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Henry IV, Part 2 (Quarto 1, 1598).

Author: William Shakespeare
Not Peer Reviewed
Enter sir Iohn alone, with his page bearing his sword
276.1
and buckler.
Iohn Sirra, you giant, what saies the doctor to my water?
Page He said sir, the water it self was a good healthy water,
but for the party that owed it, he might haue moe diseases then
280he knew for.
Iohn Men of al sorts take a pride to gird at me: the braine
of this foolish compoūded clay-man is not able to inuent any
thing that intends to laughter, more then I inuent, or is inuēted
on me, I am not only witty in my selfe, but the cause that wit is
285in other men. I do here walk before thee, like a sow that hath
ouerwhelmd al her litter but one, if the prince put thee into my
seruice for any other reason then to sett me off, why then I
haue no iudgement thou horeson mandrake, thou art fitter to
290be worne in my cap, then to wait at my heels I was neuer man-
ned with an agot till now, but I wil in-set you, neither in golde
nor siluer, but in vile apparell, and send you backe againe to
your master for a iewell, the iuuenall the prince your master,
whose chin is not yet fledge, I will sooner haue a beard grow
295in the palme of my hand, then he shal get one off his cheek, &
yet he will not sticke to say his face is a face royal, God may fi-
nish it when he will, tis not a haire amisse yet, he may keepe it
still at a face royall, for a barber shall neuer earne sixpence out
300of it, and yet heele be crowing as if he had writte man euer
since his father was a batcheler, he may keepe his owne grace,
but hees almost out of mine I can assure him: what said master
Dommelton, about the sattin for my short cloake and my
sloppes?
305Boy He saide sir, you should procure him better assurance
then Bardolfe, he would not take his band and yours, he liked
not the securitie.
sir Iohn Let him be damn'd like the glutton, pray God his
tongue be hotter, a horeson Achitophella rascall: yea forsooth
310knaue, to beare a gentle man in hand, and then stand vpon se-
curity, the horson smoothy-pates doe now weare nothing but
hie shooes and bunches of keyes at their girdles, and if a man is
through with them in honest taking vp, then they must stand
vppon security, I had as liue they would put ratsbane in my
315mouth as offer to stop it with security, I lookt a should haue
sent me two and twenty yards of sattin (as I am a true knight,)
and he sends me security: well he may sleepe in security, for he
hath the horne of aboundance, and the lightnesse of his wife
320shines through it: wheres Bardolf, & yet can not he see though
he haue his owne lanthorne to light him.
Boy Hees gone in Smithfield to buy your worship a horse.
325sir Iohn I bought him in Paules, and heele buy me a horse
in Smithfield, and I could get me but a wife in the stewes, I
were man'd, horsde, and wiu'd.
Enter Lord chiefe Iustice.
Boy Sir, here comes the noble man that committed the prince
330for striking him about Bardolfe.
sir Iohn Wait close, I will not see him.
Iustice Whats hee that goes there?
seru. Falstaffe, and't please your lordship.
Iust. He that was in question for the rob'ry?
335seru. He my Lord, but he hath since done good seruice at
Shrewsbury, & (as I heare,) is now going with some charge to
the lord Iohn of Lancaster.
Iust. What to Yorke? call him backe againe.
seru. Sir Iohn Falstaffe.
340Iohn Boy, tell him I am deafe.
Boy You must speake lowder, my master is deafe.
Iust. I am sure he is to the hearing of any thing good, goe
plucke him by the elbow, I must speake with him.
seru. Sir Iohn?
345Falst. What? a yong knaue and begging? is there not wars?
is there not employment? doth not the King lacke subiects? do
not the rebels need souldiers, though it be a shame to be on any
side but one, it is worse shame to beg then to be on the worst
side, were it worse then the name of Rebellion can tell how to
350make it.
seru. You mistake me sir.
Iohn Why sir, did I say you were an honest man, setting my
knighthood and my souldiership aside, I had lied in my throat
if I had said so.
355seru. I pray you sir then set your knighthood, and your sol-
diership aside, and giue me leaue to tell you, you lie in your
throate, if you say I am any other then an honest man.
Iohn I giue thee leaue to tell me, so I lay aside that which
360growes to me, if thou getst any leaue of me, hang me, if thou
takst leaue, thou wert better be hangd, you hunt coūter, hence,
auaunt.
seru. Sir, my Lord would speake with you.
Iust. Sir Iohn Falstaffe, a word with you.
365Falst. My good Lord. God giue your lordship good time
of day, I am glad to see your lordship abroade, I heard say your
lordship was sicke, I hope your lordship goes abroade by ad-
uise, your lordship, though not clean past your youth, haue yet
some smack of an ague in you, some relish of the saltnes of time
in you, and I most humbly beseech your lordship to haue a re-
uerend care of your health.
Iustice Sir Iohn, I sent for you before your expedition to
Shrewsbury.
sir Iohn Andt please your lorship, I heare his maiesty is re-
375turnd with some discomfort from Wales.
Iust. I talke not of his maiesty, you would not come when I
sent for you.
Falst. And I heare moreouer, his highnes is falne into this
same horson apoplexi.
380Iust. Well, God mend him, I pray you let me speake with
you.
Falst. This appoplexi as I take it? is a kind of lethergie, and't
please your lordship, a kind of sleeping in the bloud, a horson
tingling.
Iust. What tell you me of it, be it as it is.
Falst. It hath it originall from much griefe, from study, and
385perturbation of the braine, I haue read the cause of his effects
in Galen, it is a kind of deafenes.
Iust. I think you are falne into the disease, for you heare not
what I say to you.
Old. Very wel my lord, very wel, rather and't please you it is
390the disease of not listning, the maladie of not marking that I
am troubled withall.
Iust. To punish you by the heeles, would amend the atten-
tion of your eares, and I care not if I doe become your
phisitian.
Falst. I am as poore as Iob my lord, but not so pacient,
395your Lordship may minister the potion of imprisonment to
me, in respect of pouerty, but how I should be your pacient to
follow your prescriptions, the wise may make som dramme of
a scruple or indeede a scruple it selfe.
Iust. I sent for you when there were matters against you for
400your life to come speake with me.
Falst. As I was then aduisde by my learned counsail in the
lawes of this land seruice, I did not come.
Iust. Wel, the truth is sir Iohn, you liue in great infamy.
Falst. He that buckles himselfe in my belt cannot liue in
lesse.
405Iust. Your meanes are very slender, and your waste is great.
Falst. I would it were otherwise, I would my meanes were
greater and my waste slender.
Iust. You haue misled the youthfull prince.
Falst. The yong prince hath misled me, I am the felow with
410the great belly, and he my dogge.
Iust. Wel, I am loth to gall a new heald wound, your daies
seruice at Shrewsbury, hath a little guilded ouer your nights
exploit on Gadshill, you may thanke th'vnquiet time, for your
quiet oreposting that action.
415Falst. My lord.
Iust. But since all is well, keepe it so, wake not a sleeping
wolfe.
Falst. To wake a wolfe, is as bad as smell a fox.
Iust. VVhat you are as a candle, the better part, burnt out.
Falst. A wassel candle my lord, al tallow, if I did say of wax,
420my growth would approue the truth.
Iust. There is not a white haire in your face, but should
haue his effect of grauity.
Falst. His effect of grauy, grauie, grauie.
Iust. You follow the yong prince vp and downe, like his
425ill angell.
Falst. Not so my lord, your ill angell is light, but I hope he
that lookes vpon me will take me without weighing, and yet
in some respects I grant I cannot go. I cannot tell, vertue is of
so little regard in these costar-mongers times, that true valour
430is turnd Berod, Pregnancie is made a Tapster, & his quick wit
wasted in giuing reckonings, all the other giftes appertinent
to man, as the malice of his age shapes the one not worth a
goosbery, you that are old consider not the capacities of vs that
435are yong, you doe measure the heate of our liuers with the bit-
ternesse of your galles, and we that are in the vaward of our
youth, I must confesse are wagges too.
Lo. Do you set downe your name in the scroule of youth,
that are written downe, old with all the characters of age? haue
440you not a moist eie, a dry hand, a yelow cheeke, a white beard,
a decreasing leg, an increasing belly? is not your voice broken,
your winde short, your chinne double, your wit single, and e-
uery part about you blasted with antiquitie, and will you yet
call your selfe yong? fie, fie, fie, sir Iohn.
445Iohn My Lorde, I was borne about three of the clocke in
the afternoone, with a white head, and something a round bel-
lie, for my voyce, I haue lost it with hallowing, and singing of
Anthems: to approoue my youth further, I will not: the truth
is, I am onely olde in iudgement and vnderstanding: and hee
that wil caper with me for a thousand markes, let him lend me
450the money, and haue at him for the boxe of the yeere that the
Prince gaue you, he gaue it like a rude Prince, and you tooke
it like a sensible Lord: I haue checkt him for it, and the yong
lion repents, mary not in ashes and sackcloth, but in new silke,
455and olde sacke.
Lord Well, God send the prince a better companion.
Iohn God send the companion a better prince, I cannot
ridde my hands of him.
Lord Well, the King hath seuerd you: I heare you are go-
460ing with lord Iohn of Lancaster, against the Archbishop and
the Earle of Northumberland.
Iohn Yea, I thanke your prety sweet witte for it: but looke
you pray, all you that kisse my lady Peace at home, that our
armies ioyne not in a hote day, for, by the Lord, I take but two
465shirts out with me, and I meane not to sweate extraordinarily:
if it be a hot day, & I brandish any thing but a bottle. I would
I might neuer spit white again: there is not a dangerous action
can peepe out his head, but I am thrust vpon it. Wel, I cannot
last euer, but it was alway yet the tricke of our English nation,
469.1if they haue a good thing, to make it too common. If yee will
needs say I am an olde man, you should giue me rest: I would
to God my name were not so terrible to the enemy as it is, I
were better to be eaten to death with a rust, than to be scoured
.5to nothing with perpetuall motion.
470Lord Well, be honest, be honest, and God blesse your ex-
pedition.
Iohn Will your lordship lend me a thousand pound to fur-
nish me forth?
Lord Not a penny, not a penny, you are too impatient to
475beare crosses: fare you well: commend mee to my coosine
Westmerland.
Iohn If I do, fillip me with a three man beetle: A man can
no more separate age and couetousnesse, than a can part yong
limbs and lechery, but the gowt galles the one, and the pox
480pinches the other, and so both the degrees preuent my curses,
Boy Sir.
Iohn What money is in my purse?
Boy Seuen groates and two pence.
485Iohn I can get no remedy against this consumption of the
purse, borrowing onely lingers and lingers it out, but the dis-
ease is incurable: Go beare this letter to my lord of Lancaster,
this to the Prince, this to the Earle of Westmerland, and this to
olde mistris Vrsula, whome I haue weekely sworne to marry
490since I perceiud the first white haire of my chin: about it, you
know where to finde me: a pox of this gowt, or a gowt of this
pox, for the one or the other playes the rogue with my great
toe. Tis no matter if I doe hault, I haue the warres for my
495color, and my pension shal seeme the more reasonable: a good
wit will make vse of any thing; I will turne diseases to commo-
ditie.