Dol.
1070Tere. I make them? gluttonie, and diseases make, I make
them not.
Falst. If the cooke help to make the gluttonie, you helpe to
make the diseases Doll, we catch of you Doll, we catch of you
graunt that my poore vertue, grant that.
1075Doll Yea ioy, our chaines and our iewels.
Fa. Your brooches, pearles, & ouches for to serue brauely,
is to come halting off, you know to come off the breach, with
his pike bent brauely, and to surgerie brauely, to venture vpon
the chargde chambers brauely.
1079.1Doll Hang your selfe, you muddie Cunger, hang your
self.
host By my troth this is the old fashion, you two neuer meet
but you fall to some discord, you are both ygood truth as rew
matique as two dry tosts, you cannot one beare with anothers
cōnfirmities, what the goodyere one must beare, & that must be
you, you are the weaker vessell, as they say, the emptier vessel.
Dorothy Can a weake empty vessell beare such a huge full
hogshead? theres a whole marchānts venture of Burdeux stuffe
1090in him, you haue not seene a hulke better stuft in the hold.
Come, ile be friends with thee iacke, thou art going to the
wars, and whether I shall euer see thee againe or no there is no
body cares.
1095
Enter drawer.
Dra. Sir, Antient pistol's belowe, and would speake with
you.
Dol Hang him swaggering rascal, let him not come hither
it is the foule-mouthd'st rogue in England.
host. If he swagger, let him not come here, no by my faith I
must liue among my neighbours, Ile no swaggerers, I am in
good name, and fame with the very best: shut the doore, there
comes no swaggerers here, I haue not liu'd al this while to haue
1105swaggering now, shut the doore I pray you.
Fal. Dost thou heare hostesse?
Host. Pray ye pacifie your selfe sir Iohn, there comes no
swaggerers here.
1110Fal. Dost thou heare? it is mine Ancient.
Ho. Tilly fally, sir Iohn, nere tel me: & your ancient swag-
grer comes not in my doores: I was before maister Tisicke
the debuty tother day, & (as he said to me) twas no longer ago
than wedsday last, I good faith, neighbor Quickely, sayes he,
1115maister Dumbe our minister was by then, neighbor Quickly
(saies he) receiue those that are ciuil, for (saide he) you are in an
ill name: now a saide so, I can tell whereupon. For (saies he)
you are an honest woman, and well thought on, therefore take
heede what ghests you receiue, receiue (saies he) no swagge-
ring companions: there comes none here: you would blesse
you to heare what he said: no, Ile no swaggrers.
Falst. Hees no swaggrer hostesse, a tame cheter yfaith, you
1125may stroke him as gently as a puppy grey-hound, heele not
swagger with a Barbary hen, if her feathers turne backe in any
shew of resistance, call him vp Drawer.
Host. Cheter call you him? I will barre no honest man my
1130house, nor no cheter, but I do not loue swagering by my troth,
I am the worse when one saies swagger: feele maisters, how I
shake, looke you, I warrant you.
Teresh. So you do hostesse.
Host. Doe I? yea in very trueth doe I, and twere an aspen
1135leafe, I cannot abide swaggrers.
Enter antient Pistol, and Bardolfes boy.
Pistol God saue you sir Iohn.
Fal. Welcome ancient Pistoll, heere Pistoll, I charge you
with a cuppe of sacke, do you discharge vpon mine hostesse.
Pist. I will discharge vpon her sir Iohn, with two bullets.
Fal. shhe is pistoll proofe: sir, you shall not hardely offend
her.
1145Host. Come, Ile drink no proofes, nor no bullets, Ile drink
no more than will do me good, for no mans pleasure, I.
Pist. Then, to you mistris Dorothy, I will charge you.
1150Doro. Charge me? I scorne you, scuruy companion: what
you poore base rascally cheting lacke-linnen mate? away you
mouldie rogue, away, I am meate for your maister.
Pist. I know you mistris Dorothy.
1155Doro. Away you cutpurse rascall, you filthy boung, away,
by this wine Ile thrust my knife in your mouldie chappes, and
you play the sawcie cuttle with me. Away you bottle ale ras-
call, you basket hilt stale iuggler, you. Since when, I pray
you sir: Gods light, with two points on your shoulder? much.
Pist. God let me not liue, but I will murther your ruffe for
this.
1161.1sir Iohn No more Pistol, I would not haue you go off here,
discharge your selfe of our company, Pistoll.
Host. No, good captaine Pistoll, not here, sweete captaine.
Doro. Captain, thou abhominable damnd cheter, art thou
1165not ashamed to be called Captaine? and Captaines were of my
mind, they would trunchion you out, for taking their names
vpon you, before you haue earnd them: you a captaine? you
slaue, for what? for teareing a poore whoores ruffe in a bawdy
house: hee a captaine! hang him rogue, he liues vpon mowldy
1170stewd pruins, and dried cakes: a captaine? Gods light these vil-
laines wil make the word as odious as the word occupy, which
1171.1was an excellent good worde before it was il sorted, therefore
captains had neede look too't.
Bard. Pray thee go downe good Ancient.
1175Falst. Hearke thee hither mistris Dol.
Pist. Not I, I tell thee what corporall Bardolfe, I could
teare her, Ile be reuengde of her.
Boy Pray thee go downe.
Pist. Ile see her damnd first, to Plutoes damnd lake by this
1180hānd to th'infernal deep, with erebus & tortures vile also: holde
hooke and line, say I: downe, downe dogges, downe faters haue
we not Hiren here?
Host. Good captaine Peesell be quiet, tis very late yfaith, I
beseeke you now aggrauate your choller.
1185Pist These be good humors indeede, shal pack-horses, and
hollow pamperd iades of Asia which cannot goe but thirtie
mile a day, compare with Cæsars and with Canibals, and tro-
iant Greekes? nay rather damne them with King Cerberus, and
let the Welkin roare, shall we fall foule for toies?
Host. By my troth captaine, these are very bitter words.
Bard. Be gone good Ancient, this will grow to a brawle
anon.
1195Pist. Men like dogges giue crownes like pins, haue we not
Hiren here?
Host. A my word Captaine, theres none such here, what
the goodyeare do you thinke I would denie her? for Gods sake
be quiet.
1200Pist. Then feed and be fat, my faire Calipolis, come giues
some sacke, si fortune me tormente sperato me contento, feare we
brode sides? no, let the fiend giue fire, giue me some sacke, and
sweet hart, lie thou there, come we to ful points here? and are &
cæteraes, no things?
Falst. Pistol, I would be quiet.
Pist. Sweet Knight, I kisse thy neaffe, what, we haue seene
the seuen starres.
Dol. For Gods sake thrust him down staires, I cannot indure
1210such a fustian rascall.
Pist Thrust him downe staires, know we not Galloway
nagges?
Falst. Quaite him downe Bardolfe like a shoue-groat shil-
ling, nay, and a doe nothing but speake nothing, a shall be no-
1215thing here.
Bard. Come, get you downe staires.
Pist. What shall we haue incision? shall we imbrew? then
death rocke me a sleepe, abridge my dolefull daies: why then
let grieuons gastly gaping wounds vntwinde the sisters three,
1220come Atropose I say.
Host. Heres goodly stuffe toward.
Falst. Giue me my rapier, boy.
Dol I pray thee Iacke, I pray thee do not drawe.
Fal. Get you downe staires.
1225Host. Heres a goodly tumult, ile forsweare keeping house a-
fore ile be in these tirrits and frights, so, murder I warant now,
alas, alas, put vp your naked weapons, put vp your naked wea-
pons.
Dol. I pray thee Iack be quiet, the rascal's gone, ah you hor-
1230son little vliaunt villaine you.
Host. Are you not hurte i'th groyne? me thought a made a
shrewd thrust at your belly.
Fal. Haue you turnd him out a doores?
Bar. Yea sir, the rascal's drunke, you haue hurt him sir i'th
1235shoulder.
Fal. A rascall to braue me?
Dol A you sweet little rogue you, alas poore ape how thou
sweatst, come let me wipe thy face, come on you horsone
chops: a rogue, yfaith I loue thee, thou art as valorous as He-
1240ctor of Troy, woorth fiue of Agamemnon, & ten times better
then the nine Worthies, a villaine!
Fal. Ah rascally slaue! I will tosse the rogue in a blanket.
1245Dol Do and thou darst for thy heart, and thou dost, ile can-
uas thee betweene a payre of sheetes.
Boy The musique is come sir.
enter musicke.
Fal. Let them play, play sirs, sit on my knee Doll, a rascall
1250bragging slaue! the rogue fled from me like quicksiluer.
Dol Yfaith and thou followdst him like a church, thou
horson little tydee Bartholemew borepigge, when wilt thou
leaue fighting a daies and foyning a nights, and begin to patch
1255vp thine old body for heauen.
Enter Prince and Poynes.
Fal Peace good Doll, do not speake like a deathes head, do
not bid me remember mine end.
Dol Sirra, what humour's the prince of?
1260Fal. A good shallow yong fellow, a would haue made a
good pantler, a would a chipt bread wel.
Dol They say Poines has a good wit.
Fal. He a good wit? hang him baboon, his wit's as thicke
1265as Tewksbury mustard, theres no more conceit in him then is
in a mallet.
Dol Why does the prince loue him so then?
Fal. Because their legges are both of a bignesse, and a plaies
at quoites well, and eates cunger and fennel, and drinkes off
1270candles endes for flappe-dragons, and rides the wilde mare
with the boyes, and iumpes vpon ioynd-stooles, and sweares
with a good grace, and weares his bootes very smoothe like
vnto the signe of the Legge, and breedes no bate with tel-
ling of discreet stories, and such other gambole faculties a has
1275that show a weake minde, and an able bodie for the which the
prince admits him: for the prince himself is such another, the
weight of a haire wil turne scales between their haber de poiz.
1280Prince Would not this naue of a wheele haue his eares cut
off?
Poynes Lets beate him before his whore.
Prince Looke where the witherd elder hath not his poule
clawd like a parrot.
1285Poynes Is it not strange that desire should so many yeeres
out liue performance.
Falst. Kisse me Doll.
Prince Saturne and Venus this yeere in coniunction? what
saies th'Almanacke to that?
1290Poyns And look whether the fierie Trigon his man be not
lisping to his master, old tables, his note booke, his counsel kee-
per?
Falst. Thou dost giue me flattering busses.
Dol By my troth I kisse thee with a most constant heart.
Falst. I am old, I am old.
Dol. I loue thee better then I loue, ere a scuruy yong boy of
them all.
Fal. What stuffe wilt haue a kirtle of? I shall receiue mony
1300a thursday, shalt haue a cap to morrow: a merry song, come it
growes late, weele to bed, thou't forget me when I am gone.
Dol By my troth thou't set me a weeping and thou saist so,
1305proue that euer I dresse my selfe handsome til thy returne, wel
hearken a'th end.
Fal. Some sacke Francis.
Prince, Poynes Anon anon sir.
Falst. Ha? a bastard sonne of the Kings? and arte not thou
1310Poynes his brother?
Prince Why thou globe of sinfull continents, what a life
dost thou leade?
Falst. A better then thou, I am a gentleman, thou art a
drawer.
1315Prince Very true sir, and I come to drawe you out by the
eares.
Host. O the Lord preserue thy grace: by my troth welcom
to London, now the Lord blesse that sweete face of thine, O
Iesu, are you come from Wales?
1320Falst. Thou horson madde compound of maiestie, by this
light, flesh, and corrupt bloud, thou art welcome.
Doll How? you fat foole I scorne you.
Poynes My lorde, he will driue you out of your reuenge,
and turne all to a meriment if you take not the heate.
Prince You horson candlemine you, how vildly did you
speake of me now, before this honest, vertuous, ciuill gentle-
woman?
Host. Gods blessing of your good heart, and so she is by my
1330troth.
Falst. Didst thou heare me?
Prince Yea and you knew me as you did, when you ranne
away by Gadshil, you knew I was at your backe, and spoke it,
on purpose to trie my patience.
1335Falst. No, no, no, not so, I did not thinke thou wast within
hearing.
Prince I shall driue you then to confesse the wilfull abuse,
and then I know how to handle you.
Falst. No abuse Hall a mine honour, no abuse.
1340Prince Not to dispraise me, and cal me pantler and bread-
chipper, and I know not what?
Fal. No abuse Hall.
Poynes No abuse?
Falst No abuse Ned i'th worlde, honest Ned, none, I dis-
1345praisde him before the wicked, that the wicked might not fall
in loue with thee: in which doing, I haue done the part of a
carefull friend and a true subiect, and thy father is to giue me
thankes for it, no abuse Hall, none Ned, none, no faith boyes
none.
1350Prince See now whether pure feare and intire cowardize,
doth not make thee wrong this virtuous gentlewoman to close
with vs: is she of the wicked, is thine hostesse here of the wic-
ked, or is thy boy of the wicked, or honest Bardolfe whose zeal
burnes in his nose of the wicked?
Poynes Answer thou dead elme, answer.
Falst. The fiend hath prickt down Bardolfe irrecouerable,
and his face is Lucifers priuy kitchin, where he doth nothing
but rost mault-worms, for the boy there is a good angel about
1360him, but the diuel blinds him too.
Prince For the weomen.
Falst. For one of them shees in hell already, and burnes
poore soules: for th'other I owe her mony, and whether she be
1365damnd for that I know not.
Host. No I warrant you.
Falst. No I thinke thou art not, I thinke thou art quit for
that, mary there is another inditement vpon thee, for suffering
1370flesh to be eaten in thy house, contrary to the law, for the which
I thinke thou wilt howle.
Host. Al vitlars do so, whats a ioynt of mutton or two in a
whole Lent?
Prince You gentlewoman.
1375Dol. What saies your grace?
Fal. His grace saies that which his flesh rebels against.
1376.1
Peyto knockes at doore.
Host. Who knockes so lowd at doore? looke too'th doore
there Francis.
Prince Peyto, how now, what newes?
Peyto The King your father is at Weminster,
And there are twenty weake and wearied postes,
Come from the North, and as I came along
1385I met and ouertooke a dozen captaines,
Bareheaded, sweating, knocking at the Tauernes,
And asking euery one for sir Iohn Falstaffe.
Prince By heauen Poines, I feele me much too blame,
So idely to prophane the precious time,
1390When tempest of commotion like the south,
Borne with blacke vapour, doth begin to melt,
And drop vpon our bare vnarmed heads,
Giue me my sword and cloke: Falstaffe, good night.
Exeunt Prince and Poynes.
1395Fal. Now comes in the sweetest morsell of the night, & we
must hence and leaue it vnpickt: more knocking at the doore?
how now, whats the matter?
Bar. You must away to court sir presently,
1400A dozen captaines stay at doore for you.
Fal. Pay the musitians sirra, farewel hostesse, farewel Dol,
you see (my good wenches) how men of merit are sought af-
ter, the vndeseruer may sleepe, when the man of action is calld
on, farewell good wenches, if I bee not sent away poste, I will
1405see you againe ere I goe.
Dol. I cannot speake: if my heart be not ready to burst: wel
sweete Iacke haue a care of thy selfe.
1410Fal. Farewell, farewell.
exit.
Host. Well, fare thee well, I haue knowne thee these twenty
nine yeares, come pease-cod time, but an honester, and truer
hearted man: wel, fare thee wel.
1415Bard. Mistris Tere-sheete.
Host. Whats the matter?
Bard. Bid mistris Tere-sheete come to my master.
Host. O runne Doll, runne, runne good Doll, come, she
1418.1comes blubberd, yea! will you come Doll?
exeunt.